Losing Me Finding You (25 page)

“No, you’re not,” I say.

“Evie,” Ben says, his voice serious now. “I have no idea what today means. I don’t know why you stayed, or whether it’s all over now, or how we can make sure this happens next time the leap year rolls around.” He stops, finishes his cup of tea before reaching across and taking my hand in his. Bringing it to his lips, I watch as he presses a kiss to the back of my hand before continuing. “But one thing I do know, with absolute certainty, is that waking up next to you this morning was the best thing in the world for me. It was a day and a moment and a chance that we never normally get, baby. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to question that right now.”

I’m staring at Ben as he says these words to me and the only thing I can think is you are so goddamn right. Why am I wasting time wondering about this? I don’t know why it happened and I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but the point is, it
has
happened. And Ben’s right, we shouldn’t waste it. We shouldn’t waste any chance we get to be together, because we of all people know just how limited that time can be.

“You’re right,” I eventually say, nodding at him.

Ben smiles now, his cheeky grin lighting up his entire face. “Um, you want to say that again, please?” he says.

I shake my head and laugh, unable to help it. Ben just has that way about him; he can always lift my mood and have me laughing, with only a smile or a cheeky comment. It’s one of the many things I love about him.

“Evie,” he says, still smiling. “I’m waiting, baby.”

I bite my lip. “Waiting for what, Ben?” I ask, trying to play coy.

He laughs now. “You know exactly what.”

Smiling I ask, “And if I don’t say it?”

“Well,” Ben says, standing up as he stretches his arms in front of him, his fingers linked together and knuckles cracking. “Then it might be time to put this table to its other use.”

And before I know it, Ben’s t-shirt is on the floor and I’m lying flat on my back on the table, just like Ben promised.

“Have you had a good day?” Ben asks, sliding us further into the tub as he lies with his head back against the edge, a towel rolled beneath his neck.

We are now in the bath. It was kind of necessary after our very late breakfast turned to sex, which turned to messy on the kitchen table, then even messier on the kitchen floor. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to look at that table with a straight face ever again, let alone when we next have people over and eating off it.

“A perfect day,” I say, my head leaning back against his chest.

“Doing nothing all day was everything you hoped it would be?” he asks, pressing a kiss to my shoulder.

“The only thing I wanted to do today, Ben, was you,” I say, tilting my head so I can kiss his lips. “And that was definitely everything I hoped it would be.”

I feel Ben laugh, his body moving beneath me. He wraps his arms around my shoulders, as he leans in and presses a kiss against my neck. “The day’s not over yet, baby,” he whispers, making me groan.

I stretch out in the hot, soapy water. My feet can just reach the end, dwarfed by Ben’s, which are resting on the lip of the tub. There’s plenty of room in here for both of us though and right now, I’m laying between Ben’s legs, resting against his chest, my arms on his hard thighs.

The bathroom is actually one of the things we loved about this flat when we first looked at it. We only have one, but it’s big and it has this huge tub beside a window overlooking the city. Right now, that window is lined with candles, a bottle of wine and two half-drunk glasses. The whole room is warm and a heavy steam hangs in the air. The weather outside has turned to rain and sleet, which is hitting the window in a constant patter. But inside, the lights are off and there is music playing and because it’s practically dark already, there is a dreamy romantic feel to the whole room. It is absolutely perfect.

“What would you have done today had I not been here?” I ask, reaching out to grab my glass of wine.

Ben’s hand smoothes the hair back from my face. “Been miserable,” he simply says.

I glance up at him and see he’s watching me, an intensity in his eyes that confirms not only how true his words are, but also how glad he is that this didn’t happen.

“Me too,” I say, knowing it’s true, even if I wouldn’t have known the reasons why.

“Tell me what it feels like when you go?” Ben suddenly asks. It surprises me because for the most part, he never wants to talk about this. Not about me leaving, and not about what it’s like when I’m gone or we’re apart. Ben only ever focuses on the here and now, the us.

“You mean the moment it actually happens?” I ask him, putting my wine back on the windowsill.

“Yeah.”

I take a deep breath, smoothing my hands down Ben’s thighs again. With my toe, I gently turn on the tap, add a little more hot water to the tub while I try and work out how to explain it to him.

“It’s hard to describe,” I start. “The whole thing happens very quickly, but at the same time, it’s like I’m watching it all unfold in slow motion too.” I shut off the tap with my foot again, before rolling over so my chin is propped on Ben’s chest. He stares down at me as his hand pushes my hair back and I wrap my arms around his waist. “I told you, back when we were kids, how I can feel it coming, right?” Ben nods and I continue. “Well, when it does, it’s like watching a movie and as much as I want to pause or stop it, I can’t. You’re there, right in front of me and you’re staring at me. I can see your face and hear your voice. I can remember you and us and everything that’s happened, right up until the very last second. And then there’s the moment when I blink, and…” I trail off, hating this next part.

“And?” Ben prompts, his finger under my chin so I’m forced to look at him.

“And I remember you, how you look, how you make me feel. I remember how much I love you,” I whisper. “And then it all goes dark.”

“Dark?” Ben says, his thumb stroking my cheek now. He looks at me with so much love, it’s impossible not to lean in and kiss him. I don’t know how the hell I ever manage to forget this man, but I’m so glad I always find a way to remember him.

“Yes, dark,” I say quietly. “Everything goes very dark and then it’s all just gone. Everything is gone.”

“Are you scared?” he asks me.

“Not scared,” I say. “Mostly I’m just trying to find the light again, trying to find my way back.”

“Back to the light?” he asks.

“Back to you,” I say quietly. “You’re not just the first thing I remember. You’re always the last thing I remember too, Ben, and you’re always the one thing I’m trying to find again, even if I don’t realise it straightaway.”

