Lovely Shadows (22 page)

“I have to; I can't avoid him forever.” She went into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. Aidan found this amusing. As if a simple lock could stop a ghost who walked through walls. He knew she needed her privacy so he stayed put, stressing the entire time.

Five minutes later, she emerged red-faced and calm.

“Well?”

She shrugged. “We're good. I just realized I missed him.”

“Oh.” Aidan wasn't sure how to respond. He must have looked depressed or something because she crossed the room and wrapped her arms around him.

“I miss him, but I don't want to be anywhere but here with you, okay? Remember, it's just you and me, right here, right now.”

“He's always going to be there, Jessa. I can't ignore that he's a huge part of your life. He'll be here when I'm gone.”

“You're here now, and I'm going to make the most of it.” She kissed him, but he wasn't in the mood anymore. The constant reminder of Levi grated on him. It marred every aspect of their relationship. No matter what Aidan and Jessa did, Levi would be there, too.

“Aidan?”

“Huh?” he answered distractedly.

“Stop brooding..and kiss me. Now.”

He laughed. “It's hard to argue with you when you look at me like that.”

“Good.”

He kissed her, but his heart still wasn't in it. She seemed realize it was a lost cause. She propped herself up on the pillows and turned on the TV. They watched a Hallmark movie that surprisingly left Jessa in tears. He handed her a Kleenex, and she dabbed her eyes. Shortly after, she fell asleep. Her phone started ringing again, but Aidan turned it off. Her family and friends had the rest of her life to speak with her, to yell at her and ground her. His days with her were numbered. He was selfish enough to demand her complete attention.

Tomorrow or even next week they could have her back. For now, she was his, and he wasn't sharing.

17.

I was tired. I was tired of playing Nancy Drew. I was tired of fielding countless phone calls. I was tired of the diner, the motel, the constant dead ends, Blue Rapids...I was wore down and wore out. The only positive to any of this was Aidan. As long as I had him, everything was infinitely more bearable.

Another fruitless day of searching for Laura and Darren left me exhausted and frustrated. Aidan stood at the window in our room, staring out at the river. I had no comfort to offer, no more options to give. The truth was an awful thing to face: We might have to accept there really was nothing we could do. I called Billie and updated her. She didn't really care; she had problems of her own.

“I'm late!” she shouted through the phone.

“Late for what?”

“Late! You know,
late
!”

“Wait, you think you're...Billie, that isn't possible. You slept with Luke less than a week ago. I'm sure you're fine.”

“No, I'm not!” she screeched. “I've never been more
un-fine
in my life! What do I do?”

I shrugged even though she couldn't see me. “Take a pregnancy test?”

“I already did that; it was negative.”

Suffice to say, I felt relieved. “I don't think you have anything to worry about. It would be another few weeks before you'd know. If you're late for your next cycle, then I would worry. Otherwise, eat some chocolate and chill out.”

“You're probably right.” She sighed. I pictured her sitting on her bed with her feet hanging over the edge. Cool and casual Billie, freaked out for the same reasons I'd yet to have sex with Levi.

“I'm sorry things aren't working out,” she said.

“Me too. I'm giving it one more day then I'm coming home.”

“Have you talked to Levi?”

“Last night. Why?”

“Did you guys break up?”

“No.” I didn't understand her line of questioning.

“Well, he fled Browton like a bat out of hell. He had to of been doing sixty or seventy miles an hour down the road.”

“What direction was he headed?”

“East.”

“You don't think...” No, I refused to let myself think it. Aidan would never involve Levi against my wishes. I knew he wanted assurance that I'd be safe but not at Levi's expense. So where was Levi going? I couldn't concern myself with anymore mysteries now. I'd call him later.

“Never mind,” I finally said, shaking my head.

“Listen, I hope you
are
coming home tomorrow. The Rev preached a message today that burned the house down. My parents suddenly dropped my curfew to ten-thirty, ten if I'm with Luke. I barely see him as it is; I don't want to start sneaking around just to spend time with him.”

“Oh, I'm sure Grandpa delivered a stellar sermon on the responsibilities of parenting to make sure they're kids don't wind up in Hell. Did he pull his 'spare the rod, spoil the child' speech?”

“And then some,” she confirmed. “Expect a call from Luke because he is super-pissed.”

“Wonderful. He can take a number and get in line behind my parents.”

“You brought it on yourself, girl. Not that I blame you, though. A good mystery is hard to resist.”

“It isn't just the mystery, Billie. It's Aidan himself. I feel like I'm drowning whenever I'm with him. Only instead of feeling the need to fight for my life, I feel like letting go. Do you understand at all?” I didn't even know how to explain it.

“Yeah, I think I do, Jessa. I feel the same way about Luke. Where does that leave Levi?”

“Oh, I still love him, but its calmer, more...subtle, I guess...”

“I can't believe I'm going to say this but I think you should make the most of the time you have left. Maybe instead of chasing down Aidan's sister, find some other way for him to move on.”

“Don't think I haven't had the same thought. Thanks, Billie.”

“Anytime, Babe.”

I hung up with her and went back into the main room. Aidan still stood at the window. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He covered my hands and sighed. I kissed his shoulder then rested my forehead against his back. Maybe Billie was right, maybe instead of chasing shadows I should just spend time with Aidan. Maybe there was another way for him to crossover. I didn't even know where to start with that search.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered to his back.

He pulled me around and crushed me to his chest. “Don't be. It's not your fault, it's mine. I should have never dragged you into this...”

“Aidan...Look, we just need to figure out a different approach. What if I call Laura and ask her to meet me somewhere? Maybe you could just show yourself to her...”

