Love, Unwanted (Discovering Love #3) (3 page)

Chapter Four

Almost There, Birdie. Get Ready To Fly.

The doorbell rings. While trying to get to the front door, I stumble over a forgotten shoe. I swing it open and, to my surprise, see Phoenix standing on the other side of it.

After I agreed to him being my adventure tour guide yesterday, he got a phone call from his manager and had to leave. I gave him my phone number, but deep down I never expected to see or hear from him again, especially not at seven-thirty the next morning.

“Hi.”

“Good morning, beautiful.” He smiles. Have I mentioned how amazing his smile is? Because it is. “Mind if I come in?” I nod my head and blush when I realize I’ve just been staring at the man.

“Oh, sure.” I move aside so he can walk in. I know my house is small, but with his huge, domineering presence, my living room looks like a closet. I anxiously watch as he takes in his surroundings. I can only imagine what he’s thinking. I don’t decorate like a grandma, but my design scheme isn’t what one would call modern either.

“Nice pad,” he eventually says.

My eyebrows scrunch in confusion. “Pad?”

“House. Nice house.” He chuckles.

“Oh, thanks.” After a few more minutes of awkward silence, I finally work up the nerve to ask what I’ve been wanting to since I opened my front door. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, since it’s such a bright and sunny day, and we get those so rarely, I figured now is as good a time as any to cross off one of your adventures.”

“But it’s Tuesday.”

“And?”

“I work on Tuesdays,” I answer slowly.

“Don’t you own the library? Just keep it closed for the day.” He shrugs.

“That would be irresponsible.” I regret the sentence as soon as I say it.
Really, Caroline? Could you sound any more like a wet blanket?

“Irresponsibility can be fun, birdie.”

There’s that name again. When he said it yesterday, I almost thought it was an accident, but now I know it’s not. I wonder why he calls me that, but I’m not brave enough to ask. What I know already is that I love it when he calls me birdie.

“Where are we going?”

A triumphant smile spreads across Phoenix’s face at my questions because he knows I’m about to give in.

“It’s a surprise.” Nervous and excited butterflies take flight in my stomach at the prospect of accomplishing one of my wishes.

“Will I be back in time to feed Bubbles? I don’t like to leave her home alone all day.”

Now it’s his turn to look confused. “Bubbles?”

“My fish.” I point to her bowl, which is sitting in the center of my small kitchen table.

“You don’t like to leave your fish home alone all day?”

He looks like he’s holding back a laugh. I’m well aware of the possibility of people not understanding my relationship with Bubbles, but how could anyone understand unless they truly know me?

“Don’t make fun. She means a lot to me!”

He loses the battle with fighting back his laughter.

“I’m serious!” I insist with a foot stomp for good measure.

“Shit, you’re cute,” he says between laughs. He walks over to me. “Deal, sweetheart. I’ll make sure you’re home on time to spend quality time with your fish. Now, go change.”

“Change? Why?”

“Because, babe, as much as I love those tight skirts and fuck me heels you wear,” I blush yet again, “where we’re going today, you need to wear something more along the lines of jeans and tennis shoes.”

“Tennis shoes?” Just the mention of those two words is like nails on a chalkboard. “I don’t wear tennis shoes. Trust me, I can do anything in heels.”

“Not this. Now run along.” I squeak when he pats my bottom and gives me a gentle shove in the direction of my bedroom. “We’re on a schedule.”

What exactly did I get myself into?

***

I turn around and start heading back the down the stairs. “I changed my mind. I don’t want to do this.”

“Oh no you don’t, birdie. It’s on the list. We’re doing it,” Phoenix says while grabbing my hand and pulling me back up. I swallow hard when I look at the death trap in front of me. Out of all my wishes, riding a rollercoaster is the one he had to pick?

As if that’s not bad enough, the crazy man wants me to ride in the very front. I should be grateful. After all, he’s trying to help me, and on top of that, we show up to a closed amusement park and get in without any questions asked. I don’t know if he has connections, used his name, or paid an ungodly amount to get in, but it’s crazy to be the only two people in a place that’s usually swarming with thousands of people every day.

“Really, Phoenix, I don’t think I can do this,” I whisper. In hindsight, I maybe should have mentioned I’m terrified of heights, and, well, anything that’s out of my control before we got here, but I didn’t anticipate I would have this kind of reaction.

My palms are sweaty, my eyes are swimming in unshed tears, my heart is beating a million miles a minute, and I honestly don’t know if I’m closer to puking or passing out.

“Hey,” Phoenix says softly. I look at him and see him giving me a concerned look. “I’m here because you knew,
subconsciously,
this was the kind of reaction you would have. I’m not going to push you to do something that is truly scaring the shit out of you. To be honest, I don’t like that you’re crying right now. It makes me feel like shit, but I’m going to assure you this is safe, Caroline.”

