Loving Hart (4 page)

I knew I had gotten my point acr
oss when he nodded and wrote a two hundred thousand dollar
check to Sandra
, his hands shaking the entire time
.  I'm not sure my mother even noticed I left.

Fo
r the first time in my life, I was
safe. 
I even had
my own room.
It probably sucks for a
twenty-seven
year old woman to have five kids in the house, three of them being teenage boys, but she says she loves it.  I can tell she feels awful about how we all lived before.

She's
busy working, saving the company Dante says, but
Aunt Sandra
still finds time to cook real food
,
and
she makes
us all eat dinner as a family every night.  We
aren't allowed
to leave the table until everyone
is finished
,
and we have to use
our
best table manners. 
It's
a lot
different than what it was like when the Harts were alive, and
that’s
a
good
thing.
I remember when we were little that I wanted something normal like this.
  I'm glad we all finally have it.

I've noticed a
big
difference with the girls
.
They love Sandra, and she loves them.
 
It's
nice
, and
she's
sure as hell a better paren
t than either of the Harts ever
was
.
  She volunteers for all their school parties
,
and says the girls can have friends over anytime they want. 
The girls have taken to calling her Mama San.  The first time that Dominique said it to her, she burst into tears. 
It was then that I knew that she really loved us all, and that she wanted to be here.
  Damien got choked up and had to leave the room.  I asked him later what that was all about
and
he said, "Come on, man.  They
were raised
by three boys.  I always wished they had a mom that cared about them."

Even with Mr.
and
Mrs. Hart gone
,
some old routines
have stayed the same.  Every night at bedtime, me, Damien and Dante sit with the girls
and talk about life
.  I sit between Dominique and Delilah's beds and hold Delilah's hand until she falls asleep, just like always.
 

As happy as I am to have a safe place to
live
,
I'm angry a lot of the time lately. 
I still wake up in the middle of the night
when I hear noises, panicking because I think
my dad is coming into the room.  I hate the memories that are in my head.

When I have nightmares,
it's
always
Delilah that wakes me up, always her that brings me back to reality. 
She says I
don't
cry out, but that she can "feel" that something is wrong
,
so
she knows to wake me up. 
She'll
sit on the floor next to my bed
,
and hold my hand until I'm calm.

She always says, "You're going to be okay Spence. 
I love you more than anything."

I love her best of all
,
too. 

Sometimes
,
it feels like the only thing that really calms me down is the feeling of Delilah's hand in mine.
  She needs me to be strong for her, to be a
good
influence, and I think about that anytime I'm about to explode. 

***

Now
that
they'
re
fourteen, Delilah and Dominique want to go out all the time.  Dominique has morphed into the calmer of the two
,
while Delilah
has become a social butterfly
. 
Dante moved out when he went to college
, even though he didn't want to.
  Aunt Sandra insisted, telling him that he needed to allow himself to enjoy the experience instead of worrying about the twins all the time.  "You grew up too fast
,
Dante," she told him.  "It's time for
you
to think about you
rself
sweetheart. 
They're
safe. 
You're
all safe. 
You
can do this." 
In the end
he agreed to go, even though he was a nervous wreck about it.  He might be gone, but
he's
here
every weekend for dinner
,
and
he calls the girls every day to check on them.
Damien says we'll
probably
have an easier
time leaving, but that
it will
still
be hard.  To be honest, it scares the shit out of me.  This is the first home I've ever had.

Damien and I are in
our
senior year in high school, and the girls are in their freshman year. 
It's the first time we've all been in school together in years, and we all thought it would be a good thing, but Delilah has been brutal about the girls Damien and I hang around with.
 
I don't know why, because no one either of us have sex with is a big deal.
 
It's
not like we bring them home or anything.
  They're just girls. 

Every night
,
when
it's
time for the Delilah and Dominique to be home for curfew, Damien
and
I pick them up and bring them home.  We stopped sitting in their room and staying until they fell asleep a few years ago
, and
although I
’d
never
admit it
to anyone
, I mi
ss that routine.

Delilah
still comes in and sits on the floor next to my bed when I have nightmares, still holds my hand until I get my shit back together. 
And
she always
tells me that she loves me more than anything.

