Loving Hart (24 page)

I stretched gently, careful not to wake him up. It was clear that he was tired, and I wanted him to sleep.  I
tiptoed
my way into the bathroom
,
and turned on all of the shower jets.  Spencer's shower was even more amazing now than it was
two
years ago.  He'd had more
showerheads
installed, and they beat down on me in the most heavenly of ways.  I washed using his body wash and shampoo with conditioner, bemoaning the lack of actual conditioner. My hair is never smooth enough after I use one of the shampoo and conditioner mixes, and I just had to hope that I would be able to do something with my hair that wasn't pure frizz ball.

Laughing quietly to myself, I got out of the shower and dried off.  I didn't bother looking for an additional toothbrush, instead choosing to use his.  I've swallowed Spencer's come, and I don't think sharing a toothbrush is going to kills us.
  Using the toothbrush makes me feel like I've added another layer of intimacy.
  After doing the best that I could do with my hair, I was finished.

Opening the door to the bedroom, I made my way to his drawers and plucked out
a t-shirt.  I'm five foot five
and Spencer's six foot one, so his shirt comes down
far enough to make me decent.
  I was
all but swimming in it
.  I fou
nd it very comforting.

Once I was dressed, I made my way out into the kitchen where I spent the next forty minutes making pancakes, bacon, eggs and toast.  I put
out
a fresh pot of coffee while I set the table.  I'd considered waking Spencer up, but decided that I'd let him wake up by himself.  I didn’t see him coming, so when he wrapped his arms around me, I squealed.

Turning in his grasp, I stood on my
tiptoes
and linked my arms behind his neck.  He was freshly showered
,
so his hair was still damp.  He smelled amazing, and he looked damn hot too. 
I smiled up into his eyes before dropping a kiss on his lips.  "Good morning babe.  I made us a huge breakfast.  I know I worked up an appetite.  You hungry?"

He smiled at me, huge.  "Oh baby, I am
so
fucking hungry.  You have no idea.  I'll stop and eat before we head back to the bedroom though."

I laughed at that, loving his brashness.  "I'm into that plan, but how about we go to Malibu for the rest of the day and night?  I could use a break
,
and I bet you could too."

We spent the next half hour eating and laughing, soaking up the time with each other.  After breakfast
,
I left and drove home while he stayed back and packed his bag. Once I got back to my apartment, I quickly packed my own bag.  Within ten minutes, Spencer was knocking at my door, and five minutes after that we were on the road.  He drove and I turned up the radio, enjoying the sunshine and the open sunroof as we listened to The Foo Fighters.

We barely got into
the house before he had me in his arms again. 
"How about we go to the store and get everything we'll need to barbeque later.  We'll go old school and get s'mores and everything.  While we're out we can pick up a movie too."

I loved his plan and agreed to it quickly.  We got back into the car and headed out to the market.  We wandered the aisles
,
picking out what we wanted.  Spencer held the basket
with
his left hand and my hand
with
his right. 
It was fun and relaxed, beautifully comfortable.  Standing in line, we whispered to each other like fools while Spencer stood behind me, nuzzling my neck.  I shivered when he leaned forward to whisper in my ear.  "
I'm having the b
est day ever angel, and we're only in the fuckin
’
store. 
I'm so in love with you Delilah
."

My heart melted into a puddle at my feet.
  Lifting my arm up, I slid my hand into his hair and pulled his head toward mine, stopping only when our lips were just about to touch.  Looking into his eyes, I smiled.  "That's good, because I'm crazy in love with you, too."

I continued melting as he captured my mouth in the sweetest kiss, a promise of things to come.  We parted laughing when the cashier discreetly coughed.  I smiled at her, my cheeks hot with the blush I knew I had.  "Sorry.  We didn't mean…"

She laughed and shook her head.  "Don't apologize.  I was watching you thinking it must be really amazing to be in love
like that."

I beame
d at her as Spencer pulled me tighter against him.  "That's so sweet of you to say," I told her.  "Thank you."

She smiled back at me.  "You two look like one of those couples you see in picture frames at the home store.  I bet when you two have kids they'll be the most beautiful children ever."

I saw the blonde haired little boy that Spencer had been in my mind, and my heart twisted with longing to have a son that looked just like him. 
I started to giggle just as I felt Spencer tense behind me.  We were so c
lose together that I swear I could
actually feel the rigidity of his spine.  Just at that moment
,
the cashier told us what the total was, and Spencer pulled away to grab his wallet.  We spent another minute finishing the check out before we each grabbed a bag and headed to the car.

The silence seemed weird, all things considered.  A few minutes ago we'd been in a love bubble, and now Spencer was ramro
d straight
,
and his natural fluidity had morphed into something all herky jerky.

As soon as we had the bags settled and we were in the car, I grabbed his arm.  "What's wrong baby?"

His gr
imace told me that whatever it wa
s, he
really didn't
want to discuss it.  We stared at each other in silence for a moment before he took a deep breath and started speaking.

"I'm sorry angel. I didn't mean to get weird.  I know I should have mentioned this before, but it's not like it's something I'd just throw into conversation for no reason."

The feeling of dread that settl
ed into my stomach wa
s all consumin
g and alarming.  What the hell wa
s he freaking out about?  I gestured for him to continue, desperate for him to blurt out whatever it was.

