Lovely Shadows (17 page)

“Joey will be with me.”

“He can have a Happy Meal. Twelve-thirty, okay?”

“Whatever. If this is some kind of joke, you'll be sorry.” Then she hung up. Despite the threat, I remained unruffled. What little Aidan told me about her I knew she wasn't going to throw punches anytime soon. When I returned to my room, Billie was flipping through a magazine and Aidan was no where to be found.

“What happened?” I asked, glancing around the room.

She shrugged. “He said he needed peace and quiet. I think I annoyed him.”

I smiled. “How so?”

“I asked him if he planned on having sex with you. Then he told me he needed peace and quiet. Poof—he was gone.”

“Great.” I flopped down on the bed and closed my eyes. The last thing I wanted to think about was sex, considering the task ahead of me tomorrow. Yet, I couldn't help remembering last night and the awe I felt at what happened, or almost happened. Aidan and I were on a slippery slope; I just wanted to enjoy the ride down.

“Take this quiz,” Billie commanded, pulling herself up and leaning against the bed.

“What quiz?”

“Are You A Love-A-Phrenic?”

“What is that?”

“You know, schizo but with love.”

“Split personality?” I was confused.

“No, more like are you trying to decide between two guys?”

“Oh. Well, the answer is yes, so I guess I don't have to take your stupid quiz.”

“Humor me. Question one—What is your sign?”

“How is that relevant?” I scoffed.

“Just answer the question.”

“You know I'm a Sagittarius.”

“Right. Question Two—Are you a hopeless romantic or skeptical realist?”

I stared at her in disbelief. “You have got to be kidding me. Look, you know me well enough. Just answer the questions for me.”

She stuck her tongue out but didn't ask me any more questions. After a couple minutes, she snapped the magazine shut.

“What?”

Shaking her head, she said, “No big surprise—you can't decide between two guys.”

“Did it say how I was supposed to choose?”

“Nope, sorry.”

“Figures.” In truth, I knew I wouldn't have to choose between Levi and Aidan. Fate, as cruel as it was, already chose for me. At some point, Aidan would be gone for good. Levi had my future, lock and key. But my present, the here and now, belonged to Aidan.

That balance was tenuous as I struggled to split myself between Aidan and Levi. Because my living boyfriend didn't know about my dead boyfriend, things were great. However with Aidan, Levi was always in the back of our minds—or at least Aidan's. For me, his presence drove out every other thought and worry. When I was with him, he was all I saw.

As the day progressed, I grew nervous about meeting Amber, and not for the reasons Aidan would have liked. I was meeting someone whom Aidan had loved, kissed, and touched. I fought against the urge to quiz him about every aspect of his relationship with her. Jealousy rose up in me and threatened to choke me. I held fast to the fact that Aidan loved me now, and that now was all that mattered.

Ever diligent, I prepared a list of questions for Amber. The first few were basic “getting to know you” questions. The next few were a bit tougher, then the ones after that were even tougher. I had fifteen questions to ask before I even touched on Aidan. Somehow I had to find out what I wanted to know without raising red flags. Aidan said Amber was kind of dim-witted but I couldn't take any chances. His diagnosis of her probably held bitter resentment for her actions against him.

Aidan didn't bother with the attic. He laid down with me in my bed. Too nervous for making out, I kept my back to him while I finalized my plans for tomorrow. Even meeting Darren hadn't unhinged me like this; I felt scared of what tomorrow might bring. Aidan tried coaxing me to tell him what was wrong, but it sounded so silly, even in my own mind.

“Jessa, you have me worried. What is bugging you?”

“You'll think I'm ridiculous,” I mumbled into the dark room.

“No, I won't,” he promised.

“Fine. I'm afraid she's prettier than me.”

He was silent so long I was afraid he'd faded out. Then I felt him shaking.

“You are laughing at me!” I cried, indignant.

“Yeah, I am.”

