LivingfortheMoment_F (10 page)

"He's also going to be giving you away. That's more important than having me there," I pointed out.

"No. I mean it is important and I love him for it, but I need you there too." She sighed. "I know it's selfish of me, but I need you there on my big day. I can't imagine fully enjoying my wedding day without you both there to love and support me. Can you do it?"

Amber's wedding was six months away. Most of that time I would not need to see Darkwater. Although it was a struggle, I was determined not to sink into despair over him again. And she and I had been through too much together to let her down now. I nodded.

"Thank you!" She blew out a breath. "I know I'm asking a lot and if it becomes too much, tell me, and I'll understand if you can't do it after all. But John and I want you to know that you have our full support. If there's any way we can make things easier for you, you just have to say." She hesitated before going on. "Why didn't you tell me you were seeing Darkwater? Did he ask you not to tell me?"

I shook my head. "No. He didn't, but I knew he'd prefer me not to tell you. Believe it or not, he was really worried that you'd hate him if things went bad between us and I ended up hurt."

"You are hurt."

I shrugged. "Singed around the edges a little but I'll be fine. What happened between us should have no bearing on your relationship with him."

She sighed. "I could never hate him, but he's not my favorite person at the moment."

I shook my head again. "Don't let what happened between he and I come between the great rapport you two have built together."

"How can I not when I was the one who pushed him to ask you out? I was so sure if he just gave himself a chance to get to know you, he'd fall for you."

"That was never going to happen, Am."

"What did happen between you two?"

I sighed. "Nothing that I want to talk about yet. I need time to process it. It was a mistake. It's over and I just want to move on. He clearly has."

She frowned. "I'm not so sure he has."

"I am. We both saw him with his latest ho."

"I saw him with her, yes, but I also saw the look on his face when he saw you. I don't want to give you any false hope, but—"

I held up a hand. "No, Am. Don't." My heart could only sustain so many cracks before it shattered beyond repair. He'd given me false hope and then dashed it to bits after he'd gotten the raw sex he wanted. I'd had enough. There were other men in the world who wouldn't make it their life's mission to break my heart. "It's over, Am," I said firmly. "Even if you think it's not over for him, it's over for me."

"But Sher—"

"Do you really think I want to pursue a relationship with a man who not only thinks I'm a ballbuster but who doesn't hesitate to say it in front of others?"

She sighed. "He's not an unkind man. He didn't mean that, Sher. In your heart of hearts you must know that."

"No, Am, I don't know any such thing. It's not the first time he's called me that. He must have known it would hurt to hear it, but he said it anyway. He meant it."

"Please don't think too badly of him, Sher. He's a good man and I know he didn't mean for you to end up hurt. I think that's one of the reasons he never asked you out before."

Strangely enough, I believed her. I'd never thought of him as unkind or uncaring, except when he was doing what he did best—hurting me. Nevertheless, that belief didn't change the fact that I always ended up hurt when I allowed myself to care about him.

I'd been a glutton for punishment long enough with him. "Please tell him for me that I accept his apology."

"Oh, thank you, Sher. That will mean so much to him."

I frankly thought she was overstating the case, but naturally she wanted to present him in the best light possible. "Good. Now he can happily date his blondes without any feelings of guilt."

"I don't think he's happy, Sher."

And I was?
"At the risk of sounding cold, that's his problem, Am."

"Oh, come on now, Sher. He wasn't in the relationship alone."

I nodded. "I know that and I'm not really blaming him for anything."

"You sound like you are."

"I'm not blaming him anymore than I blame myself. I knew things wouldn't end well. I knew it and I…What matters is that for me, he's pure poison."

"Sher!"

"No, Am, he is. All caring about him has ever gotten me was hurt. I've just had enough. It's time I faced the fact that he prefers skinny blondes and find someone to love who prefers thick, black women."

"Sher—"

"No. No more, Am. Please. Let it go and do me a great favor."

"Name it."

