Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1) (17 page)

Hudson

Her screams wake me from a dead sleep. I jump out of my chair and move towards the bedroom. Something was wrong.

Alice.

I was moving faster than anticipated. So, when I twisted the knob and pushed and the door open, it didn’t budge, causing me to smash face first into it.  

“Son of a b--” I howl, seeing stars. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I check to see if it’s busted. The door opens with a whoosh and a small mass of woman slams into me knocking me down onto my ass. I reach for her, tucking her to my front, softening her fall.

Alice.

“What the--” she sits up and pushes her dark hair out of her sleep riddled face. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” I chuckle, the throbbing in my nose subsiding.

“No you’re not, you’re bleeding,” she stands and offers her hand. I take it, using the moment to pull her into me. I need to feel her near. She tries to pull away but I refuse to let go. She shoots me a look and rolls her eyes, yanking away from me this time. I follow her to the bathroom, trying to ignore the sway of her ass as we go. She motions for me to set while she wets a washcloth.

“I’m fine,” I repeat, with what I hope looks like a smile. I’m not entirely sure what she sees but I know my voice wavers, thoughts of her ass in my hands puts me on edge. She presses a cool wet cloth to my nose, pulling my thoughts away from less than chivalrous things. She furrows her brow concentrating on my wound. She doesn’t like seeing me hurt. “It doesn’t hurt.”

“You smashed into the door pretty hard,” she looks at me guarded.

“Not going to lie, that didn’t feel good,” I smirk.

“What were you doing?” She rinses the washcloth again. I know there wasn’t much to clean up but she keeps her hands busy hanging the cloth to dry. She turns to me, cocks her hip out and waits.

Her hair’s a mess, like usual, but its new length gives her the sex hair effect. The sight causes my dick to spring to life. I shift trying to hide my growing attraction. She’s wearing a pair of shorts and a white tank that leaves
nothing
to the imagination. Damn, she looked good on our date, all glammed up, but this was a whole different level. She looks sexy as fuck right now.

“I was coming in to check on you,” I explain, trying not to picture her looking any better than this moment with swollen lips, flushed skin and liquid eyes. She rolls her eyes and places her hands on her hips, pushing her chest out.
Fuck, don’t do that!
My cock twitches and my mouth flounders to speak. “You were screaming.”

I regret my words as her demeanor immediately changes. I’ve heard every nightmare she’s had, even the small ones, since she’s been with me. This one was different though. She’s never screamed like that before. I never said anything to her about them because I didn’t want to cross a line. I even warned Missy the night she stayed with her. Whatever these nightmares were about, I knew it had to do with her time as Erik’s captive.

“I’m okay,” she breaks the silence, peeking up at me from underneath her lashes.
Fuck!
I loved when she did that.

“You can talk to me, precious,” I catch her hand with my mine, lacing our fingers. She nods, her eyes are on me but her thoughts are somewhere else.

*****

Alice

I
want
to tell him. Everything. All of it. But I’m not ready to see the disgust in his eyes when he looks at me. I know it will be there.

“They’re nightmares, aren’t they?”

I nod, unable to find my voice. I need to talk about them, to get them out, but they would change everything.

Shit!

“Do you have them often?” he asks and I look up at him. He sees the worry in my face and stands, lifting me up into his arms. He carries me to the living room, settling us onto the couch. I curl into him.

“I haven’t had them like that since coming here with you,” I watch my finger run along his chest, tracing random shapes into his skin. His arms tighten around me, grounding me to him. “You woke me before...it got too bad,” it was only a partial lie, he did wake me but not before things got bad. I didn’t want to tell him though. He’d ask questions I wasn’t ready to answer. If he knew what my dreams were filled of, surely I’d lose him.

Can’t lose what isn’t yours to begin with
, my heart aches from the truth in those words. He wasn’t mine and he never would be. As much as I want him, I can’t put him through the shit storm that is my life. He deserved so much more than I could give him. It’s bad enough he’s as involved as he is now.
If Erik ever found out about him
, no, I couldn’t think like that. I knew how to deal with Erik and I would do whatever needed doing to keep Hudson safe from him.

“Are you okay?” He asks, interrupting my thoughts. One of his hands rest on my hip, the other on my knee, caressing it with his fingers, I like feeling them on me. I nod, taking in a deep breath. “I’ve got a great cure for bad dreams.”

He stands and carries me into the kitchen, setting me down on a bar stool. I frown up at him and he smirks, “Do you like chocolate?”

My frown disappears instantly, as I lift a hand to stifle a giggle.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he says and turns to the fridge.

“I’m a girl Hudson, it’s like a universal law or something,” I smile, watching his rear wiggle back and forth in front of me. Damn, the man had a fine ass. I sigh and my mind wanders and I think about what it looks like underneath his pajama pants. “It’s been a really long time since I’ve had any.”

Crap!
I squeeze my eyes shut, mentally cursing myself. The words had come out more breathy than I intended. Thankfully he doesn’t notice and carries on.

“We’ll remedy that right now with
extra
chocolate,” he closing the refrigerator door, milk and chocolate mix in hand. He pulls two glasses down from the cupboard and proceeds to makes chocolate milk. I watch him work, hypnotized by the way his muscles shift and strain under his white shirt. His red flannel pants hang low at his hips, showing off his perfect V, they pool at his feet, which are bare. His toes peek up at me from underneath.

He flicks his eyes up from his task and smiles.

“Enjoying the view?” he’s grinning at me from ear to ear. I blush so deep my skin feels hot. He caught me checking him out and I was completely guilty of it. I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. He stops stirring and he leans in toward me, I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face. “It’s okay, I know I’m sexy.”

“Wow, ego much?” I lift an eyebrow, leaning in to him, only diverting my attention last second to the glass of chocolate milk next to him. I pull back with a smirk, noticing the way his eyes have darkened.

