Lovely Shadows (20 page)

“No, you don't. That's what sucks about all of this.” He dropped his head in his hands. Immediately all my fight left me. I sat down in front of him and lifted his head. His tortured honey-brown eyes ripped at me.

“Aidan, we both knew what we were getting into. You're leaving soon, and I'm staying here. I cannot stop my life while we wait.”

“I know, Jessa, but I'm only a man. When I see him touch you, I can't help but burn with envy. I want to punch his lights out every time you kiss him. It kills me that you'll grow old with him, that you'll marry him, and make love to him, and one day bear his children. He'll give you the life you deserve...the life I wish I could give you. Don't you understand, Jessa? Leaving you will kill me, too.”

The anguish in his voice matched the anguish I felt earlier. I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face against his chest. We sat like that for awhile, just holding each other close, letting each other feel the other one's pain. Romeo and Juliet had nothing on us.

“What does it feel like to fade?” I asked when I felt calm again.

“Floating; it feels like I'm floating.”

“Where did you wake up this time?”

“In Levi's orchard.” His voice cracked.

“Aidan, I'm so sorry.”

“Don't be.” He kissed my forehead. “I understand.”

“No, you don't. When I'm with Levi, I feel like I'm cheating on you.”

He chuckled. “Shouldn't be the other way around?”

“Probably. I guess I'm really messed up, huh?”

“If you are, then so am I.” This time he kissed my mouth. I let myself indulge for a moment before pulling away.

“Billie and I found out something new.”

“Oh?”

“We don't think you were supposed to die. We think your sister was.”

“What do you mean?” he asked darkly.

I gave him a quick rundown of my conversations with Billie and Officer Holden. Aidan's face grew darker with each passing minute. I explained how Billie and I spent the night harassing Laura and how we were told to quit.

“You really believe my sister is in danger?”

I nodded. “Aidan, Darren didn't have anything bad to say about you other than you could be self-righteous. But he hates Laura. Even Amber mentioned Darren's disdain for her. I take it the guy thinks no girl should resist him or something. He hit on Billie the first time we met him.”

“Have you heard from him since then?”

“No.” I didn't bother mentioning that I saw Darren in Browton. Aidan already looked ready to kill someone.

He paced around the round, muttering to himself. I waited for him to reach whatever conclusion he was searching for. When he did, I wasn't prepared.

“I'm going back to Blue Rapids. Tonight.”

“What?”

“I have to see her myself. I'll go crazy waiting here.”

“Then I'm coming with you.”

“No, you need to stay here. Keep harassing her, keep calling the police. Do whatever you can from here, but I'm going.”

“I can do that from Blue Rapids. I'm coming.”

“No, it's too dangerous. I can't save you both of I need to.”

“You can't save either of us anyway!”

He stopped. “If I had to, if it was the last thing I did on this Earth, I would save one of you. Please do not make me have to choose.”

“Choose Laura.”

“You're not going.”

“Yes, I am,” I said with finality. We stared each other down. I was not budging. If he was leaving then I was too. I'd really like to see the ghost stop me.

He sighed and reached for me, pulling me tight against his chest. He rested his chin on the top of my head, humming softly to himself. He was tense, maybe even unsure. I wished I could read his mind and know what he was thinking. I didn't press him, though. I let him have his silence.

He abruptly let me go and said, “I promise not to leave you, but I have to do one thing before we go. You have to make a promise too.”

“Okay,” I said slowly.

“You need to tell Billie where you are and what you're up to. If something happens, then she can point the police in the right direction.”

“Done.”

“You also need to listen to me. You will not do something stupid and put yourself in danger.”

I hesitated. I knew Aidan would be overly cautious when it came to my safety.

“Jessa?”

“Yeah?”

“You will listen to me.”

“Yes,” I lied unwaveringly. He gave me a look I couldn't decipher then disappeared through my door.

I did as he asked. I called Billie and told her that Aidan returned and he was going back to Blue Rapids.

“And you're going with him?”

“To keep him company.” I didn't tell her the whole truth, but I did follow Aidan's instruction. She knew where I was, and whom I was with. She didn't need the other details.

I packed an overnight bag, then sat down at my desk with a sheet of paper and a pencil. Somehow, I had to justify my absence to Grandpa. What reason could I give him for taking off, for staying at a hotel three hours away? Even worse, how could I explain this to Levi?

I struggled over the letter for an hour, scratching out and crumbling up several drafts. I finally wrote: Dear Grandpa,

I haven't been feeling like myself lately so I decided to take a short road trip. I won't be gone long, and you can ground me when I get back. I love you.

Jessa

I folded the letter and slipped it into an envelope. I decided to call Levi later after I was settled. I checked for cash-only motels around Blue Rapids, all the while fighting butterflies in my stomach. A whole night or weekend alone with Aidan—that seemed like a recipe for delicious trouble. I needed to keep focused on the task at hand and that was keeping Laura safe.

I left the letter in Grandpa's study and stashed my bag in the car. I couldn't find Luke for which I was grateful. I had one less goodbye to make. I wondered what Aidan was up to; I hoped he hadn't went ahead without me. He could say what he wanted, but I would go to Blue Rapids with or without him. Which I think he suspected.

Just when I decided to leave, he suddenly appeared, strolling across the field behind my house.

“Where have you been?” I demanded.

“I had something to take care of.”

“Care to fill me in?”

“Nope. Ready to go?”

“I guess.” I started the car as he opened the door and climbed in.

“Didn't feel like being a ghost?” I joked.

