Authors: Kendra Kilbourn
Lovely Shadows (28 page)
He smiled widely at me. I grinned back as the congregation gave a standing ovation.
After church, we went out to lunch at one of the local diners. The place was packed, and everyone stopped by the table to congratulate me on finding Aidan's killer. I smiled and shook hands but inside, I felt empty, like something was missing. It wasn't because people didn't know the whole truth, or even that I was completely unworthy of such intense praise. I pinpointed the problem later that night in the quiet of my bedroom. I still had something left to do.
I called Levi as soon as I woke up the next morning. I explained what I planned to do and promised to be home that night.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No,” I said, staring out into the sunrise. “I need to do this alone, I think. But Levi, I promise to come back, okay? Tonight, it's you and me.”
“Forever,” he added.
“And always. I love you.”
“I love you. Be safe.”
I got dressed and went downstairs. Dad and Mom were quietly talking over coffee. It still amazed me how civil they were, that divorce hadn't damaged their respect for each other. I knew Dad's military life wasn't ideal for Mom, but the love was still there between them.
I grabbed a package of Pop-Tarts and sat down at the table. After explaining to them my plans for the day—and enduring the necessary protests—they agreed to let me make the trip. Billie, however, would not be left behind. I picked her up on my way out of town.
We arrived in Blue Rapids a few hours later, just an hour shy of noon. I drove straight to the cemetery and followed the winding dirt lanes to the “S” section. I parked under the shade of an elm tree, locked the doors, made my way past crumbling tombstones and tall marble pillars. I reached Aidan's grave, fell to my knees, and laid my head against the cool headstone. I traced his name with my finger, glorying in each and every letter. Billie sank down next to me, resting her hands on her knees.
All the things I needed to say failed me now. He wasn't here to listen. The best I could do now was say goodbye and walk away. However, my mouth refused to form the words, my feet refused to move. I stayed on the ground with my face on the marble plate.
“He's not here, Billie,” I said, letting the truth of the words hit me.
“No, but he's not really gone. He's in you, Jessa. Everything good about Aidan is in you.”
“I know.” I really did know. Aidan was so ingrained into every fiber of my being that it seemed physically impossible to believe he was truly gone.
I heard the snap of a stick. Billie and I both jumped to our feet and searched for the intruder. Walking towards us were Darren and Laura, hand in hand. Seeing them side-by-side, I understood then why they loved each other. Darren's protective nature gave Laura a safe haven to turn to when things got hard. Lately, life had never been harder.
They cautiously approached us and stopped just short of where we stood.
“I'm glad you came,” Billie said, hugging Laura.
“You called them?” I asked.
“Right after you called me. You two need to talk. Darren, care to take a walk?”
He looked down at Laura. “Will you be okay?”
“I'll be fine,” she nodded.
He kissed her nose then started down the row with Billie. She must have said something funny because he laughed. Laura dug her toe into the ground while I fidgeted. What was I supposed to say to her?
“Let's sit,” I suggested, pointing towards a shallow bench that sat at the foot of the grave to our right.
“Sure.”
We sat down, neither one of us speaking. It seemed she had nothing to say either. So we stared at Aidan's headstone, feeling the pain of his absence jointly. Words for this moment should be easy, but I couldn't find them. I decided one of us needed to say something, no matter how stupid.
“I love him, you know,” I informed her. It was the first thing I could think of to say.
“I know. I can tell. How long was he...I mean, were you with him for a long time?”
“About six weeks, I think, before I actually confronted him. I cannot begin to explain how annoying it was being followed by something you really couldn't see.”
“I can imagine.”
“He was sweet and funny. It was impossible to hate him, even easier to love him. I miss him, you know?”
“I miss him, too. He and I were always close. That was why I couldn't tell him about Darren. After everything Amber put him through, how could I betray him like that? Still, I knew I was meant to be with Darren, even in high school.
“I dated Andy for about a month after homecoming. We broke up because I didn't like his temper. He got upset over the dumbest things. I was young and stupid; I thought I knew what love was. After I graduated high school, I moved away for college. I bumped into Darren on campus at a party. He was visiting his cousin, I guess. Anyway, we started talking and that night, I slept with him.”
“On the first date?”
She smiled. “I'm not proud of it, but he was a piece of home. I was a homesick freshman; Darren was the kid I knew from back home. It happened.” She shrugged.
“When I woke up the next morning, he made me breakfast in bed and decorated my dorm room with wildflowers he picked from a field outside of town. I knew then that I'd marry him some day. I had to be blind not to see how perfect he was for me.”
