Lost and Found (16 page)

When he composed himself, he looked up at Cash and put
his hand out for him to shake his hand. Cash looked at me,
asking me with his eyes what this was about and I just shrugged my shoulders and nodded my head towards Gideon's outstretched hand.

"I just wanted to thank you, Father, for coming up here to
speak to my teacher and principal for me. Have a good day,
Father."

Oh my goodness. If only he felt comfortable around his father, he would have given Cash a hug like he did me.
Instead, he approached him man to man, as if he was all
grown up, thinking that that was what his father expected from him. I'm looking at Cash, wondering what he is going
to say or do and I can tell that he doesn't know either. He clears his throat.

"Gideon, you have a good day as well and any time you
need to tell me anything, you come find me, okay? From now on, I'm here for you and your sister." I believe I'm
going to cry, but so happy I was allowed to witness the
beginnings of a bond from father to son.

Both of them are teary eyed. I look to Lucas to think about
something else and Lucas has his handkerchief out, rubbing
his eyes and he sees me and turns around and walks the
other way.
I look back at the two Kingston men and Gideon quickly
hugs Cash at the waist and then runs to the top of the stairs,
turns around and waves at us with a grin on his face while
walking into the school.

Cash looked over at me with a sorrowful look on his face
and then he sighed and took a few steps forward, turned
around, and extended his hand to me to help me up the
steps.
I took his hand and was thankful for the help. The stairs
didn't look as steep from below, but wearing the heels I had
on, I was having trouble keeping my balance up the stairs.

We read the outside door and Cash looks at me nervously
and said, "Well, here we go." Then he chuckled and I did
to.

We entered through the glass door that said "Principal's
Office" and asked the receptionist if we could see him and
gave her the name of Gideon's teacher, and told her we
wanted to see him as well. She wrote our names down and said to have a seat, that it would be just a few minutes.

A few minutes later, a balding heavy set gentleman walked
into the waiting room and I knew immediately that this was
Gideon's teacher, by the way he was walking. He was
leaning backwards to keep his pants from touching his butt.

I couldn't hold it in and I started to giggle, but I put my hand
over my mouth to stifle it and had to look down, to look at
anything but his teacher and then I felt an arm around my
shoulders. I look over at Cash and he had scooted closer
and leaned towards my ear. I breathe in his cologne,
realizing that I've never been this close to him before and
then I hear his deep husky voice whispering.

"Liv, tell me you did not just laugh at that poor man’s
expense. Can you imagine the pain that he's in right now?
Shame, shame, shame on you, Liv."
I shivered at the nearness of him and hoped he couldn't tell
how he caused my while body to chill and vibrate. Liv?

So I'm Liv now? He raises his head back up, but keeps his
arm around my shoulder and I glance at him and he looks like
he's about to bust a gut himself. This makes me giggle
again, which had him laughing as well.
That was when the principal opened the door from his
office, telling the three of us to come in. We
looked at each other, as if we were both going to get in
trouble for laughing in class and just grinned.

********************

When Cash introduced himself to the principal, I saw Gideon's teacher get a worried look on his face and when he introduced me as Gideon's new nanny, he looked panicked. Good! He needs to be scared.

"Mr. Kingston, it’s so nice to finally meet you. I'm
assuming you're up here,, because of what transpired
yesterday between Gideon and Mr. Marks?" He pointed at
Gideon's teacher.

"As a matter of fact, I am. I would like to sign whatever
form you have to never allow anyone to use corporal
punishment on my son ever again!" Gideon's teacher looks
like he just lost his lunch.

"I will get that form for you right now, Mr. Kingston. But I
must ask, were you not made aware that your son did indeed get paddled yesterday, as punishment before the
fact?" The principal is looking from Cash to the teacher and
Mr. Marks answered the question.

"Mrs. Williamson was the one that agreed to the
punishment, Sir. She has always told me that Mr. Kingston
was too busy with work and was never to be disturbed, so I
always went through her, when I would have a problem
with Gideon." I wouldn't doubt that, but I still believe he has
been bullying Gideon. Cash didn't back down, though.

"Well, it seems to me that Gideon has had a lot of licks the
last couple of years that I was never made aware of, and it
better stop this instant!"
Cash had to take a breath, because I could see that he was
holding his temper in before he continued.

