Love Redeemed, Book 4 (3 page)

I st
and and dart my eyes to Azmir.
What? Is this why he came?

With a soft chuckle he sa
ys, “Oh, no, Pastor. Rayna and I are down to one car today. I only rode in with her. I’ll wait out here until she’s done.”

“
Certainly, you didn’t come all this way to sit in the waiting room. Please join us—that’s if Rayna doesn’t mind.” He glances my way, asking my permission. My mouth is wide open, but nothing comes out. This is all so unexpected.

I
carry my gaze up to Azmir who speaks up, “I actually have a few calls and e-mails to return. I’ll be more than occupied out here,” he urges in his CEO mien.

Pastor Edmondson release
s an exhale and admonishes me through his eyes before saying, “We won’t discuss anything that would betray your confidence in our private sessions.” He looks over to Azmir, “Come on. This is as good a time as any.” Pastor Edmonson’s impelled urging doesn’t go unnoticed. Either I blatantly say no and risk offending them both or I bite the bullet and grant Azmir’s attendance in my counseling session. That latter option feels less confrontational.

Azmir cat
ches on to my assent and extends his arm, motioning for me to go ahead of him.

Inside of Pastor Edmondson’s spacious office
, he asks us to take a seat before him and brings a chair over to complete our newly formed triangle. He sits with his pad and pencil as always and begins with, “Azmir, I just want you to know that I am a licensed psychologist as well as the pastor of
Holy Deliverance Tabernacle Church
. My wife is a licensed marriage and family therapist. We’ve combined our spiritual callings with our professional passions, making this assembly a fully encompassed community. With that being said, all things discussed today will be held in strict confidence, in compliance with my professional oath.”

Azmir
nods firmly in agreement. Then Pastor Edmondson turns to me, “So, Rayna, how would you like to handle this session. We can pick up from last week…or perhaps free-style to include Azmir?”

“I don’
t know. Whatever you prefer.” I’m out of my usual bounds.

He smile
s kindly. “Okay…well, why don’t we start with the Proverbs 31 passage that Twanece had you read. What are your thoughts on the virtuous woman?”

Twanece
Edmondson is his wife and the first lady of
Holy Deliverance Tabernacle Church
. When I told them about my engagement, they were both beside themselves in cheer. She quickly instructed that I read Proverbs 31 to get an idea of what type of woman God is calling all women to be. It also encompasses the role of the wife.

“She’s impossible,” I express
, adamantly. “And quite frankly, encourages my anxiety about this whole marriage thing.” I can see Azmir shifting in his seat from my peripheral view.

“She is quite the consummate woman, isn’t she?”
Pastor Edmonson chuckles.

I sh
ake my head, “My goodness…I don’t know how one person can possess so much confidence, wisdom, and faith. I mean, I’m overwhelmed just trying to find where I fit into his universe,” I trill, referring to Azmir. “I’ve been focused on building a small space in the corner of it so that I don’t interrupt anything else, but even that doesn’t seem to be working for me.”

“A small space?”
Pastor Edmonson echoes.

I sp
eak with caution, realizing that I may have loosened my filter with that previous statement. Then I acquiesce to the moment and put it all out there. “Yeah, when I had decided to move in with Azmir, I told myself that I wouldn’t nag him…I wouldn’t be the type of woman who wants to take over. I knew that he was an extremely busy and successful man. I felt that if luck would have it, he would want more with me, and then I would take very little I could and run with it. Then we started the
Purpose Driven Life
journey last summer and I learned that it wasn’t luck, but a blessing to be with someone and not alone because God didn’t create us to isolate us…and I deserve to be loved. I welcomed the opportunity that Azmir was giving me but…” I caution my flow of emotions.

“Take your time
,” Pastor Edmondson soothes.

I
steal a glance over to Azmir, who sits, watching intently with his legs crossed and chin resting on the palm of his hand, fingers splayed long and elegantly about the side of his face. It’s hard to think in his titillating presence. He’s just…
beautiful
. He narrows his eyes, confused by my gaze, causing me to self-consciously look over to Pastor Edmondson, who sits patiently.

Oh!

“Well, lately there has been a crazy turn of events that’s caused me to wonder
if I’m enough for him.” I turn to see Azmir’s grimace.
Crap!
“I’ve had recent discussions with people from Azmir’s past and in these exchanges it became clear that there is so much that makes up this great man and I’d have a lot of catching up to do in order to be an appropriate life partner to him.”

“Why do you think yo
u’re insufficient as you are?” I can sense Pastor Edmondson getting edgy. I hate having to express myself, and this is why. It takes too much effort and pressure!

“It’s not what you think. I’
m done with thinking that I somehow don’t deserve a relationship or love. Neither do I question his attraction to me.” Pastor Edmondson exhales in relief. Something he never does. I need to reassure my development of my self-image. “I know…I  know!” I raise both hands in defense. “I’m a good-hearted, educated, and independent woman. Any man would want, at least, those qualities. Yeah…I’m beautiful and attractive…blah-blah-blah!” I wave off. “We’re past those discoveries. Besides, even Azmir has assisted in
that
department.”

I look over to Azmir
, who gives a mirthful snicker through hooded eyes. I have to quickly shift my focus from him. I then notice Pastor Edmondson blushing in embarrassment.

I recline in my chair. “I don’t know…Azmir has money
, and that provides
much
of what I can think a wife can bring to the table. He has a cook, cleaners, several assistants, a wealth of businesses, narrowing his chances of ever going broke. He has people vying for his attention and friendship. He can have any woman he wants. Look at him!” I swing my arm loosely in Azmir’s direction. “A lack in any of those areas I’ve mentioned is where a wife—a suitable partner could pick up. At least the role of a wife I’d seen coming up and what the Proverb 31 passage describes. I don’t know where to pick up and be needed in his life.” I raise my brows, indicating my need of a break in speaking.