“Absolutely not.” He spun away from me so quickly I nearly lost my balance.

“Why not?”

“Because I want my family to move on with their lives. If my sister saw me...What do you think that would do to her?”

“Help her move on? If she knew you were truly okay, maybe that would help her.”

“You're looking for a reason, Jessa. We're not involving my family.”

“They're already involved!” I exploded, the Grace temper running through me pure and strong.”Don't forget: Darren probably killed you trying to kill Laura.”

“I haven't forgotten. You remind me everyday.”

“Oh, so now this is my fault?” How did everything get so twisted around? Why was he mad at me? Why were we fighting? We should be working together. For the first time since I met Aidan, I felt a horrendous emotional disconnection from him. The space between us grew unfathomable. Everything was messed up. I needed a break...from him, from things I couldn't explain, from myself.

I snatched my purse from the bedside table and raced to the door.

“Where are you going?” he asked quietly.

“Out.” I slammed the door shut behind me. I found solace in my car as I drove in circles around Blue Rapids. I didn't know where I was supposed to go. I didn't feel like I could go home; I couldn't stay in Blue Rapids. I had a family, I had friends, but I was lost. More than anything I wanted to crawl into my mother's lap and let her convince me everything would be okay, to find some assurance that I wasn't horribly screwed up beyond repair.

I stopped at a public access point by the river and wandered along the banks, contemplating my next move. One option was to go home and face the music. Confess everything to Grandpa and beg for forgiveness. Another option was to stay in Blue Rapids until I found Laura. The last and most unlikely option was to get in my car and head straight north for Mom's house. I could avoid Grandpa, Billie, Levi, and Aidan. I could pretend none of this was real.

But no matter how far I ran, I would never escape the last month of my life. I was so completely changed in mind and soul that I was truly a different person. The new me was here to stay; I couldn't go back and change things. To be honest, I wasn't sure I would, even if I could.

I sat down on a large rock at the water's edge, slipped off my shoes and dangled my feet in the slow moving current. The water was cold, despite the August heat. It was hard to believe school started in two weeks. The summer flew by without a trace of last year. I was a senior now, but I felt like a senior citizen. Everything about me felt old and tired. I wondered if I was old on the outside as well.

Once I felt calmer, I gathered my shoes and walked back to the car. Another car parked just a few spaces down from mine caught my attention. For one, it hadn't been there before. For two, all the windows, including the windshield, were tinted so I couldn't see who was inside. And for three, as soon as I reached for my driver door, the driver revved his engine. Panicked, I started my car, slammed it in reverse, and squealed out of the lot. The other car followed, always a keeping two-car length distance from my bumper.

Because I had no clue where I was going, I began driving down random streets, hoping to lose the other car. I didn't bother with my turn signals; I just made sharp turns whenever I could. I couldn't shake the guy, however. He remained on me like bees on honey. I couldn't go back to the motel, I didn't want him to know where I was staying. So I kept driving. It was obvious, I was sure, that I had no idea where I was or where I was going. Still, I couldn't stop.

Finally, he turned left while I went right. Breathing a sigh of relief, I drove straight to the motel and parked the car as far from my room as I could. I did a dead sprint to the front door, through the lobby, and up to my room. I didn't see Aidan so I clicked the lock and slid the deadbolt into place. Then I pulled the nightstand and dresser across the room and stacked them under the knob. I still didn't feel safe. Now I felt trapped. I had no where to run; at least I could hide.

I called Levi, who didn't answer his phone. I needed to talk to him. Aidan was right: This whole thing had blown up out of my control. I couldn't do this alone. I was willing to risk my living boyfriend for the sake of my dead one. That alone told me how much Aidan mattered. I just wished I hadn't stormed out without saying goodbye.

Over the course of two hours I called Levi eight times. Still no answer, still no Aidan. Alone in the room, my imagination ran wild. All the horrific possibilities filled my head. I watched TV to distract myself but it didn't work. I paced around the round, stretched, and tried to sleep. My mind refused to shut down. The confinement of the room did nothing to help my growing fear and agitation. I began to feel claustrophobic. I hadn't lost all sense of self-preservation yet, but I was close. I felt caged and a bit crazy.

After another flurry of unanswered calls to Levi, I took down the barricade and left the room. I went down the hall and around the corner to the window that overlooked the parking lot. From my view on the second story I saw nothing unusual. Still, it seemed stupid to leave. What if the guy was watching me? I could almost hear the horror movie music in my head. I ran back to the room, replaced the barricade, then curled up in the middle of my bed.

As usual, Billie was right: I was in over my head. I didn't know where to turn. I couldn't reach Levi, Billie didn't want anything else to do with the situation, and my ghost soul mate couldn't be counted on to stay in one place. Even the police were out of the question. So, now what? I felt like that question had become the theme of my life. I'd never over-analyzed things so much in my life.

In the midst of my incessant pacing, Luke called. As Billie warned, he was mad.

“I cannot believe you ran away!” he shouted as soon as I answered. “Of all the boneheaded things to do...

“Luke, I didn't run away, okay? That would insinuate that I don't plan to return. I will come home. I just don't know when.”

“Well, you better make it quick. Gramps is on the rampage. He flipped out when he caught me kissing Billie.”

“You better be thankful that's all he caught you doing,” I pointed out.

“Well, at the rate he's going, it'll be pointless even having a girlfriend. Where the hell are you and what are you doing?”

“I'm still in Kansas.”

“Good. Are you and Levi planning to elope or something?”

“No. Why?”

He snickered. “No one's seen Levi in two days. He emptied his savings account and disappeared. His parents called the cops but Levi's eighteen. So...”