Lost Until You (The Sorrentino Brothers Series Book 1) (23 page)

Brix shoved me backward then gripped his arm around my neck, forcing me in a headlock. He got irritated when he couldn’t hold me still, knowing damn well I was losing my mind.

“Fucking, stop, B. STOP.”

I took long hard, ragged breaths, forcing myself to relax, but nothing was working. All I could see was my best friend’s lips kissing my wife.

I want to rip his fucking dick off and shove it down his damn throat.

“Now,” Brix stepped back, removing his hold around me. “Tell me what the hell happened.”

I grabbed his hand, allowing him to help me up and stood there, straightening out my clothes.

“He kissed her, Brix. He fucking touched Jazz.”

“Who? Stone?”

Looking around, the realization of what I had done hit me. I fucked Jazz’s studio up. She was going to kill my ass.

“Who, B?” Brix asked again.

I turned around to face my cousin. “Stone. The night he took Jazz out of Kelly’s. I don’t know what happened. I found Jazz’s diary on the computer and read what she’s been thinking since she took off. She wrote in there that Stone kissed her and how he upset her, man. He kissed my fucking wife.”

I bent down and grabbed a chair in front of me. Brix jumped forward, shoving me back against the wall.

“Dude, chill the hell out. Look around, B.  Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

Brix didn’t understand. He didn’t love Tanya like I loved Jazz. She wasn’t his world like Jazz was mine. He didn’t get it.

I paced across the studio, kicking broken pieces of shattered glass and wood out of my way. I grabbed my keys, making my way over to the door.

“Where you going, man?” Brix jogged over to stop me.

I lifted my hand, jiggling the keys. “I’m outta here.”

I shut off the lights and waited for him to meet me outside. I would have to come back later and clean everything up. Right now, I was going to the bar to get trashed. I needed to feel something, anything but this.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Jazz

Never in my life have I claimed to be perfect. I had made my fair share of mistakes, living with the regret from every single one of them. No one taught me how to live a certain way. If anything, I had learned to do the complete opposite.

I wasn’t opposed to doing what was right. My goal in life had always been to overcome my upbringing and never turn out like those I had been placed with.

I had seen a lot of things in my life I should have never seen. I witnessed things that I should never have been around. I said things that had gotten me in a lot of trouble. But at the end of the day, I had tried my best to pick myself up and learn from those types of situations.

I lived with depression and battled severe anxiety for the majority of my life. Even though I started to mellow out, the anxiety never fully subsided. It had always been ready to creep up on me at any given moment. I had fought hard, trying not to give up. It was all I could do.

Living with heartache was the worst thing imaginable. Just knowing what I had, before my life started to crumble into a thousand pieces, ruined me.

I hadn’t been myself in what felt like forever. I hadn’t spoken to Brax, seen Savanah, or talked to any one of my friends. I had kept myself locked away in my apartment, refusing to face the world.

Anyone who has lived with depression knew what it felt like to need to shut everyone out. It wasn’t done by choice. I was left doing what I needed in order to get myself better. And being closed off was my only solution.

I missed Savanah like crazy. I missed her beautiful face, her soft, adorable voice, and those gorgeous hazel eyes that sparkled every time she looked at me. I missed hearing her call my name, rocking her in my arms, and a smile so bright it was contagious.  It hurt more than anything knowing I had to shun myself away from everyone, especially Savanah, but it was the best I could do. I wasn’t just embarrassed by my situation, I was devastated.

All of my life I wanted to be loved. That was it. And when Brax swept me off my feet, I knew if we ever broke apart it would wreck me. And it did.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Dr. Aimee adjusted herself in a chair in front of me.

I kept my focus on my hands fidgeting in my lap. “Everything,” I mumbled under my breath.

 “Care to elaborate, Mrs. Sorrentino?”

I looked up, cringing at my own last name.

“Please, call me Jazz.”

 “Very well, Jazz. Do you care to elaborate what ‘everything’ means? I want to help you, but I can’t do that unless you open up and tell me what’s going on.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, elaborating to Dr. Aimee everything that had been going on.  I explained my marital status and what happened since my life fell apart. I was embarrassed, telling a complete stranger my business.

