Losing You: a prequel to It's Not Over (2 page)

They all laughed at me as I sat back down to continue to work on homework again.  From now on I needed to avoid meeting up with people when they were scheduled for a tutor session.

Telling myself to stay away from him when he was tutoring didn’t last long.  I found myself drawn to follow him, observe him, and study his every move.  Pretty soon I would have to have him tutor me, because my obsession was hurting my school work.  I needed to figure out the best way to surprise him, because if I didn’t, surely I would go crazy.  My stomach fluttered as I imagined walking up to him while he was tutoring Rachel.  I would love for him to kiss me in front of her; being honest I would love for him to kiss me in front of them all.  It pleased me that his heart belonged to me. 

In my private little cove in the library where I spied on him I waited for Paul and Rachel to show up for their appointment.  I always arrived a half hour before and left a half hour after they were done.  The problem with that, today they didn’t show up for the appointment.  Realizing it must be canceled I headed for my room pouting.  On my way to the dorm I saw him setting up a blanket in the commons, and then Rachel sat down on it.  He did the same while Rachel moved closer to him.  My hands tightened into fists at my side, my heart raced with anger, and my face flushed with heat.  Paul had every right to do this, but I still loved him.  This is a little too cozy for tutoring.

Tammy walked up behind me, “Yes, she is making head way with that one.”

I turned to her, “This was her idea?”

“Yes, but she said he agreed without persuasion.”

I turned to walk around the other end of the building, “Jess, where are you going?  You should let me introduce you.  His friend seemed really interested in meeting you.”

“I’m not feeling well; maybe another day.”

I ran up to my room and straight to the window.  Tears pricked at my eyes, while my stomach twisted to knots.  Seeing Paul with someone else tore her to little pieces.  Why had she decided to wait for a special moment?  Now someone else had his attention.  The pain in my heart felt like a knife had been shoved into it and then twisted back and forth to make sure the pain was excruciating.  I should hurry up before he changes his mind about loving me.

What surprised me the most is the kiss.  Not even realizing it my hands went to the window, and I must have screamed because it didn’t last very long when they both looked up to my window.  I fell back onto my bed to whimper, cry, and then sob some more.  The only thing that repeated in my mind is
what have I done?

That night I exhausted myself from crying so long and hard.  I broke up with him to avoid the hurt and sadness and all I caused myself was more heart ache.  Why did I decide not to tell him that I’m here?  Oh, the surprise that I was planning, but had no idea of what it was yet.  Great, I screwed this plan up.

My phone rang and I wasn’t going to answer it, but I wanted to hear his voice, “Paul?”

“Hey.”

“Can’t sleep?”

“No.”

I huffed.  I was hoping it was from the guilt of kissing Rachel today, “Is there something wrong?”

“Yes… No… Jess?”

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

We fell asleep listening to each other breath.  I knew what was wrong and he felt like I did when I kissed Greg.  It wasn’t what I thought it would be.  Just like it wasn’t Paul for me, that kiss with Rachel, it wasn’t me.

Discussing my issues with my roommate Karlie hoping she would have suggestions for me, but she didn’t have a clear opinion.  She listened, nodded, and stared at me not saying much of anything.  I guessed she didn’t want to discuss my problems.

The weeks seemed to go a lot faster the closer we got to the end of the first quarter.  I had to buckle down and really start to study to pass my classes.  My classes are hard; the homework impossible, and my wandering mind lands on thinking school isn’t for me.  To distract myself from school work I follow Paul every day, but that drives me crazy.  How many girls does he have to kiss?  Kissing Rachel has broken my heart, but now it seems he gives each girl a kiss or two.  Spying on him obsessively causes sadness to engulf my daily routine. 

By the end of the quarter I stopped talking to my roommate especially after I saw her tutoring session with Paul.  She disappointed me, but he wasn’t mine anymore.  I broke up with him.

Each painful kiss embedded in my phone to remind me that he had done this, and if the subject came up he wouldn’t be able to deny it.  Scanning through the pictures I noticed a trend.  He would meet a new student a couple of times in the Library, then they would meet in a remote spot, kiss, and then all of it would end.  No more kisses, no more remote spot, just the Library or they would not sign up with him any longer.  Never more than one girl at a time to a remote location, but it would only happen once with each girl.

Either they didn’t kiss very well or they didn’t do it for him.  I hoped and prayed the latter.  Knowing him for so long before we were together I had watched him go through girl after girl never really having any kind of lasting relationship.  He had good reason though, his last serious girlfriend before me died.  They had snuck out late one night to make their first time special.  As a teenager he thought, at the time, that sex was very important for their relationship.  She changed her mind and they argued as he drove her home.  Distracted by the argument they failed to notice the dump truck coming or when it ran into the passenger side of his car.  When he told me she gasped his name just before she passed away he had tears in his eyes.  With me he never pushed the issue of sex; in fact he loved me enough to wait as long as I needed.  The sad part of it is; he promised my dad that I would have to agree to marry him before we took that step.  I’m too young to get married, so we’re still waiting.

