Love and Respect (13 page)

Admittedly, this takes guts. One man told me:

I see my wife’s anger and hate for me, and at times I just don’t know how to deal with this. . . . I know that she is not asking for a lot, but I have never really been good at communicating with her and don’t know how to start and then continue doing it. I am tired of fighting with her, and many times I avoid communicating so that it does not escalate into an argument. She perceives my lack of communication as not caring or being dishonest with her. I just don’t know why it comes so hard for me to do.

Another husband put it this way:

Our disagreements are centered on her emotional outbursts and my lack of emotion. I love my wife and consider myself emotional about her. However, I try not to allow emotion to control me. I believe love is expressed with actions and not with reactions. . . . I do love the emotion my wife has, and I know God has us together to love and respect each other as we seek to glorify Him, but I struggle when my wife justifies her behavior as an uncontrollable emotional reaction. I’m not looking for something to condemn her with; instead, I would like to handle this.

To both these husbands I say, “Gentlemen, it is true you are not designed by God to enjoy contempt, but He does call you to take the hit.”

In his extensive research on marriages, Dr. John Gottman concluded that it was very effective when a husband could embrace his wife’s anger. He advised men
not
to avoid conflict if they want to make their marriages work
.
To sidestep the problem, to leave the conflict unresolved, would only upset the wife more. The husband must always remember that the wife must talk about what’s eating her. As she vents her feelings, she believes she is keeping the marriage healthy and helping the relationship work more smoothly. She is not trying to attack her husband personally. “If you stay with her through this discomfort, and listen to her criticisms,” says Gottman, “she will calm down. If you stonewall, she’ll be edgy and may escalate the conflict.”
¹

My suggestion to fellow husbands is: instead of running from your wife, will you move toward her or let her move toward you, firing her venomous little darts as she comes? If you’re ready to take the hit, you can stop the craziness. After she vents, you can lovingly say, “Honey, I love you. I don’t want this. When you talk this way, I know you’re feeling unloved. Let’s work on this. I want to come across more lovingly, and I hope you would like to come across more respectfully.” (For more ideas, see appendices A, B, and C.)

THE HUSBAND WHO NEVER STOPPED LOVING

One of the most striking examples of a husband who never stopped engaging his wife, even as she tried to deal their marriage a deathblow, came to me in an e-mail written by the wife after she and her husband had traveled six hundred miles to attend one of our conferences. When they arrived at the conference, their marriage was held together by a tattered thread. They both agreed it was the best conference they had ever attended, but they went back home with the wife still feeling very negative about the marriage. She was still tired of her life and her husband. But her husband wouldn’t give up, and the rest of her e-mail tells the story:

“Suppose you love those who love you. Should anyone praise you for that? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them”(Luke 6:32 NIRV).

We are still together today because, for the past few months, he has done exactly what you talked about at your conference concerning “His Love Regardless of Her Respect.” He loved me when I was not lovable at all and held on to our marriage and his family, when there was absolutely NOTHING to hold on to.

This past October I asked him to please leave the house. I wanted to be alone, I wanted space, and I just felt like I didn’t love him anymore. Reluctantly, he left for a couple of weeks. . . . I knew that my life and the life of the girls would drastically change with a divorce. I thought about the shared visitation and how we would also have to sell our home, which we recently finished remodeling, but I didn’t care, I just wanted out! [Meanwhile] he prayed, studied marriage books and tapes, and made a decision to love me no matter what.

The girls were really starting to miss him not being around, so we decided he would return home “until further notice.” Well, he would hold my hand every night and pray for me and for our marriage, as I stared up at the ceiling anxiously waiting for him to finish. He would leave little notes, or a little flower on the bathroom mirror or in my car. So many little things he would do to show me that he loved me and wasn’t going to let this marriage end easily.

It just irritated me. I thought,
Can’t he understand that I don’t love him, that I don’t want to be with him anymore? Why is he trying so hard?
I didn’t feel that high “in love” feeling for him anymore. My needs weren’t being met so I wanted out—very selfish and immature. . . .

I was emotionally going through something that neither of us really understood, but he stayed there and loved me through it. I’ll spare you all the little extra details, but I eventually broke. No woman in her right mind could let go of that much love and commitment.

[Now] I am very much in love with my husband. I’ve learned that love is not a feeling, it’s a choice, a commitment. We didn’t become a statistic because my husband chose to love me no matter what my reaction toward him would be. It’s really humbling to look back and see how loving and patient he was with me (trust me, it wasn’t easy) and how he, only through the strength of Christ, saved our marriage. I can’t say we’re completely out of the tunnel yet, but we are certainly very close.

There is really little to add to this woman’s story except, “Amen.” Her husband understood, even when it seemed there was no way to understand. Her husband engaged her even when she would roll her eyes to the ceiling as he prayed (talk about disrespect, not to mention irreverence). The bottom line is, he won the game—
they
won the game —and they are together today because he was willing to do whatever it took to stop the Crazy Cycle. Then she finally got the message and wanted to stop it too.

No matter how desperate or hopeless a marriage may seem, if husband and wife both have basic goodwill in their hearts, they can stop the Crazy Cycle. But like the husband who never gave up, they have to be willing to do whatever it takes. In saying “do whatever it takes,” I mean winning within the boundaries of “the law of Christ” (1 Corinthians 9:21). Christ’s law may mean constant giving and forgiving: “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8; Matthew 5:38-46). But Christ’s law may also mean turning someone away from “a multitude of sins” (James 5:20; Matthew 18:15). Love must be tough. To know which approach to take in your marriage, seek godly, wise counsel.

