Losing You: a prequel to It's Not Over (4 page)

More determined than ever, I didn’t want him to think it’s an illusion.  I glared at him, “She is here!”

Getting a glimpse of her over his shoulder I took off again after her, “J-e-s-s.” 

“Paul, stop.  She isn’t here.  You would have known.”

I kept running until we got to a door I thought she ran out of.  Gary the big security guy here stopped me, “Where do you think you are going?”

“After that girl.  She is my girlfriend.”

“No, she said a crazy guy was following her.  I don’t think she would be running from you if you were her boyfriend.”

“Gary, that’s my Jess.”

“No way.”

I gave him pleading eyes.  He glanced at Matt for confirmation that I hadn’t lost my mind again so I turned to Matt too, “Please, you have to believe me.”

Matt nodded, “If he says it’s her; it has to be.”

Gary shook his head, “I can’t do it.  Girls got to have protection and she’s running away from something.”

Taking off toward the front doors with a growl, it had to be her.  Running through room after room pushing my way through the crowds of people time seemed to stretch out in front of me.  If I didn’t hurry she would disappear from my life forever.  This is my one and only chance to speak with her, to win her back.  Shoving through the front doors I ran into the street to search in both directions.  Matt came storming out the door behind me and bumped into me, “Do you see her?”

Shaking my head I started to jog in one direction and Matt followed, “Paul, why would she be here?”

It was like a light bulb went off in my brain.  I stopped and turned on Matt, “Did you send pictures to Jess?  Me kissing other girls?”  If he did I would kill him right here and now.

“No!  I wouldn’t do that.  You belong with Jess.  Besides the kissing was my idea to stop you from being miserable.”

“She sent me pictures of me kissing the girls that I tutored.  How else did she get them if you didn’t send them?”

He had this puzzled expression on his face.

“Matt, she has been here the whole time.”

He shook his head, “That isn’t possible.”

“Well, then you explain how she got those pictures.”

He shook his head more, “Are you sure that’s her?”

I ignored his ignorance and headed for my truck.  I was going to find her and there’s one place to look.

Matt followed, “Paul, where are we going?”

“To the school’s dorm.”

“Why?”

“It’s her.  I’d know her anywhere and where else would she stay.”

We got to the truck but Matt stood in front of me with his hand out.  I glared at him, “What are you doing?”

“Trust me.  It’ll be quick if I drop you off and then park.”

I handed him the keys and got in the passenger side.  I tapped my foot the whole way because I would have gone faster than him.  Driving me crazy with his old man driving, we finally made it to school.  Not waiting for him to stop I jumped out and ran up to the dorm.  Asking the dorm manager where Jess lived. 

She gave me a disapproving glare, “I can’t tell you that.”

I ran down the hall knocking on doors, “Jess… Jess… I know you are here… Jess… please.”

All of a sudden I felt large arm restrain me pulling me back to the sitting area.  I struggled but he had me at a disadvantage.  My arms locked behind me and he lifted me off the floor.

“Now, Paul, you know better than this.  Settle down.”

“No, it’s Jess.  She is here.  I saw her tonight.  Kevin, please help me.”

Matt came running in the door when Kevin tossed me to the couch.  He pointed at me scolding, “Settle down or I’ll call the police.”

I put my head in my hands pleading, “She is here.  Please help me?”

Matt sat down by me, “Hey, you have to calm down or you won’t see her at all.”

I leaned back with my arm over my eyes.  Shit, I cannot believe I didn’t figure this out a long time ago.  I sat silently while Matt talked to Kevin.  A group of girls came in acting odd.  They looked at me and whispered to each other.  Three out of the five girls happen to be girls I had kissed and my body ached with regret.  Or were they hiding something.  I watched as they walked down the hall and they kept glancing back at me, laughing.  They knew something.  I glanced over at Matt who was distracting Kevin.  Getting up I followed them up the steps they took to the next floor.  Following them I peeked to watch what rooms they went in.  Matt must have been keeping Kevin distract; no one was coming for me.  Listening at each door for Jess, she had to be here in one of these three rooms.  I heard crying, sobbing, and then her voice and how frantic she sounded.  I knocked, “Jess, baby, please talk to me.”

