Loving Her (15 page)

I woke up with what felt like a
bit of a hangover.  It wasn’t from drinking though.  I was exhausted and had a
terrible headache.  I had only had one drink on the beach the day before so I
couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.  I stayed in bed most of the day
trying to shake the awful churning in my gut and the intense pain in my side.    

I finally felt bad enough to text
the one person on the planet that cared more about himself than anyone
else….Jack.

I’d been gone now for two weeks
and over the course of the last week or so, Jack had been my only communication
to my life on the mainland.  He was an arrogant prick of a man and I was a
stubborn mule of a woman, so we actually were pretty compatible friends.  We
had pretty much discussed all there was to know about each other during my
hide-away and it was really good. We mostly texted, but I usually took a phone
call from him in the evenings after he left the office and we’d talk about
nonsense crap. 

I told him all about the stuff
with Rylan and he was actually incredibly empathetic.  He said no one at the
company knew about what he had gone through with Kristen and had he known, he
would have been nicer to him.  “Shit, girl.  That has to be some really heavy
stuff to deal with.  No wonder you ran.  A little time and space never hurts.” 
I appreciated his friendship.  I was very grateful to know this ‘Jack.’

So, when I called him while he
was at the office that morning instead of texting, he sounded a little
panicked.  “What’s wrong, girlie?  Why the call instead of text?”  I could hear
shuffling and a few voices in the background like he was on the move.  I was
hoping he wasn’t in a meeting, but was in so much pain that I didn’t really
give a shit.

I started crying.  “Jack…I need
help.”

“Sweet girl, tell me where you
are right fucking now!  I’ll come get you.   And what the hell is wrong?”   I
still hadn’t told him or anyone where I was hiding/vacationing.

“Jack, I don’t feel good. 
Something’s wrong.  Please come get me.”  I was still sobbing as the pain
ripped through me and I screamed into the phone.  I heard him gasp and then
mumble something.

“Tell me where you are, sweetie. 
I’ll come get you.”   He was trying to be calm.

“Fiji.  I’m in Fiji.  Hurry,
Jack.  I…”  I stopped talking as the pain rushed over my body.

I heard Jack say ‘fucking hell’
then “Jen, baby.  I’m on my way.  What hotel are you in?  Where exactly are
you, babe?”

I tried to tell him, but my head
started to swim and my vision was spotty.  “Jack….hurry…please.”  Black.

I heard voices calling my name. 
I tried to open my eyes, but couldn’t.  I felt light as air, like I was
floating.  Then, sharp horrendous pain stabbing at my side and my stomach turn
over.   I screamed…at least I think it was me who screamed.   I felt someone
squeeze my body and lean down to whisper in my ear. “I’m here sweet girl.  I’m
here.  Don’t worry.”  Jack.

Jack came to help me.  He was
here to help me.  Black consumed me again.

The next time my mind could
register anything was when I heard a series of beeping noises.  They were so
fast.  I heard a few people talking, but couldn’t make out who it was.  I
thought I lifted my arm to show everyone I was listening, but no one said
anything to me or even touched me.  I felt sad and could swear I was crying out
loud, but still no one responded to me.  Maybe I was dying or dead.  But why
was I in pain if I was dead?

I tried to move again.  I heard
what sounded like fighting…something like “back the fuck off, man.”  I couldn’t
be sure.  But, I think I started to cry more then I heard, “Shh.  Rest, sweet
girl.  We’re all here.  Rest.  Everything is okay.”  I heard the whisper in my
ear and slipped back into my darkness again. 

The next time I woke up or
thought I woke up, I could have sworn I heard Emily talking.  I think I smiled
and tried to reach out to her, but something was holding my hand down.  I
barely opened my eyes and saw an arm draped across my arm.  Whose arm was that?

“Em” My voice was gruff and
didn’t sound like me at all. 

“Shit!  Jen?  Can you hear
me baby?  Please wake up.”  Rylan?  Why was he here? 

“Rylan?”  I heard him gasp
then say, “go get the doctor.”

