Love & Loss (28 page)

I sighed as I looked at myself in the mirror. Part of me didn’t want to go home, I’d loved our trip, but even more I’d loved having Gabe almost back to normal and I was dreading an escalation of his stress levels again when we got back. I touched up my mascara and straightened my black lace dress, the one I’d worn on our first meal out together and packed the remainder of my toiletries and took them to put in my case. Gabe wandered in wearing his charcoal grey suit and a black shirt and I sighed as I looked at him, partly through lust, partly through sadness.

‘Don’t,’ he said as he caught my eye. ‘We’re going to come back again and we have your birthday, Christmas and our new apartment to look forward to.’

‘I know, you’ve just been so relaxed over here and I’m so worried how you’ll be when we get home. I don’t want you making yourself ill again.’

‘I won’t Mia, I’m seeing Dr Jarvis tomorrow afternoon and as long as we stick to our agreements and you keep yourself safe, I’m going to make sure I try and take it all in my stride ok? Let’s just enjoy the rest of our evening baby. Are you all packed?’

‘Yes,’ I nodded.

‘Then let me put the cases by the elevator, Seb’s going to take them down to Antonio, he’ll drop us off for dinner and take them onto the airport then come and pick us up later.’

‘Ok,’ I sighed. He strode over and clutched my chin and tipped my face up to his.

‘We’re going to have loads more amazing holidays Mia and everyday living with you will feel like a holiday, it always does whenever I’m with you.’ He kissed me tenderly as I gripped the lapels of his jacket and slumped against him. ‘No sagging,’ he laughed as he pulled away, ‘I need a decent meal after that light lunch and you were so excited about Phantom.’

‘Then stop working me up with lovely kisses like that,’ I sighed. He smiled and wheeled our cases out and I carried the shopping bags that I couldn’t fit in and took one last look around the apartment and smiled sadly. So much had happened here in these six short days, and I felt like Gabe and I had made real progress, individually and as a couple.

Gabe held my hand as we climbed the steps to the plane and we were welcomed by Tim and shown through to the main cabin, where Robert was already seated with a newspaper and a glass of whiskey and he looked up and smiled.

 ‘Mia, Gabriel. How was your evening?’

‘Amazing,’ I smiled. ‘We had a lovely dinner and the show was fantastic, even with someone grumbling all the way through that we should have had better seats.’ I looked up at Gabe and he rolled his eyes.

‘Well we should have. Next time I’m booking further in advance so we can have a box. Come on, let’s get you strapped in.’ He helped me into my seat and did up my safety belt and kissed me.

‘What can I get you both to drink?’ asked Tim.

‘A bottle of the Bollinger Rose please Tim and three glasses. It’s officially Mia’s birthday in both time zones,’ Gabe smiled.

‘It is?’ I exclaimed looking at my watch.

‘It is,’ he nodded with a smile. ‘And you can have one of your presents now, but I’d like to leave the rest until we’re home. I’ll be back in a moment.’

‘Happy birthday Mia, we’ll have a proper celebration later, presents and all,’ smiled Robert.

‘Thank you and thank you again for letting us stay in your apartment, that was so kind of you. I have a present for you too, to say thank you.’

‘That’s very kind of you Mia, though totally unnecessary.’ He stole a glance behind him and then looked at me with raised eyebrows. ‘How is he?’ he asked quietly.

‘Better than I expected, but noticeably more tense this evening. It will be good that we’re all together for the next few days to acclimatise him to being home again.’

‘It will,’ Robert nodded. ‘I’m wondering if I should stay longer?’

‘Robert you have Sofia to get back to, you’re already spending Christmas away from her and we have the move to keep us occupied, we’ll be fine.’ I flicked my eyes to the back of the plane to warn him Gabe had just reappeared from the cabin. Robert looked up at him as he took his seat.

‘Gabriel thank you so much for asking Sofia to come back with us for Christmas, she was very touched, as was I.’

‘Well I’d hate to be away from Mia for Christmas, I didn’t like the thought of you feeling obliged to try and make things easy for me.’

‘There’s no obligation,’ Robert frowned. ‘I just want what’s best for you, you don’t need additional complications in your life right now.’

‘Dad I was just shocked on Friday, you did kind of spring it on me out of no where, but Sofia isn’t a complication, she’s your girlfriend and I actually like her. Plus if you love her half as much as I love Mia then it’s not about me
trying
to make an effort, I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.’

‘Thank you son, that means a lot.’ Robert smiled, looking incredibly touched.

‘Right, here’s a present for Mia,’ Gabe smiled as he pushed a beautiful gift bag in my direction as the plane began to taxi out.

