LivingfortheMoment_F (11 page)

"You could have done then what you just did—give her a chance."

"And look how well that worked out for us."

"It didn't work out because—"

I cut her off. "You don't know why it didn't work out, Am, so give it a damned rest. Despite what she might have felt in the past, she's not in love with me now."

"And whose fault is that?"

Maybe it was my fault. More likely, the fault lay in the fact that she was still in love with Don. And probably always would be. Lucky bastard. In any case, I'd only been trying to avoid doing what it appeared I'd done—hurt her. I shrugged and released her. "I did my best not to hurt her. You must know that." Hell, I wasn't even sure why she was hurt since she wasn't in love with me anymore.

"I do, but—"

"Then make her believe it too. Please. Please, Am. I don't want her to think I don't care how she's feeling." Even though she clearly didn't care how I felt.

"Thomas—"

"Just tell her that for me. Things might be a little unpleasant for her at the moment, but she'll fall in love again." And maybe…eventually so would I. "I know she's hurt and you're angry with me, but I really need you to try to understand that I'm not…"

"You're not what?"

I took my time deciding how much I should say before I spoke again. "Unscathed." I swallowed and looked away. "I'm far from unscathed, Amber."

"Oh, Thomas, I didn't know."

"You didn't know what? What do you think you know?"

She touched my arm. "You should tell her how you feel."

I shook my head. "There's nothing to tell."

"How can you say that when you're both hurting?"

Clearly, I'd already said too damned much. "Just because I'm not unscathed doesn't mean there's anything between us that can or should be rekindled. We had a brief fling. I can't give her what she wants and she's unwilling to give me what I want and need."

She squeezed my arm. "What you want and need? That sounds like…Oh, Thomas. Have you finally seen the light? Are you in love with her? Because if you are—"

"No." I still wanted her physically more than I'd ever wanted any other woman but I was not and never had been in love with her or anyone else. And that's the way it was going to stay. Had I been in love with Sherlyn, her total disregard for how I'd feel when she dumped me would have hurt like hell. "I'm not in love with her."

She stared at me.

I stared back and sighed. I could see she'd convinced herself I wasn't being truthful. "I am not in love with her, Am, so please don't say anything to her that might make her think I am."

"Are you sure? Because you look and sound as if—"

"I'm positive. It's over between us. She and I have accepted that."

"That's only because you didn't give each other enough time to really realize you're both in love."

"I'm not in love with her, Am, and trust me; she sure as hell is not in love with me anymore."

"Then why was she reduced to tears by the way you spoke to her at the restaurant?"

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "I regret that more than you know, but she's not in love with me. I know because she made sure to tell me she wasn't ad nauseam."

"What did you expect her to say with you tossing your blonde ho—women in her face?"

"She couldn't have told you I did that, Am because I never did."

"She didn't say you did, but how do you think she felt knowing you compared her to them?"

"I never did that either. You're assuming things that never happened without any evidence."

"Well, she must have thought—"

"It's over, Am. She and I are not going to have a happy ever after ending—at least not with each other."

"But you could have with just a little effort. You still can. Despite what you say she doesn't feel you were her first love, Thomas. And there's something very special about a first real love. You could win her back if you tried."

Or I could end up hurt again. I'd had enough pain from her and wasn't interested in anymore. "What you need to do is to concentrate on being happy and let us worry about ourselves. We're both adults. We'll be fine. Marry your dumbass John and be happy with him."

"Do you want to talk to him?"

"Why the hell would I want to talk to him, Am?"

"Because he almost lost me as you're about to lose Sher. Maybe he could help you come to your senses before it's too late."

"There's nothing to talk about and it's already too late."

"Thomas—"

"She told you she doesn't want to see me again."

"Do you want to see her?"

Oh hell yes. "I'd like to tell her personally that I'm sorry, but that's really out of the question."

"Why?"

"Because she doesn't want to see me, Am. You told me so yourself."

"You could change her mind with a little effort."

"I know you're upset for her but she'll fall in love again." Hell, she seemed to have a knack for falling in and out of love, mostly with me.

"And what about you, Thomas? Will you fall in love again?"

Oh, fuck. I shook my head. "I'm not in love now, Am, so don't delude yourself into thinking I am. And for God's sake, don't say anything to her to make her think I'm in love with her."

"Oh, Thomas, why can't you admit how you feel?"

I had to admit I'd seen much better days than the ones I'd struggled through since Sherlyn had kicked my ass to the curb without any warning or explanation. Of course if I'd been thinking with my brain instead of my cock and an even more treacherous part of my body, I'd have seen it coming and been prepared. But hell would freeze the fuck over before I allowed her or any other woman to break my heart. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine," I assured her in a voice so confident sounding that I almost believed it myself. "I am fine."

Okay. So I'd blown it with Sherlyn by not realizing in time that I wanted her to love me or that some deeply hidden part of me even needed it. I couldn't change the past or make her love me again. All I could do was move forward. Granted my immediate emotional future looked grim, but I was a survivor and a realist. Sherlyn sending Am to deliver her Dear Thomas message made it crystal clear that she had no desire or interest in trying to rekindle our sweet but all too brief relationship.

After Amber left, I went to a florist and ordered a bouquet of flowers. It took several minutes of indecision before I decided what to write on the card.

I'm sorry if I hurt you but I know you'll find the happiness you deserve. And when you do I'll be happy for you. Thomas.

You'll be happy for her? Really? Were you happy for her the last time she fell out of love with you?
I inhaled slowly. Okay.
Maybe I wouldn't be happy but I wouldn't do anything to interfere with her new relationship.

I paid for the flowers and walked out. Then feeling the need to justify myself with her I wrote her a letter. I tossed several in the trash before I finally settled on the one I sent her. Once the letter was on its way, I knew it was officially over for us. Still, not quite able to let go, I called my brother Michael.

