Love, But Never (6 page)

              “Send him in, mom!” she called back.  She looked down to make sure she was decent in her pajamas when her bedroom door flew open.

              “Where have you been?” John’s eyes blazed with anger.

              “What do you mean?” Marissa looked at him, confused.

              “We had plans on the 29th!  You stood me up,” he pointed his finger at her, accusingly.  “I called, but you never answered.  Did you go and visit Matthew without telling me?”

              “No, did you stop by?” She asked.

              “Yes, but you never answered the door, but your truck was here.  Are you avoiding me?”

              “Seriously?  I was in Ohio, John,” she finally relented, realizing he was too angry to put the pieces together himself.

              “Why?”

              “My Aunt Carla died.”

              “And you couldn’t call me to let me know you were going to go MIA?  I could’ve made other plans, Marissa,” John said, his anger not subsiding at her admission.

              “That’s your response to my news?” she responded, incredulously.

              “Of course I would’ve been there for you, too.  Don’t be such a drama queen, Ris,” he rolled his eyes.

              “I know, but I didn’t really have time to make phone calls and I completely spaced our plans.  I’m sorry,” Marissa whispered, looking down at her hands.

              John sighed, deeply.  “It’s okay.  I just had to listen to Taylor snicker and call you fickle.  You made me look like a fool for being your friend in spite of your reputation.  Don’t do that again,” he warned.

              “I’m sorry,” Marissa said again, allowing John to hug her and sit beside her on her bed.

              “Wow, your bed is really uncomfortable,” he observed and Marissa let the river of tears she’d been holding back for the previous three days free and clung to John as she cried.

CHAPTER 4

January 2000

              After the pain that was her trip to Ohio, Marissa was glad to return to work and was even happier to return to college for spring semester.  Her aerobics class was just what she needed to get out some of the frustrations she felt with her home life.  She was starting to feel numb inside.  She needed something to remind her that she was alive.

              “Come on ladies!  Push it!  Three more!  And 2…and 1… Alright, let’s walk it out,” Jill yelled to the class.

              Marissa looked at the clock. 
‘Two more minutes until cool down! Thank GOD!’
Sweat was pouring down her face, but she felt alive.

              “Alright ladies, stretch up to the ceiling and breathe out!” Jill took the class through the cool down and soon it was time to change and find a spot to recover before her next class.

              “Wow!  Jill is such a motivator!” Marissa heard a voice behind her say, as she walked into the courtyard from the locker rooms.

              “Oh my God!  I thought I was dying at the 30 minute mark, but I kept going because she said I could do it!” Marissa laughed, turning to face the voice.

              “I know!  I’m Susan, by the way.  We have another class together, don’t we?” Susan’s hazel eyes glowed, probably from the blustering work out they’d just been put through.  She was, at least, ten years older than Marissa, but they were about the same height. Susan wasn’t a thin woman, but she had a presence that could only be described as dynamic and beautiful.  Marissa could tell she was the type of person who didn’t take no for an answer and knew how to get what she wanted.  Her energy was something that immediately fascinated Marissa. 

              “Yeah, communications, I think and creative writing, but I think I’m going to drop that class.”

              “That’s right!” Susan confirmed. “I don’t blame you for wanting to drop the writing class, Dr. Simon isn’t that great.”

              “I’m Marissa,” she smiled, smoothing down her fresh white t-shirt and short green and white board shorts, making sure they weren’t wrinkled from being in her gym bag.  Susan adjusted the waist band of her blue cloth shorts and pulled down her matching t-shirt, before gathering her dark brown, curly hair back into a tight bun.

              “I have to get my hair off my neck,” she explained. “Jill is amazing though, isn’t she?” Susan took a long drink from her water bottle.

              “Yeah, I’m just glad I have thirty minutes to chill before COM,” Marissa smoothed out her own ponytail.

              “So,” Susan began, smiling, “I figure that since we have three classes together, at least right now, the universe thinks we need to be friends.  Want to grab something from the student lounge and chat before class?”

