Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1) (16 page)

Alice

“Don’t go,” the words bubble in my chest and out of my mouth. My voice is meek, barely audible but I know he heard me since he’s stopped moving and stands in front of the door, frozen.

“Hudson,” his name falls from my lips. I want to wrap my arms around him, to beg him to stay. But I don’t. I can’t. “Please, don’t go.”

 My pleas are joined with fresh tears and my body begins to tremble. I reach for the arm of the couch beside me, needing the extra support to remain upright. My other hand wipes at the wetness on my cheeks and I peek up at him from under my lashes. He’s still frozen in the doorway, his back to me.

After a lifetime, he turns finally and my heart skips a beat. His eyes glisten with unshed tears and for a moment I stand dazed by the sight of him. His anger is gone, fully dissipated. Replacing it is a longing, an unspoken hope.

“Tell me it wasn’t my imagination,” his is voice thick with emotion, his eyes search my own.

“Hudson,” I repeat, feeling a surge of courage. I take a step towards him. He closes his eyes, his breath catches in his chest. Seeing him this way, so affected by the sound of my voice, I’m not sure what to do. I want to make this right, to show him I’m not the lost little girl he thinks I am.

“Say it again,” his voice still thick, his hands flex, sporadically, in and out making a fist. If I didn’t know how any better, I would have thought he felt the same nervous energy I felt. Maybe this wasn’t real. Maybe it was a dream and we’d wake up at any moment. He opens his eyes focusing onto my face, carefully taking measure of my reaction. My nerves turn into steel.

“Don’t go,” I wish I could say more but my mind and my mouth fail me, trapping me in a loop like a broken record.

“My name, precious. Say my name,” he breathes in deeply and steps toward me. I’m stunned by his smoldering eyes. He sets fire to my skin with his stare.

“Hudson,” I whisper softly. His body shivers as his name slips past my lips.

“Louder,” he commands, taking another step forward, stalking me like a predator after its prey. Each slow step is agony.

“Hudson,” my voice is louder and more confident, my body grows warmer, filling me with anticipation.

“Again.”

“Hudson,” I breathe, loving the way his name naturally rolls off my tongue. His large body stops inches from mine and electricity crackles between us.

His hand reaches for my hip, pulling me into him. I tremble, finding the heat of his body hypnotic. My arms wind around his waist and I look up at him, my breath caught in my chest. He lifts his other hand to my cheek and caresses it.

“Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say my name?” His fingers touch under my chin, lifting my face higher still. “Almost as long as I’ve wanted to do this.”

Hudson’s lips touch mine before I can blink and it’s blissful. His lips are soft but they demand a response. I lift up onto my toes, pressing more firmly into him, giving it to him. I’ve never been kissed like this but then I’ve never wanted to be kissed this badly before.

My mouth moves against his, opening to his demand. He controls the intensity, licking and nipping at my lips before plunging his tongue into my mouth, invading my senses completely. I lean into him, as my body tingles with need, seeking pleasure in his lips.

I moan into his mouth, electricity tingles throughout my limbs, setting every nerve into overdrive. My thighs tighten as the tingling intensifies at my core.

Oh my God...never felt anything like this
, my mind screams and my body shudders. I resist the urge to wrap my legs around him and lose myself completely to him. He’s the first man to ever make me feel how I thought a woman should feel when being kissed. It was life changing.

Suddenly, as if someone opened the gates of hell, my body is blasted with heat. Not a good heat either. More like skin melting off the body
heat.

I felt like I was burning from the inside out. It started at the top of my head and radiated to the tips of my toes, in waves, each one more painful than the next. Something’s wrong and my instinct is to push away but I’m wrapped tightly in his arms.

I whimper as the pain intensifies, panic wells up, threatening to overpower me.

His body stiffens at the sound, allowing me the moment I need to break the kiss. Pushing against his chest, desperate for space, I gasp for breath. The heat of his body is
too
close and
too
much. A bead of sweat drips down my back, pooling at the waistband of my pants. I try to step back but the hardness of a wall at my back prevents me from moving. I don’t remember moving from the spot he started kissing me at.

Sensing my unease, Hudson releases me and takes a few steps back. He drops his hands to his sides, lust and need still riddled in his eyes. His brows knitted with concern.  

“I’m sorry,” his voice is hoarse. He rakes his fingers through his dark locks and swallows hard. He struggles to reign himself in. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why?” I ask softly, my breathing labored. I lift my fingers to my swollen lips, panic swells in my throat. “Did I do something wrong?”

