LOVING ELLIE (3 page)

“Look,” he said with a tired sigh, cutting her off, “you’re exhausted.  I figured I’d see to the task before the storm got any worse and let you rest.”

He’d also needed some time alone to think.  Coming home to find a woman he never knew existed living in his brother’s house, a woman his brother had been engaged to, had been a total shock.  But not as much as discovering she was pregnant with Jarrett’s child.

“Thank you.”

He didn’t want her gratitude.  He didn’t deserve it.  Ellie was half frozen and pushed to her physical limits because he hadn’t been there for Jarrett.

Lucas managed a slight nod.  It tore at his gut to know that his brother would never have the chance to know the tiny being he and Ellie had created.  Never get to hold his son or daughter in his arms.  Never get to...

A small, gloved hand curled gently over his shoulder.  Lucas closed his eyes, oblivious to the icy flakes coating his face.  It had been so long since he’d felt the touch of a woman.  Lord, how he missed that small token of tenderness.

“Are you all right?” she asked, her voice sliding over him like warm honey, soft and soothing.

“I’m fine,” he said gruffly.

Her hand fell away.  “Are you sure?”

He hated feeling so emotionally exposed.  Especially, in front of a woman who needed him to be strong.  He turned to face her, his gaze dropping down to the small bulge beneath her winter jacket.  A frown tugged at his mouth.  “Just a lot of memories here.”

“I’m sure there are.”

He turned to her.  “You shouldn’t be out here in your condition.  You could slip and fall.”

“I’ll go back inside as soon as I help you gather up some firewood.”

“What you’re going to do is stay warm,” he said, slipping an arm around her expanded waist.

“W...what are you doing?” she sputtered as he guided her back the way she’d come.

“Making sure you get safely back to the house.” 

“I’m perfectly capable of getting there on my own,” she said as they reached the side of the old ranch house, shielded from the full force of the blowing snow. 

He stopped, letting his arm fall away.  “Just watch you don’t...”  His words trailed off as something in the distance caught his attention.

She followed his gaze to the edge of the snow-coated woods.  “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head.  “Just an old tree fort I’d forgotten about.”

“The one you and Jarrett built when you were kids?”

He nodded, grateful that his brother had shared even the smallest details of his past with Ellie.  Things she could share with her child when he or she was older, to help them feel connected to the father they had lost.  Somehow that thought comforted him.

“We spent a lot of summer nights up there when we were boys.”

“Talking about girls?” she asked with a teasing smile.

“Bears actually.”

“Bears?”

“When Jarrett was eleven, he happened upon a pair of bear cubs playing in the woods.  An instant later their mother came charging after him.  Luckily, I was close by and had my shotgun with me at the time.”

She gasped, her eyes going wide.  “You shot her?”

He arched a dark brow.  “No.  I shot the gun and sent momma bear and her little ones scampering off.  After that, my brother spent less time in the woods and more time on the computer.  Probably why he was so good at what he did.”

She nodded her hood enshrouded head.  “I’m surprised he would even consider climbing up into that tree house after what happened, knowing bears can climb too.”

“Yeah, well, the only reason my brother wasn’t afraid to camp out in the tree fort with me was because he knew there wasn’t a bear around that could fit through the ladder hole in the floor of the tree house to get to us.”

She laughed softly.  “I’m not sure I could fit through that opening right now.”

“It looked a lot bigger when we were kids.”

“I’m sure it did,” she replied with an unmistakable shudder.

Lucas mentally cursed himself.  While he’d been standing there reminiscing about his past, Ellie had been growing chilled again.

“I need to go get that wood,” he told her.  “You get yourself back inside that house and out of this cold.”

She crossed her arms and lifted her chin in that same stubborn tilt he’d seen from her earlier.  “Have you always been this bossy?”

Arching a brow, he looked down at her.  “Have you always been this stubborn?”

“Your brother used to think so,” she answered with a wistful smile.  “In fact, he threatened to name his next mule after me.”

For the first time in years, Lucas allowed himself to smile.  Really smile.   

“That’s Jarrett,” he said with a nod.  “I recall him saying the same thing to me a time or two.  Only in my case it was going to be his next mule he was going to name after me.”