“Yes, baby.  I’m here.  Open
your eyes, baby.  Please.”

I thought my eyes were
open.  I strained to move, but felt my whole body ache.  I moaned and cried
out. 

“Shit!  Why is she still in
so much pain?”  I heard Rylan ask, but didn’t hear the answer.

“Jen, baby.  Open your eyes
and look at me please.”

“Ry.  I’m trying.”  I heard
lots of laughs. 

“Same stubborn woman, I
see.”  Now that was Jack.  Wow, Jack and Rylan in the same room with me. 
Bazaar.

I suddenly felt lots of
poking and prodding around my body.  I was like a limp noodle being tossed
around.  I moaned and screamed out more than once.  Why was I so sore?

“Miss Bailey?  Can you open
your eyes for me?”  Huh?

I slowly opened my eyes to a
really nice site.  There was a tall dark headed doctor looking me over, shining
a light into my eyes and checking out all kinds of crap attached to my arms. 

“Welcome back.  How do you
feel?”

“Like someone beat the crap
out of me,” I forced out.

“Yeah, that’s about what I
figured you would say.  You’re lucky to be alive, Miss Bailey.  Your appendix
ruptured in a foreign country and had your friend Jack not gotten to you when
he did, you wouldn’t be here to greet all these anxious faces.  You have been
in a semi coma for more than a week as the toxins worked through your body.  I
imagine you are sore from the emergency surgeries that were performed to save
your life.”

“Okay,” was all I could
say.  I looked around the room and saw everyone that meant the world to
me…except Rylan.  I could have sworn I heard his voice….that he was talking to
me.  I felt the tears spring into my eyes.  He wasn’t here.  He didn’t care.

“Miss Bailey. Talk to me. 
Are you in pain?”  The doctor was asking me, but he didn’t understand the kind
of pain I was in.

“Only a little,” I
answered.  What a fucking lie.  “I’m okay, doc.”

“Well, I’ll give you just a
small dose of pain killer.  I don’t want you to go back to sleep for a while.” 
He turned and walked out of the room.  Emily came to my side and tried to hug
me.

“Don’t you ever do that to
me again!  The next time you think about leaving on some stupid fucking pity
vacation, you WILL tell me where you are going.  Got it?”  Tears were streaming
down her face. 

“Got it.”  I looked around. 
“Em, was he here?”

“Rylan?  Yeah, he was here,
Jen.  But, as soon as the doctor came in, he left.  I don’t know why.  He just
walked out, babe.  I’m sorry.”

I tried to smile.  “It’s
okay.  I’m okay.  He has his own demons to deal with.  I don’t want to be one
of them.”  Emily just nodded.  She knew I was about to lose it.

Jack stepped forward. 
“Jack.  Thank you for coming to find me.  You saved me.”  I had tears running
down my face, but it was more for my sadness over Rylan than my near death experience….although
I really was happy to see Jack.

He leaned down and kissed my
forehead.  “Anytime, girl.  Really.  But, I died a thousand deaths when I found
you in Fiji.  Please don’t do that to me again.  Promise?”

“Promise.”  I smiled and
reached for his hand.  I didn’t say anything else and neither did he.  He
understood what I was feeling.  His sad smile told me that he knew I wasn’t
okay…not emotionally for sure.

“Okay, you sad bunch of
saps.  Let’s let our girl get some rest.”  Cale.  I forgot he was standing
there watching me. 

“Cale.”  I smiled and he leaned
down and kissed my cheek the whispered, “We love you, babe.  Don’t forget
that.”  He stood up and said, “See you in the morning.”

“Okay.”  I whispered.

As everyone filed out, Jack
lingered a bit then picked up my hand and kissed the back of it.  “I’m sorry. 
I don’t know what is in his head, but I’m here if you need to talk, Jen.  Get
some rest and call if you need me.”

As he turned to leave he said,
“Thank you for trusting me to save you.  It meant the world to me to know you
trusted me that much.  Night, sweet friend.”