              “Sounds great!  I’d have to agree with the universe on this one.  Most of my friends have an extra leg, so I’m always open to more girl friends.  Just as long as it’s not something that will undo that last hour,” Marissa chuckled as they walked through the courtyard toward the student lounge.

              “How was your break?” Susan asked, innocently.

              “Terrible, but I don’t want to talk about it,” Marissa answered quickly.

              “Oh!” Susan seemed surprise at such an honest answer.

              “How was yours?” Marissa asked, deflecting the attention back to Susan.

              “It was okay.  My family lives in Southern California.  That’s where I’m from.  I went to visit them, as usual,” she said.

              “Sounds fun, but don’t you have any family here?”

              “I’ve got my mom who splits time between Oracle and Cali, but not really,” she answered.

              “Wow, that’s courageous,” Marissa nodded, hoping to have as much courage as Susan in May.

              “What about you?” Susan asked.

              “I’m an Arizona native.  Moved to Ohio, briefly, when I was in the fifth through seventh grade, though.  I still live with my folks until May,” she winced.

              “That bad?  Where are you going in May?”

              “I’m leaving for the Navy, and yes, I can’t wait,” Marissa tried to sound psyched.

              “Oh, you sound enthused,” Susan said through obvious sarcasm, “you don’t seem like the military type,” she continued as they opened the door to the student lounge.

              “I’m not, but I need to get out of here, and I tested into one of their advanced programs.  My dad said I’d be stupid to not take advantage,” Marissa relayed how she ended up enlisting in a future she’d never really wanted for herself.

              “So it wasn’t even your choice?  And you just let him convince you?” Susan asked, incredulously.

              “You don’t say no to my dad,” Marissa shrugged and deposited her money into the fresh food vending machine to get an apple.

              “Wow,” Susan breathed before shaking her head and adding, “then it’s a great thing we met!  Almost cosmic, I’d say.”  A grin lit up Susan’s whole face as she selected her own apple.

              “New topic,” she said after polishing her apple on her shirt.  “Who’s the boy?”

              “What boy?” Marissa asked, innocently.

              Susan nodded to the turquoise turtle on Marissa’s left middle finger.  “The one who gave you that,” she chuckled.

              “What makes you think it was a boy?” Marissa raised her eyebrow, “It could be a family gift.”

              “I’ve already gotten vibes about how you feel about your parents, so the only logical conclusion is a boy.  And my gaydar is too good to think it came from a girl,” she explained.

              “Name is Matthew.  Long distance.  But off and on for about a year and a half.  Right now, it’s on.”

              “And how do you feel about him?  It’s on the left hand, but on your middle finger,” she pointed out.

              “I care about him very much, but we are both very young,” Marissa explained.  “Plus, we are extremely unconventional about our relationship.”

              “Sounds intriguing.  Is that why you don’t want to go?  The boy?”

              “No, like I said, we’re both young, but we’re not naive.  What about you?  Any guy in your life?” Marissa asked.

              “Oh, yeah.  Mine’s long distance, too.  Up north about an hour.  Alan, he’s a firefighter,” she smiled as she seemed to be relieving memories at his name.

              “Nice.  Firemen tend to be built,” Marissa didn’t shy away from the obvious question.

              “Oh, he is.  Believe me,” Susan’s smile widened. 

              “I can only imagine what you mean,” she blushed and laughed at her own innocence.

              “Really?  Good for you!” Susan beamed at her.  “Is Matthew the one you’ve been waiting for?”

              “I’m pretty sure.  Not yet, but soon.  I’m going to visit him in a week or so… it’ll show me how close we are to being ready.  I’m not afraid to be with him, because I know I’d be safe,” Marissa explained.

              “Because you respect him, but don’t love him,” Susan sounded matter of fact.

              “How’d you know?” she asked, astonished that someone finally understood.

              “It’s written all over your face.  You don’t have that swoon face most girls have when they talk about their boyfriend.  It’s more analytical, not much in the way of sweeping emotion,” Susan said, moving her hand in a sweeping motion.