Of course, doing whatever it takes can take you where you may not want to go. As I counsel couples and conduct seminars, I continually find wives who have been so hurt and even abused that they don’t think they can forgive their husbands. And I find husbands who just don’t know what to do when she won’t forgive. They keep saying to themselves that they’ve blown it again. And they eventually start thinking,
Could anybody live with this woman? I’m certainly not having much luck.
We’ll look at these two concerns in chapter 7.

CHAPTER SEVEN
SHE THINKS SHE CAN’T FORGIVE
HIM; HE SAYS, “NOBODY CAN
LOVE THAT WOMAN! ”

M
any a wife is so beaten down by the unloving harshness of her husband that she simply has no hope. She has tried to forgive him again and again, and he only gets worse. Getting in his face—disrespecting him—seems to be the only way she can survive at all. She would like to stop the Crazy Cycle, but she will forgive him when he asks her for forgiveness and not before! The problem here is that few husbands will ask for forgiveness, particularly if the wife keeps going with her disrespect. The Crazy Cycle will spin and spin some more.

The Bible condemns a husband who is “harsh and evil in his dealings”(1 Samuel 25:3).

There are many books on forgiveness and quite a few Bible verses too. Jesus taught forgiveness, and so did Paul. When Peter asked Jesus if seven times was enough to forgive someone, Jesus replied, “[Not seven times], but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22). In other words, without limit.

Paul may have had Jesus’s words in mind when he wrote, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32).

I freely admit that it’s really not “fair” to ask wives to forgive their unloving husbands. But this isn’t about fairness; it’s about touching his
spirit,
and possibly God will touch him as well. The wife may have been mistreated, but she can influence the situation to take a new course. Can she overlook another unloving remark or thoughtless act? It is easier to forgive when you let go of the belief that your spouse intended evil. The Love and Respect Connection teaches that when the two of you wind up spinning on the Crazy Cycle, your husband did not intend to be unloving any more than you intended to be disrespectful. You reacted because you felt unloved!

If a wife is experiencing marital problems, she is no fool in God’s eyes for trying to “be reconciled to her husband”(1 Corinthians 7:11).

Should a husband be unforgiving of your disrespect when your deepest cry was for love? Ideally, the answer is no. But, because he is human, your husband may react in ways that may be unloving when he feels you are disrespecting him. Why be unforgiving when all he wanted was to feel that you still respected who he is as a human being? He may have been harsh, uncaring, even uncouth, but he did not intend evil.

Some wives may be a bit cynical about what I am saying. From all your past history you just
know
your spouse intended evil—at least a little. But do you really think your husband’s mission is to treat you unlovingly out of an evil heart? Your husband doesn’t get up in the morning thinking,
What can I do to upset her today?
Nor do you awaken with the goal of offending him. Yet we do step on each other’s air hose.

Yes, your husband’s unloving actions or reactions hurt you. But as Paul put it, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13 NIV). Surely, “forgive” includes your husband, so why not move first and be the mature one? When you forgive him for being unloving, you give up your right to hold a grudge and be disrespectful in return. By forgiving, you gain strength and freedom, and, amazingly, in many instances you halt the Crazy Cycle. A wife writes:

I didn’t respect my husband because I came from a family where my mom had divorced twice and my stepdad who raised me was an alcoholic and neither my mother nor my sisters had respect for him. I also didn’t understand that respect was something that my husband needed. He is a very loving person, but he has done some things that have really hurt our marriage and me, and it has been difficult for me to forgive him. . . . I realize now that God focuses on the heart and not on the behavior. Because of this, I have found it easier to forgive my husband. This has set me free.

Jesus said, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7). Do you know why Sarah can readily forgive me for being unloving? My mature wife has accepted by faith that, in the eyes of God, her disrespect is equal to my lack of love. That is what Ephesians 5:33 loudly implies, so she has laid down her stones. She does not feel she has a right to judge me too severely. In turn, her example has profoundly affected me. When she is disrespectful toward me, I don’t hold it against her. Who am I to judge her and overlook my unloving tendencies of anger and lack of servanthood? Forgiveness comes when we see our own unrighteousness. How can we refuse to forgive an offense when we, too, have offended?

Jesus’s words of warning ring loud: “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged. . . . Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:1–3).

As a wife, if you pass judgment on your husband for being unloving, ask yourself:
Am I guilty of being disrespectful?
One wife heard our Love and Respect message and wrote to tell us:

My problem is this . . . I was really getting fired up about changing the way I treat and motivate my husband. But my husband stopped me dead in my tracks with news that he is having an affair and has been thinking of leaving me. My world is shattered. He is unsure if he loves me, but he is unready to decide which direction he is going. I want to embrace God’s principles, but am unsure if it applies to me in this situation. I am looking for some advice on whether a cheating man is in the position to respond and whether I should be trying such a hard thing at this moment.

I replied to the woman’s heart-wrenching situation by pointing out that using Love and Respect principles can and does work with a husband who has done what hers did. “He is in sin,” I said. “He is offending both God and you. There is no question about this, but wives are winning their husbands in exactly this situation. We just met with a couple two weeks ago. She won him back. It can happen and it does happen, and it is worth it.”

Several months later I e-mailed the woman to see how she was doing. She replied:

Emerson, I listened hard to what you said to me. I listened even harder to what the Lord was saying, too. I spent months on my knees just getting through it all. . . .

It is hard to explain the way my heart changed through this experience. I remain profoundly amazed that I have the ability to forgive something so unforgivable. I am astounded at the poise and control God provided me with when I was in the midst of my struggles. . . . I would pray daily and really search my mind for ONE thing to respect about my husband. I despised him. I didn’t think I would be able to find one thing. You gave me ideas, and places to start. So that is where I started. Then as we progressed in counseling, he did his part to reassure me she was gone and there was no further contact between them. . . .