I blew him a kiss then closed my
eyes and cried myself to sleep. 

The pain I felt when Jack came
into my office to say he was going to get Jen was excruciating.   She was in
Fiji, he told me and now needed his help because something was wrong.   She was
ill and had called
him
to rescue her.  He only told me because he needed
the company jet.

“Rylan, you may hate me right
now, but I’m the only person she is talking to after the hell of a realization
she was forced to come to a few weeks ago.  I’m not blaming you, just stating
the facts, man….I mean, shit….I hate how I’ve treated both of you so just
please, let me take the jet to get our girl.  There is something seriously
wrong with her and I’m freaking out.”

I immediately picked up the phone
and had the plane ready for Jack within the hour.  It made me sick that he was
going to get her and not me, but there was nothing I could do about it.  She
called him, not me.

“Jack.  Take care of her,
please.”

“I will.  And, Rylan?  She did
love you, man.  Probably still does.  I hope you guys work it out.”

My jaw nearly hit the floor at
Jack’s statement. First of all, she had talked to him about us…and about
Kristen.  And, secondly, she told Jack that she loved me?  What the hell?

I called Emily, then Mia and told
them what I knew.  Emily freaked out of course and yelled at me for letting
Jack take the jet to pick her up, then started sobbing.  Cale had to take the
phone and apologized for Emily before saying, “I hope you work things out man,
but I’ll say this….if you can’t love her for who
she
is, then leave her
the fuck alone.  She’s been through enough in her life.”

He hung up and I just sat there
rubbing my head.  I didn’t really care about any crap these people were
spouting at me.  What I cared about was that my girl was hurting and alone in
Fiji and Douchebag Jack was the hero going to get her.

I paced my office until I
couldn’t stand it anymore.  I was keeping track of the jet through company
people that knew how to do that shit, so I knew when they were about to land. 
Jack phoned from the plane and asked for me to have an ambulance waiting or
even life flight waiting when they landed.  I nearly collapsed.

What the hell was wrong with
her?  I needed to get to her.  I left the office and drove as fast as I could
to the hospital.

When I arrived at the hospital,
people were frantic.  I heard, ‘Toxic…near death….may not make it….emergency
surgery.’ Flashbacks of Kristen’s last days flooded my mind.  I wasn’t sure I
could handle another lost love.

Emily came up behind me and
hugged me.  “Don’t you worry about Jen.  She’s as stubborn as they come.  Come
on.  Let’s get some coffee.”  She had tears in her eyes, but was trying to
comfort me.

I smiled and let her lead me
away.  By the time Jen was out of surgery, I had been in the waiting room for
ten hours.  The nurses were just about sick of me checking on Jen every twenty
minutes.  At one point, they even started hiding from me…well, I was pretty
sure they were hiding.

I was exhausted.  When Jen was
finally in recovery and doing okay, my pulse slowed enough for me to take a
deep breath.  I wanted to see her, but didn’t push.  I let Emily and Cale go in
first.  Jack was there, but stayed quiet most of the night.  He looked as rough
as I did and I wondered what he really encountered when he found her. I’m sure
it scared him to death.  He kept disappearing for long stints while Jen was in
surgery and I was thankful. 

I peeked in to see Jen after
Emily had left her.  She was so beautiful.  That was the first time I’d really
looked at her since the night at the club.  She did look a lot like
Kristen…..physically, but she was not Kristen.  She was Jen and I could see the
clear differences and loved her for
her
.  Yes, I said love.  I was in love
with Jen.  I just didn’t know what I was going to do about it.

Thing went from okay to horrible
within a few hours.  Jen wouldn’t wake up after surgery.  She slipped into a
coma and doctors were frantically trying to pull her out. 

On day three in the hospital, the
doctors discovered an infection and had to wheel her back in for more surgery. 
It scared the hell out of all of us.  I could even see the fear in the doctor’s
eyes.  I’d only seen that look on a doctor’s face once….when Kristen was sick
and her doctor knew there was nothing else to save her.  I hated being there in
that fucking hospital and wanted to run, but I forced myself to stay and fight
through my panic.

