Lost Until You (The Sorrentino Brothers Series Book 1) (19 page)

I’d had enough with the distance between Jazz and I. If she wanted time to clear her head that was fine, but she needed to come and see the baby. She couldn’t forget about her daughter and responsibilities. That wasn’t right. For all I knew, she hadn’t been to her studio either and it pissed me off to no end.

I grabbed a sub from Pizza Palace across the highway and sat down at my desk. While I ate, I thought about what I would say to my wife to get her to talk to me. I wrote everything down like a schoolboy having his first crush. After four pieces of paper had been crumbled and thrown in the trash, I said the hell with it and grabbed the phone off my desk, dialing her number. On the third ring, she answered but didn’t say anything. The line remained quiet.

“You there?” I asked. I could hear her moving around, so I knew she was listening.

“You can’t run from me, Jazz. We’re married for Christ’s sake.”

I heard her sniff a few times, and then she whispered, “I know.”

“Look. I don’t want to put more on you. Clearly, you’re not ready to talk. I was only calling to find out what you wanted to do about the baby. She misses you, Jazzy. She misses you so fucking much. Hearing her cry is tearing me apart. I don’t know what else I can do.”

More unwanted silence lingered through the phone before she spoke up, and said, “I….I’m sorry, B. I miss Savanah, too.”

I rubbed my hand over my face. “Well, what do you want to do? Because you can’t keep running. We’ve got to find a solution to this problem. I want my family back.”

“That can’t…it can’t happen. I’m sorry.”

“Why?” I was pissed. How could she give up on us without even knowing the truth?

“Why would you throw five years down the drain without finding a solution to the problem in the first place?”

“Are you seriously asking me why?” she hollered. Jazz never raised her voice at me. “You know I love you, B. I always will. No matter what the truth is, no one can take away the love we share, but I cannot and will not go through this. It’s disgusting. I feel gross every time I think about making love to you. Don’t you understand? Don’t you get it? How can you sit here and raise your voice at me for something that’s out of our control?”

There was no way I could sit here and listen to any more of this shit. I was hurting just as much as she was, if not more.

“Because I believe in our love, Jazz. I believe God wouldn’t have allowed us to get married and have a beautiful daughter and the perfect life if we were related by blood. Don’t you think my dad would have spoken up beforehand if it were the truth?”

“I don’t care,” she cut me off. “The truth or not, until I see it in black and white, I can’t subject myself to this type of relationship. I feel terrible as it is, B. I miss you so much it hurts, but this is wrong. So wrong. I can’t handle this pain any more.”

It sounded like she made up her mind. Man, it must have been easy pushing five years out the window.

“So that’s it? You don’t want me to get a hold of Uncle Teto and find out? You just want me to let you go and be happy. Is that what you’re asking?”

She was crying. I could hear her sobbing through the phone. Deep down inside it was killing me. I thought I meant more. I thought what we had was rare, a one of a kind love, a forever kind of love. I guess I had been wrong all along.

“We have to be. You need to move on, I’m no good for you, B. It’s over. I’m at the house right now packing up my things. When I get back to the apartment, I’m going to call your mom to get Savanah. I want to be settled first so she’s not confused. I’m sure it’ll be different with her living there, but I can’t lose her too. She needs me and God knows how much I need her.”

“Oh, hell no, woman. You are not taking my daughter away from me. You are welcome to come and see her any time you want, but she lives in our house and that’s where she’ll stay.”

“Ple-…Please don’t do this. She’s mine, too. I…I need her, too…B…Please let me have her. Don’t…don’t keep her from me.”

Fuck. What in the hell was I going to do? The last thing I ever wanted was to keep Savanah away from her mom, but she had a house, a home, and she needed to be there.

Losing Jazz was destroying me, but asking to take my daughter out of the only home she had ever known was killing me inside. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lose her, too.

“We’ll talk about it later. Call me when you get settled,” I told her and hung up the phone.

