Loving Hart (3 page)

Of course
,
she wa
s
right, and Dominique wa
s just where Delilah said she would be.

"Aww,
you
told him Delilah!
No fair.
You're
always
tellin
’
him where I am! Spence is always going to be a
bad
seeker if
you
don't
let him find me himself."

As usual, Delilah jumped to my defense.  "He's not a
bad
seeker Dominique
.
You’re
just
a
real
good
hider.
Best in the world,
cause
he can never find you, but
h
e finds
me every time.”

Sticking out her tongu
e at her sister, Dominique laughed
. "He
doesn't
find
you
‘
cause
he's
a
good
seeker. 
He find's you
‘
cause you guys can read each other's minds or something.
  Either that or
he's
magic."

Delilah just laughed as she grabbed Dominique and started tickling her.  Just that quickly, Dominique's frustration at
being found
was gone
, and the sound of happy giggles filled the air.

Most times
,
playing with the Hart kids
is
the only happy I get all day.  I
wish I felt as safe and as happy as I do with the Hart kids all the time.

***

Feels like I've been scared my entire life.  I'm only ever okay when I'm with the Hart
’
s.  Wish we
could
all run away together, but the girls are too young
, and I
couldn’t
ever
leave them behind.  Seems stupid
,
but I feel better when
they're
around
, especially Delilah.
 

I
don't
remember the first time my dad touched me, so I guess
it's
always been this way. 
I hate this part of my life.  I h
ate how his hands and his mouth and his thing are constantly there.  Hate that my mother pretends
it
'
s
normal, tells me boys will be boys
and that my dad needs to assert his dominance, whatever that means
. I h
ate that I'm to
o weak to tell Dante or Damien, but my father made sure that I never would.  "You open that yap of yours
,
and
I'll hurt one of
those
little
ugly troll
Hart twins
you like to protect
so much
,
you little shit."

I w
ant to grow up, want to get out.  I want to leave every day, but I
can't
.  I
can't
leave my friends
,
bec
ause
they're
the only people that
love me. 
Can't leave Delilah
bec
ause I
think she'd lose it
if I went away.
  She always knows when I’m thinking about running away, or when things are real
bad
for me, even though I
c
ould
never tell her that. 

Always she soothes me
by grabbing my hand in hers and saying, “
I love
you
more than anything Spence.  I'd die without
you
here. 
You’ll
never
ever leave me, right Spence?”

My answer never
changes.  “No silly
. Love
you
best,
always going to
need my other half
.”

She's
made me promise her dozens of times that I'll stay, and I
won't
go back on my promises to
Delilah, not ever
.

I
can't
wait to be older and stronger
though
,
can’t
wait until I’m
big
enough to defend us all.
Someday I'll be out of here, away from my dad.  Hate him more than anything in the world.
 
Pray every night that he
wi
ll either leave or die, but he's still here.

I guess I should count myself as lucky that most nights I get to spend the night at the Harts
’
since my mo
ther and father have some weird
sexual relationship with Mr.
Hart. 
It's
disgusting, but
it's
better for me to be at the Harts
’
than at home.  When I'm home, he comes for me.  My mother insists that
it's
no
big
deal. 
"It's not like he's raping you
,
Spencer.
Your father
isn't
doing anything
bad
.  He just wants to touch
you
, let you know
he's
the boss. 
Instead of acting like there's something wrong, why don't you cooperate?
  Make all of
our
lives easier."

Sometimes
,
I look at the two of them and wonder how they
can
be my parents.  When I was younger, I used to dream that two
great
people
would
suddenly knock at the door and explain that they were my real parents,
and
tell me that I
was stolen
from them.  I stopped having that fantasy when
my mother showed me a picture of her when she was pregnant with me
. I
wasn't stolen,
Marceline and Hank are my real parents, and my father is a piece
-
of
-
shit molester.
  The only part of my life that makes me happy is the Hart kids, but
it's
beyond
wrong
that we're a bunch of kids raising ourselves.

If I
didn't
have Delilah to keep me on track, I'd probably be doing some pretty
bad stuff
right now.  Sometimes
,
when
she
's
holdin
g
my hand and starin
g
at me, I wonder if she knows what he does to me
,
if she can see
or feel
it
somehow
. 
Scary the way she knows when I need silence.
  Always knows when I need a hu
g. I always
feel better wh
en I'm holding her little hand. 
It’s a
feelin
g
like nothing bad will happen if we’ve got
each other.
 

***

I'm glad that Mr.
and
Mrs. Hart are both gone
, and I
don't
feel
bad
for feeling that way.  They
were both assholes
, and they were awful to be around.  Mr. Hart, or "Big Mike" as he insisted everyone call him, was a real
dick
.  He
wa
s always drugged
out and mean, and crazy angry.

I
didn't
trust him, and I hated the shady look that he would get when he looked at Dominique and Delilah
in the last year
.
I knew that look
all
too well
because
I've
been on the receiving end of it from my
own
father for as long as I can remember.

"Not so ugly
anymore," Mr. Hart would slur
when he looked at them
.
I knew he was a time bomb waiting to go off.

Damien and Dante hated
that look too.  They knew what it meant
,
even though
I
don't
think
their dad had
ever touched either one of them. 
We made a pact that
he
woul
d
have to get through us first, and we knew that meant we
'd
probably have to kill him if he tried.

E
ach night for over a year,
two of us at a time took turns sleeping on the floor in the twins
’
room
.
  We'd keep the door locked
,
with a dresser in front of
it
, and we always slept with knives with us for protection.  As long as we were alive, there was no way he was going to touch them.

When he overdosed, my first feeling was one of relief.
  The girls
are
safe with him gone.

***

Now
that Mrs. Hart's younger sister
,
Sandra
Thomas
,
i
s taking care of the Hart kids
,
things are much better.
She's
normal, not like how all our parents were.
She
insists
that I
call
her Aunt Sandra, just like the
boys
do. 
It's
weird
that someone
finally cares about all of us, tells
us
that
she
loves us.   Cares about what we do every day
,
and
asks questions.

She's a
great lady
, and she listens to what the kids say.
  Dante asked her to sell the house they grew up in, and she did.  I
was
scared
that they were going to move away, but all the kids begged her
to stay in this area, so she did.

Delilah smacked me when I said I was scared they were going to move away.
 
"No one's taking us away from you Spence, not ever.
You
know I
couldn't
live without you.
"

My dad
hasn't
been able to touch me for a few years
,
because
last year
,
when
I turned thirteen, I started working out every day,
getting ready to defend myself
.  The last time he came into my room
,
I attacked him, beating him so hard I hoped
he'd
die.
He didn't, but I got my point across.
He's
scared of me now, and I like that.  Someday… someday I'll be even bigger than I am now
,
and I'm going to destroy him.

Dante talked to
Aunt Sandra
,
and told her that he wanted me to move in with them. She came to me and
told
me she
would love it if
I could move in with the Harts, and I packed up my shit so fast
you'd
have thought there was a fire. 

Before I left, I corned my father in his office.  "Not so
big
now are
you
Hank
? I'm
out of here
you
pathetic piece of shit.  Two things; One,
you
write Sandra Thomas a
big
check
so that she can take care of me
.  Two,
you
stay away from me and anyone with the last name Hart or Thomas.  I will make
you
pay in ways you
don't
want to imagine if you cross me.
You
don't
want to give me a reason to blow that miserable excuse for a penis off
,
because I
will
do it.  I'm not afraid of
you
anymore
asshole
.  Do
you
understand me?"