Love, But Never (3 page)

“How about a tour of your town? We’ve only just reconnected, let’s take things slow,” she said, looking down, shyly.

“A tour, it is then!” he said, leading her back to the car. 

The weekend was a whirlwind of reconnecting and romance, unparalleled by Marissa up until this point.  Sometimes, she thought she would wake up and it would’ve been a dream.  Marissa didn’t want to think about what she would be coming back home to at the end of the weekend.  She wanted to be closer to Matthew, regardless of what she’d told her mother.  She knew they’d have to be careful though, she didn’t want to end up like her mom, with someone like her dad.  The thought, alone, made her stomach twist in agony.  Her future was dependent on getting out of her parents’ house, and being stupid with Matthew could ruin the freedom she had planned and she wasn’t willing to risk that. EVER. 

CHAPTER 2

October 1999

              “Ugh,” Marissa groaned as she stepped off the bus and her eyes fell on her father.  His dark hair was combed back and his brown eyes actually looked happy to see her!

              “Marissa!  You’re home!” he took her bag and led her to the family truck.

              “I was only gone for thirty-six hours, dad,” Marissa laughed.

              “You did a great job on the living room and the kitchen before you left.  Thanks for taking care of that,” he smiled.

              “You’re welcome.”

              “How was your trip?  Did you have fun?”  Marissa tried hard to keep her gaze steady and to not look at her father as if he’d just grown two heads.

              “Yeah. It was a lot of fun,” she smiled at him as she buckled her seat belt.

              “So when is he coming to visit you?”

              “We hadn’t really talked about it, but I’m sure we will.  I promised I’d send him an email to let him know I’d gotten home safely.”

              “That’s nice of him,” her dad smiled.  “I know I met him briefly last summer, but now that you seem to be traveling for each other, I’d like him to come to visit before you visit him again.”

              “I discovered a cheaper way for us to visit, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”

              “Good, because my daughter doesn’t need to be traipsing all over the state for some boy.  If he’s worth it, he’ll treat you like a lady and not a whore.”  Her father’s words stung, they’d barely even kissed this weekend and he was calling her a whore.

              “He treats me well, dad.  I promise.”

              “Good.  You don’t need to go chasing after a boy who isn’t worthy of you or your family.  Remember that.” Her father shot her a serious look before turning his eyes back to the road.

              “I will, dad.”

              “Why can’t you just date John?  He’s good people and his family is solid.”

              “Because John and I are just friends, dad.  We’ve tried- the chemistry is only so-so…”

              “Try again.”

              “I’m meeting him tonight for our walk, but he’s interested in someone else, too.”

              “Maybe one day?” her father sighed.

              “I don’t know, dad.”

“How was your weekend with Matthew?” John asked as Marissa approached in her green tank top and matching shorts, ready for their nightly walk around their neighborhood.

“Amazing!” Marissa couldn’t contain her elation. “He took me to dinner and to this meditation garden at a Monastery nearby.  There was this incredible stream that wound through the grounds.  It was so peaceful, so beautiful.” She continued, wistfully, purposely leaving out their trip to the cemetery and her revelations about him. “Hi, Sierra,” Marissa bent down to pat the head of John’s giant golden retriever.

“Oh, sounds nice,” John said, flatly.

“What did you do this weekend? Did you visit Ellen?”

“No, she was out with her boyfriend this weekend.  Besides, I ended up being called into work.” He sighed, as they fell into step and started their usual circuit.

“That sucks!  I’m sorry.  Matthew discovered this shuttle thing that’ll bring him to Sky Harbor when he comes to visit.  It’s much cheaper than the bus, and I know my parents will let me drive to Phoenix.” Marissa grinned.

“Is he coming soon to visit? Or will it be another year before you guys see each other?” John snorted.

“He’s coming at the beginning of November, so like, two weeks? He’s just got to request it off at work.  I can’t believe my parents agreed to let him stay on the couch!”

“Good, so we’re still on to see
Dogma
in a couple weeks together, right?” he asked.

“Of course!”

“Great!  Then let’s talk about something else.  Such as…I need help with our chemistry homework,” he offered.

