Love and Respect (20 page)

“No way,” he said in bewilderment. But it’s true because this is how a woman’s mind works. During a conflict, the woman’s approach to solving that conflict is very different from how the man resolves conflict. As discussed in chapter 4, two women who are good friends will get into a serious disagreement, but later—perhaps the next day or perhaps in half an hour—they will resolve it as each one states her side. They get it all out on the table and finally ask each other for forgiveness. The problem is that the typical wife will go home and try to use this same approach to resolving conflict with her husband. But it doesn’t work. Why? Because the typical male resolves conflict without a lot of discussion, sharing of feelings, or apologies.

Some men might apologize to one another, but as a rule it’s just sort of taken for granted that they will “just drop it,” and they do. So when a husband is approached by a wife who wants to resolve a conflict by sharing feelings and coming “full circle” to a resolution, he balks. Halfway around her circle the husband says, “Drop it. Just forget it. It’s over with.” But the problem with that is, she won’t believe him. In her mind, she knows it’s not over. She knows she will bring it up again because she’s still sitting on the whole thing. She is so dominated by the drive to love that it is difficult for her to believe that her husband could process it any other way than she processes it.

Here’s what happens. When you shut down a discussion by saying, “Just drop it,” your wife is likely to think you’re still secretly angry with her and that this thing is really unresolved. Without any resolution, it will be very difficult for her to be happy. This letter catches the frustration a wife can have:

Inside I continue to die, because I am so unaware of how to let the Lord restore this relationship. My husband has told me on more than one occasion that we are unusual in our love for each other. Most people do not know the intimacy we have at times. But the patterns of arguments . . . and not ever really feeling reconciled are taking a toll on me.

For any husband who wants fewer ongoing arguments, the path to peace is plain. He must learn to simply say, “Honey, I’m sorry. Will you forgive me? I did not mean to do that.” Do this, even if in your mind most of the guilt or blame is hers. The percentage of guilt is not the issue. As always, the real issue is love and respect.

WHY IT’S HARD FOR A MAN TO SAY, “I’M SORRY”

As a husband, I want to share with all husbands that I understand why it’s hard to say, “I’m sorry.” When a woman says, “I’m sorry,” to her it’s an increase of love. But when a man says, “I’m sorry,” he fears that he will lose respect. This is especially true if he says he’s sorry for something and then his wife brings it up again because she isn’t convinced he means it. She simply thinks the issue is not resolved and it must be discussed some more; but he thinks she has just violated his honor code. For him, going over it again is a lot more serious.

“To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit” (1 Peter 3:8).

It is easy enough, of course, to just accuse the male of being “proud.” I am not saying that there is not some element of pride involved here. But mixed in with male pride is a deep sense of honor and wanting respect. To all husbands I want to say, I’ve been there. I have had to push through and say to Sarah, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” And when I finally convinced her that I meant it, it healed her spirit. Those simple words put her at peace.

A wife can be extremely upset, but if a husband humbly expresses sorrow for what he did, she melts. I don’t think very many men grasp this. A wife wrote me about a fight she had with her husband earlier in the evening. It was silly. In fact, at one point they had talked about kissing and they ended up fighting. She went to bed, and he came later: “I laid there for a while and then out of the blue he said (facing the wall), ‘I’m sorry, and if you still want that kiss, you can have it.’ And I fell in love with him all over again. Needless to say, we weren’t fighting any more.”

As a husband, hear this woman’s language: “I fell in love with him all over again.” A wife has a wide range of emotions—highs and lows. You can energize her toward the high end of the spectrum by doing just what this husband did.

Still not sure about how to make peace with your wife? Following are some good techniques and principles, which correlate with Scripture.

First, have absolute confidence in the power of your loving demeanor
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To paraphrase Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle, loving answer turns away wrath, especially your wife’s.” When you show a loving demeanor during a conflict of any kind, you are likely to touch the deepest part of her heart. Your loving attitude triggers something within her heart as a woman. God made her this way. Bottom line, she reciprocates. A husband cannot outgive a good-willed wife. But when you “give in,” be sure you mean it. If she detects insincerity on your part, you’re probably due for another spin on the Crazy Cycle (see page 5).