"I know we'll have to meet at certain wedding functions, but outside of those, please tell him to stay as far away from me as possible."

"Oh, Sher—"

"No. I mean it, Am. I don't want to see him again outside of those functions. Ever."

"That's a long time."

"He's been hurting me for a long time."

She shook her head. "That's just not fair, Sher, and you know it. He tried to do the right thing for years. Doesn't he get any credit for that?"

"He can have all the credit he wants. I just need him to stay away from me. Will you please deliver that message to him for me?"

She sighed. "Are you sure?"

I thought of the blonde so soon after all the lies he'd spun me. I thought of his failure to make even a minimal effort or attempt to salvage our relationship. He'd just accepted my not showing up and happily walked away. He hadn't even cared enough to call and ask if I were all right or try to talk me into seeing him again. Only a fool would think there would ever be anything between us again. And I'd been a fool for him for the last time.

When the hurt became a dull ache, I'd be more willing to recall the good times. Despite the pain now, I had to admit that we had shared many memorable periods that had little to do with sex. Several times, I left work after a long day to find him waiting in the parking lot ready to take me to a late, non-demanding dinner out. We'd laughed at the silliest things or just sat quietly holding hands or smiling contentedly at each other. Then there were the times I'd wake to find him just holding me or open my eyes to see him looking at me with a tenderness in his gaze that made me hope for things I shouldn't have.

Reaching that point would take a while. For now, he and I had come full circle and were back to communicating via Am. "I'm positive," I assured her.

"Okay. I'll tell him."

"Thank you," I said and felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Chapter Eight

Darkwater

"She accepts your apology, Thomas."

Amber's failure to meet my gaze mitigated any relief I might have felt at the news. I stopped pacing my living room. "She accepts my apology, but?"

She shrugged. "Who says there's a but?"

"I do and your failure to meet my gaze does. What's the but, Am?"

She sighed. "But she'd like you to stay away from her."

I walked over to the French doors and stared out onto the patio. Just a little over two months earlier, Sherlyn and I had spent the evening dancing in the moonlight before going to bed to spend the night making love. How the hell had things gone so wrong between us that we went from insatiable lovers to her wanting me to stay away from her? "Is that what she said?"

"Well…"

"Is that what she said, Am?"

"Yes, but—"

I swallowed before I turned to face her, shaking my head. "But? Don't bother trying to clean it up, Am. The damned ballbuster said exactly what she meant."

She shook her head. "You have no reason to call her that, Thomas."

The hell I hadn't. She'd been busting my balls since the night I'd been foolish enough to admit the interest hadn't always been all on her side. "I'd like to call her something even worse, but I won't—at least not in your presence."

"What?"

"I'm sure you heard me, Amber."

She rose suddenly and stalked across the room to stare up at me. "You have no right to call her names or to talk about her like that. You hurt her again. And now you want to call her names? Haven't you done enough?"

Afraid I'd say something unforgivable, I walked away.

Of course being Am and determined to defend Sherlyn, she followed me and grabbed my hand.

I pulled it free but turned to face her. I waited because I knew she wouldn't be satisfied until she'd had her say.

"You spend all your time and attention on a bunch of trashy blondes and then—"

That remark pissed me off but I attempted to keep my tone measured when I responded. Clearly, like Sherlyn, she suffered from the false belief that I only dated thin blondes. I wasn't in the mood to tell her differently. "I'll spend my time with who the hell I like, Am. Just as you do."

"All those trashy blondes who aren't worth one of her and then you have the nerve to call a woman who spent years loving you a ballbuster? I'm sure your hos of the month are physically attracted to you. Hell, they might even like you, but none of them love you. She does."

"Does she?" She'd had a damned funny way of showing it.

"Yes—at least she did until you blew it." She gripped my arm and stared up at me with tears glistening in her eyes. "How can you not want a woman who loves you? One who loved and adored you when you didn't have a penny? And who would love you if you lost everything you had tomorrow? How many of those blondes would stick around if you were penniless?"