“Sometimes I get tired of being invisible.”

He held my hand as we headed East out of town. I set the cruise control for seventy once we hit the freeway. We didn't talk much; other than a few comments about the weather and traffic, the ride was silent. Aidan brooded over something, but I couldn't tell what, and he didn't seem inclined to tell me.

The fading sunlight shined against my rear view mirror as I left my life in the dust. The feeling I might not return held me tight. Still, I never let reduced my speed or changed directions. Wherever Aidan went I went, and that was the new story of my life.

We stopped just outside of Blue Rapids before nightfall and checked into the Red Roof Inn. Of course, the receptionist didn't see Aidan, and she didn't bother checking my ID. Against Aidan's protestations, I filled out the paperwork using an alias. Billie knew where I was, and I didn't want anyone else finding me.

The receptionist showed me to the room, a small one-bed with a tiny bathroom and a large window overlooking the Republican River. I opened the window and let the moist breeze filter into the room. Moisture wasn't common in Kansas, and I relished it over the dryness of Browton. Aidan sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes never moving from me. He watched as I dug around in my backpack. He watched as I brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas. He watched as I brushed my hair and braided it. His constant attention began to unnerve me.

“What?” I asked, feeling self-conscious.

“I'm wondering why you're still helping me. You don't
want
me to go, do you?”

“No. This will sound funny but this isn't about you anymore. Rather, this isn't about just you. This concerns me, too. I
have
to know what happened to you and why. I cannot go the rest of my life without knowing.”

“But you realize once we find out, I'm gone? I won't be here anymore.”

I crawled into his lap and held his head in my hands. “Yes, I know,” I said softly, “I selfishly want you to stay with me, always, even if I can't give what you deserve. I can't marry you or have your children. And I so badly wish I could. Yes, I am selfish enough to want you to stay, but I love you too much to keep you here. You need to crossover, Aidan. You need to rest in peace.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, unconvinced.

“Hey.”I pulled his head against mine. “We're here now, we're together; that's all that matters.”

He offered a sad smile. “We're together.”

“Forever,” I affirmed, kissing him.

He returned the kiss but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. The sadness seeped through every fiber of his being. I fought against it but soon, I felt melancholy as well. We curled up and watched TV for awhile. Soon, Aidan was sleeping. I slipped out of the room and tried Laura's number.

“What?” she shouted into the phone.

“Is this Laura Summers?”

“Who is this? Why do you keep calling me?”

“I think you're in danger,” I blurted out. Too late to take the words back “I think Darren Foster is trying to kill you.”

“Darren Foster?” she scoffed. “Why would Darren Foster want to kill me?”

“Because he hates you.” I took a deep breath. “I think he killed your brother.”

A long silence followed. I listened to her breathing, which suddenly seemed shallow and fast.

“You think Aidan was murdered?”

“Yes.”

“Why would you think that?”

“I think it was an accident. I think Darren wanted to kill you and something went wrong.”

“How do you know this? How do you even know Aidan? Who are you?” The question ran together into one unbroken sentence.

“I didn't know Aidan, but I read about his death. I did some investigating and some things didn't add up. I met Darren. He was okay with Aidan, but he really hates you.”

She paused again. Then, “Did you call the police earlier? Eric said someone called him with this exact information.”

Great. “Yes.”

“Look, I don't know who you are, and I completely appreciate your concern, but I am fine. Besides, I haven't seen Darren in a while.”

“I still think...”

“Please, leave me alone.” Then she hung up.

I shook my head as I went back to the room. Every where I turned I hit a brick wall. Everyone appreciated my concern but no one took me seriously. Truthfully, I didn't know what else I could do. I exhausted my options. I called Laura, I called the police...What else
was
there to do? As I stared out at the river, I considered going back home. I didn't know what Aidan expected; I didn't know if my hunches were even close anymore. Maybe I let myself get caught up in the romance of mystery and ghosts.

This was the
exact
reason I didn't believe in these things: They had no reason or purpose. I looked over at Aidan, who looked troubled even in his sleep. Despite my reservations I couldn't deny his existence. Ghost or not, he was real to me; he was real to Billie. I could touch him, kiss him, love him. That made him more flesh than spirit.

I went over and laid down next to him. I touched his face. His eyes fluttered but didn't open. He was beautiful, even in death. He made life beautiful. I wanted to live forever.

16.

Aidan woke to Jessa's soft snoring. Her messy hair splashed across the pillow; her lips curled downward into a frown; her eyes were rimmed red. Even in her sleep, she was troubled. Yet, she appeared to be sleeping soundly, for which he was grateful. He knew she hadn't slept much these days, and he was to blame. She shouldn't be involved in this, he thought as he listened to her breathing, these weren't her problems. He should have left her alone. He didn't need to crossover that badly. Her life shouldn't be a mess.

Yeah, Jessa thought she was the selfish one, but really, he was far more selfish. He could have left her alone the moment he fell for her. He could have stayed away after they kissed. He should have never asked for her help. He should not be here with her. But he couldn't help himself. Everything about her called to him, cried out for him. Jessa was such an integral part of him he wondered how he ever existed before he met her.

Her phone beeped incessantly. Careful not to jostle her, he reached over and pushed the end button. She could deal with the messages later. Right now, she needed to sleep. And he had work to do.

He kissed her forehead then let himself fade away. Lately, holding his solid shape had become easier though he didn't tell her. Neither of them needed the hope that he could stay or that they could build a life together. He knew his leaving would devastate her; he didn't need to add insult to the injury by telling her that he hardly ever projected these days.