Loving Hart (25 page)

I cried at how good it felt, even as he put his hands under my hips and lifted me up onto my knees as he kept fucking in and out, his ownership of my body absolute.  I love
d him so much that I could
barely
breathe with it. 

Hours went by as we made love.  We would slow down but not stop, and there were many times I wondered if I'd die from the pleasure.  He filled me again and again and again with his come, but he wasn't stopping. 

It was the middle of the night and I was on my back, my hips elevated by the pillow he'd put under me, my sex gushing as he thrust in and out.  We were covered in sweat, panting and moaning.  His chest was covered in love bites, his back and his ass decorated with scratch marks.  The room smelled like the two of us, and I knew we were both exhausted. 

He kissed me over and over again, like he couldn't stop, couldn't get enough.  "Fucking love you so goddamn much Delilah.  Love you, love you, love you, love you."

Every time he told me he loved me, he
pounded into me harder
,
and
the headboard
was banging
against the
wall as the bed shook beneath us
. 
The angle he was working was crazy deep,
and
with each thrust
he was
rubbing against a spot in me that was making me insane.

I nodded my head as my heart pounded in my chest and my sex literally gushed around him.
Harder and harder he thrust, my breasts bouncing up and down as he continued working me.  "
I love you
Spence.  I'll always love you, so fucking much."

I screamed his name over and over as my sex tightened up around him
,
and I felt myself explode. 
It was the strongest orgasm I'd
ever had, the connection amazing and absolute.  The contractions in my sex kept my orgasm rolling on and on, my body rigid beneath him as he thrust like a mad man.  With one last powerful thrust, he pumped everything he had left into me with a
tortured
yell.
 

We were both done after that, but we stayed together for a long time, my legs wrapped around his waist, arms around his shoulders.  Eventually
,
the heat of all our loving dissipated, and I shivered underneath him.  He pulled out with a groan, rolling onto his back.  He had the presence of mind to pull the pillow out from under me.  I watched
through eyes that were at half-
mast as he stood up and
retrieved the comforter from the floor.  After putting it on the bed, he pulled it over both of us before pulling me into his arms.

"I'm going to stay until you fall asleep and then I'll go.  I can't say goodbye, so I'm not going to.  I love you Delilah, more than anything and I always will.  We might not be able
to be together, but I'd
die for you angel.  I'm always here if you need anything, and I always will be."

After telling him that I loved him too, I cried myself to sleep in his arms.  It wasn't a deep sleep, and I felt when he kissed my shoulder, felt when he put his face in my hair and took a deep breath, felt his breath on my face when he kissed my lips.  I heard the catch in his breath, heard
his sniffle and I
knew he was trying not to cry himself
. 
I stayed silent until the moment I heard the front door close and lock, and then I started crying all over again.

I stayed in the bed like that, only getting up to drink soda and go to the bathroom, for the next three days.  I called out sick to work on Monday and Tuesday, but Wednesday I knew I had to go in.

I'd spent three days telling my family that I was sick, and I think the only reason it worked was because Dominique was busy with Tally, Dante was busy with Sabrina, and Damien and Brooke were finally together. He'd taken her away for the week, and I guess that ever
yone was so happy that those two
were finally happy
that nobody
notice
d
that I was miserable. Dante and Dominique both fought with me about coming over, but I told them that I was fine, just running a
low-grade
fever.  

Leaving Delilah's that night was the hardest thing I've ever done.  It hurt more than anything I'd ever had to do before, and to this moment I'm really not exactly sure how I did it.  I'd woken up that morning so full of hope and love, but when I left her house, I had less than half a heart left and no hope at all.

A big part of me wanted to give her what she wanted, just so that I could keep her forever. It was only when I realized how much of a selfish bastard that would make me
that I put the brakes on that line of thoughts.  Sure, I could agree to have children.  But it would be beyond cruel of me to saddle her with me as the father of her children.  She'd lose all respect and love for me the second she realized that I didn't have a fucking clue about how to be a parent.

It's shitty to be around people who are so sickeningly happy when I'm so miserably fucking sad.  I didn't sleep at all on Sunday.  Instead, I sat on my couch and thought about Delilah.  I spent hours remembering a million different things about her, wishing that things could be different. 

No matter how much I love
Delilah, I'm both unwilling and unable
to have children.  I've always known that I don't want
them
.  The idea is so abhorrent to me that it makes me ill.  I'm not cut out to be a father
,
and I know it.  I sure as shit didn't have a good role model.  The closest I've ever come to having a father figure is Dante.  Everything I learned about being a good person came from him. 

I know Dante, and I don't think for one second that he wouldn't be appalled by the idea of the Cross and Hart DNA mixing.  The chance that we would have a child that would have characteristics of any of our parents is repellant.  A child with that big of a deck stacked against them would need a good parent, not someone like me.

I'm a damn fool for not realizing long before now that Delilah would want children.  She's the kindest and most loving person that I know.  Of course she wants to be a mother.  I have no doubt that it's a job she will excel at.

Seeing her with someone else is going to kill me, but I can't give her what she needs.  My plan is to gradually pull away from Delilah until she's not bothered by it anymore.  Then I'll transfer to one of the other branches
,
and that will be that.  The fact that I'll wind up good old Uncle Spencer is going to be a shitty enough cross to bear
,
without having to add proximity to the equation.

