Lost Until You (The Sorrentino Brothers Series Book 1) (22 page)

 I parked my truck then went back to the studio and unlocked the door. The lights were off. It was freezing in there. The first thing I checked was the thermostat, noticing it was shut off completely with a note taped to the top that said, ‘Do NOT turn on when studio is closed’. That was weird. Jazz had always kept the heat on when it was cold, setting it at sixty degrees.

I ripped the note off the top and threw it in the trash can. I set the temperature back to sixty-six degrees, so her equipment didn’t freeze or get ruined. We were due for a snowstorm to start sometime over the next twenty-four hours. If it was this cold in here now, I imagined her cameras were probably done for.

Shit. This isn’t good.

I went through the back and dug around in everything I came in contact with; papers, files, drawers. There was a desk with another computer, but it was shut down as well.

Where in the hell is she?

Fear trickled up my spine, giving me an unsettled feeling. Something wasn’t right. I loathed feeling this way. I loathed what our lives had come down to. Running and searching everywhere, coming up short, was enough to piss me off.

I went back up front and turned the computer on, allowing it to warm up before I searched through her emails. Her laptop was nowhere to be found, making me think she might have had it with her. Either way, I probably shouldn’t have been going this far into her personal business, but she left me with no other choice. I had to find out if she was okay. If, in fact, Jazz was well and didn’t want to talk to me, it wouldn’t sit easy by any means, but I would at least feel more at peace knowing I had tried. Living in the unknown wasn’t good, especially for someone as impatient as myself. I needed to know Jazz was at least breathing. That she was alive. Anything. The silence was slowly destroying me.

It took twenty-eight minutes for the computer to finally show some kind of light on the front of the screen. I pulled up a stool, keying in Jazz’s password, and then gave it a minute to pull up her email account. Then I went down the line, in chronological order, reading each email addressed to my wife.

Majority of the emails pertained were from her clients; wanting to schedule appointments, having questions about reorders, and needing to get their final sets of a previous shoot.

I got to the bottom of the third page when I spotted an email from Jazz’s personal account that was sent to her business account. I opened it up and saw the user-name and password to an online journal: I clicked on the link and typed in Jazz’s information. A notebook popped up, showing page after page of notes Jazz had typed to herself.

Was I going too far snooping in her business? I didn’t know what I should continue. Apart of me felt like a dick for sticking my nose where it didn’t belong. Jazz was still a girl. She would have my ass if she ever found out what I was digging in her personal journal behind her back. But if she wouldn’t talk to me, I had to find out about her some way. It wasn’t fair to leave me like this. I get that she was hurting, I knew she was scared. I was, too. But fuck, I missed her more than anything in this world. I needed Jazz home with me where she belonged.

Against my better judgment, I went through the journal, going back as far as January, and became utterly shocked at what she had written about herself.

-Today I met my maternal grandparents for the very first time. It was a surreal moment for sure. My emotions were up, they were down, they were all over the place. I was scared but excited, and yet I got nervous as could be. I still can’t believe I finally met them. I looked so much like my Uncle Landon and my grandmother, Phyllis, it was incredible.

At first, with the way my grandfather, Pat, had treated me, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to follow through and wait for Stone to finish meeting with them. I had a panic attack and wanted to leave, but my husband and Brix stopped me. Thank God, Brax was there. I don’t know what I would do without him sometimes. He makes me better. He completes me. Brax makes me whole.

So we waited outside until Stone was finished talking with them, then we were formally introduced. Pat, Phyllis, and I cried, holding onto one another. It was amazing how loving they were. My Uncle Landon was a gem, too. He was super sweet and seemed to really care about my well-being. I’m looking forward to introducing them to my precious baby girl and having them in our lives. I was beyond thankful to have followed through today and stuck around. I just hoped I would be able to keep in touch with them and form some kind of relationship together.

-Today, I learned a secret that destroyed my family, and at that moment, I died a slow, painful death. It seems as though the woman who conceived me ruined my life before it even started.

