Love and Respect (16 page)

To keep that glow in your wife’s eyes, act on the biblical principles I will describe in the following chapters and your wife will feel loved. That’s connectivity—that’s coupling. You will energize your wife God’s way and see how His way works in the heart of a good-willed woman!

Still a bit dubious? Let’s take a closer look at C-O-U-P-L-E and see. We’ll start with
C
loseness.

CHAPTER NINE
CLOSENESS—SHE WANTS
YOU TO BE CLOSE

I
t is no coincidence that early on in the Bible—in describing the first marriage in human history—there is a living definition of the meaning of closeness. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24 KJV).

When Scripture speaks of “cleaving,” the idea in the Hebrew is to cling, hold, or keep close. Two are joined together face to face, becoming one flesh. Did you know that in all of God’s creation only human beings are sexually intimate face to face? Cleaving, however, is more than sexual. Cleaving also means spiritual and emotional closeness. This is a salient passage for husbands—full of insight. Your wife will feel loved when you move toward her and let her know you want to be close with a look, a touch, or a smile.

In the book of Deuteronomy we find still more about what it means to be close. “When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5). This is a fascinating passage because it shows how well the Israelites understood marriage. Why the whole first year? They knew that the first year of marriage is fundamental. It is important to set the tone for the closeness of the relationship, before the wear and tear of life takes the husband away for periods of time, before they face other problems.

THE FIRST FEW SECONDS SET THE TONE

Spending all of the first year together and never being apart is not feasible for the modern marriage, but you can still set a positive tone each day. When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening. In today’s culture, economics often dictate that husband and wife both work. Your wife may arrive home after you do, but the basic dynamics of closeness still apply.

Remember that she wants to connect. She wants face-to-face involvement. You both have had a long and possibly tough day. If all you want to do is flop on the couch and watch TV while she fixes you a nice dinner, you are missing it big time. This kind of uninvolved behavior will not make your wife feel loved. She will feel loved if you come into the kitchen and help her prepare dinner (even if it’s nothing more than setting the table). Or you could possibly even start dinner before she gets home (what a concept!).

The heart focus of a husband is to be a lover “who sticks closer than a brother”(Proverbs 18:24).

Yet another idea is to sit and talk with her as she gets the meal together. Tell her about your day, and be sure to ask her about hers. She may be busy with children or other duties, but she will be listening, I assure you. What she tends to look for is your desire to “dwell” with her for a short period to discover where her heart is. If she senses you authentically want to connect, this can do more for her than a one-hour discussion. For your wife, face-to-face time is heart-to-heart time. (This is especially true if she is deeply burdened, and the wise husband tries to pick up clues that suggest this might be the case.)

Some husbands might think that spending all of this time in the kitchen is unmanly, but as we have seen in Deuteronomy 24:5, the Hebrew generals did not mock a warrior for being home. In fact, as a man of honor, he was ordered to spend his first year of marriage with his wife. Undoubtedly, a young bridegroom wanted to be out with his comrades fighting the enemy, but as a man of honor he learned to do two things: in the field he did what was respectable, and in the family he did what was loving. He wore his two hats interchangeably and wore them well.

WHAT MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONNECTING

If a husband will adjust his blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids, he will understand that his wife has a need to feel close and connect face to face in a way that he does not. Think about coffee shops across the land where cappuccinos and lattes are sipped and savored. Many of these shops have little round tables with two chairs facing each other. Usually two people are seated at these small tables, leaning forward, face to face, hand under chin, and they are talking. Are these talking people men or women? As a rule, they are women. Women like round tables that place no one at the head in a position of leadership. They like to see eye to eye and connect on a personal level.

I learned about this female need for face-to-face connection from my daughter, Joy, when she was just four years old. One evening I put her to bed, and I lay there with her for a few moments to help her get to sleep. The room was pitch black, and Joy was talking as usual—little Miss Motor-Mouth. Neither of us could see the other in the darkness. As she was talking, suddenly she said, “Daddy, look at me!” Then her little hands reached over and grabbed my face, forcing me to look toward her. Already at this age, even in the dark, she sensed that Daddy wasn’t looking, and if he wasn’t looking, then he wasn’t listening! I cannot recall my sons, Jonathan and David, ever grabbing my face like that and demanding, “Look at me!”

This connectivity is what women look for in any relationship, and especially marriage. When she married you, she thought you would be like her best girlfriend—you would figuratively sit with her at the little round table to talk eye to eye. But that probably didn’t happen. With many husbands, it seldom or never happens.

INVOLVEMENT OR INDEPENDENCE?

Before you take a guilt trip, realize that no man can meet all the emotional needs of a woman. At the same time, perhaps you can start to try to meet some of your wife’s needs by forgoing your tall, cool one, your newspaper, your
SportsCenter.
You can understand what she is doing when she moves toward you, which she normally will do. That’s why she follows you around in the evening (or did when you were first married). It’s her way of showing you she loves you.

A woman in love longs for closeness: “When I found him whom my soul loves; I held on to him and would not let him go” (Song of Solomon 3:4).

One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word
Involvement
at one end and the word
Independence
at the other, as shown below:

Involvement______________________________Independence

In the typical marriage relationship, she leans more toward the “Involvement” side while he leans more toward the “Independence” side. When you get too independent (especially when you stonewall), she does not feel close to you and begins to feel you don’t love her. When she doesn’t give you the space you need, you begin to feel that she’s trying to get too involved and doesn’t respect you. The line illustrates the tension that exists between your basic needs for involvement and independence. Tension is not bad; it is simply there. In fact, it is a necessary part of your relationship. A degree of tension in a marriage is actually one of the things that makes the relationship good (more on that in chapter 12).