She pushed the hair from her face and held the blowing strands away from her eyes with a gloved hand.  “Well, it appears you and I have something in common.”

“You mean other than the baby?” he stated bluntly.

The change in Ellie’s mood was immediate.  She wrapped her arms around herself, almost protectively and fell silent as she stared off into the distance. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, his own smile fading.  “I...well, I just assumed it was Jarrett’s.”  Why hadn’t the possibility the child wasn’t his brother’s crossed his mind?  It would certainly explain why Jarrett had never contacted him with the news of his engagement and the upcoming birth of his child.

Her gaze shifted back to lock with his, the warmth he’d seen in those big green eyes just moments before all but gone.  “I suppose this was bound to come up sooner or later,” she said, glancing down at the bulge beneath her snow-covered coat. 

If it wasn’t his brother’s child, then he wouldn’t have any real obligation to Ellie and the baby she carried.  Her reaction to his comment pretty much told him all he needed to know.  He should have felt relief, but what he felt was more loss.  It would have been something left of his only sibling.

She lifted her gaze to his.  “You assumed correctly.”

He nodded.  At least she was honest.

“Did my brother know?”

“That the child I’m carrying was his?”  Her gloved hand moved in a gentle caress over the front of her coat, beneath which her child grew.  “Yes.  He knew.”

His gaze snapped up to meet hers.  “What?  But I thought you said...”  His words trailed off.  She hadn’t ever said that the baby wasn’t his brother’s.  Only that she knew the question would come up. 

“Just so you know,” she added, “Jarrett was very happy about this baby.”

How many times could a man make a fool out of himself within a few short minutes?  “I didn’t mean to imply...”  What had he meant?

“Don’t apologize,” she said, cutting off any explanation he might offer.  “You’re not the first person in my life to make assumptions about me.”

Who else in Eagle Ridge had questioned the paternity of her child?  He of all people knew how quickly rumors could fly in a small town. 

“I really am sorry about that.  And I have no doubt my brother was thrilled when he learned about the baby.” 

“He was,” she said, bringing him back to the present.

“Knowing my brother, I can’t believe he didn’t sweep you off to some church, at the very least a Justice of the Peace, the second he found out the woman he loved was going to have his baby.”

Snow clung to her long lashes as she looked up at him.  “He tried.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Like you,” she said, her teeth chattering from the cold, “I had my reasons for not allowing myself to be swept away.”

It wasn’t the time or place to get into this with her, he thought as she stood shivering in front of him.  She’d already been out in the cold longer than she ought to have been.

“Ellie,” he said, his tone softening, “please go back inside.  We can talk once I get the fire going again.” 

She tilted her chin proudly.  “I can take-”

“Care of yourself,” he finished for her.  “But at what cost?  You’re exhausted and it’s freezing out here.  You’ve got the baby to think about now.”

She opened her mouth as if to argue, then closed it, her snow-coated shoulders sagging tiredly.  “I’ll go put on a pot of coffee.”

He managed a grateful smile.  “Thank you.  I could use a cup or two of java right about now.”

Her expression changed.

“Ellie?”  Was she going to pass out again?  He prepared himself for the possibility, ready to catch her if she did.  “You all right?”

“I’m fine,” she said, waving away his concern.  “It’s just that you sound so much like your brother.  And then to hear you say little things he used to say like java...”

A frown tugged at his mouth.  Those similarities had to be a painful reminder to Ellie of what she’d lost.  “I’d imagine we said and did a lot of things the same without even realizing it.  Comes with growing up together.  You know, one of those siblings mirror each other sorta thing.”

“No, I wouldn’t know,” she replied then started for the front porch, her coat whipping about her legs as she went.

Oblivious to the cold, Lucas watched her go until she had disappeared around the front porch.

Jarrett used to tell him that he’d come back to Eagle Ridge again someday.  Though he argued the possibility, Lucas knew his brother had been right.  He would have come home, if just to visit, once he was emotionally strong enough to do so.  But that ‘someday’ Jarrett had spoken of had come far too soon and for all the wrong reasons.

