Love, Unwanted (Discovering Love #3) (10 page)

My fingers go to the hem of my dress, but I hesitate. I’ve never been naked in front of him. I know I’m not the slimmest or most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen. I’m sure there have been plenty of girls whose bodies could blow me out of the water. I have jiggle where I shouldn’t have jiggle. I’m not fat, I know this, and I normally am not a person who would obsess about this, but the stakes have never been so high.

What if he doesn’t like what he sees? Oh God, what if he’s repulsed by me? I think I’m going to be sick!
Suck it up, Caroline! Pull yourself together. Channel your inner goddess and handle this shit!

Deep breath in, then out. Once again, my fingers go to the hem of my dress. “Let me undress you, baby?”

Phoenix stops me by putting his hand on mine. At a loss for words, all I can manage is a small nod to let him know he can.

I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I wasn’t even this nervous when I lost my virginity. It stung when I was dumped immediately after sleeping with Chris, but if it happened again…with Phoenix? I don’t think I would ever recover. I would be shattered.

“Lift your arms, love,” he commands softly. I obey. My face heats up and my heart pounds as he slowly lifts my dress above my head before tossing it to the side.

All I’m left in is my panties and bra. I’m looking everywhere but at him. My mind is racing a thousand miles a minutes, just wondering what he’s thinking right now.

Phoenix isn’t waiting any longer for me to look at him. He grabs my chin and forces me to. “You are the most stunning woman I have ever had the honor to lay eyes on and I don’t ever want you to be embarrassed in front of me again. You get me, birdie?”

Just like that, my fears go away. Yes, I could sit here and let the negative thoughts eat away at me. I could think he probably says that to all the girls, but I don’t because I’m looking in his eyes and I know he’s telling me the truth. He thinks I’m beautiful and that’s everything to me.

I only have one way to respond to his beautiful words and that’s to taste him again. I’ve never taken charge of a kiss, but I love the feeling of being in control, and I love that he’s giving control to me, at least for a minute.

My nerves are quieted because I’m so distracted by this heart-stopping kiss, but they come back full force when Phoenix uses his body to guide me down on the bed.

“Tonight is all about you. I just want to make you feel good. Will you let me, baby?” As he whispers this to me, he rests his weight on his elbow, which is resting on the mattress, while he runs his other hand down the length of my body.

I’m so lost in the extraordinary feeling of finally having his hands on me that his question goes in one ear and out the other. I can feel my core tighten the closer he gets to my center. The slow pace he’s taking is enchanting torture. Just when I think it’s about to be over, that he’s about to put me out of this misery, his hand stops on my lower stomach.

“Answer me, baby. Will you let me?”

“Yes, Phoenix…please,” I whimper.

His hands go to my sides, where he grabs my panties and slowly drags them down my legs. He tosses them to the side to lie on the floor next to my dress.

My earlier embarrassment comes back when he snakes his hands up my legs, starting from my ankles, until he reaches my knees. Then he spreads my legs apart. I’m bare to him and vulnerable.

I fight the urge to close my legs. This room is dark, so I can’t see his face, and he hasn’t said anything. Still, that doesn’t make me feel any less exposed.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, baby. I’ve fantasized about what this pretty pink pussy would taste like. I don’t want to wait another minute to find out. Can I taste you, birdie?”

My heart is racing a million miles a minute and my mouth goes dry instantly. No one has ever done that to me. I hate that I’m like this. I’m embarrassed by his question. It makes me want to run and hide, but at the same time, the more daring part of me wants to scream yes!

I hate it, but the truth is, Phoenix could have any girl he wants. A woman who isn’t afraid of this, a girl more experienced. This is the worst possible moment for me to have these thoughts.

“Baby, I’ll make you feel so good. Tell me I can taste you.”

I mean really, how can you say no to that?
My fears and thoughts shut up.

“Yes,” I whisper.

“Thank fuck,” he hisses. Then he licks…
there
. “Mmm. Just as fucking good as I imagined it.”

My hips leave the mattress when his mouth goes back to my center, where he begins to suck on my clit.

I can’t stop the loud, long moan that escapes me. “I love that sound, sweetheart. You’re so wet for me.” I cry out again when I feel his long finger slide inside of me. “And so fucking tight. It’s all mine isn’t it, baby?”

The more he talks, the faster he thrusts in and out of me, all the while sucking on my pulsating bud. I can feel it building, a pleasure like I’ve never felt before. I’m so close, so close to just letting go, giving into this desire and letting the waves wash through me.

That’s why I almost burst into tears when he suddenly stops. “Answer me, Caroline! This beautiful pussy, you, it’s all mine, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Yes, it’s yours.” I would say anything in that moment just to get that feeling back, but the reality is that it’s true. Phoenix Castle owns me and I’m still not convinced that’s a good thing.

“Fuck yes. Now, come for me,” he demands. He thrusts his finger inside me and licks and sucks my clit. I’ve read about that incredible feeling women get during sex in books a thousand times, but, like most other things I’ve read about love, I thought it was a lie.