He turns his attention to the beefy man running the ride. “Right, man?”

“Perfectly safe, dear,” he assures me.

“Now, we can leave here and move on to the next item or you can be completely kick ass and conquer this fear. Either option is fine with me, birdie.”

The first thing that wants to fly out of my mouth is “get me the heck out of here,” but I stop myself. He’s right. Deep down, I knew I would react this way. It’s why I’ve never tried.

I can blame my lame lifestyle on Chris hurting me. Mostly, the way he hurt me is to blame. But the other reason my life is lame is because I’m scared and petrified of the unknown. If I walk down those steps, I’m not just disappointing Phoenix. I’m letting myself down.

“I can do this,” I utter as steadily as I can.

“That’s my girl.” He smiles and turns back to the guy. “You heard the lady, fire this bitch up.” Despite the fact I feel as if I’m boarding my death, I laugh at Phoenix’s enthusiasm.

“Okay, now the thing people usually do is put their hands up, but because this is your first time, we’re taking baby steps.” My stomach flips for a whole other reason when he leans over in my personal space to double check my harness.

“You, pretty lady, are going to hold my hand.” I grab the hand he holds out to me like it’s a life line, not embarrassed at all by the fact that I’m probably squeezing the life out of it.

I’ve read books and watched television shows where people talked about the anticipation they felt when you hear the click, click, click sounds on a roller coaster as you’re slowly climbing that hill before the big drop.

My eyes are screwed shut so tightly that if I make it out of this rollercoaster alive, Phoenix is going to have to pry them open with a pair of pliers.

“Almost there, birdie. Get ready to fly.” As soon as that sentence leaves his mouth, we drop.

My stomach flips and I release the loudest scream I’ve ever heard. If there was any hope of Phoenix’s poor hand surviving this ride, it’s gone now. If I was more focused on the ride and less on the fact I was certain I was about to die, I probably would have been laughing at the way he’s hooting and hollering next to me. It’s plain to see Phoenix Castle loves excitement and adventure, which is why he’s the perfect man for this job.

Around the fifth turn, something changes. I start embracing the fear and loosen my grip on his hand. I can feel my face relax as I tilt my head to the sky. I let go of his hand completely and timidly raise my hands in the air.

The girl inside me, the one that’s been dying to come out, is set free as soon as my hands reach the air. It’s the freest I’ve felt in…well, ever, and I never want it to end. I’d do anything to feel like this the rest of my life.

I didn’t know it at the time, but it wouldn’t be long before I’d do anything to have Phoenix with me for the rest of my life.

***

“It was amazing! That feeling, this whole day, was amazing!” I say as Phoenix walks me to my front door. It’s probably the hundredth time I’ve said it, but I can’t help it. I’ve been on a high since that first ride.

“I’m glad you had fun, Caroline,” he says. “I know I did.” The piercing look he gives me makes me wonder if he’s talking about more than just the ride. I shut my thoughts down and tell myself this is just an arrangement.

“Thank you for today.”

“You’re welcome, but the night isn’t over yet.”

Laughter bubbles out of me when he reaches in his back pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

“Ready for number two?”

“Hit me with your best shot.”

He chuckles at my enthusiasm before lighting a cigarette and handing it to me.

As soon as I inhale the smoke, I choke. My eyes widen and I grab my neck while coughing uncontrollably. Later, I’d be embarrassed about Phoenix slapping my back.

“Those are bloody awful! Who would ever want to smoke?” I say, my voice closely resembling the sound a frog makes.

“I have no clue, sweetheart. Not a fan of them myself.”

Once I can breathe again, I look up and see his face so close to mine. On their own accord, my eyes drop to his lips. I want so badly to kiss them just to see if they are as delicious as they look.

“I have to feed my fish,” I blurt. He drops his head and his shoulders shake with soundless laughter. He takes a step back.

“Go feed your fish, birdie,” he orders.

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you soon,” he says. He turns and walks to his car. His words sound like a promise. My only thought is
I sure hope so.

Chapter Five

Living Life Recklessly

“I’m not getting on that,” I say stubbornly for the hundredth time since I walked out of my library and saw Phoenix straddling his bike on the curb.

“Come on, Caroline, it’s just a motorcycle. I’ll even drive slowly,” he says through his smooth smile, the smile I’ve come to love over the past three weeks I’ve spent with him.

It doesn’t feel like it’s been three weeks since I met Phoenix Castle, but, without a doubt, it’s been the best three weeks of my life. We have spent almost every day crossing things off my list and even doing things not on my list that he thought needed to be done anyway.