Karlie opened the door, “Paul, what are you doing here?”

“Jess is in there.  Please let me talk to her.”

She tried to look confused, “Paul, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Don’t play dumb with me.  I heard her.  Let me talk to her now.”

Karlie closed the door and I knocked and started to yell to her.  “Jess, please.  Oh come on Jess.  Please, I need to see you.  Jess, you should have told me you were here.  Jessica Jenson, answer me.”

I felt those horrible muscles pull me back slamming me into the wall, “I told you, Paul.”

I sat down and cried like I never have in my life.  She’s on the other side of this door.  I was so close to her, but yet she was so out of reach.  Kevin and Matt pulled me up and walked me down stairs.  I didn’t move after that.  My mind raced through all those days; how I spent them and what she saw.  I remembered one day in the library where I had this feeling like she was there and Matt helped me search the library.  Giving up our search with me thinking I just missed her too much. 

Matt gave up and went home.  I wasn’t moving from this dorm until I saw her.  Kevin got another call and he was very reluctant about letting me stay, “If I have to come back here tonight you are going to jail.”

I nodded, “I will behave.”

He ran off and I walked back up the stairs.  I sat down leaning against the wall across from her room.  I didn’t want to disturb anyone so that I would go to jail, but I wasn’t leaving either.

Monday morning Kevin walked down the hall towards me.  He pulled me to my feet, “Have you been here since Saturday?”

I nodded, but didn’t have anything to say for myself.  I didn’t want to leave until I talked to Jess.  Karlie walked out, and directed us down the stairs to the lounge area.  Kevin led me to sit on the couch.

Karlie started, “We need to make an arrangement.”

Excitement filled my inner core.  Jess wanted to arrange a meeting with me.  Kevin sat down by me.  Not sure if Kevin intended on restraining me or preventing any outburst on my side, but the support comforted me.  Karlie paced back and forth in front of us as I watched her, anticipating how this would go.

She stopped and directed all her attention to Kevin, “He can’t stay in our hallway.”

As Kevin peeked at me I wondered what this had to do with Jess and my reunion.

Karlie, a furry red, shouted, “Paul, she has to be able to go to class.”

This is going to be easy.  I leaned back, crossed my arms over my chest, and confirmed, “Fine.  As soon as she sees me I’ll leave.”

“No, Paul, you can’t be in charge.  Kevin, tell him he is going to hurt her worse if she can’t go to class.”

Raising his eyebrows with a glance at me, “She is right.  You don’t want to hurt her, do you?”

That isn’t my intention.  I shook my head and stared down the hall, “So, what does she want?”

“She wants to go to class without worrying about trying to avoiding you.”

She shouldn’t be avoiding me at all, “Can you tell her I will go away, but after she sees me?”

Karlie shook her head no.  No matter what I said Karlie didn’t agree with me and neither did Kevin.  Both of missing classes wouldn’t fix anything.  Wanting her to stay here at this school happened to be a benefit for me, because I would have time to win her back.  Letting them think that they won this argument.  I reluctantly agreed with stipulations, “If she gives me her class schedules I will clear out before she needs to go to class and I will stay away until the class is over allowing enough time for her to make it home.”

Kevin, more perceptive of my inner thoughts, established, “Paul, she needs to be able to eat, do her laundry, and go to the library.  The girl needs her life back.”

Not agreeing, I just wanted them to think I agreed, “Fine, I will give her space.”

Karlie walked away going up the stairs.  I looked at Kevin pulling out the box with the ring.  I handed it to him, “She’s supposed to marry me someday.”

He took the box examining the ring.  Handing it back to me, “So, what happened?”

My business had to come first for a couple of reasons, and both of them had to do with her.  “I screwed up by not putting her needs first.”

As if he understood he grinned, “Okay, we’ll figure something out, but you can’t make her see you if she doesn’t want to.”

We both watched Karlie coming back with a paper in her hand.  She handed it to me, but waited my scrutiny out.