As much as I love Dante, Damien and Dominique, Delilah is different. 
She's the one person in the world I feel most
like myself
with.
 
Don't
know why that is, but
that's
how I feel.

***

The girls have suddenly morphed into young ladies, and to
me it
seems like it happened overnight. 
They're
both driving now, and each has a job of her own.
Delilah’s working at a daycare center in the baby room
,
and Dominique’s working at
a
bookstore
.

I've really tried to be supportive of them growing up and spreading their wings, but sometimes it doesn’t work out so well.
  When Delilah had her first date, I showed up at the movie theater and sat right
behind them like a bodyguard. 
That little punk knew better than to touch her, which was a relief.

When both girls failed to turn up for curfew one night a few months ago,
Aunt Sandra called me and told me to find Damien and get home to help her find them.  "
I need to know where they are
,
Spence
! What if they were in a car with a drunk driver? Come
home
!"  Damien
had been indisposed
because the two of us were at a party. As soon as I walked into the bedroom he was in and told him there was an emergency, he jumped off the girl he was with
,
and the two of us hauled ass to get home. 

Damien and I spent alm
ost two hours searching for the girls
before finally locating them at a party a few miles from home, hanging out with friends that neither of us approved of.
  They were drunk as hell when we found them, and once we got them home, I spent the night holding Delilah's hand and rubbing her back while she prayed to the porcelain god.
  Damien held down the fort in Dominique's bathroom while she threw up, and Sandra walked back and forth between th
e two.  She hugged Damien and me
a million times
in thanks.  "I
don't
know what I'd do without you boys."

Frankly, I
didn't
know what we would do without her, either.  She was the one that wrote all the checks for
our
college applications, the one that taught us how to drive, the one that made sure we got medical care
,
and had clothes and food.
She's the person that helped me choose my major, and it was Sandra that stood and cheered when Damien and I graduated.
  My parents
weren't
there, and I
didn't
miss them. 
Sandra took
the responsibility
for all of us, and I know that we all are thankful to her beyond anything that words can express for what
she's
done.  Her house is full of love and laughter, and everything centers around us all being a family.  We went from sleeping in sheds and hiding from
our
parents to living a normal life in a beautiful house
that's
overflowing with pictures of us as a family. 
I've got a lot of love for Sandra, so I
was pissed
at the girls for stressing her out, and so was Damien. 

When Dante found out about their drunken escapade, he flipped his lid. 
They're
just lucky that he was in Miami on business when that happened
,
because he probably would have hired a helicopter with a spotlight to search for them. 
He's
the biggest mother hen of us all.
  I think the girls
were scared
straight by all of us being as upset
as we were, and they took their
punishment
,
two months of
being grounded
,
without a peep.  I'd guess that they will still party, but I think we've seen the last of them disappearing and puking.

I wish
ed that
I could turn back time to before they were teenagers, back to when the girls were young and sweet and innocent, and the only thing we had to worry about was making sure they did their homework. 

Those days are gone though, and that really hit home this afternoon when
I showed up
at Dante's new house
for
a
Sunday family barbeque
.
I almost passed the fuck out when I found Delilah laying out by the pool in a royal blue bikini.
 
She was the absolute definition of the word hot, and
my brain turned to mush.
  She’s easily the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen with her long blonde hair, blue eyes, golden skin and beautiful smile.  When Delilah smiles, it feels like everything is right.  But seeing her in that suit… she wasn’t just gorgeous.  She was sexy.

I was so mortified with the direction my thoughts had taken that I dove into the pool to conceal my reaction to seeing her all but naked.
  I've seen Delilah in a bathing suit at least
a thousand times, but my reaction to her this time is frightening. 
What was
mor
e alarming wa
s that Dominique
was
wearing something
far sexier, and I felt
no attraction to her
what so ever
.
 

My mind
went
into overdrive when I real
ize
d
something really
alarming
.
  I feel
absolutely
no attraction to Dominique because I think of her as a sist
er.  I love Delilah
, but I
don't
feel
brotherly
towards her at all, and now that I
think about it, I never
have.  I feel protective of her
.
I love her more than anyone in the world
,
and I'd take a bullet for her…
but
I
wouldn't
be doing any of that
while thinking of her as a sister
. 
What the fuck am
I going to do about that?