Loving Her (16 page)

I laid in bed with Butch curled
up next to me, but couldn’t sleep.  I felt horrible.  She knew I was there in
the hospital with her. She talked to me.  But then I left…I abandoned her.  She
lying in that hospital bed all alone and the thought killed me.  But, I had to
get my head on straight before I could go back and talk to her and she needed
time to heal. 

I kept tabs on her through Emily
and Cale.  They had been so great to let me know how she was doing.  Hell, even
Jack was giving me updates.  I wanted her desperately, but I also needed time
to make sure I was with her for all the right reasons that had nothing to do
with Kristen. 

When Emily called to tell me Jen
insisted on going home and starting over, I lost it.  It was one thing to know
she was there with Emily and Cale, but a whole different issue to know she was
alone and I would have no way of knowing how she was doing. 

It was time.  I wanted her in my
life and needed her to understand who I was.  I called Emily and asked for a
key to Jen’s house.  If she wouldn’t let me in, I’d let myself in.  Yeah,
creepy, I know.  But, I needed Jen!

When I saw her there on the bed,
I knew I was doing the right thing.  I loved this woman.

She was so unsure about whether
she wanted to hear my story, but I pressed on.

“We’d only been married for six
months when she was diagnosed.  It was devastating to both of us, but we vowed
to do the treatments and get through it together.  I was so angry and felt
completely betrayed by God for sending me the love of my life only to get such a
short time with her.  I had to hide my anger most of the time because Kristen
had so much to deal with.”  I stopped talking and lifted my head to see Jen’s
face.  I needed to see if I should go on or stop altogether.   

She reached over and touched my
hand.  “Keep going, baby.”  She had tears rolling down her cheeks.

“She didn’t want to die,” I said
quietly.  I heard a small gasp from Jen.  “You know, people always say that a
person on their deathbed is at peace.  But, Kristen wasn’t.  She kept fighting
her ass off to stay here with me.  She didn’t want to die, babe.”  I felt the
tears start to make their way down my cheeks.

“It was awful.  I was helpless to
do anything to bring her peace.  I told her over and over how much I loved her
and would never forget her.  I held her for hours with her arms gripped around
me.  She had her hands fisted in my shirt, Jen.  She didn’t want to leave me.”

Jen was sobbing now and tried to
move closer to me to wrap her arms around me.  I helped her curl into my lap
and I held her as tight as I could without hurting her.  I felt like she might
evaporate if I didn’t. 

“I don’t know what to say, Ry.  I
hate that for both of you.  She loved you so very much and couldn’t stand the
thought of you being here without her.  I get that….I really do.”  She paused
then said, “My heart hurts for you.  I’m so sorry, baby.”  She leaned back
slightly and swiped her thumbs under my teary eyes, then kissed each lid.  “I’m
sorry,” she whispered as she caressed my face.

“I’ve never told anyone how
Kristen fought.  I never told her parents or mine all the times she cried in my
arms telling me she didn’t want to die.  They would never get over that.”  I
wasn’t really over it either.

“But, that left you to deal with
it by yourself?!  What did you tell them?”  Jen asked.

“I lied and told them that she
was at peace when she died.  I couldn’t tell them, Jen.  I just couldn’t.”  My
voice was almost a whisper. 

“I understand.  I probably would
have done the same thing.”  She whispered.

We sat quietly for a while as I
tried to gather my thoughts and rein in my emotions.  Anytime I let myself go
to those last days with Kristen, it felt like it was happening all over again
and I nearly couldn’t pull myself out of the despair.  I’d gotten used to
stopping the thoughts, but Jen had a right to know and so I had no choice but
to
feel
Kristen’s death consume me again….only this time I had Jen to
pull me back to life.

“I’m sorry for thinking you were
a big jerk when I first met you.  I knew you had some thick walls up for some
reason, but I never thought it was because of something so devastating.”  Jen
had a slight, sad smile on her face.