I huffed, and scooted to the far side of my full bed. Laughing out loud, he yanked me back against him. “You silly girl! Amber is pretty but she isn't nowhere near as beautiful as you are. Plus, she's has a kid. She's probably fat and has stretch marks now.”

For some reason, I instantly felt better. “You're probably right.”

I rolled over to face him. “You'll still love me when I'm fat and have stretch marks, right?”

“Of course.” He brushed a strand of hair away from my face. “I just wish I could be here to see it.”

There it was, the constant gray cloud over our head that always threatened to rain on us: Aidan was leaving soon. We didn't know the time or day, but we knew it was soon. Each step we took to solving his death was one step closer to him crossing over. I hated the thought of it.

“I wish you could stay,” I said sadly.

“Me too. I'll always be here though,” he replied, pointing at my chest. “I'll be in your heart. You'll take me wherever you go.”

“It's not the same.”

“No, it's not,” he conceded.

We laid for a long time, just staring at each other. I drank in the sight of him, unwilling to close my eyes for one second. Soon, though, I lost the battle. Fatigue washed over me and pulled me under. Aidan kissed my eyelids then started humming his song.

I woke later than I intended so I rushed to get ready. Aidan sat silently as he watched my furious scurrying. I dug an old pantsuit out of the closet and found a pair of black slingback pumps that belonged to my grandmother. Wearing a dead woman's shoes might have been freaky, except the fact I wanted to have a sex with a ghost seemed far worse. I pulled my hair into a loose ponytail and applied a fair amount of makeup. I assessed myself in the mirror before seeking Aidan's approval.

“What do you think?”

“Gorgeous, as usual.”

“It's not too much?”

“It is, but not for the reasons you think.”

I blushed. Grabbing my list of questions and my purse, I hurried out to the car. The dry hot air felt deathly scorching this morning. Summer always got worse before it got better. Now into August, two more months of this remained. Then came the snow that would bury the town for days. People joked that Kansas saw two seasons: tornado and blizzard. Spring and Autumn didn't vary much from year to year; with the other two, you never knew what you were going to get.

At Aidan's insistence, I called Billie to let her know where I would be. She demanded to go with me, but I begged her off, saying Amber was already suspicious enough. If two of us showed up, she might get spooked. Billie made me promise to tell her everything when I got home. I agreed, then hung up. Aidan looked disapproving.

“Now what?”

“This is a bad idea,” he repeated for the tenth time that day.

“What choice do I have?” I sounded like a broken record. We'd had this argument all morning.

“You could not go.”

“Aidan, be reasonable. Amber might know something, she might know nothing. Either way, it's a step in the right direction. Darren gave us some leads. Maybe Amber will help us eliminate them.”

“I have a lead for you—Darren probably did it.”

“But why? Maybe Amber can tell us.”

“Amber can't tell you anything because she doesn't know. Darren treats his sister like she's some kind of house cat. She's there in presence only; he has no use for her.”

“Maybe she overheard something,” I argued, unwilling to let the subject go.

“I wish you wouldn't do this.”

Something occurred to me. “Is this about me or about you? You seem awfully against this, and Darren isn't the only reason. He can't be.”

“Trust me, Darren is reason enough to be worried about you. If you think I'm nervous about seeing Amber again, I'm not.”

“If you say so.” I wanted to believe him, but old habits die hard. The skepticism I've clung to my whole life held fast.

My suspicions kept me occupied until we reached McDonald's.

“She's here,” Aidan said with a measure of disgust.

“You don't have to come in, you know. I can manage on my own.”

“Not a chance in hell. I'm not leaving you alone.”

“Whatever.” We went inside. I ordered a soda then went over to Amber's table. She was pretty, I suppose, in a Julia Roberts after Pretty Woman way. Her straight red-hair was streaked blond and hung down her back in a thick braid. A smattering of freckles danced over her nose and cheeks. Bright blue eyes sat under thick eyelashes. Instantly jealous, I could see why Aidan was attracted her. Even I thought she was quite stunning, despite the dark circles under her eyes. No stretch marks were visible.