“What? No, why would you think that?” He asks and takes another step back. I inhale slowing, fear replacing the panic I had felt only seconds ago. I can’t help thinking he is going to turn and walk out of the room, that I’ve done something to push him away. I hate this feeling and I will do whatever it takes to keep him here with me, to make these feelings go away. Pushing out my breath slow again, I allow myself a moment to harden, to prepare for his criticisms.

“I’ll do better next time,” my body trembles. My conditioning is beginning to take control of my body and mind. I
want
to kiss him, to
please
him but my wants don’t matter. He has to tell me what makes him happy, how I can please him. So, I don’t fight the natural urge to ask him for instruction. “Tell me what you want, I promise to do better.”

He gasps, his eyes narrow on to me and they’re filled with disbelief. I was used to this kind of reaction, most men liked to act surprised when I became obedient. It was a game to them and they got off on it. I bow my head and clasp my hands in front of me, waiting for his instructions.

“Alice, look at me,” he speaks with an unease in his voice. I’m not supposed to look up at him until I know what makes him happy, but I lift my face anyways, keeping my eyes down cast. If I’m honest, I want to look up at him, meet his gaze head on but part of me is afraid to see what he thinks of obedient Alice. “Look at me.”

His voice is harsher. I don’t move.

“Precious, look at me,” he says it, the nickname I’ve come to adore. Finding the courage in the name, I lift my eyes, my uncertainty still there within me. I hold my breath, hoping this wasn’t a trick I’d be punished for later. He steps toward me, stopping inches away.

“Alice,” his voice, now a whisper, is laced with gentleness. He leans into me. I struggle to remain still, the heat from his body no longer a threat. Wanting to lean into him too, my eyes flutter up to meet the intensity of his blue ones.

Holy.

Shit.

“I want to please you....I
desperately
want to please you Hudson,” I croak, a single tear slips down my cheek. I bite my lower lip trying to keep myself from spilling more of them. I feel like I might die if he doesn’t tell me, if he doesn’t touch me. He swallows hard, struggling to keep himself under control. Does he like obedient Alice?

He reaches up. His large hand covers my cheek, brushing away the stray tear with his callused thumb. His mouth finally opens, ready to speak. I can’t help the giddy rush of emotions I feel knowing this was it, he was going to tell me what I needed to do please him and we would finally get back to the kissing. But he says nothing. Instead he stands there for a few moments, searching my face.

“You do please me, precious,” his words hit me in the chest, knocking the breath out of me.

Wait, what?
A frustrated sob rips from my chest. I feel like I’ve failed and failure was not an option. Was this some kind of game to him? Why won’t he tell me? I thought he liked me. I thought he wanted me.

Hudson takes me into his arms, carefully picking me up. He carries me over to the couch and he sits. I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his neck, breathing in his scent.

Hudson

I held her until she stopped sobbing because I didn’t know what else to do. Crying women were not my cup of tea but kissing them, well, I was an expert in that department.

I’ve dreamt about kissing Alice’s sweet pouty lips for days. I wasn’t a fool though, I knew better than to try anything on her, the girl barely trusted me. I’m not the kind of man to push anything on a woman, even an innocent kiss. But damn, when she said my name, I couldn’t help it. Although there was nothing innocent about the kiss we shared. It was an out of this world experience, one I’ll never forget.

All I can think about is whether it pushed her too close to the edge. One moment we’re having an amazing kiss and the next she’s sobbing uncontrollably, begging to please me and I’m left completely confused and unsure of what to do or say.

“Why did you stop,” she asks, peeking out from my neck, her voice meek and unsure. It’s like music to my ears, more melodic than I imagined but still it is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.

“Stop what?”

“K-kissing me,” she lifts her hand and pushes her dark brown hair out of her face. I frown.

“I didn’t.”

“You did,” her forehead puckers. “You pushed me away. I thought I did something wrong.”

My brain suddenly feels more muddled and confused than it already was.

“
You
pushed me away,” I correct her. I can see the moment replaying in her face. She doesn’t know what to believe. “You stopped kissing me.”

“I’m confused,” she swallows hard.

“You’re not the only one,” I admit trying to make sense of it all. At this point I don’t even know if she enjoyed what happened between us. “Did you like it?”

She casts her eyes down and blushes. I can’t help the sliver of joy I feel inside, she enjoyed the kiss.

