Lost and Found (20 page)

He called me Olivia. When he had first shortened my
name to Liv, at first I didn't like it, but had gotten so used to
the way his deep husky voice would whisper my name
against my skin, that it felt like a secret that only he and I shared. No! What I want is to be LIV again!

I know in my heart that whatever I tell him he will abide by,
but can I live with it if I make the wrong decision? My heart is telling me to attack him and smother him with
kisses, while his hands roam all over my body, and to tell
him to forget about what all I just said to him, but my mind is telling me that what I'm feeling is way too soon and that
it is only going to hurt me in the long run.

"Cash, I could never leave the children. I am already in
love with them and I couldn't bear to be away from them so
no, I'm not quitting my job." He breathed a sigh of relief.

"What about you and me?" I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest and I suddenly feel the urge to throw
up. I can't even force myself to look at him.

"I think it would be best if we just went back to being
professional and I hope that we can stay friends." Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no!

"I appreciate your honesty Olivia, and being very open with
me." He stood up to leave, but stops and bends over and
gives me the sweetest kiss next to my temple and whispers,
"I will see you tomorrow then. Have a good weekend."

He walked out of the living room, without turning back and
then walked out the front door, and in that instant it felt
permanent. I could physically feel my heart break into a
million little pieces all over again.

I look around me at all of the flowers, and see all of the
cards that Claudia had put in a basket and grabbed it and
ran to the bathroom, so that I could empty my stomach. It had been churning since I woke up, and was worse now. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and went back into
my bedroom and cried myself to sleep, telling myself over and over that I had just made the worst decision of my life.

*********************

A few hours later, I woke up feeling like death warmed
over. When I rolled over, the first thing I saw was the basket
full of all of the cards that Cash had sent with the flowers.
After everything that had happened this morning and how
bereft I felt, I still couldn't bring myself to read any of them,
but I resist and pull a few of them out of the basket just to
see what they said. The first one had me crying all over
again.

Liv, I apologize from the bottom
of my heart. Please don't feel
like you have to run away from
me. Trust me please! Call me, so
we can talk about this.

Sincerely,

Cash

Trust him. Can I? That's what I keep asking myself.
Running away was exactly what I did. I open the next one.

I'm through with running. I refuse
to let you either. Call me, Cash

But he did let me run. When I told him what I wanted, he
just left! But he also said that whatever I decided, he would
abide by and he didn't know why I ran, until I told him,
which did let me know he respected me enough to let me make the choice.

So why does the choice that I made hurt so much? I made it
and I'm just going to have to make the best of it. When I
fell asleep the night before thinking that I should quit my
job, I knew that there was no way I could, because of
Gideon and Eden. They are already in my heart and I
couldn't bear to be apart from them.

Yes, I get twinges now and then that remind me of my own loss of my children, but in a way I see bits of Jenna in Eden
and the boys in Gideon and they cause me to remember the
good memories of how my life used to be when they were
alive.

I decide to open one more card, before I go find Claudia, to
see what she's up to.

I'm a dumbass! Please
call me, Liv
.

No Cash. I think you might be wrong on this one, because
right now I'm feeling like the dumbass.

*********************

Its noon by the time I come out of my room and Claudia is
in the kitchen cooking something for lunch.

"I kind of figured you might want to stay in today after the
week you've had, so I'm fixing chicken parmesan and
some salad. Does that sound ok to you?" I nodded, because
it sounded amazing.

"Thanks Claud, and you're right, I don't want to go
anywhere and I'm sorry. I know you wanted to go shopping  
today like we had planned, but after this morning, I just want
to relax and be lazy."

"So what did happen this morning? Is everything okay
between you and Cash?" She's getting the salad ready and
setting the table.

"Define okay. If you mean okay, as in do I still have a job?
Then yes, everything is okay." She stopped and looked at
me and rolled her eyes at me.

"That's not what I meant O, and you know it. You look like
your heart has been ripped in two, and honestly, that's what
he looked like this morning when I answered the front
door." That's exactly how I felt.

"I'm attracted to him, Claud. I'm not going to deny that, but
in my heart I feel like I'm betraying Derek, and honestly
Cash scares the hell out of me, with how he makes me feel!"

And want. And need. Oh my God, his kisses;
kisses that make me forget where I am and make me feel
like we're the only two in the world. For some reason
Claudia is giggling and I realize that she must have seen the
longing look on my face.

"So how does he make you feel, O? Does he make you feel
all mushy inside?"

"Claudia! This is not funny. I've never felt this way in my
life! Derek never made me feel like..."

