Love and Respect (21 page)

And while you are sure to wear a wedding ring, also be sure to never bring up the “D” word, even in jest. The word
divorce
does not make your wife feel secure, no matter what the context. Why start slipping back toward the Crazy Cycle? Do everything you can to let your wife know you are committed to her for as long as you both shall live.

ARE YOU BEING AS LOYAL AS YOU COULD BE?

“Don’t break your promise to the wife you marrried when you were young.‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God of Israel”(Malachi 2:15–16 NIRV).

Malachi 2:14–15 is a helpful reminder of how God feels about marital loyalty. In this passage the prophet is confronting the Israelites for breaking their marriage bonds rather freely. Divorce was rampant, and that’s why Malachi said that “the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and wife by covenant. . . . Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.”

At this point you may be saying, “Emerson, aren’t you pushing it a little bit? I may need some help with being as loving as I should be, but I’m not ‘dealing treacherously with my wife.’ ”

I’m not saying that you or any other good-willed husband are being treacherous toward your wife. This passage from Malachi, however, is a good reminder to do some self-evaluation. What is going on in your spirit? What are you feeling for your wife? Are you being open and understanding? Are you being as loyal to her as you could be?

It’s no coincidence that the very first words Malachi uses as he goes on to verse 16 are: “ ‘For I hate divorce!’ says the LORD, the God of Israel.” Malachi is describing a situation that began with the Crazy Cycle. The Israelites knew nothing about that term, but they were on the Crazy Cycle nonetheless. That’s why I’m urging you to stay open and on the Energizing Cycle (see page 115) in order to avoid all the craziness you can. Remember, without love, she reacts. And a big part of being loving is to be loyal in every way.

One of the finest examples of a loyal husband I have found is the story of Robertson McQuilkin, who left his position as president of Columbia Bible College and Seminary
¹
after twenty-two years because his wife had developed Alzheimer’s disease. The disease had progressed to the point where his wife simply could not stand having him gone, even for a few hours. She would actually think he was “lost” and would go in search of him after he left home for work.

“Many claim to have love that never fails.But who can find a faithful man?”(Proverbs 20:6 NIRV).

It was clear to McQuilkin that his wife now needed him full time. His decision was difficult, but in a way it was simple. He said, “The decision was made in a way forty-two years ago when I promised to care for Muriel in sickness and in health ‘til death do us part.’ ”
²
McQuilkin went on to say that he wanted to be a man of his word, and he also wanted to be fair. His wife had cared for him sacrificially during all of those forty-two years, and if he cared for her for the next forty years, he still would not be out of her debt.

“All of you should honor marriage. You should keep the marriage bed pure” (Hebrews 13:4 NIRV).

For McQuilkin, this simple decision was the only option for him, but there was more to it than just keeping a promise and being fair. “As I watch her brave descent into oblivion, Muriel is the joy of my life,” he said. “Daily I discern new manifestations of the kind of person she is; the wife I always loved.”
³

McQuilkin wrote a book about his experience,
A Promise Kept
, and in it he mentioned how startled he was by the response to his resignation as president of Columbia Bible College and Seminary to care for his wife. Husbands and wives renewed marriage vows. Pastors told his story during sermons. It was all a mystery to him until a distinguished oncologist, who dealt constantly with dying people, told him, “Almost all women stand by their men; very few men stand by their women.”

WHY YOU SHOULD BE ESPECIALLY GOOD TO YOUR DAUGHTERS

That all women stand by their men and few men stand by their women is obviously a generalization. There are always exceptions, and Robertson McQuilkin is an incredible example. But the reasoning behind this rule of thumb is that women are much more the natural caretakers than men. There is an old saying, “Be good to your sons, but be especially good to your daughters.” Why? Because if you become a widower and infirm in your old age, it is your daughter who will do everything in her power to convince her own husband to move into the area where you live so she can be near you to take care of you. This kind of loyalty is part of a woman’s spirit.