“How did it make you feel?”

“I don’t know,” her face flushes.

“Have you ever felt anything like it before?” she shrugs. The need to know everything suddenly surges through me. “You’ve never felt anything like it before, have you?”

“No, I thought I was doing something wrong,” she explains.

Holy shit.

“You weren’t doing anything wrong,” I reassure her but still something wasn’t right. It wasn’t because she ended the kiss or the fact she believes I ended it. Her physical reaction to it changed at the end. Instead of moaning for pleasure, she groaned in pain. “What did you feel?”

 ”It doesn’t matter what I felt,” she responds finally looking up at me. Her eyes are just as confused as my head. Her once smiling face is pale and void of all emotion.

“Why doesn’t it matter, Alice?” I don’t want to twist the moment any further but my gut screamed to ask her why. We were up against something dangerous and since she wasn’t of mind to find out, I needed to do it for her.

“Sex is for men, not women,” she says, her voice robotic and devoid of all feeling. “Women are put on the earth for the pleasure of men and when it’s time, bear them children.”

I’m literally speechless when she finishes. I don’t know what to say and I really need something to say in response. She isn’t looking at me again and quite frankly I’m glad she isn’t. I would hate for her to see the thoughts rolling across my face.

Does she really believe this?

“You’re kidding right?”

She shakes her head. Her fingers start to twitch to the rhythm in her head.

Son of a bitch!

This is
him
, speaking through her
.
This is his doing—his conditioning
.
He fucked with her head and
mad
e her believe this. My stomach drops, I can taste the tang of bile as it rises up in my throat.

Enough was enough.

“Alice, look at me,” I command. She does without hesitation. I search her eyes and there are no words for what I see. The woman staring back at me isn’t Alice, at least not the Alice I know. She’s his girl, the one he broke, the one he pieced back together in his image. I lift my hand to her cheek wanting to bring her back. My brain is works overtime trying to figure out what words I need to use to bring
my
Alice back.

My Alice.

When did that happen?

“Precious, where are you?” I whisper, stroking her cheek with my thumb. She looks at me with absolute trust and it scares me. I can’t help where my mind goes. She looks so young, so innocent. How many had taken advantage of her in this state? How has she survived for so long?

“I’m right here,” she says with a smile, one that makes my stomach turn.

“No, you’re
his
Alice right now,” I know I sound cold and disgusted, which honestly is how I feel. I don’t try to hide it from her. She flinches as my words hit their target. She leans back and shakes her head. I can see the fog slowly lift from her dazed expression. Her eyes meet mine and I can physically see her transform back into the woman I’ve come to know. I can’t help but admire how quickly she regains composure.

Yes,
my
Alice is back.

“What did he do to me?” her voice wavers and she stares down at her hands. I reach for them, lacing our fingers together. “He...he broke me, didn’t he?”

“No,” I tell her confidently. “He didn’t break you,” I hold her tightly against me. “Broken means destroyed and you baby, are far from destroyed.”

“How did I let this happen?” She says asks herself.

“You weren’t given a choice.”

She shakes her head in disagreement.

“They tried to warn me but I didn’t listen. I should have listened. I walked away from everyone, for him. I chose him.”

I pull her face to mine, “You didn’t choose to be abuse.”

“I married him,” she stands up and I follow, I need to keep her close to me. “I
fucking married
him,” self loathing rolls off of her in waves. Her pain hits me deep inside. I want to take this away from her but I don’t know how. How could I? I didn’t even know how to deal with my own shit.

“I knew,” she whispers and the words send chills down my spine. She was on the verge of giving it all to me, I could tell and instead of turning away I reached for her. Pressing her back to my front, I snake an arm around her. “There was a rumor about him, liking things...rough. A close friend of mine had a coworker who’d gone out with him. It wasn’t pretty. Two black eyes, a busted jaw and a few cracked ribs. She didn’t press charges, so I didn’t think it was what they said it was. We were together for almost a year. He never hurt me. He never raised his voice at me, we hardly ever fought. I was a virgin when I met him and he never pressured me for sex. He did everything a decent and good man would do.”

“Monsters hide in plain sight. You never know they’re there until it’s too late,” I tell her but she doesn’t hear me.