"I don't want children Delilah.  Not ever.  It's not up for negotiation, and I'm never going to change my mind.  I love you angel, and I swear to god I'll do anything humanly possible to make you happy, but that's the one thing I
won't ever
give you."

My mind worked at warp speed as I tried
to extrapolate out from everything that Spence
r had
said. 
No children?

No children.

No children.

N
o children.

Oh my god… he doesn't want children.  How
had I never heard this from him before? It's like he just told me he's go
t a secret identity.  The pain wa
s shocking
, absolutely life altering
.  Not up for negotiation, he said.  What the hell?

For as long as I can remember, I've known two things with absolute certainty.  The first is that Spencer is my other half.  The second is that I want children.
 
His
children.

I did
n't even know what to say.  Never, not i
n any of my dreams, had I ever
once envisioned my children having any other father but Spencer. 
I can so clearly see him rubbing my rounded belly
as he talks
to it, holding my hand in the delivery room, running through a backyard chasing after our daughter, playing hide and seek just like he used to with me.  I can see him coaching our son's baseball team, staying up on Christmas Eve with me as we wrap our children's gifts, sitting at a dinner table as a family, watching him take pictures for family photo albums.

I'm going to need to make some kind of a choice.  Either I give up my lifelong love of Spencer and commit to
having children
, or I give up my lifelong desire to be a mother and commit to being childless.

Just like that, the future I'd alway
s dreamed about exploded in
my face, leaving an atomic cloud in its wake.  I'd give up almost anything for Spencer, sacrifice almost anything.  But the one thing I can't give up is my dream of being a mother.  As much as I love him, I'd come to resent him for closing the door on my biggest dream
. 

"Spence… I need you to take me home. Home, home.  Not your house here.
I'm sorry Spencer, but
I can't
agree to
this
."

The l
ook on his face was one of pure
jaw dropped shock, but I couldn't even connect to it.  "You can't mean that Delilah!
  I know you love me angel.  It's just children. We'd be together, all the time.  I'll make you so happy, give you anything you want or need.  I love you!"

Just children? How could he think that?

It took inner strength I didn't even know I possessed to keep myself
calm and tear free.  I knew this was going to hurt him, but it was one thing I just could
n't compromise on.

Shaking my head sadly, I cupped his cheek.  "I'm sorry babe.  I can't.  I love you Spencer, so damn much.  It kills me to do this, but I know what I can't do is pretend I'm alright with what you've just said.  I don't just
want
children
,
Spence.  I
need
them.  For as far back as I can remember… I've known that I wanted you to be my husband and the father of our children.  I get that's not what you want, and it kills me.  But I can't commit to never having children.  I need to be a mom.
If I agreed to stay with you and said I'd be happy without children of my own, I'd be lying.  Eventually I'd come to resent you, and I couldn't live like that.
"

His mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out.
I rubbed his cheek with my thumb, willing him to say that he'd at least think about it rather than lose me. 

Instead, he nodded his head.  "You'r
e right.  It's too much to ask."

The car ride back to his house to collect our stuff was made in dead silence.  I had never really unpacked my overnight bag, so I was ready to go in less than four minutes.  I waited silently while he made sure everything was turned off and locked
,
and then we headed out. 

I was home very quickly after that.  Spence walked me into my apartment, laying my bag down on the couch.  Seeing him standing there looking so dejected broke my heart.  I knew that I had to love him one last time, had to create a memory that I could hold onto forever.

I was across the room in a flash, jumping into his arms.  He groaned as his mouth covered mine, his hands holding onto my ass
as I wrapped my legs around him and held onto his enormous biceps.
I rubbed against him frantically, needing release. 

"God…
angel
.  What are we doing?"

Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I kissed him over and over again.  "I need you inside of me one last time Spencer.  I need this.  Don't say no."

He pulled back for a moment to stare into my eyes.  I could tell by the feral
expression on his face that the answer was yes, and he had me naked so fast that my head was spinning.  I was soaking for him, completely ready.  He lifted me up and impaled me
in
one hard thrust, taking me against the entryway wall.  I'd expected it to be rough, but instead he was gentle. 

I moaned into his mouth with every gentle thrust, loving him with my tongue as he loved me with his body.  I cried out when his fingers started working my clit, crying out my release as an orgasm slammed through me.

We stayed connected as he walked us into my bedroom, sliding me down onto the bed. 
I cried out over and over as his gentle but passionate thrusting kept me on the edge of insanity.  Loving him like this was the most beautiful thing I'd ever experienced
,
and I soaked it in even as my heart broke
and tears poured down my cheeks
.

Gradually he picked up speed, increasing the intensity.  He raised my right leg and pulled it against his chest, laying it over his left shoulder.
The penetration was deeper that
way, more intense.  I fisted the comforter under me as I came again with a keening wail, but he didn't stop.  Our eyes stayed lock onto each other as we continued moving together. 

Pulling out, he flipped me over onto my stomach and laid me down flat.  It took a bit of work, but he slid his cock back into me with a groan
,
and started working himself in and out again.  The pressure inside of me was unreal
,
and I could feel my arousal spreading everywhere, even my mound was soaking wet.  I screamed when his f
inger started rubbing my ass
, sending me into an orgasm that t
hreatened to throw me into actual orbit.  He
bit my neck as he started coming inside of me,
filling me up with his love.