“I know.  I’ve spent the last
five years perfecting those walls.  I’ve struggled daily with moving on with my
life.  I know Kristen would want me to, at least I think she would want me to. 
But, it’s incredibly hard to find a place for someone in my life next to
Kristen’s memory.  I can never let her go, not ever, and for some people, that
might just be too much to live with.”  I stared at Jen, hoping like hell that
she would stay and make a life with me. 

Jen didn’t say anything.  She
just slowly raised her hands and cupped my face.  “You are such a good man,
Rylan.  I know why Kristen never wanted to leave you.  I can still see how much
you loved her in your eyes and the way you say her name.  I’m not sure anyone
will ever live up to her memory and I think that’s okay.  You shouldn’t have to
love her less to love someone else and let them love you back.”  She leaned in
and kissed my cheek and whispered, “You are such a good man.”

Her voice was calm, almost too
calm.  I didn’t know what she was going to do or say next. “Thank you for
telling me, Rylan.  I know it was hard for you and I hate to see the pain in
your eyes.”

I didn’t have a good feeling
about where the conversation was leading.  I pulled her close to me and held
her tight.  After a bit, she tried to move off me and stand.   I felt
panicked.  “Jen?”

She turned to look at me. 
“Yeah?”

“Where are you going?” 

She winced as she turned.  “I
just need a minute.”  She left the room and walked into the living room.  I
waited for a few minutes then went to look for her.  She wasn’t getting away
that easily.

When I found her, she was curled
up on the couch just staring at the wall.  I knelt in front of her. “Jen,
baby…talk to me.  Tell me what you’re thinking.”

I saw the tears when she looked
up at me.  “I don’t think I can do it, Ry.  I can’t walk away from you, baby. 
I know your heart still belongs to Kristen, but I can’t walk away from you.”

I wrapped my arms around my
beautiful girl.  “Oh, baby!  I’m so glad to hear that you want me too.  Yes, a
part of my heart will always belong to her, but I can love you too….and I do…so
very much.  I want to have a life with you, Jen.  You make me feel alive,
baby.  Stay with me, always…keep showing me how to smile.”

She leaned into me and kissed me
through her tears.  “I love you too, Ry.  My heart aches with how much I need
you in my life.”

“I know, baby.  I feel the same
way.  Forgive me for staying away these last weeks.  I needed to make sure…I
needed to make sure I loved you for you.  Jen, I am the man I want to be…the
man I’m supposed to be when I’m with you.  I’m not a great man and I’ll make
mistakes, but I will love you the way you deserve to be loved if you give me a
chance.”

Jen was staring into my eyes and
soaking in my words.  She stroked her hands along my cheeks and said, “Rylan, I
would never ask you to stop loving Kristen.  Never.  She is a part of you and
made you into this man kneeling in front of me.  If you help me…give me some
time, I can learn to love her too.  You don’t have to ever stop loving her to
love me.”

I stared at my girl, shocked and
so full of love.  I couldn’t believe the depth of love she had in her.  I
couldn’t help but to let my tears fall again.  She leaned into me, kissed my
wet cheeks and said, “I love you, Rylan Daniels” and I knew I was home.

The End

Eight Glorious Months Later….

“Em, you have to stop crying! 
Between you and Mia, I’m never going to make it through today. Please, for the
love of God girl, pull it together!”  My best friend was going to drive me
fucking crazy.

“I know,” she sniffed.  “Okay.  I
can totally do this!”  Yeah, right!

I held Emily’s hands and looked straight
at her and said, “I love you.  Now, let’s go do this thing, okay?”

Mia grabbed us both into a huge
group hug and we all laughed.  She was teary too.  I just shook my head at her
and smiled. 

The three of us walked out of the
bridal suite and down the hall, stopping just outside the huge double wooden
doors.  The girls flanked me and squeezed my hands, then kissed my cheeks and
walked one by one down the aisle as Cale stepped up next to me.

“Ready, baby girl?”  He whispered
into my ear.