"In the event that an issue arises with Gideon, you call ME
first, Mr. Marks and if you cannot get ahold of me, then you will call Ms. Porter, as she is the new nanny now. As
of yesterday, Mrs. Williamson is no longer in my
employ!" Cash had to catch his breath and he looked at
the principal, and he motioned for him to continue.

“Now, someone give me the form to sign. I don't deny
that Gideon didn't deserve to be punished, but you will
remove the week long detention from his punishment. I believe he has been punished enough as it is, and I believe
he felt that he had his back in the corner and was just
defending himself in the only way he knew how. Are we
clear, Mr. Marks?"

"Yes, Mr. Kingston. I understand." Mr. Marks looked at the
principal and asked if he could go back to his class and he
nodded that yes he could. He then looked at me and Cash.

"I have a feeling that there seems to be more going on than
what I've been told and I do not like the sound of it. If you
would like to open up an investigation into what I believe
you are insinuating, just say the word, Mr. Kingston. In the
meantime, I will pay closer attention to Mr. Marks from
now on, and I will also make sure that Gideon doesn't
receive any unwanted attention."

He pulled the form out for Cash to sign and he stood up
and shook his hand and thanked him, and said he would
think about the investigation, but to hold off for now and we
walked out.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Cash had been really quiet after we left the school and
when I glanced at him a couple of times, he was too still and was staring out the window, leaning so close to the door
that it looked like he would jump out at any second.

I looked into the reflection of the window to try to see if i
could see his face, and I see tears streaming down his
cheeks and a sad look in his eyes. I don't know if I should
say something or just let him be. I can imagine he's in utter
shock, having feelings of regret, trying to get used
to what he's feeling.

That's the problem. He's feeling all kinds of emotions that he has been ignoring. One of them is feeling guilty for
neglecting his kids. I know all about guilt. I reach over and
touch his leg.

"Cash? Are you ok?" He continues staring out the window
and then he turns and looks at me with tear filled eyes.

"I can't do this anymore, Liv." The desperation on his face
makes me want to lean over and hold him and try to take
some of his pain away. But I know that he has to do this on
his own and think through it in his own way.

"I know." And I do. I know exactly what he's going
through, the guilt, the pain, and the uncontrollable grief that
he can't figure out how to rid himself of. He looks up towards the front to talk to Lucas.

"Lucas, can you call the office and tell them that I won't be in today and to reschedule my meetings? Can you also call
Carmen and tell her that we will be awhile? Head to the
beach house, because I need to get some air."

"Yes, sir. Consider it done." He raised the partition window up and it's just Cash and I in the back seat, looking at each
other.

"Did you know that I haven't taken any days off from work
since Vanessa died? Well, let me take that back. I do take
off on the anniversary of her death and get flat out wasted." He is bawling and I'm sensing that this is the
first time he's ever told anyone. He tries to compose
himself and continues. I reach for his hand and hold it between both of mine.

"Last year, I intentionally tried to drive over a cliff, but
something held me back and I stopped the car at the last
possible second. I've often wondered if Vanessa had
somehow gotten a hold of me, or got inside my body and
made me stop. I've never told anyone any of this. I don't
know why I can talk to you so easily."

He leans closer to me and our knees are touching and both of our hands are intertwined on top of the arm rest that is
between us, and he continues.

"Maybe it's because I saw the same look in your eyes the
night ewe met that I see in myself, when I look in the
mirror. You seem different now; even calmer and at
peace. How, Liv? How'd you get to where you are now, in
just a matter of days?"

I feel like he is begging me to give him the answer to how
to end his suffering, and I really have no idea. It didn't come
to me over night, it just happened. It happened when Claudia forced me to look at myself, truly look inside myself, and made me
realize my self-worth and realize that I am important here on earth and that I am here for a reason.
Maybe one of the reasons is for me to be here. Right
now, listening to him and trying to help him to realize what
he DOES have, instead of what he DOESN'T have. By now,
I'm crying too and we are both sitting in the back of the
limo, with tears streaming down our faces.

"Cash, I don't have the answers for you. Where you got
absorbed in your work and shut yourself out from
everyone? I did the opposite. I shut myself out from
everyone too, but I shut down in a different way. I never left
the house, except for going to the cemetery every day,
without telling Claudia and having dinner with her on
Sundays."

I don't know how much I want to tell him. Do I tell him about the kids? Is that too much information, while he's
trying to deal with his own thoughts? I have to reach for a
Kleenex to try to stop my tears from flowing and I felt his
hand at my back, when I leaned up and it comforted me. Here I am trying to comfort him and he's now trying to
comfort me.

