Look After You (33 page)

“Tense, to say the least.”

“I wish I would have been there. I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you, but that’s going to change soon. I promise. You just need to hold on for a little longer, babe. Can you do that for me?” His words swim hazily through my mind when I suddenly feel faint. I clumsily sit in an empty chair and bring my free hand to my head, my elbow resting against the table, taking in big soothing breaths.

“Of course I can,” I lie through the s
kin of my teeth. I hate myself.

“It’s just my paranoia talking, but I keep thinking that someone
’s going to swoop in and take my girl away from me.” His words pierce straight through to my heart, and I have to fight the urge to burst into tears. He doesn’t realize how accurate his paranoia actually is. I am a truly horrible person.

“Don’t be so ridiculous.” I clench my eyes shut as the words leave my mouth,
my words that leave false hope.

“I know
, baby, I just love you so much it makes me kind of crazy. I miss you, I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too…” I do miss him. I desperately want him to come home, safe and sound, I need him to come home for his daughter, but I don’t miss him like I once did. I don’t need him like I once did. I
don’t love him like I once did.

After a short phone call, the moment we disconnect
, the tears flow freely down my face, a mixture of guilt, hatred and nausea plunges into the deepest part of me. The choking feeling I am currently experiencing feels as if my body is drowning in a sea of deceit, waves of lies prevent me from resurfacing back to the top. I know I love Ashton, but at the moment, I need to make sure I’m making the right decision, that I’m breaking Sebastian’s heart for the right reasons. I need reassurance. I grab my phone and with shaky hands I type out a quick text message to Ashton, a message full of trepidation and desperation.

Ava
: Tell me you love me.

Thirty seconds later I am pleasantly surprised to see Ashton’s name flashing with an incoming call. Accepting the call, his voice fills my head with the three words I desperately needed to hear. “I love you.”

“Say it again,” I
sigh, needing to hear it again.

“I lo
ve you,” he says without an ounce of hesitation, and for good measure I ask him to say it out loud again.

I hear a quiet chuckle on the other side of the phone.
“I. Love. You. Do you need me to say it again because I will?”

Now it’s my turn to l
augh. “Yes, for the rest of my life.”

“Done, done and done,” he says, and I can’t keep the smile from my face. God, I
love him.

“Good, because I love you too.”

Chapter 23

Happy tears disperse down my face as I watch Caleb strap my daughter securely into her car seat. She’s been in the hospital for thirteen weeks, three days and today is the day I finally get to take her home. It’s been a long time coming. She is one hundred percent healthy, weighing a perfect six pounds, four ounces, and it’s hard to believe that when she was born she only weighed two pounds and two ounces.  It is overwhelming to think of the constant hurdles she had to face in such a short amount of time. Respiratory Distress Syndrome, jaundice, anemia, blood transfusions, pneumonia, constant apnea episodes, yet she has come out at the other end, still fighting. She’s a force to be reckoned with. She’s incredible.

She looks as cute as a button in her little toasty warm, white snowsuit, covering her from head to toe. She starts wailing for a moment, and I can’t help the chuckle that escapes as the hand of the thumb she so desperately wants to put inside her mouth is trapped within the confinements of her mitten. I crouch down in front her. “Hush
, baby, I’ve got it.” I gently pull the mitten off her right hand, leaving the material to hang by a loose thread from the sleeve of the snowsuit. Immediately her hand goes back to her face, and she successfully manages to locate her mouth with her thumb and begins to suck. A new adorable trait she picked up a couple of weeks ago, and now she prefers her thumb to her pacifier.

Her eyes flicker and almost immediately she falls asleep. I pull the handle bar of the car seat in an upright position until it locks into place.
 I stand back up and take the handle in my hand and lift my daughter up. With a long inhale, I look to Caleb, with tears lingering in my eyes. “Ready?”

“One second.” He pulls out his phone, to take a quick snap. “Say, happy coming home day.”

I smile through my blissful tears as I get into position and lift Lily a little higher up in her car seat for the photo. “Happy coming home day,” I say cheerily as he takes our photo.

“Do you want me to carry Lily?” he asks, placing his phone back into his pocket. I shake my head on a smile. “No, I can manage.”

“Okay let’s go, Mommy.”

We say an emotional goodbye to the nursing staff and it is incredibly touching to
see how emotionally involved they get with the babies. I can see it within their eyes, that this part, saying goodbye, is the best part of their job. They must feel immense satisfaction to know they saved a baby’s life, and they are the sole reason they get to go home with their families. They take a souvenir photo of Lily, to put on the baby wall that hangs wonderfully in the corridor that shows every single success story from the NICU. I promise to come and visit again, mostly just an excuse to see Ashton, but also because this place will always be Lily’s first home, and the medical staff here did everything in their power to keep her alive, including Ashton, and I will never forget that.