"Are you implying they're only interested in my money?"

"No! Of course not. Most of my friends tell me you're the type of man who'd attract women if you were a bum sleeping on a park bench, but how many of them would love you as she did? I know you don't like displays of emotions but surely you must want love in your life.

"Surely you don't want to spend the rest of your life engaging in a series of meaningless relationships with women who mean nothing to you. Not when you can share it with one who adores you."

Adored me? Who the hell was she talking about? Certainly not Sherlyn who couldn't even remember on whose cock she was bouncing up and down. If she adored anything about me it was my cock. While I found that acceptable with other women, I couldn't deal with it from her. Not after all the years of knowing she loved me.

"You must want and need love in your life, Thomas."

What I wanted was obviously immaterial to both Sherlyn and Amber. Both thought they knew what I felt when neither of them had a damned clue. And I intended to keep it that way. "What I want is my own business, Amber. All you need to know is that I would never have intentionally hurt her. Do you understand me? Never."

"And yet she's hurt, Thomas."

So am I
! Why the hell did everyone assume that just because I didn't behave like a Weeping William that I had no feelings? I took a long, deep breath. "That wasn't my intention, Amber. Even if she doesn't know or believe that, I need you to." Actually, I needed Sherlyn to believe it too, but I knew nothing I could say would make her do that.

"What was your intention, Thomas? Why did you start an affair with her if you weren't ready to really give up your blonde ho—?"

I'd started it because I'd been unwilling to allow another opportunity to get to know her in the biblical sense slip away from me. "If you say ho one more time, we're going to have a problem, Amber. And in case you've overlooked the fact, let me remind you that I don't need or require your permission to date who the hell I like. And where the hell do you get off calling women you don't know and have never met hos?"

"Isn't that what they are? Hos that kept you from a woman who worshipped the damn ground you walked on until you trod her into it!"

Until I'd trod her into it? What the fuck? I'd done my best not to hurt Sherlyn. And I was damned fucking sick of everyone behaving as if I were some thoughtless Lothario only interested in seducing as many women as possible. "They're no more of a ho than your friend."

She stared at me with wide eyes. "Oh no you didn't, Thomas."

"Oh yes I did, Amber," I shot back, angry that she seemed determined to cast me in the role of villain.

"Damn you!" She slapped me and ran across the room towards the door.

I ran after her, caught her, and turned her into my arms.

"How can you call a woman who loves you as she does a ho?"

I took a deep breath. "I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that," I said as she struggled to pull away. "You know I didn't mean it and you can't ever tell her I said it."

"As if I would. It would crush her to know how little you think of her."

My life would be a lot less complicated if I did think little of her. "That's not what I think and damn it, you know that! Hell, it's not even what I said. I said they were no more of a ho than she is. They're not whores and neither is she."

She stared up at me with tears in her eyes. "Do you have any idea how much or how deeply she loved you? If you did you wouldn't dream of doing anything to disrespect her."

I didn't care about the distant past. All I knew is that she no longer cared. And that stung. I'd attempted to move on and I knew she would as well. Knowing I'd blown it with her, there wasn't much I could say.

"Do you know she loved you so much that we used to cry together almost each time after she'd seen you and you totally ignored her? If it wasn't me crying with her, it was Janine. Do you have any idea how much she loved and adored you?"

Thinking of what I'd thrown away without realizing its value, I clenched my jaw but remained silent. What was there to say? Had I come to my senses before she met Don, she and I might have managed the happy ever after ending Am was so desperate for us to have. Hell, who was I kidding? Had I not blown it, I would have wanted that ending too. But I knew there was no going back for us.

"You knew how she felt. Didn't you?"

I nodded, knowing I was only dooming myself to further condemnation from her.

"Then why didn't you ever give her a chance?"

"What the hell would you have had me do, Am? Yes, I knew how she felt, but the feeling wasn't mutual and I had other interests. Should I have used her and pretended to feel something I didn't? Would that have made either one of you happy?"