She's due back at work today, and I know she hasn't called out.  I'll do my best to avoid her, but I'm going to peek in at her at some point.  She doesn’t have to see me for me to ascertain that she's alright.

Dominique breezed into my office just after ten, plopping down in front of my desk. "Damien called in.  He says that you a
nd I need to head on out to the Century City build and take a look at penthouse suite 4a.  He thinks the builders are reading your plans wrong
,
and he wants us to re-measure it and map it out according to your schematics."

I got up from the desk and grabbed my laptop bag.  Nonchalantly
,
I looked at her and asked if Delilah was back at work.  She was so busy answering a text from Tally that she didn't spare me a second glance when she said, "Yep, she's downstairs at her desk. I can tell she's still a little under the weather still, but other than that she's alright."

I've been
out of my mind with worry about Delilah, but I knew she needed time alone without me. I know that she's okay
;
only because she responded to my texts asking if she was with a yes, and now Dominique is confirming that to be true.  How the fuck did we get here?  I can't even go to her and show concern.

I walked past
Dominique
as she continued texting, hoping
that she didn't see how sa
d I was.  She never said a word, so I assume that she didn't. 
We spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon in Century City, painstakingly going over every inch of the space.  It wasn't
easy to find the issue
, but eventually Dominique found the problem.  I couldn't help but to be proud of her,
so
pleased with the woman that she's turned into.

She asked me to stop for a late lunch, and we wound up at a bistro that she loves.  As sad as I am, it's nice to spend time with Dominique.  She's like a sister, and I adore her.  I've always been able to separate her from Delilah.  When I look at Dominique, I see her, not Delilah.  They're identical, unless you know them.  Once you do, it's so obvious it's insane.

I struggle
d
to keep up with her as she talked
, filling me in on her life.  I was worried about her earlier this year when she was
so unhappy, but now she's overflowing with happiness.  It's a complete one eighty
,
and I'm happy for her.

"So Damien texted me this morning and he's going all in with Brooke.  He says as soon as they get home he's going to have an engagement ring made.  He's already set up a time to ask Sabrina for her hand officially, even though she already knows to expect it.  Can you imagine? In five weeks my Dante will be married
,
and Damien will be engaged!  You're next."

I sputtered all over that one.  "No.  I'm never getting married, never getting into a relationship."

She took that in for a
moment before responding.  "Then
it's elephant in the room time. 
You’re telling me that you've got no more feelings for my sister? I've seen you
two together.  Yeah, it was two
years ago, but I know love when I see it.  I was pissed at you for a long time after that, because you went right back to being a fucking idiot.  But things are different now.  Everyone is settling down, so why shouldn't you?"

My thoughts were all over the place on how to answer.  Eventually
,
I settled on the truth.  "That's not going to happen
,
Dominique. I'll always love your sister more than anyone else in the world, without a doubt.  But
she
wants a different life than I do.  We would never work out.  It's better that we stay friends."

She looked miffed by that statement.  "Wait, what do you mean you want a different life?  Are you saying you couldn't be faithful? Jesus
,
Spence! That's fucked up!"

I raised my hands in surrender.  "No! That's not what I'm saying at all.  If I was with your sist
er, it would only ever be her. I don't even see other women when she's in the room
,
Dominique.  Honestly, even when she's not around, I really don't see them.  Other women are just kind of there. Your sister… she's got my entire heart
and she always will.  It’s hers
. 
The issue is that she wants children
,
and I'm not open to that at all.  We’re both very firm on that issue in our different ways, and it's not negotiable for either of us."

Shaking her head, she stared at me.  "I get that
it's
a good reason.
God knows, if people like our parents had discussed that BEFORE they had children that they hated… The five of us were lucky that we had e
ach other.  Without you and my brothers,
Delilah and I wouldn't be here today.
 
That's why
I don't
get
why you
don't
want to have children.  You're one of the best protectors
and providers I know. I swear that
you were born to be a father."

I all but gaped at her.  Shit, maybe I actually did gape.  I don’t see myself as being fatherly at all.  Not even a little bit.

"I appreciate you saying that Dominique, but the truth is… I'd never want to be a father.  I have no idea what good parenting would look like.  People learn what they live. My father was a monster.  I would never bring a life into the world with that kind of shit hanging over my head. 
I'm just lucky that I grew up as something other than a monster myself."

She was shaking her head at me in obvious disagreement.
"That wasn't luck
,
Spence.  You made it in spite of
your parents
because you're an amazing human being.  I feel the same way about my brothers.  We all made it through the shit, but the three of you bore the brunt of the insanity.  I've been talking to Tally about this quite a bit actually, and we're thinking
that someday
we'd like to adopt some kids
that had to live like we did.  Let's face it, without Mama San, none of us would have had much of a future
.
You guys did an amazing job, but shit with my dad was definitely coming to a head
,
and it would have destroyed the three of you. We got damn lucky that he died. I don't care how that sounds,
that's
how I feel.  Not a lot of kids get as lucky as we did by having a Sandra in their lives.
I feel like I have to pay it forward."