Lost and Found (19 page)

"I would say so. He said that he said something to you that
you took the wrong way. He didn't tell me what it was, but
he did say, and I'm quoting here," "I messed up Claud and I
think I hurt her because of something I said, and she took it
the wrong way. Please tell her I'm sorry." When I asked
what he said, he wouldn't tell me. Said he was too
embarrassed to repeat it. So, the suspense is killing me!
What'd he say?" She giggled and gave me a light slap on my leg, trying to get me to loosen up. I might as well just
get it over with and tell her.

"He asked me to spend the weekend with him and said he'd pay me extra for it. It pissed me off, so I told him that I
wasn't a whore and I left!" The way I said it had me
cracking up, and both of us were dying laughing.

"He said what? What the hell has been going on at that
house for him to ask you that?" I know my face had turned
red, because I immediately looked guilty and she slapped
me on the leg.

"Oh my God, Olivia! You didn't! Woo freaking hoo!
Olivia! Olivia! You still got it. Yes, you do. I told ya,
you had it! You never dreamed it, but you did it!"

She is actually standing up in the only open spot in the
living room doing a cheer. Moves and all, jumping up and
down, and it took me back to high school. She was always
the captain of her cheer squad, because she could dance her
ass off and she was awesome at it.

"First off! I didn't! Secondly, I'm all over the place. A lot
has happened in a week’s time. This living life crap is for the birds. I forgot how much life is a roller coaster of
emotions. I am absolutely worn out from everything that's
happened this week."
I am mentally and physically exhausted, is what I am.
Claudia comes to sit down next to me and puts her hand on
my leg.

"So, you guys kissed then. How WAS kissing the Greek
God? Give me details! How many times? Did you make
out like horny teens? Come on, O! Talk! Do I have to do
another cheer? Because you know I will!"

Oh God, I love her. She had me giggling. She wasn't
going to leave me alone until I told her everything, so I told her everything from beginning to end, while eating take out that she ordered, while drinking a couple of bottles of wine.
Yes, I said bottles.

It was fun having girl talk. I was afraid she would judge me,
because of Derek being her brother. Here I am carrying on
with my boss and she told me I was crazy and that she never expected me to live like a nun. She was happy for
both of us and was hoping that it turned into something. I told her she was crazy, because we both still had way too
many issues that we were dealing with.

I went to bed drunk from the wine and I thought about
calling him to tell him that I would accept his apology, but
when I saw how late it was, I didn't and went to bed. I never
opened the cards, because I just didn't want to think about
what they said and couldn't fathom seeing all of the
apologies written down over and over. So, I decided to wait
for when I got up in the morning.

As I am trying to fall asleep, the only thing that keeps going
through my mind is that I need to quit my job. I need to
quit my job.

*****************

I get woken up by Claudia shaking me and almost pulling
me out of the bed.

"Olivia! Wake up! Cash is here! He's in the living room
and he brought breakfast. GET UP!"

"What? Cash is here? Why'd you let him in?" I'm in
shock. What the hell is he doing here?

"Seriously? Did you think I was going to tell him to leave?
I've known him forever! I'm not going to be rude to him,
just because you two had a tiff!" I stand up to start
changing my clothes and the room starts spinning.

"Oh my lord! I'm still drunk! What time is it?" I look
over at my night stand and the alarm clock says 7:00. I look
from the clock to Claudia.

"Are you freaking kidding me? Is the sun even up yet?"
She shakes her head no.

"Just hurry up. I'll go talk to him, while you're changing."

.
"Alright, just get out of here.”

I shoo her out. What in the world is he doing here and why
so early? I pull a long sleeved shirt over my tank top,
take my short shorts off, grab some sweats out of the
drawer, throw them on, and run to the bathroom. I'm still
woozy from the wine, but I'll just have to deal with that later.

I walk out of the bathroom and down the obstacle course
that used to be a hallway, and turn around and stop in my tracks at what I see. He does in fact look like a Greek God,
surrounded by all of the lavender in the room, as he towers
over Claudia.

He senses that I've come into the room and he turns around
to look at me and my heart drops. He looks exactly how I
feel. Like shit! He has circles under his eyes and it
doesn't look like he got any sleep at all.

Claudia pats him on the shoulder and walks toward me and
as she passes by me, she whispers "go easy on him, O." and
keeps walking to her bedroom.

He quickly walks up to me and swoops me in his arms,
leans down, and whispers in my ear, "I'm so sorry, Liv. I
didn't mean to disrespect you like that, and it wasn't my
intention at all." I just hugged him back. I open my eyes
and look at all of the plants everywhere and realize that no
one has ever gone to such great lengths like he has done to
apologize to me ever.