When Jen finally opened her eyes
a bit and called my name, I was so relieved.  I talked to her for just a
bit…long enough for the doctor to come in and give us all a thumbs up that she
was going to be okay. 

And like the coward I was, I used
that as my cue to leave.  I didn’t think I could do it again.  The emotion of
watching someone you love suffer and knowing there was nothing you could do to
stop it was just too overwhelming for my already fragile heart.  I turned and
left as everyone was talking to her.

I sat in the parking lot of the
hospital and let the tears fall.  I had nearly lost Jen.  I couldn’t allow
myself to feel those heavy emotions again.  So, I drove home and didn’t look
back…like a fucking coward.

I tried to sleep, but I think my
body was just sick of sleeping.  I laid in my hospital bed and stared at the
ceiling.  I was all alone.  Jack had been a good friend over the last few weeks
and had even dropped everything to save me.  I’d never forget that. 

I missed Rylan, but he obviously
just wanted to check to see if I was alive and then move on with his life.  I
tried not to let the sickening thoughts poison my mind.  I had to let him go…for
both of us.

I closed my eyes and forced
myself to think about other things.  I didn’t hear my hospital door open, but
felt my bed dip slightly to the side.  When I opened my eyes, there was Jack….sitting
next to me and staring at my face.

“Hey there, girlie.  Doing okay?”

I started to cry and Jack said,
“I had a feeling I needed to come back and check on you.  Shh….don’t cry.  We
don’t want you popping those stitches.”  He reached up and ran his thumbs
across my wet cheeks.  “Has he come back?”

“No.  I don’t think he will.”  I
was sobbing.  “I know it’s for the best, but it just hurts like hell.  I’ll get
over it, I know I will.” 

“Who are you trying to
convince…me or you?”  Jack smiled a crooked smile and it made me feel a little
better.

“Jack, don’t you have some hot
woman to pursue tonight?”  I was glad he came back to check on me, but I was
certain he had other things to do.

“Yep.  And, right now, she is
laid up in a hospital bed, crying her eyes out for some other guy and all I can
do is just be her friend and try to tell her it’ll all be okay.” 

“Jack….”  I started to again. 
“Thank you….for saving me…for caring….for just being my friend.”

“Hey, what can I say?!?  You’re a
pretty amazing woman and I kinda like having you to talk to.  So, hurry up and
get better, ‘cause we are going out dancing as soon as you are well.  Maybe you
can help me pick up some other hottie that isn’t madly in love with another
man.”  He winked and leaned over to kiss my cheek. 

I wrapped my arms around his neck
and whispered, “Thank you, Jack.  I’ll never forget this…ever.”

He let me hug him and just cry
for several minutes.  I could feel myself getting sleepy and Jack must have
sensed it too.  He pulled back and said, “Hey.  Mind if I stay tonight?  That
really stiff armchair is just calling my name.” 

I let out a small laugh, then
grabbed my side.  “Shit, don’t make me laugh Jack Woods!”

He winced then grinned, “Yeah,
sorry.  So, you want me to stay?”

“You don’t have to, Jack.  I’ll
be okay…really.  Just promise you’ll come back tomorrow and see me, okay?”

“I don’t really want to leave you
here alone tonight.”  His face turned serious.

“Jack, what am I gonna do?  I’m
not going to run away, hell I can’t even get out of bed to pee.  I’ll be okay. 
Go.  Go home and get some rest.  I may need you sometime this week.”

“Oh yeah?  Well, I’d be happy to
help you anyway I can.  Okay...”  He walked to the edge of my bed near my head,
leaned down and kissed my forehead.  “…I’ll be back in the morning.  Sweet
dreams, Girlie.”

He turned to look at me one more
time before he walked out the door and gave me a wink.  Jack was turning out to
be a pretty incredible friend.  Who knew he had it in him?!?!