I didn’t know life could be this way. I didn’t know it could be so much fun, that a person could feel so free. It has only been a short time, but when I’m with him, I feel like a different person. I feel like I could conquer everything on my list. I feel like I could live the life I’ve always dreamed of.

It’s freeing to feel this way, but it’s petrifying at the same time. I love having these feelings, but what if Phoenix is the only reason I feel this way? What’s going to happen when he leaves?

I hate the sick feeling I get in my stomach when I even think about a time when Phoenix won’t be a part of my life, but these past few weeks I’ve constantly reminded myself that time is coming and I shouldn’t get attached.

I’ve also tried so hard during our time together to not develop any kind of feelings for him. That hasn’t gone so well. Despite how hard I’ve tried, I know somewhere inside me I have buried feelings for him.

I keep telling myself despite the way he looks at me, or the sweet things he says to me, it wouldn’t matter. Phoenix’s life is so different from mine. He lives life recklessly, and it’s just a matter of time before he’s on the road again.

Falling in love with him would be pointless and painful. Phoenix isn’t my prince. So, while I still have him in my life, while I’m still on this spontaneous adventure, I’m going to do what Caroline Taylor has never done. I’m going to go with the flow, live life recklessly, and not worry about the future.

“Come on, birdie. Hop on.”

“How am I supposed to climb on the back of that thing wearing this?” I screech while waving my hand down my body. I watch as his eyes scan my yellow silk blouse, gray pencil skirt, and yellow heels before his eyes make their way back to me with a smile in them.

“You look fine to me,” he says suggestively with a little eyebrow wiggle.

I find his smirk both annoying and comforting. Before I can think twice, I give in. I mean, really, who am I kidding? Phoenix and I both knew I was getting on that bike regardless of what I was wearing.

“Where are we going?” I sigh as I grab the extra helmet he hands me.

“You know the rules, babe,” he reminds me while helping me on the back of the bike. He’s right. I know the rules, yet I still ask every time, even though I know he’s not going to tell me what item we’re crossing off the list.

“Hold on tight,” he screams over the roar of the motorcycle. He doesn’t have to tell me twice. My arms immediately lock around him. He laughs. “Not that tight, love. I still gotta breathe.”

I can’t help the red tint that covers my face. I’m thankful he can’t see it. I loosen my grip…well, until he takes off away from the curb. Then my grip tightens right back up. I silently pray he didn’t notice, but judging by his loud laughter, I know he did.

I have no clue where Phoenix is taking us or how long we’ve been riding, but after a while my grip loosens and I relax. Just like with the roller coaster, before I know what is happening, my head tilts to the sky, I feel the warm sun beat on my face, and I begin to enjoy myself.

My eyes widen when I see Phoenix take one of his hands from the handlebars. I’m just about ready to scream for him to put it back, but I’m struck mute when he rests his hand on my knee.

He softly strokes my thumb with his calloused thumb. Butterflies erupt in my stomach. When he gives my knee a gentle squeeze, all thoughts of telling him to put his hand back on the handle bar where it belongs disappear. I want his hand to stay right where it is.

I’ve constantly been back and forth whether or not I should fight my growing feelings for him. I always remind myself to shut them off or run from circumstances such as this one, where he makes me want things I know in my heart I’ll never have, but I don’t want to right now. I just want to live in this moment with Phoenix. I just want to make believe, for just this motorcycle ride or just tonight, that I can have this, that Phoenix Castle is the prince I’ve been waiting for my entire life.

***

“What is this place?” I ask in awe after Phoenix helps me off his bike. I mean, it’s obvious what I’m looking at. I just never expected any of the wishes on my list to lead to us staring at the remnants of an old, but stunning, stone castle.

“I stumbled on this place one night after a show. It’s beautiful,” he says. He takes my hand and guides us up a big, grass covered hill where the castle sits on top. From the top of the hill, the view and beauty of the castle and its surroundings is even more magnificent.

I realize, in this instant, just how much I’ve missed out by closing myself off from the real world and burying my head in books. My whole childhood, I read about the beauty of Ireland. I’m an adult now. I live in the country I dreamed of my entire life, and I’m completely taking it for granted.

“It
is
beautiful,” I agree, “but I don’t really understand what this has to do with my list of items.”

My stomach tightens when Phoenix gives me his half smile, the one I’m sure drives women crazy.

“Well…one of your items was to scream at the top of a mountain. I figure this castle would make a nice substitute.” I don’t answer verbally. I just look back at the castle and silently agree. This is a beautiful substitute.

I follow Phoenix to the door of the tower, but I stop following him as soon as I take my first step in. “Are you sure this safe?” I ask cautiously when I get my first glimpse at the crumbling stairs.

“Perfectly safe, birdie.”