"I need a favor," I said when he answered.

"What do you need?" he asked.

I told him Sherlyn and I were no longer seeing each other.

"Damn, Darkwater. I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"It was a fling. It's over. What's there to talk about?"

"You're just going to let her walk away without making an effort to win her back?"

I inhaled slowly. "Why do you assume she ended it? How do you know it wasn't a mutual decision or that I didn't end it?"

"The few times I saw you two together, I saw how you looked at her. And just now when you said it was over the tone in your voice…Besides…"

I waited for him to point out that I'd never asked him to make sure any other woman was okay after a breakup. He didn't, but I knew him well enough to know he wanted to mention that fact.

"You know what Dad used to say, Darkwater. A burden or pain shared is one easier to bear."

"Who said anything about pain?"

"You sound as if the breakup might be painful for you. Are you sure you don't want to talk?"

"Since when do we discuss flings, Michael?"

"If all you were interested in was a fling, why start one with Am's best friend when we all agreed dating the girls' friends was a bad idea."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," I said.

"You really sound like you need to talk."

"I don't. I've already told you what I need from you."

"Okay. I'll go see her."

"Thanks," I said and hung up before he could ask any more questions I didn't want to answer. Three hours later, I was drowning my remaining sorrows and regrets in the arms of a pretty, passionate woman with smooth dark skin not unlike Sherlyn's. Despite what Am and Michael clearly thought, I didn't need or want to talk. I might need a little time, but yeah. I was going to be more than all right. I was going to be fine. Really.

* * *

Sherlyn

My bell rang just after I'd given up trying to force myself to eat. I really didn't want to see anyone, but I answered anyway, thinking it was Am or Janine. Instead, I saw a tall, dark haired male who bore a striking resemblance to Darkwater standing in my apartment lobby.

I frowned. Was this Michael or Jeffrey? I'd never been able to tell either of the two sets of Darkwater twins apart. "Yes?"

He smiled into the lobby camera. "Hi, Sherlyn. Sorry to drop by unannounced but I wondered if I can see you for a few minutes."

I had a moment of fear when I wondered why Darkwater's brother was in my lobby. Then I calmed my nerves. If anything had happened to him, it would be Amber bringing me bad news.

"Sure," I said and buzzed him in.

Ten minutes later, I opened my apartment door to him.

He smiled. "In case you're wondering, I'm Michael."

I smiled. "It's nice to see you again, Michael. Can I get you anything? A drink or a cup of coffee?"

"No. I'm fine. I won't take much of your time."

"This is a surprise," I said. Like Darkwater, Michael and his brothers had visited once after Don's death to offer their condolences. Unlike Thomas, the other four Darkwater brothers called several times after the funeral to see if I needed anything. Once I assured them I would be all right, I hadn't seen them again except at an occasional Darkwater family function.

He leaned against the closed door. "I won't take up much of your time. I'm here because Thomas asked me to come and make sure you were all right."

I wasn't quite yet, but I would be. I nodded. "I am. Thanks."

"If there's anything you need, please feel free to call me or Jeffery."

"Thanks."

He hesitated and sighed. "I know it probably doesn't mean much, but he regrets hurting you."

Actually, fool that I was, I was touched that he'd asked his brother to visit me. "Tell him I accept his apology and I'm okay."

"That will mean a lot to him."

Like Am, he was vastly overstating my importance to Darkwater.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Sherlyn?"

"No, but I appreciate the offer."

He took two cards from his breast pocket and handed them to me. "Here's my and Jeffery's numbers. Call either of us if there's something you need that we can do."

I took the cards but didn't foresee calling either one of them. In a pinch, I knew I could count on John. "Thank you for coming."

"I won't keep you any longer," he said and left.

Alone again, I leaned against the door and sighed. If Darkwater had come himself…But no. I couldn't afford to second-guess my decision to end our fling before he did. "Get a grip, Sher. It's over and it's going to stay over." Later that night I refused to allow myself to think about Darkwater or to wallow in regrets before enjoying a full night's sleep for the first time in weeks.

I woke the next morning feeling refreshed and free of longing for him. I knew I'd done the right thing by asking Am to let him know I had no desire to rekindle anything with him when his bouquet and message arrived before I left for work.

His letter arrived two days later. I spent an hour trying to convince myself that I should tear it up and put it in the garbage unopened. But I couldn't. I took a calming bubble bath, had a glass of wine, and finally opened his letter.

 Sherlyn,

I know you don't want to see me again and probably don't want any communication with me. I'll respect your wishes and don't expect you to answer this letter. However, I needed another opportunity to tell you how sorry I am for my treatment of you at the restaurant.

You didn't deserve that and I have no excuse for my behavior. I know you're angry with me, but I also know how generous and forgiving you can be. Please forgive me and try not to think too badly of me.

I was never worthy of your time or romantic attention. But there are men who are and when you meet the right one I know the two of you will be very happy together.

Please accept my best wishes for the happiness you deserve and I know you'll find with some lucky man.

Thomas.

At first the letter almost made me tear up because in it he removed any lingering hope I might have had that I could recapture his passion if not his heart. But that way lay certain heartbreak so I shook off the urge to cry. He was right. He'd never been worthy of my love and adoration and he'd never get it again. Clearly, he understood that.

I nodded. We were on the same page. It was time to move on with my life with no regrets.

I turned the lights down in the living room, played some of my favorite old party songs, and danced until I was exhausted. Then I went to bed and slept through the night. In the morning, I showered, dressed, and left for work feeling confident that I had finally broken free of my desire for a relationship with him.

The future spread before me filled with what I hoped would be wonderful possibilities and an opportunity or two to find love again, hopefully with a man capable of and willing to love me as much as I loved him.