“That would have me flustered, too,” Dr. Aimee agreed. “So, you haven’t spoken with anyone since you left your friend, Kelly’s, house?”

I shook my head and replied, “No. The last time I spoke with Brax, I had just signed the lease to my apartment and was packing my things at home.”

“About how long ago was that?”

I looked up at the ceiling, recounting the days.

“Ten weeks and one day.”

“And you never went to see your daughter or kept in touch with anyone? You’ve been alone this entire time? For ten weeks?” Dr. Aimee asked, shocked.

I nodded my head, unable to believe it myself.

“I see.” She wrote something down on her notepad. When she was finished, she looked back at me across the room. “Do you think that solved anything? Being separated from everyone, I mean? Let me hear your thoughts.”

 “Well, no,” I told her. “But it’s the best I could do.”

“Why’s that?”

I was starting to feel uncomfortable. This was starting to feel like an interrogation.

“Because for me, running has always been easier. I don’t have to face anyone, and they won’t see my pain. I can keep to myself and deal with everything on my own and be okay with it.”

“But you’re not okay. You’re far from it, if I’m being honest.”

“You’re right,” I said reluctantly and opened up for the first time in a long time. “I hate being alone, Dr. Aimee. I want my husband; I miss our little girl. I haven’t gone this long without talking to my best friend, Kelly, since high school. But I can’t make myself do it. I can’t hear my husband’s voice and be okay with it. I miss him so much it hurts. And I can’t call Kelly or Tanya or anyone else and give them a reason for the choices I have made. They won’t understand. I know them. They would ream me out and not think twice about it. Besides, if Stone told Brax what he did to me, I’m sure Brax will never forgive me.”

“What did Stone do? I’m confused.”

I squeezed my fingers. I was so ashamed to say it, but I blurted it out anyway and told Dr. Aimee about the night Stone kissed me.

The expression on her face told me that she felt sorry for all I had been through. But I didn’t want her pity or anyone else’s for that matter. I just wanted my happiness back.

“And you didn’t want him to kiss you, correct?”

“No,” I stated boldly. “I love Stone. He’s a great guy with a big heart, but he’s not my Brax. I’d been drinking with no food in my stomach. I should have known better and shouldn’t have had those thoughts about him, but my mind was all over the place. I literally felt like I was going crazy.”

I bowed my head in shame. I didn’t think it was possible to cry this much. Sometimes, I felt like that was all I ever did anymore. If I wasn’t crying, I was beating myself down with words or calling myself names.

Somewhere along the line, I lost me. I lost who I was. And at times, I felt like a little kid again, yearning to be held. Yearning to hear the words ‘I love you’.

Dr. Aimee sat her notepad down on the desk beside her and handed me a box of tissues.

“How do you want me to help you, Jazz? I want to hear what you’d like to receive from my services.”

It was going to be hard answering that question. I didn’t know what I wanted. Besides stating the obvious, there were so many things clearly evident; nevertheless, I had to make a change. That I knew was imperative.

“I need you to tell me what to do. Am I wrong for leaving Brax and our daughter?” I asked, desperately needing someone to tell me the truth.

“I know I shouldn’t have kept myself away from Savanah. That part I know, but God, this is too much, Dr. Aimee. The thought alone of holding the baby we’d created together kills me. I need Brax and Savanah so bad, I feel like I am suffocating without them.”

Dr. Aimee took a few minutes, allowing me to calm myself down before she began answering my questions.

“Well…for starters, I think you need to figure out what you’re going to do when you find out exactly who your biological father is. If it’s Anthony, how are you going to deal with that? Because you need to know, Jazz. You need to find out the truth instead of playing the what-if game. No matter what that truth entails, you deserve to know, regardless. Not only for yourself, but also for Savanah’s well-being. Either way you look at it, you’re right, it’s imperative.”