I’ve had sex, and yes, it felt good, after the pain subsided, but it wasn’t the kind of pleasure I always thought it would be. The way I feel right now is almost indescribable.

It’s trying to take over me, this feeling of pure bliss, but I’m fighting. It’s an unknown feeling, a promising feeling, one I just know will be a feeling I won’t forget, but I’m struggling to let go of control.

“Let go, baby,” he whispers, and I do. The moment I stop fighting, waves of ecstasy crash through me. I was right. It’s a feeling I won’t ever forget. I’ve lost all control of every one of my senses. Every sentiment is amplified.

“Oh my God,” I moan.

“Yes, baby, let me have it. I fucking love the way you taste. Just like candy.” Just when I think it’s about to end, another surge crashes through me and I’m crying out again.

The last of this heaven shoots through me and I float back to reality. I’m vaguely aware of Phoenix crawling back up my body before he says, “That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed.”

Of course his words make me blush, which causes him to laugh. “I’ll be right back, babe.” He kisses me on the temple. Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom.

A million thoughts are circling my brain, but surprisingly I’m too tired to focus on any of them. I close my eyes and I’m just outside of dreamland when I feel him climb back in bed next to me.

The last thing I hear is him whispering in my ear, “I’m keeping you,” before I give in to the best night of sleep I’ve ever had.

Chapter Thirteen

What Have You Done To Me?

“Are you sure you have to stay here tonight?” Phoenix asks me for the millionth time since bringing me back to my house.

“Yes.” I laugh. “It’s closer to work and now that the library is cleaned up and the books have been replaced, I can open it back up tomorrow.” That’s what I answer, but what I really want to say is,
“No, I don’t want to stay here all by myself. The past two weeks with you were amazing and I have no clue how I’m going to sleep without you lying next to me,”
but I don’t.

Spending so much time with him really has been amazing. I’ve learned new things about him. I also got to meet his two bandmates, Nick and Shaun, and their girlfriends, Emily and Liz. It was nice meeting people from Phoenix’s world who I actually get along with. It was refreshing to learn not all the girls around him are like Marcy, a complete bitch who just wants to sleep with Phoenix.

The best part of staying with him is it brought Phoenix and me that much closer. We have the kind of relationship I’ve always longed for, which makes leaving tonight even harder, but I do need to open the library back up. I have to return to my life.

That’s only one of the reasons I’m choosing to come home. The other reason is I don’t want it to become too much for him. He’s a guy that’s not used to relationships. I don’t want him to feel like I’m crowding him or trying to cling to him.

I’m not sure where that fear comes from because he’s never given me a reason to think he doesn’t want me with him. In fact, he constantly shows that he wants me with him. Like right now, he’s sitting on my doorstep pouting because I haven’t changed my mind.

He’s been nothing but good to me since that first night we spent together in his hotel room That first night…one of the best nights of my life. I was worried it would change things between us, and it did, but in one hell of an amazing way.

I went to bed that night not knowing how I would feel the next morning, but all I wanted the next day was to do it again. Which we did…and other things. We’ve done everything but make love. Not because I’ve stopped us, but because he has. He said he wants to make sure I’m ready, that it is really what I want.

I’ve told him numerous times it is, but all he says is he’ll know when it’s time, so until then I’ll wait patiently. Well, I’ll try. It would be easier if I didn’t feel like he was teasing me every time I turn around with a kiss, a touch, or just a look.

Yet another reason I’ve chosen to come back home. I need to think. Yes, right now I want to sleep with him. Going home was not an easy decision to make after seeing him every day, sometimes without a bloody shirt right after he works out! I think some time alone to have a chance to really think about what I want and if I’m ready for that wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

“Fine.” He sighs and I know I’ve won this round. I smile when he grabs my hips and pulls me to him. “You call me if anything happens, and I mean
anything
. Understand?”

“Nothing is going to happen, but I will call you.”

Because I’ve come to know this man, I know that he’s about to dive into a thirty-minute lecture about being safe and knowing my surroundings, like he did this morning, and in the car on the way here. So, to prevent this, I kiss him. He doesn’t kiss me back.

Instead, without even taking his lips from mine, he says, “You don’t know if anything will happen to you while you’re here alone.”

“Phoenix.” I sigh and look at the sky, silently asking God for patience.

“It’s true! The only way to know that nothing will happen to you is if you’re with me. I’d kick anybody’s ass who comes near you.” He smirks.

“And, while I’m grateful for that, like I’ve told you a hundred times since last night, I have to work tomorrow.’

“You can’t work if you stay at my place?”

“My place is closer.”

“So, I’ll drive you.”

“All my work clothes are here.”

“You go pack, I’ll wait.”

“I have a bunch of work I have to do on my laptop.”

“That’s the great things about laptops, babe. They’re portable.”