‘Gabe, I had my trip here as my present, I wasn’t expecting you to get me more.’

‘Really you’re going to start arguing with me over my spending
again
?’

‘
Gabe,
’ I objected and looked over at Robert embarrassed, but he just kept his head in his paper.

‘Just open it please Mia.’

‘Ok.’ I opened the bag and took out the Jimmy Choo tissue paper and looked at Gabe surprised before carefully unwrapping it and gasped in surprise and happiness to find a gold metallic cracked leather clutch bag with a band of thin gold chains around it forming the clasp. ‘Gabe it’s
gorgeous
, thank you so much. I’ve always dreamed of owning something by Jimmy Choo, I love it.’

‘I like you in gold,’ he shrugged.

‘Then I’ll wear gold tones for the surprise party tomorrow night,’ I smiled as I leaned across the table and squeezed his hand.

‘Doug?’ came Robert’s voice.

‘Doug,’ sighed Gabe with a nod.

‘He’ll never change,’ laughed Robert as we all sat back as the plane took off.

I came out of en-suite all seductively dressed in my white baby doll and gasped in amazement to see he’d fallen asleep again, stretched out on his back, his forearm over his eyes. I sighed and turned out the lights and climbed in next to him, shuffling up to lay at his side and carefully lifted his arm from his face and tucked it under the duvet, holding his hand as I kissed his shoulder and fell asleep.

I woke up suddenly, wincing as I felt a kick to my shin and heard Gabe moaning. I reached out to put on the bedside light and saw he was writhing in the bed and muttering, with a really distressed look on his face.

‘Gabe,’ I whispered softly.

‘No … not again, not Mia … no …
please
,’ he groaned.

‘Gabe, you’re dreaming,’ I whispered as I reached out and gently stroked his forehead. He bolted upright, swatting my hand away and looked around panicked until his eyes found mine. He sighed, reached out and grabbed me pulling me back down into the bed in his arms. I could feel his chest pounding and he was taking short sharp breaths. ‘Gabe are you ok?’

‘Fine. I’m fine.’

‘You don’t seem fine. What were you dreaming about?’

‘Nothing,’ he replied with a kiss to my forehead. He let me go, jumped out of bed and shut himself in the en-suite and I sighed. It wasn’t nothing, he was dreaming about his Mum, I knew it without him even telling me. It was the anniversary of her death and we were flying home somewhere he felt wasn’t safe for me, it was triggering some kind of panic attack for him. I got up and tried the door, but he’d locked it.

‘Gabe, can I come in.’

‘Go back to bed, I’ll be there in a while,’ came his voice.

‘Can I do anything? Get you anything?’

‘I told you I’m fine. Go to bed.’

I did as I was told and turned out the light, deciding pushing him wasn’t going to help, but when I woke up a second time to find him back in bed thrashing as he kept calling my name, I couldn’t sit back. His forehead was damp with perspiration so I soaked a face cloth in cool water and wrung it out and sat on the edge of the bed and gently grabbed one of his hands and tried to reassure him by talking to him gently while I mopped his brow. He calmed down and took in few deep pained gasps and slowly opened his eyes, disorientated.

‘Hey,’ I smiled. ‘It’s ok, I’m here.’ I pressed the cloth to his forehead again and kissed his cheek and heard him let out a soft moan. ‘You were having a nightmare.’

‘I woke you up again?’

‘You seemed really distressed. Please don’t tell me you’re fine, because you’re suffering and I want to help. What can I do?’

‘Come back to bed and stay close to me,’ he replied as he rubbed his face before picking up my hand and kissing it. I removed the compress and set it aside and headed back to my side of the bed, reaching to turn out the light. ‘Don’t,’ he whispered. ‘Leave it on.’

‘Ok,’ I nodded. I shuffled down the bed and held out my arm and he rolled over it into my side, one arm draped across my stomach as he lay his head on my chest and I curled my arm around his neck and pushed my fingers into his hair, caressing his scalp. ‘Do you want to talk?’

‘No,’ he replied.

‘Ok.’ I picked up his hand resting against my hip and kissed it, before linking fingers with him as I continued to stroke his hair with my other hand. ‘When we get home tomorrow, you’re going to leave me at the apartment to sort out some washing and spend some time with Lexi while you see Dr Jarvis, then you’ll come back and pick me up and we’re not going to leave each other’s sides for the next week, so you don’t need to worry, nothing will happen to me because I’m going to be with you. You have a whole week to get used to us being home and starting a new routine ok?’

‘Ok,’ he nodded against my side.

‘One day at a time Gabe, that’s what we’re going to do, we’re going to make it as easy as possible.’