The three years we had been together he had been so good, so why did he go back to girl after girl?  He seems unsatisfied with the selection, or he didn’t connect with any of them.  As I realize that no one would do it for me like Pau, he would also realize the same.

To distract me from obsessively stalking my ex-boyfriend I joined a few clubs.  My favorite of the clubs is:  “Changing the World.”  The mission statement said “We will live a full and plentiful life, when we help others in need.”  This is where I met Iaesha.  She’s a beautiful girl with mocha colored skin that radiated a glow of perfection.  She went on and on about the peace core and how she had plans after she graduated from college to go help somewhere in the world and make a difference.  The more meetings I went to the more I distracted myself from Paul.  Yes I loved him, and if he needed to move on I loved him enough to let go.  Planning and helping others in need gave me a sense of pride.  Someday I would make a difference in someone’s life.  Seriously considering joining a group heading to a remote country on a mission I weighed the pros and cons.  My reasoning told me that it would be better than staying here to wallow in sadness.

I should have never said that in front of Iaesha.  The next thing I knew she introduced me to a bunch of people who were talking to me like I was going with them on their excursion.  Then everything happened so quickly.  I had a passport, the flight booked, and my name on the list.  So confused of how all this happened in no time at all.  When I spied Paul kissing yet another girl my whirlwind brain told me to go through with it.  Perhaps not getting phone calls from Paul as often made this more real to me.

As time passed quickly, I had to confirm my plans.  Iaesha had everything worked out to a tee.  If I joined them I could take my finals early due to the tour leaving late March.  So torn on what to do I wanted to consult with the only person that had my best interest at hart.  I wanted to be here with Paul, but that showed signs of impossibility.  I really sucked at this school thing.  Not knowing if it’s because I wasn’t ready for it or if it’s my obsession for Paul watching.

Needing help and advice from someone whom I loved, but I didn’t want to scare my mom and dad.  Plus, I didn’t want to tell them that I failed at college.

Staring at my phone wondering if I dare call Paul; reasoning it out in my head I came up with needing his advice and his voice in my ear.

That’s when I hit the button to call him.

“Jess!”

“Hey.”  That came out completely opposite of how I wanted it to.

“Are you okay?”

“I think I screwed up Paul.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I think I ruined it for us.”

“NO, Jess.  What do you mean?”

“Have you kissed anyone, Paul?”

Silence filed the phone.  At least he didn’t lie to me.

His voice more determined, “I have one question for you?”

“Okay.”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes.” 

The tears started to stream down my face.  My roommate Karlie walked in and took one look at me then walked out. 

“Jess, I have.” 

His confession didn’t take away my misery like I expected it to, “Okay.  I love you, bye.”

“Jess, wait a minute.  You kissed Greg.”

Blame, what a mean defense.  Covering the mouth piece to hide my sob I tried to get a grip on my emotions, but speaking without gasping or blubbering happened to be impossible at this moment.

“Jess, please.  I didn’t want to.  Matt, just keeps hounding me.  He doesn’t want me to go back to the way I was when I lost Annie, and it’s just…”

Grasping for a breath I bellowed, “What?”

“Shit Jess!  I love you, but you didn’t want me.  Remember you broke up with me.  I tried to kiss a few girls, but it’s not the same.”

Confused with what to say I took a deep breath and tried to get it out without letting him hear how devastating his kissing other girls had made me, “What do we do now?”

I covered it quickly as I lost it again.

“Where are you?”

I sniffled and took another deep breath, “School.”

He laughed, “What school? Where?”

“You can’t come now, Paul.  It’s been a really bad day and I just…”

“Okay, when and where?”

“When I am done with classes on Thursday, I had planned to go home.  I’ll tell mom and dad that I had to stay another day and….”

I took a break to breathe, still holding the tears at bay.

“And what, Jess, anything?”

“Meet me at the cabin.”

“Okay, we get done the same day.”

“You will be there, right?”

“Yes.”

“Paul, I am serious.  You have to promise me.”

“Jess, I will be there.  I promise you.”

Scared that he would get side tracked, not show up, or worst of all just blow me off like he had done in the past.   If he didn’t show up it would be the end to the end, “Paul, I couldn’t handle it if you…”  I covered the mouth piece again.

“I swear to you; I will be there.  I love you.”

“Okay, but please don’t…”

“Jess, I am going to be there.  What time?”

“I will be there by 7 pm.”

He laughed, “I will be there by 6:50 pm.”

“Are you sure?”

“Oh, Jess.  Yes, I am so sure.  I have missed you so much.”

With the phone on my ear I lie down on my bed listening to his breath heavy and fast against his end.  Relaxing a little I took my finger off of the mouth piece and my breath trembled.