“I knew the wedding wasn’t real,” she stiffens against me. I frown, of course she knew, I told her as much. She gazes ahead of her, staring at nothing. It was almost like she was watching the memory play out before her. “He told me one night, during a particularly intense session. I asked him how he could do such cruel things to the woman he supposedly loved, the woman he made his wife. He laughed at me, pressed me into the wall by the throat, cutting off my air. Right before I blacked out, he released me from his hold and I crumbled to the floor gasping for breath. He found my desperation to understand him amusing and so he told me everything. The pleasure he got from telling me was sickening.”

I felt like punching a hole in the wall while picturing his face but I don’t move. Keeping her close, keeping her grounded to me, was for both our benefit. I wanted her to give it all to me. So I pressed her for it.

“When did it start?”

“Physically the night of our honeymoon, he slapped me. I was going to leave but he begged me to stay, promised me the world and I believed him. He hit me again the following evening. His fist closed this time, knocking me out. When I woke up, it was too late. He’d taken my purse, my phone, and my keys. He locked me in our bedroom. There was no way out,” I pressed my lips against her shoulder, breathing her in. She was lost in her words but her body relaxed further into mine with each one spoken. “He came into the room a few hours later. His face was twisted, unrecognizable, monstrous even. I begged him to let me go. He wouldn’t. When he grew tired of my pleading, he looked at me, smiled real big and said ‘Darlin’, you aren’t going anywhere, ever again.’ He crossed the room and stuck me with a needle. The next time I woke I was in strange house, one I’d never been to before. The rest is history.”

She turns in my arms and pushes against my chest, “No, stop. I can’t...there are things…if you knew what I did you wouldn’t even want to look at me.”

“Not true,” I tighten my hold on her just to prove her wrong. I open my mouth to speak but she beats me to it.

“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Hudson, really I do but this,” she frowns, searching for the words. “This thing between us, it can never be.”

“Because
he
won’t let you?” I ask challenging her. She still didn’t understand how much he was holding her back. She’d taken great strides tonight but my gut told me to keep pushing.

“Because I’m not good enough,” she says forcefully, pushing me back. I was right, another nasty trick from dear Erik. Of course she’s good enough, more than. At that’s where the problem really lies. She was too good for me.

“Says who?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, it does.”

“Why?”

Something inside of me finally snaps and I’m done holding back
.
I need her in my arms when I say the words. I need to her to feel my heart against hers. I move fast, faster than she expects, scooping her up into my arms, lifting her eye level with me. I stare into her doe-eyes dead on and lay it on her.

“Because I’m the one who isn’t good enough. Not you. It’s the other way around. You are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. The courage in your eyes, even now, is absolutely breathtaking. The strength in your body, the warmth in your soul, after six years of hell. Fuck, baby, I’m not worthy of you.”

*****

Alice

I don’t believe him. I
can’t
. I won’t
.
Didn’t he hear what I said? Any of it
?
I
chose
the monster. I
chose
Erik. Therefore, I’m not worth his time.

“Yes, I heard every word but you’re still wrong. You didn’t deserve any of it. That’s him, right there, in your head,” he says softly. I cringe realizing I’d spoken my thoughts out loud. I haven’t spoken in years and now I don’t seem to have an off switch.

“I like hearing you talk, even if it’s bullshit coming out of your mouth,” he grins. Crap, another slip.

“Put me down please.”

“I don’t want to. I like feeling you close to me,” his grin grows bigger, if at all possible.

“Hudson, please,” I’m on the verge of tears. “I’m tired.”

His words hit me in the chest, directly in the heart. His intentions I’m sure but this entire night has been a whirlwind. Everything is backwards. How can he believe he isn’t worthy of me?

“We can sleep when we’re dead.”

“My throat hurts,” I whisper truthfully. I hadn’t spoken in so long, I was sure I’d forgotten how to do it. It was a shock to discover the mechanics of it still worked. I was also desperate for space but I didn’t know how to tell him that. I need time to process what has happened.

He lets me go and I slide down the length of his body. For a brief moment I allow myself to feel him pressed close against me, to enjoy his hard chest under my palms, to absorb the warmth of his body. I allow myself a moment to pretend this is the start of us, something beautiful and something pure, untainted by our pasts. I let him be Hudson and I let myself be the girl who’s falling in love with him.

I step away from him after my allotted moment and immediately begin to miss him.

“Goodnight Hudson.”

“Get some rest,” he tells me. I nod, quietly padding my way to the bedroom.

It was too much. All of it.

I saw what Hudson wanted me to see. I may not be trapped in the closet under the stairs but Erik still controlled me. I was still his puppet.