‘I just can’t lose you too Mia.’

‘I know, I’m not going anywhere Gabe. Come on, sleep for me baby, you don’t need to have nightmares because I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.’ I talked him through all the things I wanted to do to set up the apartment as I stroked his hair and planted the odd kiss on top of his head and I eventually felt him fall asleep and sighed. Since I’d known him I couldn’t recall him having a nightmare that woke him, or causing him so much distress. I hated that he was so tortured and that there was so little I could do to help. I closed my eyes, but it was a long time before I fell to sleep.

Riley pulled up outside the apartment and Gabe and I hopped out with my case, and left Robert to head off home with the rest of the luggage. We looked up at the building and smiled at each other to see the new windows were in, looking all sparkly and new.

‘Come on,’ he ordered, grabbing my case for me. ‘Let’s get in there and see what’s happened.’

‘But I want to see Lexi, she’d be gutted if I didn’t go to see her straight away. She thought she wasn’t seeing me until tonight and I really want to surprise her.’

‘Fine, we’ll go and see her first, but I want to go in the apartment before the builders clock off for Christmas, if they haven’t already.’

I kissed him and we meet Tom the architect coming down the stairs so I left them to talk and carried on up without Gabe and let myself into the apartment. I shut the door, turned around and screamed as a naked man came wandering out of the bathroom and froze as he saw me.

‘Who the hell are you?’ I exclaimed as he automatically cupped his groin.

‘Me? Who the hell are
you
?’ he uttered.

‘Ermmm the person who owns this apartment,’ I retorted as I put my hands on my hips. I turned and scowled as Lexi came rushing out of her bedroom in a t-shirt.

‘Shit, you weren’t supposed to be home until later,’ she exclaimed. ‘I wasn’t expecting you.’

‘Obviously not,’ I replied. ‘Stop
right
there,’ I snapped with a pointed finger at the stranger who was inching back towards my bathroom.

‘I’m going to get dressed.’

‘Not in
my
bathroom you don’t …
naked guy
. Get in the utility which is in the kitchen over there,’ I pointed. ‘You’ll stay in the utility until I tell you that you can come out,’ I ordered. He looked at me confused and looked back at Lexi who raised her eyebrows at me. ‘Gabe’s on the stairs and will be coming in here any moment and I take it from your guilty face that Doug doesn’t know you’re fucking around, so if you’d like it to stay that way get him out of sight,
now
.’

‘Fuck,
fuck,
’ muttered Lex. ‘Do as she says, get in there, keep quiet and don’t come out until I tell you.’ She pushed him into the kitchen and quickly ran to her bedroom and came out with a pile of clothes and shoved them at him and shut the door. ‘Shit Mia, please don’t say anything.’

‘Lex,’ I sighed shaking my head. ‘I leave you alone for
six days
.’ I looked at her and her shoulders slumped. ‘What were you thinking?’

‘Penetrative orgasms,’ she groaned.

‘So you’re still with Doug?’

‘Yes,’ she grimaced.

‘Damn it Lexi.’ I sighed, then jumped as the door knocked. ‘Not a word to Gabe, say hello then we’ll go next door to check on the progress and you need to get him out of here as fast as possible, got it?’

‘Got it, thanks. I’ve missed you.’

‘I missed you too,’ I sighed. ‘As far as Gabe’s concerned we’ve just done the hugging and welcome home thing ok?’ I ran a hand through my hair and she screamed and covered her mouth.

‘What?’

‘Fuck, you have a
HUGE
ring on your finger,’ she gasped and pointed at my left hand.

‘Shit,’ I muttered. I’d got used to the feeling of it on there and I’d forgotten all about it. I’d meant to take it off last night on the plane and I’d got distracted with Gabe.

‘You’re engaged?’

‘Not really, long story. Bugger,’ I groaned as the door knocked again. ‘Not a word about the ring to Gabe ok?
Please.
’ She nodded looking completely confused and I went and opened the front door.

‘Someone was happy to see their best friend, we heard the first scream down the stairs,’ he smiled as he stepped it.

‘Yes, she got a shock alright,’ I nodded as I looked back at her.
On both fronts,
I thought.

‘Hi Lex, you ok? Look like you’ve only just got up.’

‘I have, you know me, perpetual snoozer. Good time?’

‘Amazing time. I want to drag Mia next door to look at the apartment if you don’t mind, then the two of you can have a good catch up while I go and see Dr Jarvis. No doubt birthday drinks will be starting early.’

