Lost in You (10 page)

“Y
ou just met Ryan and were already touching him?” The way his mother looks at him makes his head drop. I want to ask her if she believes in love at first sight or that instant connection you feel with someone that makes you do crazy things, but I don’t dare.

“Mom?”
Ryan’s voice is soft, questioning. Nothing like the voice I’ve been playing over and over in my head since we’ve met.

“I’ll see you downstairs, Ryan.” She turns and walks away from us. I watch her retreat to people she must know. A few of them p
oint, but she shakes her head, not even turning around to see if we are watching her as she blatantly talks about us behind our backs. 

“I’m sorry about my mom.” His words are quiet, meant only for me. I wonder if Alex makes him nervous or if he’s just al
ways this shy. I’ve seen glimpses of someone different underneath, someone that I fully want to explore if given the opportunity. I have a feeling that he’s saving that side of him for a rainy day.

“Don’t be,” I say, placing my hand in his. I need to touch
him, especially when he’s this close. “She’s a mom and protective of her boy. I get that.”

Ryan runs his free hand through his hair, creating a mess of waves. I’m curious if he always keep it this shaggy or if he wears it shorter, or maybe even longer. No
t that I’d like him any different.

“There’s coffee and cookies downstairs if you want to come down.” I nod and look over at Alex, who is clearly bored.

“Coffee and cookies downstairs,” I say quietly. Her eyebrow rises as if I’m joking. This is so off-the-chart for her. Alex shakes her head and walks away. I can’t tell if she’s mad or actually going to go downstairs. I didn’t ask her to leave. Maybe being here as a third wheel isn’t her idea of fun.

I look back at Ryan and smile. He’s been watching me thi
s whole time. “Coffee and cookies it is.”

Ryan smiles and starts looking around. He pulls me out of the pew, gripping my hand tightly. We walk in the opposite direction, away from the main door we came in. He brings us down a dark hall and into a small roo
m. I follow in behind him; it’s dark, with only a tiny window at the top of the wall, near the ceiling, letting in a streak of light.

I turn at the sound of the door closing, at the same time Ryan is pulling me to him, knocking off my hat. His hand cups m
y face, his lips not hesitant like before, but daring. I weave my hand into his hair and gasp when I feel his tongue touch mine. He lets go of my hand, wrapping his arm around my waist. His grip is firm, bringing us closer to each other. His hand trails down my face, my neck, my shoulder and finally his fingertips brush along the side of my breast.

I pull him closer and shift our bodies, his leg between mine. When he moans I know he feels the same sensation that I do and that makes me stop and pull away fr
om him. I’m thankful that the minimal light casts only shadows in this room, because I don’t want him to see the pained look on my face. And I definitely don’t want him to think I’m rejecting him, because I don’t want to, but I have to.

“You make me want t
o try things I’ve never thought about before.” His lips ghost on my neck, sending shivers down my spine. I want to pretend that I don’t know he’s only seventeen and give into his raging hormones. It’s like I’ve woken a sleeping giant and now that he’s alert, there’s no stopping him. I don’t want to imagine him looking at or even thinking about touching another woman, only me. I’m selfish in thinking that I’ll be enough for him, especially when all I can allow is kissing and even that is probably taking it too far. Standing here in this darkened room, with a horny sexy boy who makes my skin feel as if it’s being burned, all I can think about is showing him how good we can make each other feel.

I step back, putting distance between us. I sense his body go rigi
d, pained. He lets me take his hand when I reach for it, although I can feel his resistance.

“Have no doubt that I want this between us,” I whisper so prying ears beyond this door can’t hear what I’m about to tell him. “Have no doubt that I want to feel yo
u pressed against me, to let you explore and learn what your touch does to me. As much as it pains me to not touch you and claim you publicly – to tell the world that I’ve found someone that I want to spend every conceivable moment with, even after two days – we have to be cautious and act as if we’re friends. Trust me, it’s killing me. People always say you know when you’ve found that one person and I
know
, without a doubt, you’re the one.

“We just have to be careful. There’s going to be a day when we can
do this and not have to worry about the consequences.”

“I can’t help myself, Hadley. I look at you and I imagine
things
that I want to do and try with you. I’ve never had these types of thoughts about anyone until I met you, until you let me kiss you.” Ryan bridges the gap between us and kisses me forcefully. “I don’t want to help myself.”

“I can’t either, but we need to try, for both our sakes. Your mom clearly doesn’t appreciate your new friend and once she finds out who I am and how old I am…” I shake m
y head at the thought. When Ian finds out about Ryan, shit is going to hit the fan. I can’t imagine what Ryan’s mother is going to do, or his father. “We need to be careful.”

“We’ll be careful,” he says, his lips brushing up against mine as he speaks the t
hree words that will hopefully keep us safe.

Ryan

Having Hadley in this dark room only spurred the thoughts I’ve been having about her. I’ve never thought of a girl
that
way before until now. When I close my eyes, I picture what she looks like with me hovering over the top of her, or pressed against the wall with her legs wrapped around me. These visions of lust cloud my mind. Holding her hand simply ignites a fury beneath my skin with anticipation of what could come.

When my fingers brushed against her breast, the thought of knowing I could touch her freely, even if it was behind layers of fabric, sent a thrill right through me. Having her pull away, though, is not my intended plan.
I know she’s being smart, cautious. That should be me. I should protect us, shy away from her to keep her safe. I know what my mom is going to say when she finds me alone. A conversation I don’t want to listen to.

Hadley is right, though. This friendship,
or what I want to consider a relationship, needs to be kept quiet. The last thing I want is for Hadley to be in trouble because of me. If kissing her in private is all I’m allowed to do, then so be it. I’ll take what I can get until my eighteenth birthday. I’m hoping then that she’ll still want me.  