“Baby,” he breathes out, his arms hauling me up his body now before he presses his lips hard against mine.

“How do you explain all of this to people?” I eventually ask him, pressing a kiss to his stomach before sliding up the bed and laying my head on the opposite pillow. We’ve left the bath now, along with a huge puddle of water on the floor. We’re up to four different rooms in the flat today, although we’re finally calling it a night back in bed.

“You leaving?” Ben asks.

“Yes.”

This is the most we’ve ever talked about all of this too, our conversation from earlier only delayed while we did other things. But it’s been good to talk about it for a change. It almost feels like closure and I can’t help but wonder, hope even, that it’s happening today because after today, it’s all going to be over.

“I didn’t want to say anything at all when you left last time,” he says quietly. “I didn’t want to admit to anyone about what had happened between us.”

“You didn’t?” I ask.

Ben shakes his head. “No, because if I said it out loud, then that made it true, and I didn’t want it to be true.”

My eyes close as I can only imagine how hard that must have been. Not just because we were living together back then, but that it happened on that night. A night that we both knew was not going to have a tomorrow and so wasn’t going to have a resolution either. Refusing to listen to Ben, fighting with him like that and then disappearing was awful, but staying away for so long was the worst thing I have ever done. I will never lose this regret.

“I know what you’re thinking, baby,” Ben says quietly, his fingers running gently down my nose before he touches them to my lips. I press a soft kiss against them.

“I know,” I whisper, my heart aching with all that I did to him. “It’s just hard. It’s the one thing I want to forget, you know.”

“Don’t, Evie, please,” Ben says, leaning in to kiss me this time. “We have to let it go, baby. It was a bad time for both us and I don’t want to think about it anymore. Please.”

I shrug, knowing there will never be any right words for this moment.

“The past is in the past, Eva. We can’t change it now, no matter how hard we try, or how much we want to.”

“I know we can’t,” I say, knowing it will still hurt every time I’m forced to remember that moment.

“Let it go, baby,” Ben says, his words a quiet plea. “For me.”

I can only nod, as I try to push that moment away, let it go so it doesn’t ruin this day together. “But how did you explain it to your mum and dad?” I eventually ask him. “I mean we were living together.”

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “It definitely made things difficult.”

“So what did you say?” I ask, reaching out and taking his hand, which lies between us, in mine.

Ben exhales and a part of me wonders if maybe it doesn’t matter what was said. His parents have accepted I’m back, so have Rachel and all of his friends. Ben and I have already discussed what happened that night at the party and I know neither of us wants to rehash or relive it any more.

But at the same time, today feels like a day for talking about it. It’s been a day of discoveries and second chances and things being far from normal. So talking about all of this, somehow feels like the right thing to do.

“At first I told them that you’d moved to London to look for a place for us. By the time they came back from their holiday, my letter had arrived so I knew I was moving there. I told them that you’d left to find us somewhere to live and to find a job,” he says, his voice soft in the darkness. “I told them that I’d follow you as soon as I finished up in Fleet.”

“And they believed you?”

“No, of course they didn’t,” he says, squeezing my fingers. “They love you, Evie, they never believed that you’d leave without saying goodbye to them.”

“I wouldn’t,” I tell him, knowing that he knows just how much I love his family too.

“I know,” he says quietly. “Plus, I was miserable, anyone could see that.”

“So what happened?” I ask.

Ben leans in to kiss me quickly, before asking, “Why are we talking about all of this today?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, it’s been a strange day,” I tell him.

“Not just strange,” he says, lifting my hand to his lips.

I smile. “No,” I whisper, sliding over so I can kiss him. I feel Ben’s arm wrap around my waist and pull me closer, just like he did this morning when we first woke up. It makes me smile. “Tell me though?” I ask, my lips against his.

Ben pulls back, his fingers tucking my hair behind my ear. He exhales and I can tell from his face that he doesn’t really want to.

“We always talk about these things now, remember,” I say, my fingers brushing against his cheek as I remind him of the promise we both made.

“I know we do,” Ben says, turning to catch my fingers with his lips. He presses kisses to the ends of each of them before he takes my hand in his again, holding them between us.

“So tell me, please?” I whisper.

“Eventually they asked me the real story. So eventually I told them that we’d had a fight,” Ben says, all of the air leaving his lungs in a rush. He’s not looking at me now, his eyes watching his fingers as they let go of my hand and start to comb through my hair. “Then I told them that you’d disappeared.”

“What?” I ask, wondering exactly what he means. “You mean like disappeared, disappeared?”

Ben shakes his head. “No, Evie, not like that. Although you don’t know how many times I came this close to telling someone, just so I could get it off my chest,” he says, his eyes finally on mine again. “It was fucking awful being without you, baby, but sometimes it was worse not being able to explain why.”

“Ben,” I breathe out, my hand on his cheek now.

“I just wanted to explain it, you know. So people knew why we were apart, so Paul would stop trying to set me up with every friend of his latest girlfriend.”

“He did that?” I ask, a sudden spike of jealousy coursing through me.

Ben smiles. “He tried, baby, but you already know how that all panned out.”

“Do you wish we had told someone?” I ask, knowing it would probably make Ben’s life a lot easier. It doesn’t really impact me, because I’m the one who gets to move on. I wake up in a different life with no memory of the one I’ve left behind. No knowledge of the gaping hole I’ve left, especially for Ben. He’s the one who’s left to try and explain it to everyone.

“Sometimes, yeah,” he says. “But then I wonder how we’d do it. I think a part of what made it so much easier for me, was that it happened right in front of me and also that we were kids, you know.” I watch as Ben smiles at me. “Somehow these kind of things are always easier to take when you’re kids.”