Love and Respect (18 page)

“So guard yourself in spirit.Don’t break your promise to the wife you married when you were young”(Malachi 2:15 NIRV).

I need him to dig deep and shoot straight and be willing to answer from his heart and not from the emotion of anger. It doesn’t work.

Rather than being withdrawn and aloof, my husband has begun to do things I only wished he would have done in the past (i.e., share his heart with me).

Amazing things began to occur. He began to reveal his heart. We actually have conversations rather than monologues.

HOW WILL YOU THEN LIVE WITH THIS SENSITIVE CREATURE?

At this point many a husband might be saying, “Good grief ! I had no idea what I was getting into when I married this sensitive creature.” That’s right, you didn’t; but you should be thankful for your wife’s sensitivity and its many facets. Her sensitivity enables her to stay up all night with the kids when they are sick. Her sensitivity is what drives her to wait on you hand and foot when you’re down with the flu, moaning, groaning, and wanting another Excedrin. Yes, her sensitivity sometimes causes her to feel that you’re closing yourself off from her, that you’re angry with her. You may be tempted to say, “Oh, please don’t be so sensitive,” but better to realize you must take her weaknesses with her strengths.

Every husband must make a decision about his wife’s sensitivity and needs. He can close himself off and refuse to be open, or he can move toward her and connect with her at new levels of openness. One of the simplest yet most effective steps you can take is simply to share your day with her. If you don’t want to talk at that moment, say something like, “Something happened at work today, and maybe we can talk about it later, but right now I would rather not. There is nothing wrong between us.” That last phrase is what she will be looking for. She needs reassurance that your mood has nothing to do with her.

When you do talk, be especially wary of sounding harsh. A man is typically quite forceful in expressing his opinions. You can sound harsh without realizing it. You may not have meant to be harsh, but your wife deflates right before your eyes. As you simply stated the facts and firmly gave your opinion, you clamped down on her air hose.

A few years ago, one of our teenage sons was talking to Sarah in what she considered a very harsh way. She said firmly, “David, please don’t speak to me that way.” According to Sarah, he looked at her as if she were from another planet.

He said, “What do you mean? That’s how I talk to my friends.”

“Guess what?” Sarah replied. “I’m not one of your friends. I’m your mother, and I’m a woman.” So David got a good lesson that day entitled “Why You Shouldn’t Be Harsh 101.” (For more instructions, see appendices A, B, and C.)

And one more thing. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, remember that if you are good-willed and open to your wife emotionally, she will feel close to you and open with you sexually. To put it another way, you must not be open to “get sex.” A wife sees through that and is turned off sexually. But when you authentically meet her emotional needs, she’ll be empathetic to your sexual needs. God has designed marriage to be symbiotic.

You will find more ideas in the list of tips below. But the main thing is to trust your wife’s heart. Open yourself to her, and you will stay off the Crazy Cycle as the Energizing Cycle hums along nicely.

YOUR WIFE FEELS YOU ARE OPEN TO HER WHEN . . .

• you share your feelings, telling about your day and difficulties
.

• you say, “Let’s talk,” ask her what she’s feeling, and ask for her opinions.

• your face shows you want to talk—relaxed body language, good eye contact.

• you take her for a walk to talk and reminisce about how you met or perhaps you talk about the kids and problems she may be having with them.

• you pray with her.

• you give her your full attention . . . no grunting responses while trying to watch TV, read the newspaper, or write e-mails.

• you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes, or ideas for your future.

CHAPTER ELEVEN
UNDERSTANDING—DON’T TRY
TO “FIX” HER; JUST LISTEN

W
e have already touched on 1 Peter 3:7 in chapters 2 and 3, but now we want to look at this verse through a lens labeled “How to Have Empathy for Your Wife.” Peter advises husbands, “Live with your wives in an understanding way.” I love this verse because Peter doesn’t say that I have to understand Sarah. Like every other male, I know that I cannot totally understand any woman, even the one I love with all my heart. The key is for me to come across as wanting to live with Sarah in an understanding way, and, even more, I want her to know that I trust her heart.