When Derek and I would get into an argument, he would
always expect me to side with him and get over it if I didn't
like it. He was always right and I was always wrong and I
just learned to accept it.
He had never even gotten me flowers after we were married,
except for once on one of our anniversaries, because I kept
hinting around about it. He didn't have them sent and get
romantic about it either. He just came home from work that
weekend and said here ya go, happy anniversary. That was
it!
There had to be at least 100 different bouquets and plants in
this house.

I looked up at Cash and he looked like a wounded animal,
worse than that. He had that same haunting look on his face
that I saw at the cemetery.

"Come on Cash, let’s sit down." I led him to the couch,
sat down next to me, leaned over, grabbed my
hand that was closest to him, and entwined our fingers
together.

"I see you got my flowers." He was grinning at me guiltily,
like he might have gone overboard. "How come you didn't
open the cards, Liv?"

"I couldn’t imagine there being 100 different ways to
apologize and I just couldn't bring myself to read them last
night, so I was going to wait until today after I'd calmed
down and processed everything."

He nodded his head and started running little circles around
my palm with his thumb. Just doing that to me had my
temperature rising. This is what I'm scared of. It just seems
way too quick to feel this way.

"103, actually." Wait. What? Did I miss something? It
amazes me at how he distracts me with just with one finger.

"What? 103 what?"

"103 different plants, flower sprays, bouquets, cards with
each one. I think I called 20 flower shops and told every
one of them to send whatever they had with lavender here."
103? Good God! Excessive much?

"I'm sure the house is going to smell great for a couple of
months! You sure know how to make a statement! How
you had it all delivered before I got home, I'll never know."
He still has a hold of my hand, but now has his arm
around my shoulder and is running circles around my neck,
giving me goose bumps all over my body.

"You'd be amazed at what you can get done when you add
money to the mix, but I had to let you know how sorry I
was."
Yeah, I heard that loud and clear.

"But Liv, I really am sorry and maybe we’re moving too
fast. It's just that..."

Oh, I don't think I want to hear this. His eyes are filling with
tears and just when I think I'm done crying and can't cry anymore, here they come again.

"I've been in hell for so long and I feel like you pulled me
out of it, and it's like every nerve in my body had shut down
and... you've shown me where I've screwed up with the kids.
They're responding to me quicker than I imagined and
they're just craving for my attention, but you're who I
feel drawn to, to share my joy with, because I don't think I
would be where I am today if it weren't for you, Liv."

I do believe him, because we share the same bond of guilt,
but in different ways. I feel like we are kindred spirits in a
way.
He leans in closer to me and all I want to do is kiss him.
This is when I get scared, because of the way he makes me
feel inside. It's a feeling I've never felt before and it makes
me question too much of myself. I look at him and he's not
through with whatever it is he wants to say.

"I'm not going to deny that you have also awakened other
wants and needs in my body that I thought were gone
forever, and I think you feel it too. Don't you? I feel like I
have...we have a second chance at something that could...
that could develop into something."

"But Cash, we are both trying to find our places in life
right now. I feel so overwhelmed by, by this whole week!
I've only just recently started moving forward with my life, instead of
curling up in a ball under my covers with a box of
tissues next to my bed. It's been what? 2 days for you?
You've been where I have been for the last year and a half, for 5 years and in 2 days. One week and we're what? Healed from
all of the tragedy from our lives?"
The look on his face tells me that he knows I'm right.

"I still miss Vanessa, Liv. I always will, but it doesn't hurt
as much today and I see what you're saying, but you still
haven't answered my question."

"What question is that?" He lets go of my hand, leans
closer to me, and caresses my cheek and I close my eyes, leaning into his touch.

"That... That question. You feel it too... that magnetic
pull. How come you can't admit it, Liv?"

He's so close to me the goose bumps are back. I know if I
let go, I could completely lose control of myself. I decide to
be honest with him.

"Because I'm scared to death of how you make me feel.
Just being near you makes me crave something I don't think
I've ever had. It makes me question my marriage, how I felt
about Derek, and I feel like I'm betraying him, because he
never made me feel the way that I feel when you just walk into the same room that I'm in, or the smell of your cologne
that takes my breath away. And if that's how I feel by just a
few kisses, the idea of anything more absolutely terrifies
me!"

This is the truth that I've been so scared to admit to myself, and it's why I secretly wanted to turn around and jump into
his arms after he told me that he didn't mean it how he said
it.

"So, that's why you wouldn't look at the cards or answer the
phone, when I called you after you ran from my house?"

I couldn't say anything, so I just nodded my head and he
slowly moved away from me, and I felt so disconnected
from him and felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

"What do you want me to do, Olivia? Are you still going to
be the children's nanny? Do you want to just go back to
being strictly professional? I'm the boss and you're the
employee? I'll do whatever you want. I don't want you to
quit, because the children absolutely adore you and they've
gone through so much because of me, and I wouldn't be able
to bear seeing them miserable again. Just tell me what
YOU want."