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men”(Romans 12:18).

Granted, a husband can ask, “What if I keep loving and keep giving in and still feel disrespected? What should I do?” At this point you have earned the right to say, “I am seeking to give in to you and to be loving, but I am feeling disrespected. What am I saying to you that is unloving?” Good-willed women tend to respond to reasonable, loving, honest requests and will seek ways to be more deferential. If your wife did not “see it” the first time, she will very likely see it the second time.

Second, you will make peace with her when you don’t blame her but, instead, confess your part of the blame (see James 5:16). I have said it already, but I repeat for emphasis: admit when you are wrong and apologize by saying, “I’m sorry.” That is a big turn-on for a woman, but an even bigger turn-on is to add, “I think I really understand your feelings and why you react as you do. Will you forgive me?”

One more thing about confessing: Your motive should never be to confess so she will admit she was wrong, too, but often that is exactly what happens. Women are wired for “equality.” For example, she doesn’t like feeling inferior or in the wrong, but neither does she want you to feel you’re inferior or in the wrong. After you confess, my prediction is that she will quickly say, “It’s not all your fault. Actually, it’s me too. In fact, it may be more me. I am sorry for what I did. Will you forgive me?” She will meet you halfway almost every time. This is peacemaking in a woman’s world.

“Put yourselves under God’s mighty hand.Then he will honor you at the right time”(1 Peter 5:6 NIRV).

Some men think,
Why bother with all this “I’m sorry” stuff ? They’re just words.
You must understand that words are very powerful to your wife. Remember, although she may not be consciously thinking it, you are the Christ figure to her. God has instilled that in her. If you utter sincere words of apology, forgiveness, and love, she will trust those words and trust you. It can heal the whole thing, and you will be joined together, in a sense, as soul mates, “no longer two, but one” (see Matthew 19:6). You will experience the harmony and connectivity that God intended for marriage.
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(Also see appendix A and B.)

Peacemaking can be difficult, but it is always worth it. It’s ironic that a lot of men work out in the weight room, trying to make themselves look like Mr. Universe because they think that women get turned on to a hard body the way men are turned on to a female in a bikini. But it doesn’t work that way. What turns her on is personality. Oddly enough, one of the things that really turns her on is saying in genuine humility, “I am sorry. Please forgive me.” This touches her spirit so much that she may want to grab your hand and drag you to the bedroom. Now that seems like a pretty good deal worth any possible loss of respect. I’m not saying it works for every husband, but it has been known to work for many. I had a man come up to me after one of our marriage conference sessions and say, “You know, this saying ‘I’m sorry’ really works. This week I’ve said ‘I’m sorry’ eighty-four times!”

SHE’LL FEEL AT PEACE WITH YOU WHEN . . .

• you let her vent her frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

• you admit you are wrong and apologize by saying, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

• you understand her natural desire to negotiate, compromise, and defer, and you meet her halfway.

• you try to keep your relationship “up-to-date,” resolving the unresolved and never saying, “Forget it.”

• you forgive her for any wrongs she confesses.

• you never nurse bitterness and always reassure her of your love.

• you pray with her after a hurtful time.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN
LOYALTY—SHE NEEDS TO
KNOW YOU’RE COMMITTED

I
t happens in almost every marriage. Wanting reassurance about his love, she asks, “How much do you love me? Will you love me when I’m old and gray? If I’m an invalid? What if I get Alzheimer’s?”

There are two ways a husband can go with this question. The wrong way leads straight back to the Crazy Cycle, and it involves having a little fun at your wife’s expense. You’re just kidding, of course, so you say, “What’s the matter? Afraid I’ll trade you in for a new model? Don’t be silly, I plan to keep you around . . . at least for a while.”

A wife may know that her husband is just kidding when he says things like this, but the big, dumb buck is stepping on her air hose, nonetheless. When she asks, “Do you love me?” she’s not asking for information; she’s asking for reassurance.