I was never one to avoid being
alone, but laying in the hospital all by myself was very depressing.  I would
never have admitted to Jack that I wanted him to stay.  He had already done so
much for me. 

I buzzed the nurse to ask for
more pain meds and Nurse Gretchen came in to check on me. 

“Tell me where you are most in
pain, Miss Bailey.”  I pointed to my side and she moved the sheet to take a
look.

“Okay, let me get you a little
something for the pain and to help you sleep.”

“Gretchen, do you know when I’ll
be able to go home?”

“Well, it will be at least a few
days.  We need to make sure you don’t have any setbacks from the two
surgeries.”

“Two?”

“Yes, two.  You had a major
infection after the first one that nearly took what life you had in you.”

“Oh. No one told me.”  I felt the
blood drain from my face.

“Well, you’re doing just fine
right now, so just rest and let us take care of you so that you can leave this
place as soon as possible, okay?”  She might have been a burly sort of gal, but
she was extremely kind.

“Okay.  Thank you, Gretchen.”

“You bet.  Now, I’ll be right
back with some meds.”  She smiled and walked out of my room.

I was grateful to have her
looking after me.  It made me think of my mom and how much I missed her.  She
would have been right here by my side, pushing me to get better.  The thought
made me smile. 

By the time Gretchen came back,
my pain was a bit worse, but she assured me that the IV medicine she was
injecting would help almost immediately.  I felt the slow build of the calming
effect of whatever it was she gave me within seconds. 

“Now, sleep.  I’ll check on you
in a few hours.”  She smiled and I closed my eyes.

I heard her loud voice as she walked
in the door….Em.  She was way too cheery for me.  “Wake up, Jen.  How you
feeling?”

“I felt better before you came
barging in here all loud and crazy.”

“Well, I have great news!  Your
doctor is going to let you come home with us later today, so suck it up
buttercup!  We are here to rescue you!”  I couldn’t help but to let out a
gentle laugh.

“Only you, Em, could convince a
doctor to release me into
your
care right after having two surgeries.” 
Her face looked a little shocked.

“Yes, I know about the second
surgery.  I’m sorry I scared everyone.”  My sadness returned thinking about how
this whole think must have been too raw for Rylan.

Emily sat on the edge of my bed
and grabbed my hand, “Well, you certainly freaked us out, but it wasn’t your
fault.”

We stared at each other for
several long seconds.  I held in my tears as best as I could.  Finally, I
asked, “So, when can I leave?”

Emily cleared her throat,
obviously as choked up as I was.  “Doc said maybe around four o’clock.  He
wants to run a few tests before he lets you leave.  Supposed to do them this
morning so the results will be back after lunch.”

“Okay.”  I was so completely
drained both physically and mentally.  I was really looking forward to being
with Emily and Cale and just letting them take care of me.  They were my
family, after all.

“Listen, I’m going to go to your
place and back up some stuff, grab your suitcase that Jack left there and we’ll
be back this afternoon, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.  Thanks, Em.”

Her smile fell just a bit.  “Of
course, babe.  We love you.”

“Love you too.”

Em and Cale left and I spent the
next several hours being wheeled around for different tests and made to get out
of bed to go to the bathroom on my own.  It was painful, but I did it.  My
doctor prescribed all kinds of meds for me to take over the next week and had
me make an appointment for a check-up in seven days.  I figured I’d be at Em’s
until then since I wasn’t able to work or drive until I was healed.

I tried not to think about Rylan
and the fact that he hadn’t tried to see me or contact me in any way since he
walked out of my room a few days before.  My heart ached to see him.  I hadn’t
actually looked him in the eyes in more than three weeks….since the night at
the club.  I missed him terribly, but there was nothing I could do about it.

The first few days with Emily
were really good.  After about four, I was restless and ready to go home.  She
was worse than a mom.  She smothered me with attention and I felt out of my
mind. 

Jack texted several times to
check on me and I vented my frustration to him about my temporary living
arrangement. 

Jack:

HAHA

Hang in there, Girlie.

You’ll be home soon.

Just so you know, this is

incredible entertainment for
me!