“So, what do ya want to know?” she asked. She grabbed a handful of fries and set them down in front of a wide-eyed boy that looked just like her.

“Being a teen mom must be difficult. How do you manage to support the two of you?” I started with the most obvious question, knowing I looked stupid in the process.

“Welfare, and his father when he works.”

“Do you work outside the home?”

She snorted. “Yeah. I make minimum wage at Stop-n-Shop.”

I wrote down her answer while glancing at Aidan out of the corner of my eye. He appeared fascinated by the boy.

“What is his name?” I nodded toward the toddler.

“Joey Aidan George.”

“Aidan is his middle name?” I struggled to hide my surprise. “That is...unusual.”

“Right. Like his dad, Andy, hated my ex-boyfriend Aidan. I mean, I cheated on Aidan with Andy. Worst mistake of my life. Anyway, Andy wasn't there when Joey was born so I named him after Aidan.”

“How did Andy take that?”

“Oh, he was super-pissed. He demanded a paternity test. Stupid jerk wouldn't listen when I said I never slept with Aidan.”

“Where is Aidan now?”

Her eyes grew misty. “He died about four months ago in a car wreck. It was horrible.” She wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

Joey looked up at his mother. “Mommy, why are you sad?”

“Sometimes people get sad for no reason, baby.” She kissed the top of his head.

“Do people get happy for no reason?”

She laughed. “Of course, but I get happy because I have you.”

“Silly mommy,” he giggled, “you already had me!”

Even I had to laugh. It was then that I saw Amber as she might have been before she cheated on Andy, before Andy knocked her up, before life wore her down at nineteen-years-old. She loved Joey, that much was obvious. She appeared to be a good mom. She appeared to be someone I could be friends with, in another time, in another place.

“Are we being comped for this meal?” she asked.

I nodded, handing her a twenty. “You can keep the change. I have a few more questions if you don't mind.”

“Fire away.”

I asked her about daycare, finding alone time, and giving up college. In light of my new-found respect for her, my questions seemed trivial and at times, pious. As if I was somehow better than her, as if I somehow had life figured out. The truth was, watching her with Joey made me feel small and insignificant. She was doing this big thing with her life—raising a child, practically alone—and my biggest worry was losing Aidan. She'd lost him, and still survived. Had Joey been Aidan's child, they'd be a family. But she and Joey were a family of their own. And Aidan and I would never have that opportunity.

Despair sat in my chest while I quickly finished the rest of the interview. When came to the questions about Aidan, I hesitated. Unsure of whether to pick at barely healed wounds, I debated just leaving at that moment. Aidan rubbed my back soothingly. For him, I needed to continue.

“Do you mind if I ask a few questions about Aidan?”

“Why?”

I shrugged indifferently. “You cared a lot about him. Do you miss him?”

“Every day,” she replied, watching as Joey climbed the indoor jungle gym. “He was the love of my life.”

“Then why cheat?”

“It wasn't intentional. To be honest, I hated Andy. One night he was visiting my brother, and he kept hitting on me. I told him repeatedly to back off, but he wouldn't listen. I finally complained to Darren, who in turn told me to 'play nice'. I remember getting drunk, then waking up in bed next to Andy. The moments in between are still blurry. After that, I felt too ashamed to face Aidan. I ignored his calls and texts. I found reasons to avoid him. My mom moved us out of Blue Rapids for a while. Andy followed. He got himself an apartment and a job. By then, Aidan and I had broken up.

“I convinced myself I loved Andy, but the truth is, I really don't like him. By the time I realized the relationship was pointless, I was pregnant with Joey. I gave birth to him alone, then moved back to Blue Rapids. I wanted to patch things up with Aidan, but I lost my courage. Two days before he died, I picked up the phone to call him. I couldn't go through with it.”