“What can I say?” He steps back, holds out his arms and breaks into song and dance, gyrating his hips. “My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard...”

Chocolate milk sprays out of my mouth and nose, as I choke and sputter, in between fits of laughter. Thankfully Hudson had been smart enough to move out of the splash zone before breaking into his song and dance.

Did he really just do that?

I’m not used to seeing a man laugh, unless it’s for purely maniacal reasons. But seeing him like this, joking around, being comfortable enough to laugh at himself with me was refreshing. Experiencing him like this only makes it harder for me to fight my growing feelings. Why couldn’t we have met earlier in life when I could’ve been what he deserved?

“I love the sound of your laughter,” he says breaking me out of my thoughts and ruining the moment. My face slackens and I swallow hard. “It’s like a beautiful song.”

I shift uncomfortably and look down at my hands, my fingers twitch, faster than usual. The music strains in my head. Not the usual concerto this time. Something new, one I hadn’t thought about in a long time, one special for him. Rapid and woeful, just like our time together. Music has always been a shield for me, helping me to cope during moments of distress. While I was not distressed this time, I was being tortured with my thoughts. It wasn’t good to want something I couldn’t have.

I stand up, forgetting my chocolate milk and walk into the living room. He’s inspired me to feel things, to want them and I didn’t know how to cope with it. I haven’t had to worry about my own wants and needs for a long time. Someone else had done it for me. Erik controlled everything and as time went by, I learned my wants and needs didn’t matter. In a sense they still didn’t matter, since nothing would ever be more than it was now between Hudson and I.

“Did I say something wrong?” I feel him behind me, his body inches away when I stop in front of the mantle.

“I’m no good for you Hudson,” I study the photos in front of me. I know them by heart now but they have becoming a comforting sight. They remind me of happier times in my own life, before Erik. Times I never thought were good until I didn’t have them anymore.

“Let me be the judge of that,” he says softly and I feel him move in closer, the heat of his body radiating along my back. I pray he doesn’t touch me. I won’t be able to keep it together if he touches me.

“I can’t,” I whisper trying to push down the bubble of words in my chest. Fuck, I’m not ready to ruin everything but he’s not giving me much choice. “Do you want to know what I dream about Hudson?”

I pause, dragging in a deep breath. His arms snake around my waist pinning me to his front. My resistance is futile, so I lean into him needing his strength to get through the next part.

“I dream of men. Lots of men, each one using me for some sick fantasy. They touch me, hit me, smack me, punch me and fuck me until they get off. They kiss me with revolting breath that smells like death and lick every inch of my skin with their acid tongues. They burn me with cigarettes, cut me with razor blades, hang me from the ceiling naked and on display. They force their cock down my throat and choke me until I submit. They fuck me in any position imaginable, bending and twisting my body painfully. I don’t cry out or beg them to stop. There’s no point. Nothing I do or say would stop them anyways,” the room is dead silent as he listens. He doesn’t move, doesn’t breath. He simply stands with his arms around me. My hands shake with nervous energy, so I place them over his to steady them and he lacing his fingers with mine.

“Good dreams aren’t filled with faceless men using you, breaking you, nearly killing you for their own enjoyments,” I take in a shuddering breath before continuing. “Did you know I played the violin? It’s kind of a family tradition. My father lacked the natural talent I was born with. I spent my entire childhood with a violin under my chin. My father was a tyrant when it came to perfection. If he couldn’t usurp his own father’s talents, he would make damn sure his only daughter did.”

The photo, the one of his team catches my eye. I reach for it but I’m almost afraid to touch it. Afraid his supportive silence will vanish if I touch it. He hasn’t said a word since I started and I’m all right with it since it is my turn to tell secrets.

“The music, my fingers, I’d play it in my head when I couldn’t handle what was happening to me,” I drop my hand away from the mantle but gracefully lift my arms, pretending to hold a violin and bow. His arms remain steady around my waist. I close my eyes and imagine I’m standing on stage, playing before a crowd of people, the music softly straining from the pressure of the bow and my fingers. I remember the joy I would feel, to have the crowd in the palm of my hand, weeping because the song moved them. Slowly, I drop my arms, hang my head and study the crooked fingers of my hands. “Erik didn’t like me playing. One night he got this idea in his head to destroy all that I loved most. Smashing my violin to pieces wasn’t enough for him. A violin could be replaced. He had to make sure I wouldn’t be able to play ever again…I tried to set them but they never healed right.”

His hand takes mine and he spins me around to face him. His eyes are soft and understanding, glistening with unshed tears. Lifting my hands to his lips, he presses feathery light kisses on each finger. A knot forms in my throat and I struggle to swallow.

Ah, fuck! Why did he have to that?

I wasn’t going to be able to walk away from this man.

Not when he does sweet things like that.

*****

Hudson

“Hudson, you have to stop,” she looks at me with pain laced in her eyes, a glimpse of need glistening in the back. Our hands intertwined feels right and after what she just told me, I never want to let go. How someone can be so cruel, so maniacal was beyond comprehension. Her torture hadn’t started with Erik. It went back to the day she was born.

“I can’t,” my voice is gruff and I realize I’m ready to lay everything out for her. Something flickers behind her and I glance at it. It’s one of the photos on the mantle.
That
photo. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, giving in. “And I don’t want to.”

Preacher’s words echo in my head and finally I understand what he meant. This woman standing before me had been placed purposely in my life for a number of reasons. While I’ve questioned it at every turn, I know Alice was the woman he described the day he died. We keep fighting these feelings. Neither of us is ready for something this serious, this strong. But there is no way I can stay away from her anymore. Whatever lies between us has a tight hold on me and I don’t want it to let go.