I realize that 1 Peter 3:7 is a controversial verse for some because the complete passage says that husbands should live with their wives in an understanding way “ . . . as unto the weaker vessel” (KJV). Feminists bristle at that one and claim, “The man is not the stronger sex. We’re equal!” What we must remember, however, is that Peter makes a comparative statement, not a qualitative one. He is not saying that women are weak. He is saying that a wife is a “weaker vessel” because of her vulnerability to her husband within the marriage relationship.

Your wife is vulnerable to you in at least two areas: (1) when you say things such as, “I just don’t understand you . . . I wonder if it’s worth it to try?” and (2) when you dishonor her by treating her as less than an equal “fellow heir of the grace of life” (see 1 Peter 3:7). Feminists try to use this verse to say the Bible declares women are the weaker sex. What Peter is saying is that a wife is vulnerable to her husband (not that all women are weaker than all men); and when you, her husband, do not seek to understand her, she is very vulnerable, indeed.

One grateful wife of an understanding husband wrote to tell me, “Even when I have rebelled against his leading, he understands and accepts me, and does not hold a grudge against me.”

One way to look at the phrase “weaker vessel” is to think of two bowls: one made of porcelain; the other made of copper. The husband is copper; the wife is porcelain. It’s not that she is of less value—in fact, a porcelain bowl can sometimes have greater value than a copper bowl. The bowls are different and have different functions in different settings.

But your wife—the porcelain bowl—is delicate. She can be cracked, even broken if you are not careful. In the heat of frustration, a husband might say, “Nobody can understand women—particularly you.” And at this point he might turn around and go off somewhere to stonewall for a while, vowing to himself not to kowtow to her controlling manner until she starts respecting him.

If you’ve been in a situation like this and then uttered unfortunate words along these lines, you might want to look down and notice the holes in your shoes. You just shot yourself in both feet—again. God has not made your wife to function around that kind of attitude. God is calling husbands to realize that their wives are porcelain bowls on which He has placed a clearly legible sign, “Handle with Care.”

One husband finally realized his wife was his ally, not his enemy. He saw her as the kind of woman Peter describes, delicate and worthy of honor. In accepting her and appreciating her, the whole relationship began to shift. He said:

We are on a new plateau of understanding each other. I used to pray over and over, “God, please heal our marriage, the pain is too much. Why did You ever put us together?” Now I am VERY thankful He did! My wife is my match in every way, before I could not see it. A HUGE burden has been lifted . . .

I am not the same.

THE C-O-U-P-L-E PRINCIPLES ARE CONNECTED

Perhaps you have been noticing the connection in the principles that are represented by the letters of the word
C-O-U-P-L-E.
C
loseness and
O
penness are very similar, and one plays off the other. And
U
nderstanding plays off of closeness and openness. As you draw close to your wife and are open with her, she will sense that you understand or at least you are trying to. Remember, the husband is the Christ figure; the woman is the church figure. And as a church places its burden on Christ, a wife wants to place her burdens on her husband. Even if she can’t articulate it in these words, your wife thinks of you as that burden bearer—as having those big shoulders. When she comes to you for understanding, it is a compliment. This is a big part of what love is all about. But when you shut her out, close her down, or don’t seem to hear what she is trying to say, it devastates her spirit.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her”

(Ephesians 5:25).

TO UNDERSTAND, JUST LISTEN

How can you be an understanding husband? The most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

But because his hearing aids are blue, a husband has a major hurdle. To “just listen” is usually not his strong suit. He is better built to analyze, give answers, and “fix” the situation. The unaware husband doesn’t readily decode the messages his wife is sending when she comes to him with her problems. One vivid example is when Sarah and I were first dating at Wheaton College. She was taking Spanish and wasn’t doing very well. As we sat in the library one day, she started telling me her troubles with her Spanish class. I listened carefully as she poured out her problems, then I said, “Okay, I’ll start working on this. The solution is in creating a study calendar. We break your lessons up into little pieces, and each day you study a small chunk.”