“You should go downstairs. I’ll follow behind.” She says this with confidence while my heart is aching for her to come with me.

Opening the door, I peek out into the hallway, looking for Reverend Monroe. I saw him and my father walk toward the basement before I brought Hadley in here, but I don’t want to take any chances. I need to protect Hadley from the scrutiny she’ll face if we get caught.

I give her hand a quick kiss before stepping out into the hallwa
y. There’s a soft glow from the nightlights used to illuminate a path. I take a deep breath before entering the church, walking down the aisle and descending the stairs.

People are gathered, as normal. They congregate by their job or financial status. I h
ate this church. Reverend Monroe preaches about giving back to the community and treating everyone like family, yet the rich are on the right and the poor on the left. We’re segregated by status and told, without using the words, to never cross that imaginary line.

Dylan pushes me into the corner, her face full of anger. I’ve never seen her cheeks so red. Her teeth are clenched, causing her jaw to protrude slightly. Her grip is strong as she squeezes my arm for effect.

“You invited her to church?”

“Not real
ly. She asked if she could come. Besides, what’s the big deal? No one can tell who she is or anything. She’s wearing that stupid hat.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Dylan says through pursed lips. “What is going on with you and her?”

I shrug. If I’m supposed to be careful, I can’t really tell Dylan that I’ve taken on the newfound hobby of French kissing her idol. “We’re friends. I make her laugh.” The last part is a lie, I’m not sure that I do and I haven’t told her any jokes to find out.

“I think there’s mor
e to this story. You spent the night with her.”

“I didn’t, Dylan. I told you this. We talked and it’s all thanks to you. Had we come home like planned we wouldn’t be having this conversation and I wouldn’t be grounded.”

“You’re grounded?”

“Of course I am.”
I don’t tell her it’s all worth it. I wouldn’t trade that first night with Hadley for anything. Nor the second, although my parents don’t know about the early sneaking in I did this morning. “It doesn’t matter what my mom says, she cowers to my dad and you know that.”

“I’m sorry.” Dylan sounds remorseful. She knows my home life is anything but stellar. While she and most of my classmates are living the life of luxury – even the same ones in my neighborhood have more than I do – I’m stuck in the sixties whe
re the man rules and the wife does everything he says. And the children – they have no voice.

I spot Alex in the corner. Her eyes are trained on me while she’s talking to another parishioner. Her eyes turn to the entry way and I follow. Hadley steps throug
h. She looks calm and reserved. Dylan turns and shakes her head.

“Really?”

“What?”

She looks back at me. “You like her, don’t you?”

Like? No, that word does not begin to sum up how I feel about Hadley. “She’s… nice,” I mutter, catching Dylan’s look all too soon. She steps back as if I’ve hurt her, stabbed her. She shakes her head, her eyes downcast, examining the white tile floor stained yellow from years of abuse. I don’t understand what just happened.

“Did you sleep with her?”
she whispers. I look at her, at Hadley and then back at Dylan. I shake my head. We slept, but not in the way Dylan is asking. Her mouth drops open, a small gasp of air escapes. She doesn’t believe me. I know this by looking at her. I reach for her as she turns and runs away. I call out her name, but it’s too late. She’s gone and people are staring, including Hadley. 

This small incident catches the attention of my mom. She looks from me to Hadley and frowns. Mom loves Dylan and is probably figuring things
out. It was a mistake agreeing to let Hadley come to church.

Hadley excuses herself and walks over to me. I motion for her to follow me back upstairs. If we were going to talk, I’d rather do so without an audience.
The soft tap of her shoes echo behind me as we climb the hardwood stairs. I want to reach behind me and hold her hand, but I don’t. I push open the door leading to our small courtyard and walk to the bench that sits under the large oak tree that my dad and I made a few years ago and donated to the church.

I reach for Hadley’s hand as I sit down. I don’t know what we’re doing out here. I just wanted to get away from the stares I was getting downstairs. Hadley stands in front of me, her dress blowing lightly in the breeze. I look up at her and sm
ile. I already feel at ease with her away from everyone.

“What are we doing out here?”

I shrug. “I wanted to get away from people staring. And I wanted to spend a few more minutes with you alone before it’s time to leave.”

Hadley sits down next to me, she
’s brings her knee up under her, resting it against my thigh. I want more than anything to touch her, to find out how soft her skin is there.

“I leave tonight,” she says. I try not to let her words affect me, but they do. I knew this was going to happen,
but wanted to stretch these days as far as I could. “I have to head out west for a few weeks before I have another break. Then I thought I could come see you.”

“Okay.”

She smiles. “I also thought we could text and talk as much as possible. I’m not sure I can go a day without hearing your voice.”

“I can’t,” I say.

“Why not?” The look on her face kills me. I sit forward and put my head in my hands. I can never be what she needs.

“I shouldn’t tell you this. You might think differently and that’s the last thing
I want, but I work part-time to help out at home and sometimes I have extra money to buy minutes for my cell phone. I don’t always have minutes to use,” I mumble quickly into my hands.

She shifts, but not away, closer. Her fingers thread through my hair
at the nape of my neck. Her touch is soft. I lean into her, wanting to be enveloped by her.

“I can help.”

I shake my head. I’m not going to allow her to take care of me. That is embarrassing and degrading. A man should take care of his girl, not the other way around.

Hadley kneels in front of me, pulling my hands away from my face. “If I get you a phone, it’s all for me. I’d be doing it for me so that I can talk to you. I’m going to need to talk to you every day. Knowing me, it’s going to be multiple times
a day.”