"I had so much guilt from the accident that I was dealing with for Derek's and....my children's deaths, because I was the one driving and I.... I couldn't understand why I was spared and they had to die and I couldn't just... die with
them! I was so angry for so long! If it weren't for Claudia, I honestly don't think I would still be here."

He gives me a knowing look and he knows what thoughts I had going through my mind, because he had just told me he
had the same thought, when he tried to end it by driving off of the cliff.

"Boy. Aren't we a pair? The two of us. I have guilt as well, Liv. Tons of guilt that I've been ignoring, regarding
the children. Vanessa would kick my ass if she knew how
I've treated them, or shall I say IGNORED them since she
died!"

He is back in his corner yelling now, with his fists clenched
and this is what I knew was going through his mind and I
just listen to him, because he needs to get this all out, what he's had bottled inside and never acknowledged.

"I don't even know them, my own FLESH AND BLOOD!
They don't even KNOW ME and I'M" he starts poking
himself in the chest, "responsible for that! ME! Not
them! They're innocent in this and you!
You lost your children? I should be down on my knees
THANKING GOD RIGHT NOW THAT MINE ARE
ALIVE!"

I lost it then, because this is what I have been so jealous of him about ever since I met him and it angered me, but I
understood at the same time why he distanced himself from
them.

"All of this time, I've been so lost, because Vanessa was
gone and last night when you did what I SHOULD HAVE
DONE MYSELF, by getting THAT EVIL BITCH
AWAY from my children? That was a kick in the teeth! I
couldn't sleep at all last night, because I was SO
INFURIATED WITH MYSELF AND ASHAMED OF
MYSELF, FOR NOT PROTECTING MY CHILDREN
AND NOT KNOWING THAT THEY WERE BEING SO MISTREATED!"

"Oh, Cash. I'm so sorry I told you the way that I did.” I couldn't stand it anymore. I pushed the armrest up and crawled over to him and pulled him into my arms, as he
wrapped his arms around me and we both got lost in our
own grief of unshed tears that cannot seem to stop. Cash for
Vanessa and how he's treated his children, me for Derek
and the kids and for Cash and his kids. We stayed that way
for quite a while, until our tears subsided, continuing to
just hold each other.

I had forgotten what a hug felt like from a man and it felt so
good to be held by one. The last hug I had from a man was
from my father when he came to visit a year ago, and this
didn't even come close to a comparison. Derek and I
seemed to fit perfectly when we hugged, and I had always
felt safe and warm in his arms.

Hugging Cash seemed so much more than that. It was comforting and so strong that I could feel it all the way
through to my bones. One of his arms wrapped around my
waist and his other around the other side of my waist, with
his hand under my neck, caressing the back of my neck at
my hairline. I have one arm around his waist and my other arm over his shoulder, and my fingers running through his
hair. I have never been held so tight in my life.

Our heads are resting on each other’s shoulders and I'm
squeezing tighter, and Cash starts squeezing tighter. I start nuzzling his neck and inhaling his cologne, while
running my fingers through his hair, as he is rubbing his
hand up and down my rib cage, while his other hand is
starting to rub down the other side of my neck and I am
feeling things that I haven't felt in a long time. Want. Need.
Comfort. Lust!

He starts nuzzling my neck and his hot breath is
intoxicating me, as he pulls his head up and looks into my
eyes. I see the same want and desire in his deep blue
eyes that are looking into mine with such intensity.

"Oh, Liv. Please forgive me, but I've wanted to do this ever
since I saw you in your robe this morning."

He leans his face closer to mine with his lips close to mine
and I knew he was going to kiss me, because he looked up
at me again with a questioning look. He looks at my mouth,
and I close the gap and press my lips against his, softly at
first, beckoning him to part his lips and he does and our tongues start doing a
sweet dance together, as we are holding each other tighter
with our hands roaming up and down each other’s bodies.
He is such a great kisser. The only comparison I have is
Derek, but there is so much passion in this one kiss that I
want more and can't seem to get enough of him.

The limo comes to a complete stop and Lucas knocks on
the partition, telling us that we had arrived and we break
apart, wanting more, but realizing that we shouldn't.
There is an awkward moment and I'm trying to figure out
how we went from sharing our emotions to me attacking
him and hugging him, because I couldn't bear to hear his
anguish any longer to kissing.