Instead of a joyful reunion he’d hoped to have someday, he’d been forced to come home to handle matters that shouldn’t need handling.  Not when his brother hadn’t even reached the prime of his life.  And with himself being the only family Jarrett had left, his brother’s unborn child not included, he was the one responsible for going through Jarrett’s things and putting the ranch up for sale.  But life had thrown yet another emotional wrench into his plans in the form of Ellie Sanders and her unborn child.  Selling the ranch was no longer an option.  It should be theirs.   

If Ellie could just rein in that stubborn streak of hers, he’d feel better about leaving Eagle Ridge once the terms of the will were settled.  But as it was, she seemed determined to push herself regardless of the consequences.  Like he had done after Anna’s death, never stopping.  Because to stop meant having time to think.  To remember.

While he of all people understood going into self-preservation mode, her grief-driven actions were risking the life of his brother’s unborn child.  And that was something Lucas refused to stand by and allow to happen, even if it meant sticking around longer than he had originally planned to.  Even if in doing so it meant he would be finally have to face the demons of his past.

CHAPTER THREE

Ellie’s thoughts were in turmoil as she walked back to the house through the deepening drifts of blowing snow.  Despite the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy, she’d never once tried to hide it from anyone.  She wasn’t ashamed of the child that grew in her womb.  In fact, she loved the tiny little miracle she and Jarrett had created the one and only time they had been together.  And it was because of that love she was going to do everything in her power to see to it her child was surrounded by everything good in his life.

But Lucas’s reaction to the news of her pregnancy scared her and she found herself wishing that he didn’t know about the baby.  She was already worried about how the people who knew Jarrett were going to accept her decision to give her child up for adoption.  Lucas Tanner had never come into the equation.  Now he was here and already taking on the role of overprotective uncle-to-be. 

Her hand flattened over the swell beneath her coat as she stepped up onto the porch.  All her life things had been taken away from her.  Her family.  Her home.  That feeling of security.  Then Jarrett came into her life.  He was her friend.  Her confidante.  A strong shoulder to lean on.  And lean on him she had one emotionally heart-wrenching night.  She had just found out her mother had passed away.  Despite never having had a relationship with her mother, it still pained her to know she was gone.  Any hope of ever mending fences with her was gone.   

There had only been that one night with Jarrett, but that had been all it had taken.  She’d barely gotten over the shock of finding herself pregnant, had only just allowed herself to think that maybe they could make a marriage work for the sake of their child, had accepted that maybe true love could grow from their friendship, when Jarrett was taken from her, too.

Ellie reached for the door, tightening her grip on the handle as she pulled it open.  The gusting wind threatened to tear it from her grasp and slam it into the wall, but she held tight.

Having spent most of her life in southern California, she still hadn’t gotten used to the Wyoming winters.  But good weather or bad, Eagle Ridge was her home now and she wouldn’t trade it for the world.

She stepped into the house and hurried to close the door behind her, shutting out the storm.  Her coat and boots were once again covered in a thick, clinging snow that weighted them down.

Bracing one hand on the wall to balance herself, she removed Jarrett’s boots and placed them on the rubber mat beside the front door.  Her own boots, more fashionable than practical, were still drying off in the kitchen from when she had gone out earlier that morning.

For the past four months, she’d been living at the ranch with Jarrett.  Although it had taken a great deal of convincing on his part to get her to move in, she was glad she had.  She had her own room and they had settled in like the good friends they were.  Other than wanting her to marry him, he never pushed her for more.

The ranch was the first place she’d ever allowed herself to think of as home.  Now Lucas was back and things would go back to the way they used to be.  Her living over the coffee shop – alone.  No more seeing to the animals.  Despite the work it entailed, she would miss it.  Flo most of all.  She’d shared her deepest, darkest secrets with that silly old milk cow over the past few weeks.

Shrugging out of her coat, she hung it up to dry.  Then, reaching up, she brushed the glistening snowflakes from her hair with her fingertips.  If she was chilled to the bone after just a few minutes out in the blustery storm, she could only imagine how cold Jarrett’s brother must be out there. 