“More than you know, Cale.”  I
smiled a huge smile and peaked down to where my beautiful man was standing,
waiting for me. 

What they didn’t know was that
this was all for them.  Rylan and I were already married.

********

Six Month Dating Anniversary…(rewind)

“Ry, where the hell are we
going?”  I sat blindfolded in his car as he drove us
somewhere. 
It had
been six months since our tearful ‘coming together’ and we were incredibly happy
and moving forward with our lives.  I repeatedly asked him questions about his
life before me; especially about Kristen.  It was painful sometimes, but she
wasn’t my enemy in any way.  What I felt for her was empathy and love.  I
understood what she felt for
our
Rylan.  It was like we were a team
taking care of him.  I even made a few trips to the cemetery to just to talk to
her.  Crazy, I know, but it always helped.  I needed to love her too.  Rylan
needed me to love her in order to accept all of him and that is what I wanted
to do.  I could see myself in her and couldn’t imagine having to say good-bye
to my beautiful man knowing I was leaving him behind all alone.

We were making our way.  I asked
him to go to therapy with me and he willingly went.  And, I could see the walls
slowly fall down around him.  It was the only way for us to move forward.  He
needed to heal and so did I.

“Shh.  You don’t get to ask
questions.”  Rylan was quite the dominant man when he wanted to be.  

“Rylan Daniels!  Where the hell
are we going?”  I tried, but all I heard was a gruff laugh.

“Please, woman!” Mmm….sexy!  
“Let me do this, okay?”  His voice softened as he gently stroked his hand up
and down my leg.

“Okay.”  He had me and he knew
it.

We drove in silence, except for
the soft music playing on the radio.  Yeah, I could have taken the blindfold
off, but I had to admit…it was sexy as hell and I was curious to see what he
had planned.

After several minutes and lots of
turns, Ry stopped the car, put it in park and sat quietly.  “Um, Ry baby, now
what?”

He pulled my hand to his mouth
and kissed it.  “Keep the blind fold on for a few more minutes, okay?  Let me
lead the way.”

God, he was killing me!  “Okay.”

As I was led out of the car, I
heard whispering, the smell of fuel, asphalt and jet engines.  Airport!

I smiled and said, “Airport.” 
Rylan leaned against me and kissed my lips. 

“Cheater.”  I could feel his
smile as he kissed me.

“Not me?!?!”  I laughed. 

He reached up and took off my
blindfold and I saw we were standing on the tarmac next to his company plane. 
“Ry?”

He grabbed me by the waist and
pulled me close to him.  “I wanted to take you somewhere special, baby.”

I ran my fingers through his hair
and pulled him to me so I could devour his mouth.

I took off running toward the
plane while he was distracted by my kiss. “Hey, that’s cheating!”  He yelled.

We raced to board the plane like
two crazed teenagers rushing for first car on a rollercoaster.  I thought I was
going to have to fight him for ‘first dibs’ through the door of the plane. Bastard.

We fell into the plane, laughing
and the attendant looked at us like we were nuts.  Truth be told, I did
everything in my power to force Rylan to just have fun and ‘live’ even if it
made us look like fools.

We settled into the flight,
curled up in each other, and I wondered what he had up his sleeve.

The feeling of the plane
descending woke me from my post sex sleep and I nudged Rylan to let him know
something was happening.  He just smiled and said, “Baby, they will let me know
when we get to our destination….trust me.”

I snuggled against him and asked,
“Where are we going?”  I hoped in his groggy state he would spill it.

“Oh, no!  You’ll never get it out
of me.”  Jackass.

I drifted off, wrapped in the
most glorious warmth in the world.  

The next time I woke up, Rylan
was completely dressed and smiling down at my naked body.  “Wake up, beautiful
girl.  We’re here.”

I jumped up, ran to the bathroom
and dressed as quickly as I could.  Rylan just smirked at me as I scrambled
around.

“Ry?  Where are we?” 