Jen:

Yeah, Yeah!  Laugh it up!

You’d go nuts being in my

shoes.

See ya!

Jack:

You’re exactly right!

By the way, I know you

probably don’t want to hear

this, but Rylan has been completely

miserable.  I think we both
know why.

Jen:

Don’t Jack.  I can’t.

Jack:

Okay.

I felt my whole stomach lurch.  I
just couldn’t go there with my heart and mind.  Rylan didn’t miss me.  He
wasn’t miserable because of me.  It was just the situation…who I reminded him
of.

I walked into Em’s living room
and announced, “I’m going home.  I need my own bed and my space.”  Emily
started to interrupt me, but I held up my hand and said, “No!  Please, Em. 
It’s not you guys.  You have been so incredible to me, but I just want to go
home.  I promise I’ll take care of myself and I’ll call if I need you guys. 
So, come help me pack and call me a cab.”

“Okay, Jen.  But, no cab.  Cale
can take you.”  She walked to me and hugged me.  “I get it.”

“Okay.”  I went to pack my things
and felt a sense of relief knowing I was going home and trying to find my
‘normal’ again. 

When I got home, I felt so much better. 
Well, until I looked around and saw reminders of the last time I’d been in my
living room.  I hadn’t slept at my house since Rylan and I made love the night
my world fell apart. 

I shook my head and went to my
room to unpack.  I moved really slowly as I sorted all my things and tried to
clean my house.  After a few hours, I was so exhausted and sore, that I took
some pain meds and laid on the couch to watch a movie.  I might have overdone
it a bit in my earnest to get back to normal.  Shit!

I dosed off staring at my boy
Markie Mark and slept for a few hours.  Around midnight, I woke up and tried to
get up to go to my room.  I was so sore, but managed to crawl in bed and cover
up.  I wanted another round of pain meds, but I couldn’t bring myself to get
back up.  I drifted off, trying not to move too much.

I was awakened by a sudden sound
in my room.  I couldn’t move.  There was no way my body could respond quickly
to anything.  I laid there terrified as someone sat on the edge of my bed.

“Jen?  Don’t be scared.  It’s
me.” 

I gasped.  “Ry?”

“Yes, baby.  It’s me.” 

I tried to turn over gracefully,
but the pain in my side prevented me from doing it without a moan.

“Oh, God.  Stop, Jen.  You’re
still in pain?”  He asked.

“Yeah, well I kinda overdid things
today.”

“Jen….”  His voice came out as
more of a reprimand.

I made a move to sit up and he
leaned down to stop me.  He cupped his hands around my cheeks, leaned his
forehead against mine and said, “I can’t baby.”

I felt tears…his tears dripping
from his eyes to my cheeks.  “Can’t what, Rylan?”   He leaned over and turned
on my bedside light and I saw his face.  He was a mess.

“I can’t stop loving you, baby. 
Please don’t ask me to stop, Jen.”  I gasped and started to cry.

I pushed his face back further to
look into his eyes, “Ry….I’m not her.  I can’t be her.”

“Baby…I know that.  You’ve never
been Kristen to me.  I never saw you as her….never, baby.  Please believe me.”

He was crying as much as I was. 
“Ry, tell me what you want.”

“I want you, Jen.  Just you.”  He
carefully curled into my side and wrapped me into his arms.  “I just want to be
with you, baby.”

“I want you too, Ry…so much, but
I just don’t know how this will all work.”  I couldn’t stop the tears.

“Baby, you have to understand
some things.  Are you ready to hear about her….about Kristen?”

I nodded my head, even though I
didn’t really know if I could handle it.

 “Are you sure, baby?  I don’t
want to hurt you.”

“Yes, I’m sure.  Please, Ry. 
Just tell me.  I need to know and you obviously need me to hear.”

“Baby, telling you is not going
to make me run.  I’m not so sure about you, but I’m here and I’m not going away.” 
I smiled slightly at his words.

“Okay.”  I was scared shitless
about what was coming.