Rubbing the chill from her arms, she hurried into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, something she hadn’t done since Jarrett died.  At least at the ranch.  Doing it at work was a given.  But even then she didn’t drink it.  Not since her ob-gyn told her to watch her caffeine intake.  So her beverage of choice during those cold winter months had become decaffeinated tea.

And then there was food.  Once she’d gotten past the nausea that had come with the first term of her pregnancy, the cravings began.  Mostly for sweets.  Fortunately for her, one of the perks of owning a coffee shop was being able to enjoy a variety of freshly baked goodies.  Not that she’d ever overindulged. Making a profit was more important than satisfying a sweet tooth.

She wasn’t sure where she would be without the coffee shop.  It had been a place of refuge for her those past weeks, giving her a break from the loneliness that had settled over the ranch since the accident. 

Her gaze dropped down to her ever-swelling abdomen and her heart clenched.  Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought of Jarrett.  If only she could have loved him deeper, more in the way that he had her.

It was a genetic flaw that made her incapable of loving anyone that deeply.  Neither of her parents had been able to love each other enough to make their marriage work.  And they hadn’t been able to love her enough to want to have her in their lives.

Then Jarrett came along and gave her something she’d never had before – a friendship she could trust in.  And she had trusted him.  At least as much as her carefully guarded heart would allow.  But there was always that small piece of her she held back just in case he decided to walk away.

Though he hadn’t abandoned her, not by choice, Jarrett was gone and never coming back.  Despite all his promises to be there for her, for their son - forever.

If only she’d known how short that ‘forever’ would end up being.  Maybe then she would have done things differently.  Tried harder to love him as more than a friend.  Accepted his proposal sooner instead of dreading the thought of a not-so-perfect marriage. Because that’s what it would have started off to be.  Just like her parents’ marriage had been.

Her mother had only been nineteen when she’d gotten pregnant out of wedlock.  She married Ellie’s father because that’s what was expected of them.  Her father, twenty-one at the time, resented her mother for ‘trapping’ him into marriage.  Over the years the relationship fell apart.  One day her father walked out of the house never to be heard from again.  Unable to cope with raising a child on her own, her mother left Ellie in the care of family.  She was shuffled around from relative to relative, eventually ending up in the foster system during her teen years. 

Being abandoned at the age of seven by her parents had been emotionally devastating for Ellie.  And now, twenty years later, she still carried the emotional scars of their abandonment.

She feared the resentment she knew would come.  One that stemmed from being tied to someone through an unexpected pregnancy just as it had with her parents.  She had told Jarrett as much.  But he was determined and hadn’t given up on her.  On them.  She finally relented, agreeing to an engagement with the condition they wait on setting a wedding date.  She needed time to deal with all the changes in her life.

Why hadn’t she just pushed her fears aside and married Jarrett right away like he’d wanted her to?  She’d asked herself that countless times since the night Blaine Cooke had shown up at her door with the news of Jarrett’s accident. 

The gurgling of the coffee maker drew Ellie from her thoughts.  She walked over and pulled a package of sweet rolls from the freezer, one of the many meals and desserts that had been dropped off at the ranch after Jarrett’s memorial service.

Placing them on a plate, she stuck the rolls in the microwave to thaw before placing them in the oven.  Once they were warming, she walked over and grabbed a coffee mug from the cupboard.

A loud rapping at the front door signaled Lucas’s return.  Setting the mug on the counter, she hurried out to the entryway to let him in.

An icy gust of snow swept in, past his hulking, snow-covered form.  “Oh my,” she said with a grin as she looked him over.  “You look just like the Abominable Snow Monster.” 

“Yeah, well, I feel like the Abominable Popsicle Man,” he replied with what may or may not have been a smile.  It was so brief it was impossible to know for sure.  Unlike his brother, Lucas Tanner seemed to keep a tight rein on his emotions.

She stepped aside to let him in, closing the door behind him.  “That’s a lot of wood,” she said, rubbing the chill from her arms. 

“Not nearly enough,” he muttered.  “You’ll need at least another armload.”  He shook his head, sending icy flakes into the air around him.  Then he stepped onto the rubber mat and stomped his feet, knocking the clumps of snow off his boots.