In fact, where is Ashton? He said he wanted to see us off, but he is nowhere to be seen. Ignoring the sinking disappointment in the pit of my stomach, I follow Caleb in the direction of the exit, desperate to get my daughter home. Once we enter the foyer, my heart rate begins to pick up when I hear the sound of my name being called. I turn around to see Ashton jogging towards us

“Hey, I’m sorry I nearly missed you, I got caught up. How are my two favorite girls?” He looks between Lily and me before he acknowledges Caleb. “Caleb,” he greets with a warm smile.

“
Ashton.” Caleb nods, barely reciprocating Ashton’s smile. He is taking a while to warm to him, and as much as I would love it if Caleb would be nicer to him, I can hardly blame him for his hostile attitude. He is caught in the middle of my betrayal, and that doesn’t sit well with him, lying behind Sebastian’s back. He accepts it but still doesn’t condone my actions.

“
That’s okay, you’re here now, and we’re great,” I say softly, once Ashton brings his attention back to me. He steps forward and leans over to give me a kiss but Caleb’s annoying cough cuts through our connection and Ashton steps back, a little irate. “I can tolerate the two of you, but I don’t want to see it,” Caleb says. Ashton gives a nod of understanding, then he crouches down to Lily’s level, taking hold of her little mitten-covered hand.

I turn to Caleb. “Can you give us a minute, please?”

“Yeah, I’ll be waiting for you outside,” He walks away, leaving us alone.

“Still doesn’t like me, huh?” Ashton questions, glancing up at me.

“He’s getting there, he loves Sebastian like a brother, it’s just hard for him.”

He returns to a standing position and takes a step closer.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you here.” I smirk as he presses a quick kiss against my cheek.

“How about you do your work and stop hitting on vulnerable moms.” I wink as I adjust the weight of my daughter in my arms

He smiles as he moves even closer to me, brushing his hand against mine, causing my heart to almost combust from out of my chest. “Correction. I hit on one vulnerable mom. I don’t make a habit of falling in love with my patients mothers. Just the really hot ones.” He winks back, tightening his fingers against mine, and the very touch is literally a direct line to every one of my senses as my body goes into frenzied shock. I just become a hot feverish mess when he is in such close proximity, and if it weren’t for my daughter in my arms right now, I would probably be begging him to take me somewhere private. His eyes widen, and I can’t help the shiver that tremors through my body when his lips press against my ear.

“I love how I can turn you on with just one touch.”

I struggle to catch my breath, while my heart races. “How do you know I’m turned on?” I ask, amazed that he can tell I’m turned on within seconds of my body reacting to his.

“Well your pupils dilate, your lips part, your breath quickens and I can see that your nipples have hardened under your shirt.” He chuckles at my audible gasp and when I glance down at my chest you can see the shape of my nipples through my shirt. I clutch at my brown leather jacket with my free hand, hoping to hide the obvious arousal but my jacket just gapes back open, my bullet nipples on show for the entire hospital to see. I contemplate putting Lily on the floor for a second so I can zip myself up, but Ashton must see my obvious discomfort and decides to take matters into his own hands and takes hold of my zip with his thumb and forefinger.

“I find it odd that you’re comfortable breastfeeding in front of people, but you fret when you get little hard-ons,” he says with clear amusement to his voice as he zips my jacket up. He lets go of the metal zip, but he can’t resist brushing his fingertips over my breasts before he pulls away. My mouth gapes open at his audacity while my insides throb with sexual need. He smirks with amusement dancing in his eyes. “And now we can add wet panties to your list.” I can hardly take a breath, I’m wildly turned on right now, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. Tease.

“Too far?” he asks, seeing the obvious frustration on my face.

“Um yeah,” I say, indicating to my baby daughter fast asleep in my arms. “Haven’t you got work to be getting on with?” I ask with humored frustration.

“Yes, another sixteen hours worth.”

“Well, you better get back to it and stop turning me on.”

He gives me a devilish grin, holding his hands up in defense.
 “Fine, I’m going. I just wanted to give you both a send-off. You got everything finished?” He is referring to the last little touches to her nursery. The last two weeks he and Caleb helped with everything, including baby proofing the apartment. Last night I was just left to set up the bassinette in my room and sterilize her bottles ready for feeding.

“Yeah everything’s ready, I even put a little welcome home banner
up in the living room this morning, not that she’ll ever remember it, but it’s a big day.”

“I wish I could come with you, but I need to save more babies lives so they can go home too.” That makes me smile, and I can’t resist pressing a kiss against his lips. It
’s a little risky, somebody could see us, but I can’t stop myself.

“I love you, do you know that, Doctor Bailey?”

“I do, Miss Jacobson, I love you too.”

“Call me when you’ve finished.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He looks down at a content sleeping Lily affectionately for a split second, then back up at me. “Catch you later, baby.”

“Bye.
” I smile, then begin to walk away with Lily in tow.