The tension between involvement and independence is another illustration of the difference between pink and blue. As a man, you will probably not be able to be as involved with your wife as much as she may like. I am not asking men to become women who sit at tiny tables at cappuccino shops and sip coffee as they share life face to face. You are a man, and your wife loves you for being a man, not a woman. She doesn’t expect you to become feminine, just like her girlfriend. But when you move toward her, when you show her you want to connect in even small ways, watch what happens. This will motivate her. It will energize her—and it will keep your marriage off the Crazy Cycle and on the Energizing Cycle.

Of course, you can always grab tightly onto your brass ring called “Independence.” You can insist on having “your space.” After all, you work hard all week and you deserve a little golf (or fishing or watching a good game on TV). You aren’t going to be the henpecked husband who can never get out with the guys because his wife always has chores or errands she wants him to do.

And besides, you’re not going to move toward her until you get a little more respect, a little more awareness of your need for space and independence. This, of course, does not work, never has worked, never will work. You cannot motivate your spouse to give you what you need by withholding what she really needs. If you do, you are only jumping on the Crazy Cycle. Without love, she’ll react without respect; without respect, you’ll react without love.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks to drawing closer to your wife may be the classic male fear of being so controlled you feel you can’t make a move without checking with her. If you have committed to being a Love and Respect husband, fears that you will be “henpecked” are childish. Genesis 2:24 talks about cleaving and becoming one flesh with your wife. There isn’t a word about being henpecked. Obviously, both of you need some space now and then, and working that y out is part of becoming mature adults who communicate and who try to decode each other’s needs. (See appendix A, page 305.)

A husband is to recognize that “in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman”(1 Corinthians 11:11).

CRAZY CYCLE VERSUS ENERGIZING CYCLE—BATTLE TO THE DEATH

So choose to be an adult. I did, and it worked. I finally understood that to stop the Crazy Cycle and stay on the Energizing Cycle, I had to give Sarah what she really needs. When I did that, a funny thing happened: she became motivated to give me what I really need. To paraphrase the golden rule: “Just as you want your spouse to treat you, treat your spouse in the same way” (see Luke 6:31). There is no neutrality here. In a way, this is war—a battle to the death between the Crazy Cycle and the Energizing Cycle. You can either motivate your wife rightly or you can demoralize her. It’s your choice.

There is an old story about an older couple having dinner in a restaurant. The wife sees another couple about their age sitting in a booth nearby. She sees the husband sitting close to his wife, with his arm around her. He is whispering things in her ear, and she is smiling and blushing. He’s gently rubbing her shoulder and touching her hair.

The woman turns to her husband and says, “Look at the couple over there. Look how close that man is to his wife, how he’s talking to her. Look at how sweet he is. Why don’t you ever do that?”

Her husband looks up from his Caesar salad and glances over at the next booth. Then he turns to his wife and says, “Honey, I don’t even know that woman.”

A wife is always hoping, “Now . . . my husband will be attached to me”(Genesis 29:34 ESV).

An old joke—perhaps even a corny one— but it makes a point about pink and blue. Pink wants closeness; blue is busy with his Caesar salad, anticipating the prime rib to come. Until both adjust their sunglasses and hearing aids, there will be continued tension that will not make a great marriage. A great marriage happens when the tension is dealt with creatively—or when tension is avoided completely by doing a few positive, loving things. This can pay off big time, especially for wives. One woman reported, “My husband has been talking more to me, been more affectionate, and I feel like we have been closer in the past few weeks than we have in years.”

BEING CLOSE COSTS NOTHING—BUT YOUR TIME AND LOVE

Many of the following tips and techniques are the courtesy of my wife, Sarah, who speaks on the Energizing Cycle during one session of every conference we do together. As she compiled her list of ideas to help husbands, Sarah put down things that appealed to her, and she also asked a large number of other women what would make them feel closer to their man. They came up with simple but effective ideas. For example, do you realize the power in just holding her hand? Just the other day I was walking with Sarah and she said, “A woman feels close to her husband and, therefore, feels loved when he holds her hand.” Of course, I immediately took her hand. I’m a quick study.

Or consider the power of a hug. A few years ago, Sarah’s mother and mine died very suddenly within an eleven-month period. She was close to both of these women, and I would often find her standing at the kitchen sink sobbing. All I would do was go up to her and hug her. I said nothing, but I held Sarah until she quit crying. She told me later, “I felt so close to you when you did that.”

Or consider being affectionate without wanting sex. That may sound a little bit like an oxymoron, but it’s true. It’s been said that sexual intimacy often begins at breakfast—or at some other time during the day. Hug her, hold her hand, tell her you love her, tell her how pretty she is. Be affectionate but not sexually aggressive. Touching her and kissing her only when you want sex is usually a turn-off to your wife. She builds up to sex much slower than you do, so through the day keep your advances in the affectionate zone only. When you set the right tone with little encounters during the day or evening, it leads much more naturally and easily to sexual intimacy later.

Remember: be affectionate and attentive every day, not just on days you want sex. Affection should be an end, not a means. Hear what this wife is saying:

He watches
SportsCenter
, but I slow down at 10:00. I want to quiet down and cuddle like we did when first married. However, without the kids, we are two strangers who are not on the same path. This is causing a problem with me being sexually intimate. That is the only time we are close. I need something apart from that.

I’ve just touched on a few examples. See the list below, as well as lists at the end of other chapters in C-O-U-P-L-E. Note that all these suggestions are simple and cost nothing but your time and willingness to be close.