He makes me go ahead of him. I can’t help but pause when I hear him mumble on my first step, “At least I hope so.” I look at him with an expression I’m sure expresses pure horror. His laugh echoes through the stairwell. “I’m joking, baby. Come on.”

I ignore the tightening in the pit of my stomach when he calls me baby. He grabs my hand and leads me up the stairs. After what feels like hours of climbing, my feet are throbbing because of my heels. I’m just about to call it quits when we reach the roof of the castle.

All thoughts of my aching feet cease when I see the beauty in front of me. “This is amazing,” I whisper in awe to myself as I walk closer to the edge of the castle roof. Unlike most days in Lishoy, the sun shines bright and the air is warm with an occasional cool breeze washing through.

The scenery is phenomenal. For miles, there are nothing but big, beautiful, green hills. In the distance, I see a big bay of almost crystal clear water; I’m shocked by its beauty. It’s one thing to read about this in books; it’s another to experience it.

“I can’t believe I wasted so much time.”

“What do you mean?” Phoenix asks. I jump when I hear his voice. I was so lost in my own head I forgot he was on this roof with me. I shake my head to clear my thoughts when I see him looking at me, waiting for the answer to his question.

“What?”

“What do you mean by ‘you can’t believe you wasted so much time?’?”

“I’ve been in Ireland for years. When I was little, I made a promise to myself that if I ever came here, I would explore, try new things, and live. All I ever had growing up that counted as adventures was what I read in my books. I’ve wasted so much time being too scared to actually live that I’ve missed out on all of this beauty.”

Sadness is heavy in my voice and Phoenix, being Phoenix, picks up on it immediately. I take a calming breath when I feel him wrap his arm around my shoulders.

For a moment, neither one of us says anything. We just stare at the beauty in a comfortable silence. I’m used to silence. In fact, I even enjoy it, which is why it’s been so easy for me to close myself off from the world.

It’s being around people that makes me feel uncomfortable. I never know what to say or how to act. I’m just…awkward, but I don’t feel that way with Phoenix. I’ve never felt that way with him. Of course I still get tongue tied when he smiles or blush when he calls me baby, but I’ve always felt safe with him, which is something I’ve never felt with anyone before.

“You know what I think, birdie?” He finally says as he turns to me.

“What?”

“I think it sucks that you had the kind of life you had and, just from the little you told me, I don’t blame you for closing yourself off from the world. Anyone would have done the same thing, but you don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re brave.”

I instinctively roll my eyes and open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off before I get a chance to get a word out. “Nope. No arguing, sweetheart, because it’s true. You went through what you went through, and yes, it took some time, but now you’re doing what you said you always would.”

Without giving me any chance to respond or disagree, he grabs my hand and turns us back toward the hills. “So, are you ready to cross another item off the list?”

With that question and the prospect of crossing another item off my list, all the heaviness from earlier disappears. “I’m ready.” I smile.

“Okay, so we came up here to scream. So…scream.”

Now I’m having second thoughts about this item, but I ignore any potential embarrassment and take in a deep breath before letting out what I’m sure is the wimpiest scream anyone has ever cried out.

Phoenix is too quiet. I turn my head toward him and see him barely holding back laughter. When he continues to struggle and not say anything, I lose my patience. “What?”

I jump when a bark of laughter escapes his mouth. “You call that a scream? No, sweetheart, that was nowhere near the kind of yell I’m looking for.”

Phoenix lets out the loudest yell I’ve ever heard. My eyes bulge and I jump again. Phoenix looks at me, a big smile on his face. I laugh.

“Oh my God.”

“
That’s
a yell. Now try again, and this time, mean it. Think about your childhood, think about everything you missed out on. Channel all of your anger and then scream.”

After another deep breath, I do exactly what he tells me to do. I think about my past, I think about what it was like and how I was hurt when I first moved to Lishoy, and I open my mouth and scream. But, unlike Phoenix, I don’t stop screaming, not for a very long time. I yell so long, I know my throat will hurt for a while. Then I yell some more.

Finally, I run out of breath and stop, but only long enough to pull in another breath so I can laugh. I look back at Phoenix. His eyes widen with what I think is a little bit of shock, but he’s also laughing.

“That felt amazing!” I say after I get my laughter under control.

“Told you. It’s invigorating, almost therapeutic.”

I don’t know what comes over me, if it’s the feeling of releasing some of my anger or the fact I’m just so grateful to him for being in my life, but I shock us both when I throw my arms around his neck. After a few moments of him not reciprocating the hug, I realize what I did and begin to pull away, but he stops me by tightly wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Thank you, Phoenix. Thank you for everything,” I say in his ear.

“You don’t have to thank me, birdie. Your face when you complete one of these items, the happiness you feel, is thanks enough. I should be thanking you for just letting me get a piece of that beautiful light inside you.”