"Like what? You're on fire? You can't breathe until he
touches you? Like you can't get enough of him? I always
wondered if you were getting what all you should have in
the sack from Derek. I loved him, don't get me wrong, but
you guys were definitely opposites."

"What do you mean by opposites exactly?" I can't believe
she's talking about her brother like this and it's starting to
make me mad.

"All that I'm saying is, Derek was a little controlling is all.
Everything had to be his way. I'm not going to fault him,
because our father was the same way and he really didn't
know any better. But Derek was a lot like Dad in the non-
affectionate area, so I always wondered how your sex life was and I've never pictured it as, well, I guess you could
say hot and passionate."

"Wow! Why are you saying all of this? We had great sex
when he was in the mood. He just wasn't in the mood very
much, because he was always so tired from traveling with
his job.

"Alright. Maybe I'm just not wording it right, but you're
the one that said Cash scares you because of how he makes
you feel. I just have a funny feeling that you're afraid of
Cash, because what you're feeling is so intense, you're afraid
you're going to lose control of yourself and that could be a
good thing, trust me."

"Well, the couple of times he's kissed me, I swear I forgot
where I was or what I was doing, and felt like I could be
consumed by him and not even care."

"What's wrong with that? Sounds like it would be mind-
blowing sex, if you'd just let go." She's grinning at me and
doing a bump and grind dance in front of the stove.

"I've only known him a week! We are both still grieving
our spouses, Claud. Let's not forget he's my boss." How come she can't seem to understand this?

"Oh, bosses sleep with their employees all of the time. I just
don't get why you're making a big deal out of this. You're lonely, he's lonely, and just do it already."
Casual sex never bothered her and she always made
fun of me for only being with Derek. She even begged me
before I married him to have a fling with a guy we went to
high school with. She wanted me to
make sure I wasn't missing out and she knew I was saving
my virginity for Derek.

"Claud, I've never looked at sex like you do. It's more than
just physical to me, there are lots of emotions and feelings
that have to be there as well and I'll admit, I am crushing over Cash, but I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize
my job."
She shook her head back and forth with an ’I give up’ look
on her face.

"Blah, blah, blah! You act like you're still in high school.
No one is judging you here but yourself. I think you should
go for it, but I forget how much of an ’I'm a good girl that MUST do the
right thing’ you are. Man that sucks too! I think you could
have a lot of fun if you'd just let loose, but hey, it's your
life!" She sticks her tongue out at me, as if we we’re in
grade school and then laughs. "Ok, let’s eat."

Eat we did and there was no more talk of Cash for the rest
of the weekend. We watched movies and had popcorn that night, and had a nice relaxing evening, laughing our butts
off at the comedies we watched. We went to eat lunch
Sunday before I had to get ready to go back to work, but as
always Claudia had to have the last word when I left.

She came up to me, gave me a hug, stuffed
something in my pocket, and said "just in case you get
lucky", smirked and walked away laughing. I looked in
my pocket and it was condoms. I just looked back at her,
rolled my eyes, yelled that she was crazy, and got
into my car and left.

*************

When I got to Cash's, Carmen was in the kitchen cooking dinner for everyone. I got to work a little early, but I wanted
to make sure I got there before the kids got back. I was so
excited to see them and didn't realize how much I had
missed them, until I was on my way to the house.

"Hello Olivia, did you have a good weekend?"

I really like Carmen. She's the kind of person that wears her
heart on her sleeve, but yet you know not to cross her. She's so easy to talk to as well. Of course, I wasn't going to
fill her in on what had been going on between Cash and I,
but I'm sure I could talk to her and she would keep it to
herself.

"It was ok, I guess. I got rested up and I'm ready for the
kids. I'll admit they do wear me out, with all of their energy.
How was yours and Lucas' weekend?" She went from giggling to smiling.

"We went to visit our oldest daughter and had a great visit,
and took our grandkids fishing. We had a really good
weekend."

I had never thought to ask if either of them had kids, much less
grandkids. They seemed to be in their early fifties and
seem so in love with each other, but I never imagined what
their life was outside of their jobs here working for Cash.

"Carmen, that's great! If you don't mind me asking, how
long have you and Lucas been married?"

"Oh, that's ok. You can ask me anything Olivia, and the
answer to your question is 30 years. I love him more than I
did the day I married him. We have 2 girls and a boy and 4
grandkids, and we take turns visiting each one of our kids
on the weekends."

I had wondered if on the weekends they had their own
place to live, since they were here working all week, but it
makes sense not to, because I'm sure to them this is their
home, as long as they've worked here. They just have their
family time with their own children on the weekends.

"That's great, Carmen! My parents have been married 35
years. Not very many couples know how to stay married these days
. I love hearing about a couple that have been
together as long as you two."