              “You are good,” Marissa admitted.

              “I know.  I’d guess that your home life is what prompted you to be so meticulous about sex and who you want to be with,” she continued. 

              Marissa looked down at her nearly eaten apple, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

              “I know we’ve just met, don’t need to give me your life story right away,” Susan’s words suddenly light.

              “Thanks,” Marissa mumbled, throwing the core in the trash.  “We should get to class.”

              “Sure, want to be my partner on presentation for communications?” Susan asked.

              “Sounds great!” Marissa answered as she held the door to the lounge open for Susan.

* *

February 2000

              Two weeks later, Marissa entered the aerobics studio beaming; feeling like nothing could touch the mood she had at that moment.

              “Why so happy, Ris?” Susan asked her as she started her stretches.

              “So many things!” she chuckled in response.

              “Okay,” Susan couldn’t help but catch on to Marissa’s sheer giddiness.  “So tell me!”

              “First, I finally have enough to replace my awful mattress in my bedroom,” she stretched in response to the pain her back was constantly in.

              “Fantastic!”

              “Second, I’ll have it in time for Matthew’s next visit around Valentines’ Day, next weekend,” Marissa’s grin turned slightly wicked with the thought.

              “OH!  You thinking…?” Susan’s hazel eyes gleamed with lascivious implication as she arched her eye brow at Marissa, causing her to blush in response.

              “And third,” Marissa avoided the question, “Fenix Tx is going to be at the Amazon Theatre that same weekend.  I already bought our tickets!”

              “Fenix Tx?” Susan looked confused.

              “If it weren’t for their song,
Speechless
, I don’t know that Matthew and I would be together right now.  Well, we’d probably be together, but not visiting each other,” Marissa explained.

              “Oh, okay,” Susan shrugged. “Sounds like you have a lot to be happy and excited about.  I’m glad.”

              “Thanks!  Wanna come and help me get my new mattress?  I’m so sick of sleeping on hay and broken glass.”

              Susan chuckled, “Of course! When are we going?”

              “Saturday morning, about nine?  It’s got to be sometime this weekend though.”

              “Sounds perfect.”             

**

              “What happened to lover boy?” A disenfranchised voice asked Marissa through the phone.

              “Got called into to work again,” she answered, sullenly. “Don’t know why, but I don’t want the ticket to go to waste, Luc!”

              “So you want me to go to the show with you?  You do realize it’s two days before Valentines’ day, right?”

              “I know!  I hate to ask you, but I can’t ask John!  Did you have plans with Sara?”

              “No, we have plans on Valentines’ though, not the twelfth.  I’m sure she won’t mind…why can’t you ask John?”

              “I’m so glad!  I thought you might, since it’s a Saturday and all…and John and I are…strained…I don’t want to give him the wrong idea, one and two, the show meant something to Matthew and I, I can share it with you, but not him…I’m probably not making any sense…” Marissa tried to explain.

              “I get it, I think…but that’s only because I know how to speak Marissa,” she heard him laugh.  “Why are you and John strained?”

              “You mean he hasn’t told you?” Marissa said, shocked.

              “Actually, no- surprising, isn’t it?”

              “Yeah,” Marissa breathed.  “I bought a new mattress with Susan last weekend.”

              “And…?”

              “That’s it.”

              “Seriously?  That’s why he’s upset.”

              “Yeah, apparently, he thinks I bought it just for Matthew.  Not thinking of the consequences of my having sex in my bedroom…,” Marissa laughed at the absurdity of the suggestion.  “I bought the mattress so my back isn’t constantly in pain.  I don’t want my dad to murder Matthew, so when we have sex, it won’t be in my bedroom.”

              “When?  You sure that’s not why John’s upset?”

              “I’m sure that’s part of it…”

              “I’m sure that’s
ALL
of it, Ris.”

              “Why?  Because it’s not with him?  He doesn’t want me like that,” Marissa said.