A woman always likes to hear her husband exclaim, “You alone are ‘my love’ ”(Song of Solomon 2:10 KJV).

The much smarter and wiser answer to her question is, “Of course I love you, and we’regoing to get old and gray together.” Then she’ll probably ask, “Why?” or “What is it that you love about me?” She wants to draw this out of you because reassurance of your love energizes her.

A wife
must
have reassurance. As one wife writes:

We have a wonderful marriage and friendship, yet we find ourselves on the Crazy Cycle in our hectic lives, and the info we gained at your conference has given us a new understanding of one another. I had been trying to explain the times when I felt “emotionally disconnected” from him. Now he finally understands. . . . We are able to talk now, and when I say I feel disconnected he says, “I am sorry and I don’t want you to feel that way.” We both walked away with a feeling of confidence knowing that we both have a commitment to the Lord first [and then to each other]. We feel very lucky and blessed. . . . I guess I just feel like I have a renewed relationship with my husband.

SHE’S A ONE-MAN WOMAN, AND HE’S . . . ?

Your wife knows she’s a one-man woman, that she’s committed to you, but she may wonder at times if you are a one-woman man. It’s perfectly natural for a wife to think this, particularly when she sees her husband being attracted by some beautiful female walking by or on TV. She takes this as a possibility that he might be unfaithful to her. To be candid, she is insecure in this area and she needs reassurance, not jokes and teasing.

Every woman wants her husband to be “faithful to his wife”(Titus 1:6 NIRV).

Let’s look at the other side of the coin.

Suppose your wife came home and said, “Do you know that Dave Smith down the street just got his third promotion? Well, my good friend, Marge, works in his office and she says people stop at his desk all the time to get counsel. The word is that he’s a real man’s man. You know he runs marathons—and lifts weights at his health club. He’s making excellent money and spends a lot of it on his wife and kids. When are you going to start working out and getting rid of that potbelly? And when is your next promotion coming up? We could sure use some more money around here.”

Now, that speech is more than overstated, but you get the idea. If your wife said anything along those lines, it wouldn’t make you feel good. In fact, depending on the kind of day or week you’ve had, you might be devastated.

IT’S A “SWIMSUIT ISSUE” WORLD

Have you ever thought about how difficult it is for a wife in today’s sex-happy, pornography-riddled, “swimsuit issue” world? The way in which she looks at that world through her pink sunglasses is much different than the way you look at it through your blue ones. That is why Job had the right idea: “I made an agreement with my eyes. I promised not to look at another woman with sexual longing (Job 3:11 NIRV). Job recognized that “sinful people are destroyed. Trouble comes to those who do what is wrong” (Job 31:3 NIRV). Job understood the impact of his actions, not only on his spiritual life but also on his relationship to his wife.

The phrase “Drink water from your own well” (Proverbs 5:15 NIRV) means be faithful to your own wife.

All husbands might learn from Job at this point. When a woman senses that her husband has made a covenant with God and that he’s trying to make Jesus the Lord of his life in every area, including his marriage, she feels more secure. When she is assured of her husband’s love and loyalty, she is energized and motivated. This is the way God has made her, and this is why the covenant of marriage is based upon loyalty—until death do you part.

Your wife feels so deeply what the lover in Song of Solomon expressed: “Keep me close to yourself like the ring on your finger” (8:6 NIRV). The custom of giving each other a ring during your wedding ceremony captures the idea behind this verse. And, oh, the symbolism of that ring to a woman! The ring tells her she is loved and no longer alone! There is one person in the world who will be loyal to her—for life, not “until divorce do you part.”

Many men do not wear wedding rings because of the kind of job they do, because they engage in sports, or because they have put on a few pounds through the years and the ring no longer fits. But a ring that no longer fits can be enlarged, or you can purchase another one for a few dollars. Rings don’t cost that much, and even if you have to take it off now and then while at work or playing a game, you can always slip it right back on. A wedding ring is a sign of loyalty. No husband should leave home without one.