With careful planning she would have to run into me, but girls are smart.  I had to make it sound like I wasn’t giving up yet, “I will clear out an hour before she is supposed to go to class and I will be back an hour after she is done with class.  I will also give her two hours for dinner, laundry, and whatever else she has to do.  That is the best I can do unless she just talks to me for 5 minutes, it’s all I am asking.  If she doesn’t want anything to do with me after that, then I won’t hang out in the hallway anymore.”

Karlie glared, “You are incorrigible.  What I saw in you baffles me.  I guess that will have to do, because she isn’t going to see you.”

I got up and walked out.  I went far enough that I wouldn’t interfere with her going to class today, but I had to have one peek at her.  I noticed when she came out from the dorm.  My heart pounding harder than it ever has, my breathing uncontrollable, my feet moved me closer to her.  Wanting to run to her, pull her into my arms, and never let her go again seemed extreme, but I missed her so much.  She paused on the walkway scanning the area, making sure the coast was clear.  Close enough to see her delicate beauty worn with pain.  Her skin had paled, her eyes puffy, and yet her beauty radiated around her engulfing her in a heavenly glow.  Okay, so maybe it was the sun coming up behind her, but it wrapped her with its stream of lights.  Maybe if I groveled at her feet she would take my ring and be forever mine.

I jumped a mile when a hand gripped my shoulder.

“You promised, Paul.”  Kevin was standing next to me, holding me still while she escaped me.  Holding back until Kevin let go, but then again the experience didn’t seem to be enough and my feet moved once his hand let go.

Another grip, this one more firm than the last, stopped me, “No.  You said you would let her go to class.”

I nodded and observed her walk into the building.

It’s time to change tactics.  I got flowers every day, and placed them by her door while she went for dinner.  I tried to contact her every day with a text, but I kept it simple.  Like
:
“Jess, please talk to me,” “I need five minutes,” “I miss you,” “look great,
”
but the one that stopped her wa
s
“will you marry me.”

Another tactic, I left notes on the door in the morning and would wait outside in case she decided to talk to me.  I tried to go to class too, but found myself searching for a glimpse of her as I walked from room to room.  I quit all tutoring, because all I wanted to do is win her back.  The days go by so quickly that today happens to be her birthday.

My gift to her needs to be extreme.  I called Karlie and made arrangements to deliver flowers to her room.  Why she agreed I am unsure, but I’m thankful none the less. 

A time from our past, Jess’s 18
th
birthday, came to mind.  She had been so angry with me about not spending more time with her.  Yeah, I blew that to shit.  That day I had bought her flowers to represent our past, present, and future.  It took me a while to get them all in her room.  Karlie watched as a placed the bouquets of carnations on one have of the room.  The biggest bouquet I placed a card with my word
-
The carnations a symbol of how many days I have loved you
.
  On the other side of the room I filled with red and white tulips.  This card said
-
The tulips a symbol of how many days I will love you
.
 
Ended the gross display of flowers with three bouquets of roses; putting the final card in the middle.  Standing there a moment remembering everything about her as he placed the final card that read
-
The roses a symbol of everything I love about you.

With hope that she’d remember their love and forgive him enough to at least have a conversation with him.  He’d win her back if she found it in her heart to open back up to him. 

Karlie supervised my every move, but her face indicated that this weakened her defenses.  I moved to the door, my heart ached with leaving.  One last glance at Karlie showed her that I didn’t do this to start trouble I only wanted a moment of Jess’s time.

She stood there wrapped in her own arms, “You are in love with her?”

Nodding as I stared into her eyes pleading for help.  I had to ask, “Is she coming around at all?”

The pains in my heart reflected on Karlie’s face as she shook her head no.  Leaving with no argument I went home to shower before heading back to sit by her door. 

Matt’s edginess made me nervous as he followed me around the apartment waiting for my melt down.  Determined not to let that happen again, I put on my coat to head back when my phone buzzed.  When I pulled it out Matt and I shared in the triumph that the flowers had somehow worked on Jess.  My blood rushed through my body sending a tingling sensation to my extremities.

It was a single text from her, which happened to be better than nothing at all until I read it
,
“Thanks for remembering this time.”