Then and there at the library study table, I busied myself laying out a study schedule for Sarah. In a few minutes I had the schedule complete. I looked up, and Sarah was nowhere to be found. I glanced across the library and saw her laughing heartily with her girlfriends, having a good time. Unsure of what was going on, I wondered to myself,
Did I somehow solve her problem already?

So I caught Sarah’s eye and motioned her over. She came quickly and sat down with a happy look on her face. “Did I solve your Spanish problem?” I asked.

“Oh, no, not really.”

“Then why are you happy?” I asked.

“I just needed somebody to listen to me,” Sarah said with a big smile. “Now I feel better.”

Somehow I had managed to give Sarah just what she wanted—an understanding ear. Of course, I went on to try to “fix her problem,” but by the time I had started on that she already felt better. You might say I lucked out on that one. Later there were other situations after we were engaged and then married where I was guilty of wanting to fix more than listen, and I heard about it.

The dynamic that was at work that day in the library when I listened to Sarah pour out her Spanish problems is a very powerful one. The truth is, I really didn’t have to fix her problem; all she really wanted was my listening ear. (I learned that Sarah has needs that I do not have, and that is okay. Also, she has learned that I have needs she does not have, and that is okay with her!) As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding. Not only that, but it will save a lot of time, trouble, and turns on the Crazy Cycle.

“DO YOU NEED A SOLUTION . . . OR MY EAR? ”

Over the years I have had my ups and downs with being a good listener, but I have learned when Sarah comes to me with a burden, I ask two questions. The first question is, “Am I in trouble?” The answer to this is usually, “No, no, no.”

My second question is really the more important one. “Do you need a solution or a listening ear?”

Then Sarah can say, and she usually does, “I just need you to listen.”

So I listen. After Sarah has shared her problem, big or small, she feels better. She goes away feeling understood and loved. The Energizing Cycle is humming.

But in counseling situations and at our conferences, I meet many husbands who don’t “get it.” In fact, trying to fix instead of listen is often a big point of conflict in the marriage. These husbands are still operating with strictly blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids. They are coming at problems like men.

At times one man comes to another with his problem. Instinctively, Harry knows that Joe is not approaching him so he can “release his emotions.” He knows Joe isn’t hoping that he will just “listen to him.” (Only when a man is in a really major crisis will he want someone to just listen because he is absolutely at the end of his tether.) But 95 to 98 percent of the time one man comes to another to share his problem because he would like some help. So Harry says, “Well, have you tried this?” and he lays out a possible solution.

“That’s a good idea,” says Joe. “Thanks a lot.”

The wise husband is “quick to listen, slow to speak”(James 1:19 NIV).

Men, you see, believe they help others by solving their problems. It is well known that men and women score differently on tests. He is high in analytical aptitude; she is high on verbal aptitude. He tends to think in terms of analysis, and that is the way he processes things. (More on this in chapter 19, covering the husband’s
I
nsight.)

And so, after helping Joe out, Harry might go home, where his wife approaches him with a problem. Because he had such good luck with Joe, Harry tries to solve her problem, only to hear, “Will you quit trying to fix me and just try to listen?” Being a typical male, Harry doesn’t like this response much. He can’t believe his wife can be so disrespectful and ungrateful. After all, he was only trying to help. But it’s at this point that Harry needs to pull back. He needs to learn the line: “Honey, do you need a solution or do you just want me to listen?”

This isn’t natural, but I guarantee it is effective. One thing to remember is that when a wife comes to a husband with her problem, she isn’t coming because she wants him to solve it. In fact, in many cases she knows exactly what she needs to do. But she’s coming to share, to feel understood, to communicate at an entirely different level. Men tend to communicate for one reason only: to exchange information. They wonder, “Why else would you want to communicate? Get to the facts. Share opinions. Come to some conclusions. What else is there?”