When your wife becomes a bit insecure and moves toward you with questions about how much you love her or why you love her or if you will ever leave her, you might feel it’s some kind of trap. You may think you’re being set up so she can condemn you and show you disrespect if you hesitate with your answer. But that’s not it at all. She moves toward you in that fashion because she is loyal to you and needs reassurance of your loyalty to her.

You may have heard this old joke. A group of men were golfing one day and four of them were on the eighteenth tee, ready to tee off. Just then a funeral procession went by, and one of the men stood up straight, took off his hat, and put it over his heart. His golf buddies were stunned. Someone said, “We’ve never seen anyone ready to tee off and then stop to put his hat over his heart to honor a funeral procession. That’s amazing.”

The man answered, “Yeah, she was a great woman. We were married forty-three years.”

Play golf or attend your wife’s funeral? Absurd, of course, and possibly funny to a group of men. But I guarantee that your wife will not think this joke is any funnier than being teased about “being turned in for a new model.” She is not built to appreciate that kind of humor. She is so constructed that she appreciates loyalty and commitment. Assuring her of that will keep you both on the Energizing Cycle.

SHE IS ASSURED OF YOUR LOYALTY WHEN . . .

• you speak highly of her in front of others.

• you are involved in things important to her.

• you help her make decisions, such as ones regarding the children.

• you don’t correct her in front of the children.

• you don’t look lustfully at other women.

• you make her and your marriage a priority.

• you are never critical of her or your children in front of others.

• you include her in social gatherings when others may leave their spouses home.

• you tell the kids, “Don’t speak to your mother that way!”

• you call and let her know your plans.

• you keep commitments.

• you speak positively of her and the children at all times.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN
ESTEEM—SHE WANTS YOU TO
HONOR AND CHERISH HER

O
ver the years, many men have come to me and said, “You know, Pastor, my prayer life isn’t what it should be.”

I respond, “How are you treating your wife?”

“No, no,” the husband hastens to explain. “My prayer life isn’t where it ought to be.”

“How are you treating your wife?”

“No, no, Pastor, I’m saying my prayer life; I’m not talking about my wife.”

I smile and say, “I
am
talking about your wife.”

In part 1, we talked about scriptural reasons that husbands are to value their wives as equals. The major passage we looked at was 1 Peter 3:7, which tells husbands to live in an understanding way with their wives, “ . . . and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.” Tucked into 1 Peter 3:7 is one more phrase that every husband should

yheed. Peter adds that the reason the husband should treat his wife in an understanding way, as a fellow heir in Christ, is so that his “prayers will not be hindered.” That is why I would often tell men who came to see me for counsel that, if heaven seemed silent to their prayers, perhaps they were not honoring their wives as God intended.

ORD looks with favor on those who are godly. His ears are open to their cry”(Psalm 34:15 NIRV).

These men were sure they were doing all the right things, walking in integrity, and serving the Lord, but when they prayed, the heavens seemed as brass. They kept wondering, “God, why aren’t You hearing me?” And as we probed a little deeper, we often saw that the answer for these men was that they weren’t living with their wives in an understanding way that honored and esteemed them. As soon as these men started obeying Scripture, their prayer life improved.

THE C-O-U-P-L-E PRINCIPLES ARE CONNECTED

In a very real sense, the C-O-U-P-L-E acronym is a commentary on the best way to show respect to a wife. The best way to respect or honor a wife is through your
C
loseness,
O
penness,
U
nderstanding,
P
eace-making,
L
oyalty, and now
E
—for
E
steem. A wife who is esteemed will not sing Aretha Franklin’s refrain, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T.” Scripture speaks of how a man should esteem and cherish his beloved. “How beautiful and how delightful you are, My love, with all your charms!” (Song of Solomon 7:6). A husband is to be one who “cherishes” his wife (Ephesians 5:29).

In the well-known passage of Proverbs 31, verses 28-29 say, “Her children stand up and call her blessed. Her husband also rises up, and he praises her. He says, ‘Many women do noble things. But you are better than all the others’” (NIRV).