“Jess, was your day that bad?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to stay on the phone?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to sing to you?”

“No, it will make me sadder.”

Listening to him moving around and humming to himself as I laid there listening to him helped me to drifted off slowly.

Pulling off passing my classes I got one A, three B’s, and four C’s.  Not happy with my grades, but I passed.  That is what matters the most, next to seeing Paul.

Lying to him about the time; I wanted to have time to set it up the cabin romantically.  Chinese food, candles, and Rose petals, this would be a night to remember.  My intentions to make love to Paul had other benefits too, like stop kissing other girls.  The closer I got to the cabin the happier I became.  So close to 6 pm, I got busy right away putting the food in the oven to keep it warm.  Placing the lit candles all over the cabin and then sprinkling the rose petals everywhere, this would be a night he wouldn’t forget.  Table is set for two, the dinner candles lit, now for the sexy silk camisole with five minutes to spare.   Trying a bunch of different ways to stand to wait for him; I leaned against the counter, then the table.  But it didn’t seem right so I sat on the table, but it would send the message of desperate need.  Next to the couch and lay down, but that said
take me now.
  Indeed I wanted to make love to him, but he would have to work to get it.  I had to be sure that he loves me more than anything.

After all my poses my nerves twisted my gut.  Wondering how much time I had now I glanced at the clock that now read 7:15 pm and in that instant my heart broke.  Obviously he’s late, which told me that he broke his promise. I tried to convince myself otherwise, but after my persistence of how importance it had been to me.  If he didn’t show up I wouldn’t be able to talk to him ever again.  This was my final straw as others would say.

My phone rang so I picked it up.

“Jess, I am running late.”

Anger bit out my reply, “I can tell.”

“Jess, I will be there shortly.”

“Okay.”  I didn’t believe him but I had to know for sure, “Why are you late?”

“One of the kids called me with a problem.  Tom hasn’t dealt with this so I had to show them how to fix it.  Now I am covered in grease and this stupid…”  He grunted, “Thing won’t budge, but Jess don’t leave.  I will be there as soon as I can.”

“Bye, Paul.”

“You’re not leaving are you?”

“No, I will wait.”

“I love you, Jess.”

I don’t think he understood that my decision to leave the country happen to be based on this one night.  If he didn’t show up I would agree to go.  I grabbed a blanket and curled up on the couch heart broken.  My will to live is gone, my heart is hurting, my mind is telling me awful things; and I have to get away.  If I go to a place where people would need me and appreciate what I have to offer maybe, I would find purpose in my life again.

Disappointment hit me when I woke finding myself still alone. The candles melted into blobs of wax, resembling her emotions.  If it could hurt any more than last night, it did.  I blew out the candles one by one and the last one went out when my tear dropped to it.  This part of my life is over, the sobs seeped from me as I changed and gathered my stuff.  Sitting behind the while unable to see I sat there for a short while trying to compose myself enough to call Iaesha.

My time to commit to a purpose, “I am going with you.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I have nothing here that I need to stay for.  Thanks Iaesha.”

“Yes, I am so excited.  We are going to a new world.”

“Yeah, that’s great.  I will talk to you when I get back to school.  You can tell me what I need to bring.”

“That sounds great.”  She squealed, “I am so happy you are going.”

I wasn’t but I didn’t tell her that.

I drove to Paul’s house with a small bag of stuff.  After his mother opened the door her happiness to see me lite her eyes, “Jess, what a lovely surprise.  What are you doing here?”

Working myself up to handle this I took a deep breath and gave her a huge smile, “I brought a gift for Paul and wanted to drop it off for him on my way home from school.  May I leave it in his room?”

“Sure dear.  Help yourself.”

After making my way down the stairs I went to work.  First of all I pulled down the poster of pictures of us together that hung on his closet door, tucked it between his mattress and box spring.  It would be too hard to get that out of the house without his mother noticing.  I put up a poster of a girl in a bikini for him instead. Every guy likes the girl in a bikini poster.  Next on my list to erase is his computer.  There are files and files of photos, even ones that I hadn’t seen before.  I downloaded them to CD’s.  After verifying that they actually made it to the CD I deleted them from the hard drive.  The wolf pictures were a gift to him so those could stay.  Finally, the framed photos.  Each one, I lay down after pulling the photo out of the frame.  His room was empty of me so I went to the den where I found our prom pictures.  One more search of both rooms proved that no more memories of me were left behind.  I didn’t want him to make a shrine like he did with Annie, his last girlfriend.  God I loved him, and I didn’t want to hurt him.  I convinced myself that everything I did is for the best.  Heading back up the stairs with my bag in hand, I hugged his mom.  My throat swelled and my body shook.  I had to get out of there fast before she figured it out I’m losing it.  I kissed her cheek and smiled, but my eyes tiered up betraying me.  I hurried out the door rushing to my car.  Her voice yelled after me full of concern, “Jess, are you okay.”