I couldn’t listen to her cry any more. Not when my heart had been broken in more ways than I could handle. Jazz didn’t realize how much I loved her. She couldn’t have. Because if she did, she would fight tooth and nail beside me until we talked to Uncle Teto. But she didn’t and I was stuck going through the motions alone.

Fucckkkkk… I shoved the pile of papers off my deck, kicking the trash can over. I needed to get out of here. I needed to go get fucked up and forget my life ever existed.

Chapter Twenty

Jazz

“I’m sorry,” Stone apologized, as he drove down the highway. After pulling that little stunt by kissing me, I wanted to get out of his Jeep and walk home. But he drove off instead, not letting me out of his sight.

 “Why’d you do it?” I asked, kicking myself in the ass. There was too much tension in the air. I couldn’t deal with myself any more than I could deal with anyone else.

I knew I shouldn’t have drank those beers. I should have eaten something instead. But my emotions had me all over the place, making me feel like I needed to be numb.

Stone gripped the steering wheel, ignoring my question. I still couldn’t believe he kissed me. Did I look like some easy piece of ass? Just as I was knocked down to one of the lowest points in my life, he kicked me down even further.

I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. This wasn’t just Stone’s fault. It was mine, too. I let the weight of my problems suck me in and now I felt like a damn fool. I had never thought about going behind my husband’s back. I didn’t even know if that kiss was considered cheating, but the thought of it felt dirty.

Oh God, what am I going to do?

I needed to hurry and get back to Kelly’s so I could get away from him. I felt like I was suffocating. If Brax ever found out his best friend’s lips were pressed against mine, he would kill us both. He would flip a fucking gasket.

Shit.

We made it back to Salisbury faster than I anticipated. As soon as Stone pulled into an empty parking spot, I opened the door. I threw my jacket over my shoulders and grabbed my purse, sliding out of the seat. As I rounded the corner, Stone was right in front of my face.

He placed his arms of both sides of my head, pinning me against his Jeep, refusing to let me go.

He needed to get out of my way. I couldn’t be anywhere near him, but he wouldn’t move.

“Look at me,” he demanded. But I couldn’t. I was so embarrassed—it wasn’t even funny.

“It was the heat of the moment, Jazz. I’m sorry. Would you look at me? Please?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, praying to God he would move so I could run inside. My buzz was gone. It felt great at first, but the repercussions from acting stupid were eating me alive, making me extremely uncomfortable. But I took the risk and looked up, anyway, noticing how upset he looked.

“I fucked up. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I thought that’s what you wanted. Did I read you wrong?”

“What did I want, Stone?” I asked muddled. “Did you really think I was just going to kiss you and be okay with it?”

Did I give him the wrong impression tonight? Maybe I did, but I sure as shit didn’t mean to.

Stone pushed off the side of the Jeep, moving in front of me, pacing back and forth.

“There was never a doubt about it, I have always been attracted to you,” he laughed and looked up into the sky, shoving his hands in his front pockets. “I even told Brax a while ago that if he ever fucked up, I would pick up his slack.”

I couldn’t believe he was saying all of this. Why? Why now? Why did he have to go there? There was a difference with me fucking up, but not him. Not the Stone I had grown to love over the years. The one who respected and cared for me as a friend. Not this.

“I would never interfere with your marriage. I should have known better and I’m sorry.”

Stone stopped pacing and looked down at me. “I was wrong. You’re my best friend’s wife.” He took a step back and pulled out his keys. “Your friendship means more to me than this. I’ll call you tomorrow to check in on you. Will you at least be okay?”

I nodded and walked up the steps. As I reached for the door, he called my name.

“Jazz. I hope you can forgive me. I didn’t mean any harm.” Stone got in the Jeep and took off, while I stood there jumbled.

What in the hell was I going to do?

**

Kelly wasn’t home when I got back, giving me some time to prioritize my plan. I had to come up with something. My anxiety was getting the best of me. I didn’t know who I was any more. It might have only been a couple days since I was ripped away from my family, but it felt more like a couple of years.

I knew I was acting like a sarcastic bitch toward everyone who crossed my path, but I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to act. One minute I had everything I had ever dreamed of, and the next minute, it was all gone.