I'm looking at him to get his
reaction from everything and to see if he is ok with what
just happened and he smiles at me and opens the door,
gets out, and then leans his hand in.

"Come on, Liv. Let’s take a walk on the beach." He doesn't
seem to be upset, so I grab his hand to let him help pull me out of the limo, as we head for the beach.

******************

We are walking along the beach barefoot, splashing water at
each other every now and then and just breathing in the sea
air. Neither of us has mentioned what happened in the limo
and he seems like he wants to talk, but not sure how to start, so I wait patiently for whatever it is he needs to say.

"I know you haven't spent much time with them, but you
have spent more time with them than I have I'm afraid to
admit, but what can you tell me about my children?" He
squints his eyes at me and seems a little nervous and
childlike.

"Well, you were right about Gideon, he is quite
mischievous, but in a good way. He's very smart and very opinionated and also so loving. I had always defended my
own children when needed and they always worshipped me
like I was a super hero or something, but when I stood up to
that mean old woman for him and Gideon, not even
knowing who I was for that matter, I will never forget what
he did. I can laugh about it now, but I sure couldn't in
front of him."

"What'd he do?" He looked up at me with a crooked grin on his face, exactly how Gideon would have looked at me.

"I was standing between them, after I stopped her from slapping him and when I told her to feel free to leave, he crossed his arms across his chest and gave her a "what are
you going to do about that?" look and smirked at her."

He laughed, but not a big belly laugh. I knew he was
processing how much he had missed of them growing up. I
continued, though, because I wanted him to know.

"Eden is so sweet and so beautiful, Cash. My heart melts
every time she looks at me with her big soulful deep brown
eyes, or says my name. She calls me Owibia. She is so
affectionate and has turned into my little shadow and
follows me everywhere." My description of her has his
eyes filling with tears that start falling down his cheeks.

"She's the one that I feel I have treated worse than anyone.
I’ve always felt like if we hadn't had gotten pregnant with her, Vanessa would still be here. I was content with just
having Gideon, but Vanessa wanted to try for a girl. My
mother is all the time on my case about how I try to pretend she doesn't exist and that's not true." He starts pacing while
he's talking.

"I sometimes sneak in and watch her sleeping and Gideon
too. I ache to pick them up and cuddle with them and tell
them how much I love them and then I realize what a mess
I am, and how they would be so much better off if I would just disappear and let my parents raise them."

"Cash, I know you regret shutting down and hiding in your
grief, but you have an opportunity here to change the ways
things are. You've already made the first step, by going to
the school and standing up for Gideon. Couldn't you tell
how happy he was? Couldn't you feel the love that he has
for you?" He's nodding his head, as more tears fall.

"Yes, I could, which made me feel even more ashamed of myself for how I've treated him these last five years.” He
looks up at his house that is directly behind us.

"Did you know that Vanessa made me buy this house? She
loved the castle, but thought it was a bit much. She loved the ocean, and loved coming out here on the weekends and most of the summers, because it felt more like what she was
used to. No cooks or maids or drivers; just us two and
Gideon. He learned how to walk right here on this
beach."

He's looking around, still silently crying, but remembering
how things used to be and smiles occasionally. I leave him
alone with his thoughts and start drawing little lines in the
sand with a stick I had picked up.
He needs to remember and remember the good times,
because he's been so lost in his own darkness for so long. I
know, because I'm still crawling my way out, but it’s getting
easier every day.

I look around and it seems so peaceful here, and I can
picture the three of them walking along the beach hand in
hand, with Gideon in between them. I visualize watching
him falling down and picking himself up with sand all over
his body.

I look at him and he has his eyes closed with his face
towards the sun, smiling and I imagine he's thinking the
same things. Playing the ‘what if’ game in his head that I've
played myself a thousand times. The problem with that
game is it never ends and will cause you to spiral out of
control, if you don't quit playing it.

I've learned that the only game that works that you can win
at is the ‘what IS’ game. The here and now, but you have to
decide if you want to be present for it and you have to
decide which fork to take in the road, when you've reached
the end of it. The one that takes you and leaves you in the
past, remembering the good, but mostly bad, or the one that
leads you to your future and to new adventures, new
memories and a new, but different life.

While I'm deep in thought, I smell him first and then feel the magnetic pull that I feel every time he's near me,
and I know that he is standing behind me. I turn around and
he seems to be in such anguish, and looks as if he's barely
able to stand much longer and then he drops to his knees
and sobs.