My mom, Peyton, apparently had an affair with my husband’s father, as well as his uncle, which, by the way, isn’t Brax’s “real” uncle. Teto was related to Brax somehow in a second cousin form through marriage. However, the verdict is still up in the air.

Not only had my father-in-law betrayed his wife, he could also very well be the man who helped bring me into this world. There is now a good possibility I could be blood related to my husband. The man who completes me. So I did the only thing I do best and I ran. I left Amelia and Anthony’s and took off to the park. I was alone, afraid, and scared to death.

How could all of that even be possible? The man I had grown to love over the years had an affair behind his wife’s back. I despise a cheater. I was sickened by the news, disgusted at the way it made me feel, and saddened by the fact that my marriage was now officially over. It had to be. I couldn’t be married to someone who could very well be my half-brother. That’s disgusting.

I wanted to drench myself in gasoline and catch my body on fire. I wanted to dive off the bay bridge and not think twice about it. All of these thoughts repeatedly ran through my head. I don’t know what to do, but I knew I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

God. Please, help me.

Where was my wife? The more I read, the more furious I became. Jazz was dying inside and I couldn’t be the one to comfort her. She had been alone this entire time, dwindling in sorrow and pain. I was left sitting at the desk feeling every emotion, every ounce of pain Jazz had been carrying, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could have done about it.

I scrolled down to the last time we had spoken. I wanted to be done, to rip this computer out of the wall and destroy it, but something told me to keep reading. So I did.

-Today I left Kelly’s and signed a lease to an apartment. After I got my things packed, I finally talked to Brax. He begged me to stay home and talk to him, and God, I wanted to. I wanted to be there more than anything, but I had to leave. I knew if I saw him and looked into those beautiful hazel eyes, I would give in, and I couldn’t. I had to be strong, not only for me but for Savanah as well. If things turned out on the bad side like I knew they were going to, I couldn’t let her see me this bad off. I was a mess. There was no other way to describe myself. I feel like my life has been ruined. Everything Brax and I worked so hard for has now been shot down the drain. We are nothing apart but destructive together. Regardless, it was morally wrong. I couldn’t force myself to stomach the thought. All of it was making me sick.

-Today I woke up feeling awful. I promised Brax I would go see the baby at his parents, but I laid down instead, unable to go through with it. I missed Savanah so much it hurt. It wrecked me not holding my precious girl in my arms, rocking her to sleep, looking into her sparkling little eyes. But I have to get better first, so I decided to stay here until I could rid myself from this pain. I’m not doing any good talking to anyone right now, anyway. Kelly, Tanya, and Stone are pissed off at me for not returning their calls. Their messages are becoming nastier as the days go by. Stone is pissed because I still won’t talk to him after what he did, but it serves him right. I’m still not over him kissing me. I mean, I know I was drinking, but I never gave him the impression that I wanted him to touch me. I thought he was my best friend, too. I guess I was wrong again. 

So I turned my phone off, needing a break. There has to be some way out of this mess. I can’t handle this sadness anymore.

Are you fucking kidding me? Stone kissed my wife? My fucking wife? When the fuck did this shit happen?

I closed my eyes, growling loudly then continued reading.

-Today is the first time I’ve crawled out of bed in a week. Unless I had to use the bathroom or grab a drink and a snack, I’ve laid here, sulking in my sorrows. I haven’t been eating healthy. Everything I put in my mouth was junk just to keep my blood sugar from dropping. I didn’t even feel like showering. I look like a hot mess.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost all contact with everyone and it makes me sad. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my life. But I guess this was meant to be.

-Today I called Dr. Floral and made an appointment. I need a refill on my anxiety medicine. I’ve had nothing but panic attack after panic attack and they’re coming on pretty strong, I’m starting to get a little freaked out.