“What about the abortion?”
Sniffling, she said, “I found out I was pregnant in March. I wasn't far along. Neither Darren nor I were prepared for a baby. I still had two years of college left. Ironically, I'm studying to be a pediatric nurse. Plus, I couldn't face my parents, especially my father. I love him, but he's difficult. The military never really left him. After a lot of discussion, we decided to have an abortion. Had I known Aidan would die that night...
“I kept picturing it in my head. I go over that day step by step. Was Aidan's death God's retribution for my actions? Because I took a life, I had to be punished? I just don't understand. If only I'd stayed home that night, if only Aidan had driven his car...”
I rubbed her shoulder. “Laura, you can't blame yourself. Aidan didn't die because you had an abortion. He died because Andy had an ax to grind. His blood is not on your hands—it's on Andy's.”
“I know that's supposed to make me feel better, but I think it'll be a while before I believe it.”
“Someday, you will. In the meantime, we just got to keep living. Aidan was full of life. We need to be, too.”
“Thanks.”
Darren and Billie rejoined us. We stood up and held each other for a long moment. Then I turned to Darren.
“I'm sorry I accused you of being a murderer.”
He laughed. “Honestly, I think I've been called worse. As long as you at least think I'm okay now, I'll forgive you.”
“You're okay. Just treat her right.”
He squeezed her. “Always.”
“Though I do have a quick question for you. Why were you in Browton buying duct tape and rope?”
“We were simply passing through Browton after a quick weekend in Colorado. Someone hit the back of my car and messed up the trunk. It wouldn't close right so I had to rope it shut. The duct tape was for extra measure.”
“Oh, I suppose that's logical.”
“Better than killing someone, right?”
I nodded.
We said goodbye. I gave Aidan's stone one last kiss before I walked away for good.
Back at home, I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. I called Levi to let him know I was back, but I wasn't up for much. He understood. I promised to see him tomorrow.
I fell into a fitful sleep. Now that the haze I'd lived in for the past week had completely lifted, dreams about Andy invaded my slumber. I kept waking up in a cold sweat, biting my pillow to keep from screaming. After almost three hours, I finally gave up on the idea of sleep and went to the bathroom. When I came back, I nearly screamed for a different reason. Casually lounging on my bed was Aidan.
At first I was sure I was hallucinating, but then he opened his arms and I knew he was real. I jumped into his arms and held him as tight as I could. Tears ran down my cheeks and soaked into his shirt. Then I kissed him everywhere I could, shaking from fright and wonder. I couldn't believe he was here. I'd seen him cross over. So...
“I thought you were gone. I mean, I watched you leave.”
“I know,” he said, smoothing my hair from my face, “but I couldn't go yet. I fought the light as hard as I could. I've been making my way back to you ever since.”
“But you can't stay, can you?”
He shook his head. “No, but I had to properly say goodbye. I had to see you one more time. I needed to kiss you again.”
“I've missed you so much, Aidan. You can't possibly imagine. I thought that day was it, that I would never see you again.”
“I considered not coming back. I really did. I hoped that you'd move on with your life, but I knew better. A love like ours doesn't move on; it gets better with time.”
“It does,” I promised. “I'm so glad you're here. How long can you stay?”
“I don't know. It took everything in me just to get back here. But I'll stay as long as I can.” He kissed my cheek then my chin. “I won't leave you until I have to. Until then, we can do whatever you want to.”
“All I really want is for you to hold me.”
We laid down and I snuggled against him. He wrapped his arms around me, tucking me as tightly against his body as he could. I updated him about everything that had happened since I last saw him. He listened with reserved amusement.
“Everything worked out in the end,” he commented.
“Except losing you,” I pointed out.
“Right.” He smiled warmly.
“I love you, Aidan. I'll love you forever.”
“Jessa, loving you has been the best part of my life. I'd die a hundred times if it meant I could have you. I love you. Forever.”
“For eternity.”
We lapsed into silence, words no longer useful. I fought so hard against the fatigue that was pressing down on me. Aidan began humming a tune I didn't recognize. Lulled by the perfect and beautiful sound of his voice, I closed my eyes.
When the morning came, Aidan was gone.
About The Author
Kendra Kilbourn is the wife of a police officer and mother to four rambunctious daughters. When she is not writing, she drives buses for her county's transportation system. She is addicted to Dr. Pepper and her father's cheesecake. She lives in Michigan.
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