‘Shit, it’s your birthday today,’ Lexi gasped. ‘Sorry I totally forgot.’ She came over to hug me and I sighed and hugged her back. I was so disappointed that she’d done this to Doug, he really didn’t deserve it. We were going to be having a serious chat the minute Gabe was out of sight.

‘Come on Gabe, let’s leave Lex to get showered and dressed and we can go and look next door.’ I grabbed his hand and tugged him out and narrowed my eyes at her as I pulled the front door shut. ‘So what did Tom have to say?’ I asked as we wandered across the landing.

‘He was only here making sure everything was in place, the crew have finished ahead of schedule and the cleaning team are coming in early Friday morning, before the last bits of furniture arrive. Ready?’

‘Ready,’ I nodded, looking up at him, pleased to see he was looking as excited as I felt. He turned the key in the door then stooped and made me squeal by scooping me up into his arms. ‘Gabe,’ I laughed.

‘Well I know it’s not like we’re married, but it’s a special occasion, first house and all.’

‘It is,’ I smiled and pursed my lips for a kiss before he shouldered the door open. He just stood there with me in his arms as we looked around, totally taken aback. If it wasn’t for the lack of lounge and dining furniture it looked finished, and it looked amazing. I felt my eyes fill up and Gabe slowly set me down. ‘Wow,’ I whispered.

‘Yeah,’ he nodded as he took my hand.

The kitchen was in and tiled and shelved, the stunning chandelier extractor, the wooden floors and half painted half bricked walls that looked just like I’d imagined. To the right the pool table was in place, along with the juke box and pinball machine and the cabinets that must be where Gabe had housed our desks. The place looked huge. I looked up at Gabe with a wide grin and ran to my pole and did a spin around it as I laughed.

‘O my God, this is
awesome.
’ I squealed happily and his face lit up.

‘You really like it?’

‘Are you kidding, I love it. It all looks amazing.’ I ran over to the kitchen and smoothed my palm over the oak worktops and shook my head when I saw his expensive built in ovens, microwave and coffee machine, still with their blue protective wrapping over the stainless steel. I turned and watched as he checked out his new pool table and opened the cupboard doors, which tucked right back to expose one of the custom built desk units.

‘Left or right?’ he asked as he looked back at me.

‘Come on,’ I chastised. ‘Three months together and you haven’t noticed which side I like to be on?’

‘Left,’ he smiled.

‘Right,’ I gasped.

‘Left,’ he retorted. ‘You’re always on my left in bed.’

‘But that’s the right side of the bed as you look at it numpty,’ I laughed. ‘So as you look at the desks, or the bathroom sinks I’ll want the one on the right.’

‘Right,’ he nodded and we both laughed. ‘Come on let’s go see the pantry and bathroom.’ I was really pleased we’d gone with the pantry idea, it was a really good size, with built in shelving all around, but the bathroom was where I got really choked up. It looked like a luxurious spa. The fireplace looked amazing and it was totally finished, they’d even got in the glazed bookcase and sanded it back down to the pale wood for us. ‘So, you have your bidet,’ Gabe smiled.

‘I do and our large shower and bath and see, my sinks on the right,’ I smiled as I stood in front of it.

‘God I can’t wait to move in,’ Gabe sighed as he took my hand.

‘Me neither. Come on, dressing room and bedroom next.

‘No, still off limits.’

‘
Gabe,
’ I protested.

‘No, there’s a couple of finishing touches I need to sort before you officially move in on Saturday.’

‘Am I allowed to see the utility?’ I asked.

‘Yes,’ he laughed and led me back out through the main room and we wandered in to have a look. ‘Good choice on these units, worktops and tiles, they look really good.’

‘They do. Would you mind if I bring Lexi to have a look later?’

‘As long as you don’t go in the dressing room and bedroom.’

‘You’re so mean.’

‘I want it to be a surprise. Right, here’s a key for you and I’d better get going. I’ll be back in a couple of hours, make sure you’re both ready to go ok?’

‘Ok,’ I nodded.

‘No leaving the building.’

‘O don’t worry, we have
lots
to catch up on,’ I assured him before I kissed him properly and pulled away as I felt him swelling against my stomach. ‘I don’t know, it’s been my birthday for hours and we haven’t even had sex.’

‘Right,’ he muttered and marched me to the pool table. ‘Jeans and knickers down and bend over it,’ he ordered.

‘Your appointment?’ I uttered.

‘I’ve got time for a quickie, can’t have my girl unhappy on her birthday can I,’ he growled as he slammed the front door shut and advanced on me.

I used our new bathroom to quickly clean up before he left me outside my front door.

‘See you in a while, have fun with Lexi baby.’

‘I will, please be honest with Dr Jarvis about how you’re feeling.’