 It’s been six weeks since I’ve talked to anyone. I’ve repeatedly stared at my phone, contemplating on whether or not I should turn it back on, but I end up getting too scared. Everyone is better off without me in their life anyway. I know that. I should have known better than to fall in love from the beginning. It wasn’t a smart move on my end. Just something I’ll always regret. 

I’ve always run from my problems. That’s the only way I knew how to get over things since I was younger. But nothing hurt as bad as this. I miss Brax. I need him to hold me. I need to feel his arms wrapped around me and his soft whispers in my ear. I miss my daughter. I don’t want to live anymore. I just want to die. God, if things are meant to be this bad forever, please take me home. At least Savanah would be in good hands and I could finally meet my momma.

I swiped away the tears running down my face. I missed the chance of Jazz needing me and it made me feel like a fucking failure.

-Today I met with Dr. Floral. She saw how bad off I was and wanted to put me in the hospital. She was pissed I had been alone going on three months. However, I begged her not to force me, promising I would start going to counseling. I hate that I even opened my mouth to begin with, but it beat being held down against my own free will. Maybe being admitted would have done me some good. I don’t know. But I couldn’t bring myself to go back into another institution. I was there when I was twelve for being manic-depressive and having uncontrollable panic attacks, but all they did was drug me. I hate feeling loopy, not knowing what I’m saying or doing. I hate drugs period, but I needed something. I’ve had nothing but suicidal thoughts run through my mind since my world crumbled to pieces. I just want to go home. I want my life back. I miss my family.

-Today I met with Dr. Aimee. She’s a counselor at Indian River Counseling Services. She was a really nice woman but very judgmental. Wow, she made sure she put me in my place numerous times today. But I guess I needed it. The meds have been working, so I’m starting to have clearer thoughts. I just can’t believe it’s been a little over ten weeks since I last saw my family. I miss them so much. That pain will never fully go away. I understand that better now. But I made a promise to Dr. Aimee that I wouldn’t give up. That I would follow through meeting Teto in two weeks and get a DNA test.  Dr. Aimee said she talked to Anthony, too. She’s just waiting for confirmation that he’s going to come do the test the same day as Teto—”

The lights flickered and then the studio went black.

“Noooooooo…”

I ran over to the circuit breaker, flicking the buttons up and down, praying the lights would come back on. When they didn’t, I felt defeated.

“Fuckkkk…”

Fury coursed through my body, filling my mind with rage. All of these things happened and I was completely unaware. I picked up the closest thing to my right and threw it against the wall. I grabbed the table behind me, flipping it over. I threw everything off the shelves, kicking and yelling and screaming until I no longer had a voice. I punched the wall with my right hand than my left repeating each punch again and again.  Blood splattered down my shirt from the skin on my knuckles busting open.

Arms engulfed my body, pulling me away from the destruction I had caused. I turned around, ready to give whoever it was a piece of my mind, and ended up tackling Brayden to the ground.

“Calm the fuck down, B,” Brayden screamed in my face, but I couldn’t get control of myself. All I saw was red. I was so lost in my own destruction, my own fit of anger, that I took it out on my little brother.

More arms pinned me down to the ground, forcing me to stop the destruction I was causing. I was out of breath, spent. I couldn’t lift another finger to harm someone if I wanted to.

“What, man? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Brayden pushed off the ground, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

What is wrong with me?
I had no idea.

I sat on the floor and kept my head down between my legs, hugging my body, rocking back and forth. I needed to breathe. I needed to calm down. Fucking hell, this was all too much.

“I got it in here. Go. I’ll meet you in a little bit.”

No one and I mean no one was going to touch my wife. When I saw Stone, he was next. Let that bitch cross me. I was going to beat his ass.

Here Jazz had been hiding out, crying over that asshole. Stone was going to pay.

“Dude you—”

I grabbed my cousin by his shirt, thinking he was Brayden. “Why’d he kiss her?” I seethed. “Why’d he put his fucking lips on my wife? Tell me.” I shook Brix’s body. “Fucking tell me, because I can’t take it anymore. I’m gonna kill him. Where the fuck is Stone?”