I turn back around when Ashton calls out my name.
 “It suits you,” he says.

“What does?” I ask, with perplexed amusement.

He steps towards me until he is inches away from my face. “Being a mom, and I have to say you look sexy as hell right now. It’s doing crazy things to me. I’m a lucky man.” I am smiling so hard it feels as though my face is about to split in half any second now. He leans down and whispers the words that shock me to my core. “And I can only imagine how sexy you will look carrying our child.” He smirks, then walks away, leaving me…well even more turned on and rightly so, confused. Frozen to the spot, I glance down at Lily asleep in her car seat, and I hope one day I can give her a brother or sister. I walk outside in a dream like daze, picturing Lily and a mini Ashton running around in transcendent gardens, chasing after one another and I am so caught up in my day dream that I walk straight past Caleb, totally unaware of his presence.

He catches up to me with a look of concern on his face.
 “Are you okay? You look preoccupied.”

“I’m perfect. Let
’s get my baby home.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Welcome home, baby girl.” I take Lily-Mai who is now awake from her sleep, out of her car seat and lift her gently into my hands, cradling her into my arms. I give her a grand tour of the apartment; carrying her from one room to the next, giving her an in-depth explanation of each room and it’s rather amusing to see her bright eyes widening, almost as if my words are the most fascinating words that have ever left my mouth, that is if she could understand what I was saying.

“And this is your nursery,” I say in gentle baby exaggerated tones as we enter her beautifully decorated white and pink nursery. The décor is elegant yet simple, the walls are painted in a plain pastel shade of pink, with the exception to the beautiful white silhouette Tinker Bell with tiny white stars twinkling from the end of her wand pointing to Lily
-Mai’s name in elegant handwriting above a traditional white pine crib. The crib complements perfectly with the pure-white furniture, and matching nursing swivel glider with an ottoman that sits in the corner of the room.

I walk her slowly around the nursery in a full circle, coming to a stop at the changing table.

“Let’s get you out of your snow suit,” I mutter gently to Lily as I gently lay her down against the changing table. I zip her out of her snowsuit, smiling when I look down at her cute baby romper that says, ‘My Mom Rocks’ in pink rock and roll letters that Caleb picked up for her.

“You
r mom totally does rock,” I whisper in agreement as I lean down and lift her left hand into mine, placing a gentle kiss against her tiny fingers. As I pull away, I get a distinct smell coming from Lily, alerting me that she has indeed done a poop. “Wow, has your milk been laced with curry? That is pungent, baby girl. Let’s get your little tushy changed.”

Once her diaper has been changed, I bring her back into the living room and hand her over to Caleb who is sat on the sofa flicking through the television channels. I walk into the kitchen to get her bottle ready, with her three different prescribed vitamins and
medication and just in time too, as her cries fill the entire apartment.

A couple of minutes later I walk back into the living room with her bib and a warm bottle in hand. “I’m here
, baby, I’m here.” I take a comfortable position beside Caleb, and then gently place her bib around her neck. Placing the bottle between my legs, I take a wailing Lily from Caleb’s arms; place her gently into the crux of my arms, cradling her. When I hold the bottle up to her mouth, she immediately takes the teat into her mouth and proceeds with her feed, the crying immediately being replaced with peaceful eager gulps.

“And so it begins,” Caleb says with an amused smirk. “You ready for sleepless nights for the next eighteen years?” I roll my eyes, smiling at his over exaggeration.

“Hell yeah, I’ve been waiting thirteen weeks for this. Bring it on.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lily’s first Christmas comes and goes, and I think Caleb bought the entire Toys R Us store and that along with the gifts Ashton and I bought her, and the special delivery from Sebastian it was safe to say she was incredibly spoiled.

Christmas Eve was spent watching back-to-back Christmas movies, listening to Michael Bublé’s Christmas album and eating way too much food.
 Christmas day was originally supposed to be spent at Caleb’s folks up in Portland, but those plans were cancelled the moment we opened the door to Sebastian’s father and sister Christmas morning. They had flown in from Charlotte especially to meet their granddaughter and niece. I was surprised yet horrified to find them at my door. I felt awkward in their presence, wondering if they could sense my betrayal somehow. The guilt weighed heavily in my chest for three days straight, and it didn’t make it any easier when they both kept asking questions about our wedding, or if we were going to have any more children. Then when they weren’t asking questions about Sebastian and I, they were asking questions of Lily’s time in the NICU, and that made me think of Ashton. I just spent the remainder of their stay in a quaking mess of guilt. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up or for time to speed up for Sebastian’s arrival, so I could stop with all the lies. It was such a relief when they returned home, not only for my sanity but also for my conscience. Although the next time they see me, well I can’t imagine it will be a nice affair. I will be the one who broke Sebastian’s heart, and they will want my bloody heart on a silver platter.