How did someone in my situation handle something like this? Did they keep going and act like nothing ever happened? Or did they pick up and move on?

I was so lost, so hurt, yet nothing I did felt right. Nothing I felt was right, because it was all a lie. My whole life had been nothing but a fucking lie and I was sick of it. Done. I just wanted to pack up my shit and leave. Maybe then everyone would have a better chance at a drama-free life.

Acting out and cursing like a sailor had never been a character trait of mine, but that was sure as shit what it turned out to be. I was angry. I was hurt. My heart had been shattered into a million pieces. Now, on top of everything else, my husband’s best friend kissed me. I was so fucked-up, I didn’t know which direction I was coming or going.

I dug in my bag, pulled out my notebook, and made a list of everything I needed to get done. I grabbed my phone off the bed, scrolling through the messages. Brax, Tanya, and Kelly were the only ones who had called, but I didn’t have the energy to listen to them. I knew if I heard Brax’s voice, my mind would have taken a turn for the worse. And God, I just couldn’t go there. I needed to get my shit together, not dwell on things that would never change.

Even though it was late, I called and left a message with the owner of the strip mall, Oliver, where my studio was. He returned my call right away, informing me that the apartment above my suite was, in fact, available for rent. I planned to meet Oliver first thing in the morning and sign a three-month lease. I only hoped I would have more direction by then. If not, I would need to stay somewhere until I knew what I was going to do.

I woke up the next morning, took a shower, and cleaned Kelly’s spare bedroom. She left for work before I could make her aware of my plans, so I dropped her a note, telling her to call me whenever she got a chance. I knew she was going to be mad at me for not keeping in touch, but I needed to start doing things on my own. Kelly was dating Brax’s brother; it was probably best that I kept them out of my business for now. I was better off alone anyway. At least I couldn’t get in any trouble or do something stupid again.

God, I was so ashamed of myself.

I went and signed the lease, got the keys, and drove over to the house, packing up my belongings. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.

When I threw the last piece of clothing in the box, I grabbed a picture frame off the nightstand of Brax and me last Christmas at his parents. There were two pictures side by side in the frame. The one on the right was with Brax smiling while I kissed his cheek, and the one on the left was the both of us facing each other. We were happy, content; our lives could not have been more perfect.

I pushed the tears off my cheeks and stood up, setting the picture frame back down on the nightstand. I sat back on the bed, cradling my face in my hands, and cried myself into a stupor.

Was it wrong of me to miss Brax? Was it wrong that I wanted to say to the hell with everything and just stay home? In our home? The one we shared as a family.

I missed my daughter. I missed my husband. I knew this was going to be hard moving away from my family, but my conscience wouldn’t let me choose any other way, even if I wanted to.

To think I was married to my half-brother wasn’t just gross, it was mind-boggling. I knew I needed to figure out a way to get in touch with Teto, but I couldn’t help but to feel nervous. Finding out I could very well be related to my husband was disgusting, alone, but tracking down the man who could piece the puzzle together scared the hell out of me. All Teto had to say was, yes, that I was Anthony’s, and I knew for certain what that would have done to me. I would want to die. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I wouldn’t be able to face my daughter, our family, or our friends.

I just couldn’t go there. I couldn’t force myself to find out. Instead, I took my time knowing Brax was at work, and made sure I got everything I needed. We had to have space. There was no way I could come back here and face him. I knew Brax. He would do anything he could to stop me if we were alone and I couldn’t put myself in that type of situation. Not when I was this vulnerable.

I wanted to jump into my husband’s arms and beg him hold me. I wanted him to kiss me and welcome me home. I wanted to sit in the living room with our baby girl in front of the fireplace, surrounded by the ones we love.

My phone buzzed in my purse. I knew it was Brax by “Gorilla” blaring through the speakers. He set the ringtone to my phone a while back, thinking it was funny. “Gorilla” was one of the many songs he liked to sing out loud and dance obnoxiously to whenever it came on the radio. I could picture him right now with a mic in his hand, grinding on top of my body, giving me a lap dance. God, I missed him.