‘Promise,’ he nodded and bowed his head for a kiss and ran down the stairs with me watching him over the edge of the bannister. I sighed and turned to face my door, hoping no more naked men were going to confront me and stepped inside. Lexi came running out of the lounge and threw her arms around me.

‘I’m so sorry about earlier,
all of it
.’

‘I know. Come on I need some coffee and we can go and sit and talk. Please tell me he’s gone?’

‘He’s gone, thanks for covering. Go and get comfy and I’ll make the coffee.’ She let me go and kissed my cheek and headed into the kitchen. I wandered into the lounge and saw she’d put a pile of cards on the coffee table for me to open, along with Mum’s birthday present bag and a big gift bag with a tag from her. ‘Here, coffee and chocolate hobnobs.’

‘Thanks,’ I smiled.

So cards and presents first.’

‘Let’s do them later, when we’re with everyone at Gabe’s. Assuming we’re with everyone?’

‘No way, me last, you can start with that huge frickin’ rock on your finger,’ she proclaimed as she grabbed my hand to look. ‘
Wow
, Mia it’s stunning.’

‘I know,’ I smiled. ‘You really didn’t know he was going to propose?’

‘No, but now I’m really confused.’ She frowned as she went to tuck up on the end of the sofa so she could face me. ‘I thought you said you weren’t engaged? Now you’re telling me not only are you wearing an engagement ring but he proposed too?’

‘O Lex, I felt awful, he was so romantic,’ I sighed. I filled her in and she even reached up and wiped a tear from her eye as I did. ‘I promised to wear it for him over there, I just forgot to take it off last night.’

‘So you’re really not engaged, but you’re going to keep it and give it back to him when you’re ready?’

‘Yes,’ I nodded with a smile as I looked back down at it.

‘So why’s it still on now? Take it off.’

‘I will when we get back to his, he has the necklace to put it on. I’m worried about losing it.’

‘I’ll bet, how much was it?’

‘Too much,’ I replied with a half-smile. I couldn’t tell her, not when she was struggling for money and he was spending these amounts on me.

‘So New York news first, then you can beat me over the head with the Lexi’s so stupid stick,’ she smiled and I laughed.

‘O there’ll be a beating alright, but it will be a wide bat not a stick.’ I updated her on our amazing trip and told her that we could go over together in one of the holidays.

‘Really Gabe would be cool with that?’

‘Well he’d actually suggested it for the four of us, so you’d better tell me what the hell’s going on.’

‘I don’t know,’ she sighed as she covered her eyes. ‘I was just feeling all this pressure with Doug and needed a release.’

‘What pressure?’

‘He’s getting serious Mia, wanting me to meet his parents and I can just tell he wants more, but I can’t let go, something’s stopping me from letting go with him and I hate that. Part of me really wants to as I like him so much, then part of me wants to run for the hills. So I went out the Friday you left, while he was at swimming practice had a few drinks and picked up some guy and before I knew it we were at his having sex.’

‘Did you come during?’

‘Yep, straight away. So it is me, I know it’s me, I’m holding back Mia.’

‘So you’ve been seeing this guy over the weekend? What about Doug?’

‘I’ve had “the flu” if he asks. I haven’t seen him since you left and what’s even worse is that guy, the guy you saw today, he’s not the guy from Friday. He was the third guy since Friday.’ She looked up at me with a sad face and I sighed. ‘So come on, let me have it.’

‘What’s the point Lex? You know what you’re doing’s wrong, shag around if you want I don’t care about that, but don’t do it while you’re in a relationship with someone. I mean it’s
Doug,
sweet, adorable wouldn’t hurt a fly, best friends with Gabe, Doug.’

‘I know, I’m going to have to finish with him aren’t I?’

‘If you want to keep seeing other guys, definitely,’ I nodded.

‘Shit. How do I do it? It’s bloody Christmas, like I’m not a shit already, to dump him over Christmas?’ she looked at me, obviously expecting me to come up with some miraculous answer for her.

‘Lex it’s not going to be nice for him to hear whenever you do it, but until you end it with him no more sex with anyone else. You promise to
never
tell him that you cheated on him, and you try and end it in a way that means the four of us can stay friends.’

‘Well obviously I’m not going to tell him about the other guys,’ she replied with a roll of her eyes. ‘But how do you dump someone nicely?’

‘You just have to be honest with him.’

‘Yeah right, because “
Hey Doug I’ve been faking it for a couple of months”
is a really nice way to dump someone.’

‘Not about
that
, be honest and tell him that you aren’t ready for a serious relationship, that you need to work on your issues before you can commit to anyone.’