I understood what she was saying, but it wasn’t that simple. I was so afraid if my dad was Anthony that it would push me over the edge. I had been at that point now for what felt like forever, but hearing it confirmed out loud would literally destroy me. I had no doubt in my mind.

“Second, you need to sit down with Brax and talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel. Explain why you ran off the way that you did, why you severed all contact with your daughter. But be honest. If he is a great guy like you’ve expressed to me, then I have no doubt in my mind that he would respect your honesty.”

“But what if my dad is Teto and I’ve ruined my marriage? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I’m having one hell of a time as it is. Brax means the world to me even though we may be siblings. I still love him. I still need him in my life. I don’t think I could live forever without him by my side.”

Dr. Aimee leaned forward and looked me right in the eyes.

“Stop. Stop speaking all of those thoughts from your mind, sweetie. You are driving yourself crazy. I can see how badly this has affected you. And I think those who have been in your shoes would have probably done the exact same thing. There’s no perfect way to tell you to go through these motions. There’s no rulebook on how to live after finding out you and your husband may be related. There just isn’t. But that mind of yours is what’s causing more of an issue than anything.” Dr. Aimee took a hold of my hand, watching me carefully as she continued.

“You need to dig deep in your soul, figure out what you want, regardless of the answers, and go for it. Don’t stop until you’re back to your happy place. If you and Brax do all you can to be together and you still can’t get past everything, then at least you can say you tried. In the meantime, you have a lot of soul searching to do. I’m happy to assist you in that, Jazz, but I can’t do the work for you. You have to do your part not only as a wife but as a mother as well. Your daughter needs you no matter what the outcome is. You, of all people, should know what living without a mom is like. You’ve expressed how hard life has been for you, so imagine how Savanah would feel if she had to do the same.”

I didn’t think of things that way. I had always thought Savanah would be better off without me screwing up her life. But I never put into perspective how badly she would be affected if she knew I was alive, unlike my mom, and never went back for her. Knowing Peyton died after having me didn’t help things but I never thought for one minute that she left me. She passed away; therefore, she might have been a great mom. But here I was, leaving my daughter because of all of this and it was wrong. I was wrong. What I needed to do was fix things, no matter how badly it affected me. I had to stop and think of Savanah. That might have always been my intention but losing myself along the way got in the middle of what I needed to do.

I covered my face with my hands and sobbed. Just having someone listen, someone telling me what to do who didn’t know our family, know my history, or our problems was exactly what I needed.

I knew the days ahead weren’t going to be easy, but I had to fight. I deserved to know the truth. Regardless, I deserved that much.

“Can…can you…help me?” I asked, hoping she wouldn’t turn me away. In the last hour, I had made more progress with Dr. Aimee than I had in ten weeks. I finally felt like I might have been getting somewhere.

Dr. Aimee placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “I’ll do everything I can to help you get through this, sweetie. As long as you keep fighting and don’t give up, I have your back.”

**

Over the next two weeks, Dr. Aimee stayed true to her word, helping me get everything in order. She met with her assistants, discussing my case. Caroline and Heidi agreed to help track down Teto, arranging a meeting with me at Dr. Aimee’s office. Teto also agreed to take a DNA test to find out if he was my biological father.

They were also able to get in touch with Anthony. I wasn’t sure how I felt about everything, but I had to remain optimistic, praying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I promised myself the day I met with Dr. Aimee that I wouldn’t give up. I was trying with all I had in me to stay positive, but it was hard. In a couple of days, I would have my answers. And either way it went, the final outcome could make or break me. But I had to get to the root of the problem. I had to fight for my family. When it was all said and done, I would be able to visit with my grandparents and be happy this time, not unsettled like the last. I could let them in my heart and not feel ashamed or angry at what Peyton left me to deal with on my own. I knew she didn’t ask to die, but a part of me wished I could have blamed her for this. I guess it always felt better to put things off on others than dealing with it on your own.

Starting today, I was going to stand tall and not back down. I only prayed my mind would stop racing and for once, maybe I could finally come out on top. I was tired of living in pain.