“Phoenix!” I snap. I’ve finally lost my patience. He has an answer for everything.

“What?” He laughs.

“You have an answer for everything,” I reply with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m sorry.” He relents and gives me a quick kiss. “I’m just going to miss you.”

Cue the corny heart flutter. I’m going to miss him too. God does it feel good to know he feels the same. I started missing him the moment I got the call from the contractor saying my library was ready to open. That’s when I knew it was time to return home.

“I’m going to miss you too.” I wrap my arms around his neck. Before I give him a chance to respond, I decide to be a little more brazen than usual and show him how much I’m going to miss him.

He responds to the kiss instantly, and in true Phoenix Castle fashion takes control of it. This kiss is something else and leaves us both breathless by the time it ends. “Are you sure you won’t come back with me?” he says breathlessly.

“I’m sure,” I reply with a laugh, but it’s a lie. I wasn’t sure about going home when I woke up tucked into his body, and I’m definitely not sure after that kiss.

“I’ll call you later,” he says after one more quick peck.

“Bye.” I smile even though I’m dying inside and screaming for him not to go.

“Bye, birdie.”

I close and lock the door, but I don’t move from where I’m standing. It’s quiet, too quiet, which is annoying. Considering that before Phoenix, quiet was something I welcomed, something I actually encouraged, it’s odd how annoying this silence is. That just proves how much my life has changed.

“Well, Bubbles, I guess it’s just you and me.”

I walk to the kitchen table. She looks just as thrilled at this news as I am. I look at the clock and see that it’s five at night. Only about five more hours and it’ll be bedtime.

With nothing else to do, I decide that I’ll actually do what I told Phoenix I have to do and start ordering more books online.

***

I roll over in bed and see that it’s only nine forty-five. It’s only been five minutes since I last checked.

I couldn’t concentrate long enough to get anything done, so I read the entire evening away, then went to bed early. By that, I mean I lay in bed, unable to sleep.

For the past forty-five minutes, all I’ve done is toss and turn. My mind switches back and forth between wondering what the hell I was thinking coming home when I could be sleeping next to Phoenix right now to jumping at every little noise and fearing someone’s trying to break in.

I was being truthful before we left his hotel when I told him I wasn’t the least bit scared of someone trying to mess with me while I was alone. I wasn’t scared…until the sun started to set.

Over the past weeks, I haven’t really had much time to sit and think about the threats or the break-ins. I left my mess of a library and went straight to Phoenix’s bed, where I was well distracted.

Now that I’m by myself, I can’t stop my thoughts from wandering to the break-in and trying to figure out who could be trying to scare me. I’ve never had any kind of problem like this until I met Phoenix, and the notes make it obvious it’s happening because of him, which tells me it’s someone from his life.

Marcy is the obvious answer, but I have no way to prove it. I don’t know what kind of history they have, but it doesn’t take a genius to guess. I don’t want to tell Phoenix about me thinking she has something to do with it until I have proof because I don’t know how he’ll react.

I’m pulled from my contemplations when I hear my doorbell ring. My whole body freezes. My doorbell ringing at eleven at night? I assume the worst. It’s a murderer. When it rings rapidly three more times, I jump out of bed and throw my robe on as fast as possible before reaching under my bed and grabbing a baseball bat I hid under there earlier.

I’m sure, in a small corner of my brain somewhere, there’s a piece of common sense screaming at me that if there was a murderer on the other side of my front door, they wouldn’t be ringing the bell. But that part is drowned out by the rest of my brain, which is screaming at me to throw the door open and kick some killer butt!

The doorbell continues to ring as I finish my small trek to the door and look through the peephole. “Phoenix?”

I’m surprised and relieved to see him. My hand goes to the doorknob, but I stop myself when I remember I’m holding a Louisville slugger in the other hand.

At the risk of him getting sick of waiting and leaving, I toss the bat behind my couch then throw the door open.

“Hi!” I greet breathlessly with a smile. My smile begins to fade when I get a glimpse of a very annoyed Phoenix. My smile disappears completely when he doesn’t say anything, just storms past me and heads for my room.

Uh…okay!
I shut the door and lock it before following him. I walk into my room and see he’s thrown off his shirt and jeans, leaving him only in his boxer briefs.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

Once again, he ignores me. I don’t know what his problem is, but the fact he basically just stormed in and is now ignoring me is starting to piss me off.

I’m about to tell him where to shove it when he throws the covers back and climbs in my bed. “I don’t know what the hell you did to me, woman, but I can’t sleep without you. So, could you please get your sexy ass over here and put me out of my misery? I have rehearsal in the morning.”

All of my anger goes away, and I waste no time doing just that. I take off my robe and climb in next to him, but just lying next to him isn’t good enough for him. He wraps his arms around me and pulls until I’m tucked in his side.

“Night, baby.” He sighs.

“Night, Phoenix.” The last thought I have before sleep claims me is, I’m no longer falling in love with Phoenix—I’ve fallen.

Shit.