“Don’t worry about the snow,” she told him.  His arms had to be feeling the strain of the wood he’d stacked in them.  “It’ll wipe up.”

He nodded.  “I’ll see to it after I get the fire going.”

She followed him into the next room.  “I’ll take care of it.”

He glanced back over his shoulder.  “No.”

The intensity in his blue eyes stopped any protest she might have given.

“You don’t need to be scrubbing floors,” he told her as he deposited the armload of firewood he was carrying into the empty antique crate.  “Not in your condition.”

“You want to clean it up?  Be my guest.  Just so you know, I might be pregnant, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do what needs done around here.”  She didn’t want him having any doubts as to that.  And she certainly didn’t need him coming in and telling her what she could and couldn’t do. 

His gaze shifted to the dying fire and then back to her.  “I can see that.”

Okay, so maybe she hadn’t been able to keep up with everything.  But she was putting her all into keeping things afloat - the ranch, her coffee shop, and her life.  Was she crazy to think she could do it all?  Maybe so.   

You were doing it for Jarrett.
  The ranch had been in his family for generations.  And if life had turned out differently, it would have been their son’s legacy. 

Closing her eyes, Ellie fought the onslaught of tears that pricked at the backs of her eyes.  She wouldn’t let them fall.  Tears were a sign of weakness and she refused to be weak.  Besides, crying wouldn’t change things.  Life had taught her that lesson a very long time ago.

With a muttered curse, Lucas stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her in a comforting embrace.  “I’m sorry, Ellie.  That comment was uncalled for.  I know things haven’t been easy for you.”

He had no idea.

“It’s all right,” she said with a sniffle as her head rested against the broad expanse of his chest.  The ease she felt at being held in his strong arms startled her.  Her head shot up and she pushed free of his hold.  “I...I’m sure this hasn’t been easy for you either.” 

Lucas turned to kneel in front of the glowing embers, without a reply.  He didn’t have to give one.  The rigid set of his broad shoulders and the slow, controlled breaths he took as he knelt in front of the fireplace said it all.  He was hurting, too.

She started forward then stopped.  No matter how great the urge to place a comforting hand on his shoulder was at that moment, she resisted.  She wasn’t emotionally prepared to share her feelings, let alone deal with someone else’s.  That took trust, something that still didn’t come easy for her. 

She watched the embers shift and flames grow as he added logs to the dying fire.  “Can I take your hat and coat?  I’ll hang them up by the front door.”

“I still have to get another load of wood.”

“The coffee should be ready.  Why don’t you have a cup before you go back out into the cold again?”

He straightened and turned, once again towering over her.  Melting snowflakes dampened the exposed pieces of his thick wavy hair, causing it to curl at the collar of his jacket.  It was hard not to stare.  He reminded her of Jarrett in so many ways.

He glanced toward the rattling window with a sigh.  “I suppose a few more minutes won’t make that much of a difference.”  His blue eyes met hers again as he shrugged out of his coat and handed it to her, followed by his hat.

She took them, hoping he wouldn’t notice the way her hand trembled as she did so.  The embrace he’d given her moments before had left her unexpectedly shaken.

“I’ll hang these and go check on your coffee.  Meet you in the kitchen.”

Lucas watched her go, taking in the gentle sway of her hips.  Not a walk of seduction, but one of a woman whose body was changing to support the life growing inside it.  Anna had walked like that when she was carrying their child.  Lord, how he used to love watching her move about, her eyes alight with happiness, her body aglow from her impending motherhood.  She’d been so beautiful.

He turned back to the fire, bracing his hands on the roughened timber that made up the mantle.  Hanging his head, he squeezed his eyes shut.  First his parents.  Then Anna.  And now Jarrett. 

“Keep it together, Tanner,” he muttered to himself as he pushed away from the fireplace.  In a week or so, he’d be able to walk away from the painful memories Eagle Ridge held for him.  All he had to do was hold it together until then.

He made his way to the kitchen.

“Coffee’s ready,” Ellie said with a smile as she turned from the sink, dishtowel in hand.

“Just give me a sec.  I want to take a quick look at the heater and see why it’s not running the way it should.”  He stepped into the utility room which sat next to the walk-in pantry.