God has made women so that they want to be esteemed, honored, and respected. The way to honor your wife, as well as to honor your covenant with God, is to treasure her. When I say your wife wants “honor” (respect), it is a different kind of honor from what you seek as a man. For her, respect is a part of love. Probably the only time you will ever hear her say, “You don’t respect me!” is when you dismiss her opinion. Actually, her exact words might be: “I know you don’t love me because you don’t even respect me!”

Respect, honor, and esteem are not qualities in and of themselves for your wife; they are components of the love she wants from you. To put it another way, love has many parts, and we are looking at six of them here with the acronym C-O-U-P-L-E. In chapters 15 and following, we will talk about how a wife spells respect to her husband with the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S. Something in his nature feels called to “chair” the relationship. He does not feel this in the sense of “being superior.” He simply feels responsible to protect her and to die for her. God has made husbands this way, and they feel this responsibility equally.

The biblical view is that a wife does not feel called to die for her husband as he feels called to die for her. In Ephesians 5, the husband is the Christ figure; Christ died for the church. The wife is the church figure, and her husband is to die for her. Your wife does not want to chair the relationship, but she does want to be first in importance to you. This is what Peter means by “show her honor” (1 Peter 3:7). Your wife wants to know that you have her on your mind and heart
first and foremost
. This is what I mean by “esteem”; when it’s there, your wife will feel treasured as if she’s the most loved woman on earth. Also, she will want to respect you in a similar way that the church reverences Christ. Remember that your love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates your love!

OUR KIDS OFTEN MADE SARAH FEEL LIKE A FAILURE

On many occasions while our children were growing up, Sarah would get discouraged with her mothering role. When the kids got into trouble, caused trouble, or were just plain trouble, as kids can be, she felt inadequate, and that flowed into self-depreciation. She would say, “I feel like such a failure.” When our kids were very young, I used to ignore Sarah’s complaints or play them down as “no big deal.”

But as our two sons and daughter got into the teenage years, I began understanding what Sarah wanted when she came to me to say she felt like a failure or that she was “no good” as a mom. She wanted reassurance that I believed in her and the course she was taking in her role as a mother. She just wanted to know if I had confidence in the decisions she was making or was I second-guessing her. I continually let her know that I valued her efforts and commitment and that I prized her and the part she played in my life as well as in the lives of the children. I knew I could not do her job, and I often told her so.

The Love and Respect Connection can help you have an enjoyable, healthy, meaningful marriage relationship. Life, however, will never be totally perfect. When Adam and Eve fell in the Garden, sin became the universal problem for all of us (see Genesis 3; Romans 5:12–20). Tension, conflict, and problems will occur, and you must be prepared to deal with all of it. As the husband, you tie your self-image into who you are in the field—that is, in work, in accomplishments, in conquests (see chapter 16). Your wife, however, ties her self-worth into who she is in the family. Yes, it is true that today many women have careers and important positions outside of the home, but one woman who was the vice president of a major airline said it well: “At the end of the day, all that’s important is that I know he loves me and values me. That’s what I want more than anything else.”

USE SYMBOLS TO SHOW YOUR WIFE ESTEEM

After getting out of military school and entering Wheaton College, I began asking, “Who are these people called women?” I had been withdrawn from them in military school from age thirteen to eighteen. I had a lot of questions that most guys weren’t asking. I can recall being in the dining hall with a bunch of the guys and asking, “Why do you give a girl a rose after a fight?” They all gave me a blank look, and finally one of them said, “I don’t know, it just works. Pass the bread.” But I wouldn’t give it up. I knew there was a symbolism here that I did not understand. Giving roses to a man typically doesn’t cause him to tear up and need a handkerchief.

Later, after meeting and marrying Sarah, I learned a lot more about the power of symbolism and how it conveys to a woman that you value her and love her. You will never be able to show her the amount of emotional openness and esteem that she really wants—no man could—but symbolic things can do a great deal to bridge the gap. I am talking particularly about anniversaries and birthdays. Women put great store in these occasions (remember my magnificent goof by forgetting Sarah’s birthday?).