“I’d be happy to help you, you know that?  You want me to help after our walk? I don’t have to be home until eleven,” Marissa offered.

“Eleven? You have a curfew again?” John laughed.

“No, no curfew, as long as I have my keys to the house.  That’s the only means of control that have sort of eased.  I mean, I still get grilled if I’m out past one though,” she said. “Matthew gets off work at 10:30 and we are going to meet online to talk,” she explained.

“I see, maybe I should just keep you busy all night, then,” John huffed, pulling Marissa into his side.  She chuckled and pushed away from him.

“Oh John, are you trying to tell me you are
jealous
?” she teased, her blue eyes sparkling under the lamp post.  Suddenly, Sierra moved behind Marissa and tried to take off after a cat in the road ahead of them pulling the leash holding Sierra taut, causing Marissa to fall, breasts first, into John’s chest. 

“Sierra! Heel!” he yelled and the dog sat stark still on the sidewalk. He ran his fingers up Marissa’s arm as she struggled to regain her balance to continue their walk. She smiled up at him, and laughed.

“Did she plan that?” Marissa tried to disengage herself from Sierra’s leash and out of John’s embrace.

“She’s a dog, Ris.  She was just trying to get to the cat,” John chuckled.

“Shall we go see about that homework now?  I think I’ve had enough excitement for the evening,” she breathed, stalking off in the direction of John’s house.

“Sure!” he called after her before bending down to pet Sierra. “Good girl,” he whispered to his dog before jogging back to Marissa’s side.

**

November 1999

              “
Honey, I’m so sorry!  I got called into work this weekend.  I asked for it off, but one of the other guys had some family member die,” Matthew said, sounding genuinely upset to miss their weekend together.  “But next weekend, I promise!  I wouldn’t miss it for the world, even if I have to quit.”

              Marissa chuckled, “You know you don’t have to quit.  We’ll work it out.  My dad said I’m not allowed to visit again until you ‘make the effort’ to come and see me.  He says he doesn’t want his daughter chasing after a guy.” She neglected to add the addendum her father added which was “like some slut.”  That had been the part that really hurt. 

              “HA!  I get that.  I’ll definitely be up before the end of the month.  I promise!  I can’t have my girlfriend looking for any other guys because I can’t be there,” he laughed.

              “That would never happen, you know that,” she gushed. “At least not until after May.” She added, jokingly.

              “I adore you.  And you are right!  You are mine until May,” she could hear him smiling through the phone. “But, hey, get online, my mom doesn’t want me running up the phone bill.”

              “Okay, I’ll meet you there in fifteen.  I adore you, too,” Marissa agreed before hanging up.

              “I need the computer,” Jared said, pushing his way into Marissa’s bedroom.

              “What for?” Marissa asked, stepping between her brother and the computer.

              “I have to send my girlfriend an email.  I told her I would,” he reasoned.

              “Fine, but I need it in fifteen minutes,” she allowed, taking the phone out to its charger.

              “I’ll be off when I damn well feel like it, and not a minute sooner,” he huffed at her when she returned.

              “Who’s the one that pays for the internet account?  It’s not mom and dad,” she tried to remind him.  “Besides, what would your girlfriend say if she knew you were out with a different girl tonight?”

              “I’ll kick your ass if you breathe one word to her,” Jared flew out of the chair and backed her against her bedroom wall like her father liked to do.

              “Fine.  I need the computer in fifteen minutes,” she reminded, and he backed off.

              “Fine,” he agreed and went back to his task.  “I only needed five anyway, no need to be a bitch about it.”

              “Who’s being a bitch?” Jared’s friend, Scott, asked coming into Marissa’s room, again without knocking.

              “Marissa, she says she needs the computer in a few,” her brother said, as though she weren’t in the room.

              “I need to take a shower.  That should be enough time for you, right?” she asked, grabbing her night clothes and a towel.

              “Sure,” he dismissed.