My knees hit the floor when the air escaped my lungs.  She’s gone and nothing I do will change that.  I had neglected her needs for so long there’s nothing left in her heart for me.

Lying in bed not realizing how it came to be that I never made it back to Jess’s room.  Confusion filled my head why I didn’t have her here in my arms professing my last love.  Matt barged in, “Paul, you either have to stop this or get her to see you.  I can’t watch this anymore.  Why do you have to be so over the top about one girl?”

The text from last night filled my brain and that deep gut wrenching twist of lost ripped at my insides.

Matt pulled me to my feet, “I will not allow you to do this to yourself.  Get up and do something Paul.”

On my feet I followed him pleading, “Matt, can you talk to her.  Tell her anything she wants to hear.  I need your help!”

He walked out the door.  If he talked to her it might help, but it seemed that I had to do this myself.  If I heard her voice it might help me a little.  I picked up the phone left on Jess’s message from last night.  Though I didn’t break down like I had last night it still burned deep in my heart.

I decided that her voice with direction to leave her a message would have to be enough for now.  Calling her number, waiting for it to pick up after several rings, I just needed to hear her voice.

Completely surprised that she picked up, but she didn’t say hello either.  What was she doing?  Did she want me to beg?

“Jess?”

“Um, no.  Is this Paul?”

“Yes, who is this?”

“It’s Karlie.  I thought you agreed to give her space.”

“I am.  I just expected to get the voice service.  Why are you answering her phone?”

The line seemed eerie quiet.  She wanted to tell me something but didn’t want to at the same time.

“Paul she doesn’t carry her phone anymore.  The only time I see her with it is when she calls home, and last night.”

All my questions came out in a rolling wave, because Karlie wanted to help me.  “Is she okay?  Did the flowers help?  Is she going to see me now?  I can’t take this much longer.”

“Um.  That’s the reason I answered the phone.  I am a little worried; she has a meeting with the administrator this morning.”

“When?”

“She just left.”

“Is she having problems with classes?”

“I don’t think so.  All she does is study.  I think she’s doing better than the first quarter.”

“Is it money?”

“Honestly Paul, she doesn’t talk to anyone anymore.  She hardly eats.  And most of the time I can’t sleep in my room because I can’t stand hearing her crying all time.”

If she would just see me I’d take all the sadness away from her, “She cries a lot?”

“That would be an understatement.  Last night she didn’t sleep at all.  She sat in the window cell and cried all night holding one tulip.”

Trying to process her reaction in my head jumbled together.  She’s done with me forever, but I wasn’t letting her go.  I made it harder on her.  I had no intention of hurting her further, but my protective side sent me to the Administrator’s office.  I called Theo on my way there.

“Hey, what’s up kid?”

“You could have told me she was here.”

“What?”

“She has been here all year and I just find out about it.”

“Paul, she was planning a surprise and it didn’t go well and then when she came home she was upset.  I didn’t see the point.”

“The point is that I could have been spending time with her this whole year and now I just find out and she won’t even talk to me.”

“Hey, it was up to her.”

“I know, but what is the problem now?”

“What do you mean?”

“She has a meeting with admissions this morning.  Do you have any idea what it’s about?”

“I have no idea.  She hasn’t said there were any problems.”

“You know if it’s money; I can take care of it.”

“I don’t think so.  I paid for everything already and I checked the account last week.”

“So, you don’t know what is going on with her?”

“No.”

“I am on my way there now.”

“So, you two are talking?”

“No, but I want to help her.”

“Paul, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Well, I guess it’s not up to you.  I am here and if she needs my help I have to try.”

“Boy, I don’t want her that upset again.”

“I hate to tell you this but she has been this way for a long time now and it’s not getting any better.  I have to try.”

“Fine, but call me.  Please.”

“Yes, of course.  I will call you as soon as I find out what is going on.”

“Okay.  Love you boy.”

I laughed, “Yeah, I love you too, dad.”

It’s like my second nature went into effect.  Becoming the business person; knowing exactly what to do next.  If there’s a problem I always found a way to take care of it.  Jess’s problem might just be the thing we need to get us back together.  Hell, we were already family.  She had to see that we are destined to be together.