“Azmir, would you like to add something here?” Pastor Edmondson invite
s him into the conversation.

Huhn?
Things just got real. This is no longer a monologue. Now it’s a discussion; something I’m not sure I’m up for.

Azmir
sits up and rests his elbows on his knees, in a defenseless posture. With an expectant pause he utters, “I don’t know what to say, because I’d never thought of my life being so full and complete until you moved in.” He exhales, appearing to be very contemplative. I want to throw him a lifeline by telling him he doesn’t have to feel obligated to speak. But before I can formulate the words, he continues, “When I met you, I thought you were
extremely
…attractive—putting it mildly in front of the pastor.” Azmir throws a glance over to Pastor Edmonson.

“
And when I got the opportunity to get to know you, for the first time in a long time, I felt an overwhelming sense of rejuvenation—and the first time I’d felt it from a person. I wanted to be in your world…hell—
excuse me Pastor Edmondson
—I feel like I’m still trying to claw my way into your heart.” Azmir sits back in his seat and silence coats the room for a moment or two. I’m now steeled in my chair, considering his words.

Before I kno
w it, Azmir speaks again. “When you smile my heart flutters, when you’re indifferent my mind churns, when you cry my stomach twists, and when you run my chest tightens. I know my world is complicated, but it’s by no means full without you.” He turns his penetrative gaze upon me. “I just ask that you work
with
me to find our way.”

I c
an’t believe his affirmation and in front of a total stranger. I’m speechless.

“Azmir here seems to be firm i
n his take on your relationship,” Pastor Edmondson surmises, speaking to me. Then he turns to Azmir and offers, “But separate of your relationship with Rayna, I hear uncertainty in your position on your own life. I’d like to sit down and help you sort through them as well as take on premarital counseling sessions with you.”

“
I don’t know about that.” Azmir stretches his lids and his brows lifts. “I’d have to take some time to consider it.” His words are even, but firm.

“
Do you mind if I ask why?”

“
I’ll be completely honest with you, Pastor. I’m sure much of your guidance will include elucidating all the wrongs in my life and practices, and quite frankly, I’m not so inclined to subject myself to that scrutiny. I’m a decent man, trying to marry an extraordinary woman. Not trying to get converted.”

Pastor Edmondson g
ives a full compassionate smile that reaches his eyes. It’s as if Azmir’s blunt rejection somehow bounces off him.

“
I can totally understand your apprehensions and can validate them as well. Historically, so much of Christian-dome included condemning people to hell and ostracizing the wounded.” I muzzle my
amen
. Pastor Edmonson sits up in his chair, “But Azmir, all I want to do is tell you about a friend name Jesus, Who loves you and wants to meet you where you are to demonstrate His love, grace, and power. It is not my concern what you used to do; neither do I want to measure your imperfections. That isn’t necessary for this type of introduction.”

Azmir
shoots him a look of disbelief. “Pastor, with all due respect, I’m sure one of the first things that will come up is our sexual practices and how we should handle them moving forward. That’s not something I’m willing to discuss or debate. Ever.”

I
’m beginning to get nervous. Azmir is a man of strong authority, an alpha male and I don’t like his resolute tone with my pastor. And I know he’s most rigid in his stance about sex with me.
I mean, look at how he reacted when I suggested we go without in Tahiti.

Pastor Edmondson chuckle
s, “Azmir, I am very clear on the Bible’s stance on fornication. I fully agree with it and can give you countless reasons why it is a solid edict, but I’d much rather discuss where your heart is now and condition that first, to make room for God’s will for your life. Rayna can tell you that it is not mine or my wife’s practice to condemn, but to nurture and prepare hearts for God’s love and instruction. I’m fully aware that you live together and am overjoyed that you’ve asked her hand in marriage. I would like to prepare you for a lifelong, sustainable, and flourishing marriage using godly principles. That is all.”

Pastor Edmondson
rises from his chair and we follow suit, preparing to end the session. He walks to Azmir and me without his previous warm smile. And with a proffered hand to Azmir he says, “You’re a good man, a true leader. Very few warriors of your caliber are made anymore, Azmir. You will be of great help to the kingdom. I would like for you to consider this.”

Azmir stiffen
s as he gives Pastor Edmonson a contemplative gaze. I can tell he’s trying to gauge Pastor Edmondson’s motives and authenticity.

Within seconds
, Azmir takes his hand and says, “I’ll certainly consider it, Pastor Edmondson. This has been very enlightening. Thank you for having me.”

Pastor Edmondson humbly nod
s, “The pleasure was all mine and gratitude should be given to Rayna for providing this connection. Good evening, folks.” His smile returns.

I sa
y my goodbyes and we leave, heading to the marina. The drive is quiet as I’m sure Azmir wrestles with recounts of the session just as I am. Only my thoughts are rushing in and the phenomenon of zapping neurotransmitters is rapid in my brain. All evening, things about my ambiguous relationship with Azmir keep replaying, but coming now with more clarity. This man loves me. For months, I’ve confused his offerings of a commitment for strong attraction or the traditional chase that he and I agreed to last January in the cafeteria of his recreation center.

All this time I’
ve misunderstood what he’s been offering, what’s been taken place between us. Being with Azmir has conjured deficiencies that scared me once I recognized them. I realized a while back that I couldn’t recognize the essence of his desire for me because I didn’t love myself enough to feel worthy of it. I’d always thought when people who professed to love me were done, they simply moved on from my life; even my mother. She had escaped the world of parenting when she found something more compelling to occupy her time. No one other than Michelle stayed past my insecurities, my fears. Even her force of love that I’d grown comfortable with was snatched away from me.