              Marissa took a leisurely shower, hoping to find her bedroom empty when she returned.  Luckily, when she finished getting ready for bed, she found her bedroom devoid of her brother and his lackey.  However, she noticed one of her dresses that had gone missing last week had been returned to her closet, but it was caked in mud and ripped.  The mud told her that her brother had used it in his mud pit in the back yard the weekend when their parents were out of town.  The dress had cost her a decent amount of her last paycheck and was nearly brand new.  Now it was ruined.  She sighed deeply and took the dress from the hanger.  Wordlessly, she stalked to the kitchen, holding back tears and threw the dress away. 

“Why’d you throw that away, Marissa?” her mom asked, startling her.

“It’s ruined,” she said, forlorn.

“Oh no!  Did you sit on something?  Is there something I can do to fix it?”  Her mom seemed to genuinely want to help.

“You can tell Jared that my clothes are off limits,” she offered.

“Honey, I’m sure he didn’t mean to ruin it,” her mother’s demeanor changed as soon as she realized Jared was responsible for the ruined clothing. “It was probably an accident.  I’m sorry,” her mom offered.

“It’s not up to you to apologize, mom,” Marissa snapped.

“Okay, but speaking of Jared,” she continued, unaffected by Marissa’s anger, “His back has been hurting him.  His mattress isn’t working for him, so your dad and I were thinking that you two should switch mattresses,” she said, matter of fact.

“Switch mattresses?!” Marissa asked, fire flaring in her eyes.  “Can’t you just get him a new one?!”

“His is perfectly fine for you, honey, don’t be ridiculous!”

“If it’s perfectly fine for me, why isn’t it perfectly fine for him?”

“His back is more sensitive than yours.  I had him switch them when you were in the shower.  See, you didn’t even notice,” her mom said.

“I didn’t notice because I saw the dress he and his friends killed first!  That mattress feels like it’s filled with hay and old springs, mom!  He needed a
new
mattress, not
my
mattress,” Marissa said, disappearing into her room, but resisted the urge to slam her door.  She signed onto her messenger account and typed her plight to Matthew while trying to stop the tears from flowing down her face.  After Matthew said good night, she tried to settle into her ‘new’ bed for a good night’s sleep, but it was impossible as a loose spring in the middle of the mattress dug into her side.
‘At least he made my bed for me,
’ she tried to rationalize as she fell into a pained and restless sleep.

The following morning, Marissa sat down to make a budget to buy a new mattress.  She could get one by the New Year if she was extremely frugal.  That left only a month and a half of uncomfortable sleeping to look forward to.  She sighed, and started to count the days when an unpleasant thought came to her head and she started to wonder if spending her money would be a waste when her brother needed another new mattress.  Would her parents’ disregard the money she’d spent when it was something they thought Jared needed?  Could she stand up for herself then?

Marissa continued to contemplate her strength on her walk to John’s for a chemistry study session before their midterm.

“Hey!” he greeted brightly when he opened the door.

“Hey yourself,” she groaned, pulling her bag from her back and shoving it at him.

“We have some eggs and bacon left, want some?” he took her bag and set it in the foyer.

“Ugh,” the thought of food on her agitated stomach made her nauseous.  “Let’s just go study.”

“Okay,” he said, lifting her bag again and leading her to his bedroom.

“Where are we starting?” she sat on his unmade, queen-sized bed heavily and pulled a pillow into her lap.

“Dimensional analysis?” he squeaked.

“Seriously?!  That’s from the beginning of the semester, John!” she threw herself back in frustration.

“I know!  But you always make it look so easy when we do our homework together, but I can’t figure it out on my own,” he apologized.

“Fine.  We’re going to work out a couple of examples together, and then I’m going to give you a couple to do on your own,” she instructed, lifted her torso up with her elbows holding her up to look at him.

“Sounds good.” John grabbed his chemistry book and joined her on his bed, notes spread out between them as she explained dimensional analysis to him, again.  When he set about doing the problems she gave him to do alone, she lay back on his pillows and reveled in the comfort of his bed.

“Hey,” she heard John nudge her.  “Ris, I let you sleep awhile, but I don’t want us to be late for the test.”  Marissa opened her eyes and felt John’s arms around her.

“Did you rest with me?” She asked, suspiciously.