“Come on, baby.  I’ll show you.” 
My man was pretty incredible.

As soon as I stepped out of the
plane I knew where we were…..Fiji!  I gasped and Ry stepped up behind me, wrapping
his arms around my waist.  “I wanted this place to hold good memories for us,
baby.”  He gently turned me to face him and saw the tears streaming down my
face. 

“I love you, Jen.  We’re here
together this time, babe, and we’re going to make amazing new memories.”  He
leaned his forehead against mine and softly kissed my lips.

“Ry, I love you so much.  Thank
you for bringing us here.”

We barely made it to our room
fully clothed.  Rylan couldn’t have brought us to a better place to completely
heal the both of us.

We spent a week in paradise just
loving each other. 

Our last day in Fiji…..

She was the most beautiful woman
I’d ever seen.  She laid on the chair in her bikini, just soaking up the sun on
our private little beach.  I’d slipped out early to take care of last minute
things; I wanted this day to be as perfect as I had planned in my head.  Thankfully,
she didn’t question me.  She thought I was going out for a run.   

The moment she told me she loved
me, I knew I’d found my other half.  It had been a rough start for us, but in
time, we knew we belonged solely to each other and now I was going to make sure
it always stayed that way.

When I planned our Fiji trip, it
was all about healing the past and making it beautiful for the both of us.  It
took some money and a lot of secret phone calls, but this island was about to
be a lot more for Jen and me.

“Morning, baby.”  I kissed my
girl with everything in me and ran my hand under her sexy little top.  I
couldn’t help myself.  Then, I slipped into position, kneeling by her chair.  She
gasped at the loss of our connection.

I took her face in my hands and
said, “Do you know how beautiful you are?”  She just looked at me, her brows
furrowed with curiosity.  “I love you, Jennifer Marie Bailey!  I love you with
my entire being. You gave me back my life the moment I saw your sexy body
sitting at that table with me.  And, you awakened my soul the moment you looked
at me with your beautiful eyes.   Marry me, baby.  I’m yours forever.  Say
you’ll be mine.  Marry me.”

She sat still for a few seconds,
staring into my eyes and then, she threw herself at me, knocking us backwards
on the sand and said, “Yes, baby….I’ll be yours…I’ll marry you, Ry!  Oh my God,
I love you so much, baby!”  She was sobbing into my neck as we laid there
together on the beach.

I let out a huge sigh and she
looked up and let out a small laugh.  “Are you okay?”  We said it at the exact
same time and it made us both laugh.  We understood all the significance of the
moment and that it wasn’t just about us getting married.  It was so much more. 
I flipped us over so that I was laying on top of her and softly started
smothering her face and mouth with kisses as she did the same to me.

When we slowed and came up for
air, I showed her the ring.  “Oh my God, Rylan.  What the hell?!?!”  Yep, I figured
she didn’t think there was even a ring, let alone one the size I’d bought three
weeks before our trip.

“Baby, I’ve thought about this
for weeks.  I knew you were going to be my wife.”  I smirked and she smacked my
arm.

“Oh yeah, Sexy Britches?”  I
loved it when she called me that….as corny as it was.

I cupped her face and said,
“Yep!”  I pulled her closer until our noses were touching.  “I meant it when I
said you brought me back to life, baby.”

Jen slowly closed her eyes and I
could feel her lips start to tremble. “Ry, I love you so much, baby.  I’m
yours…forever.”

“I love you, too.  Forever.”

We married on the beach that very
night.  I’d planned it all right down to the jewelry she wore with her gorgeous
Vera Wang wedding dress.  She was completely stunned at how much I had done to
make our night happen.  Truthfully, I was a nervous wreck about everything, but
when I saw Jen’s beautiful face glowing with love and excitement, I knew it had
been worth every minute of anxiety.

 We decided to let the ceremony
in Fiji be our secret. It was a part of our healing and incredibly private to
us.  But, we agreed to plan another wedding for all our family and friends when
we got home.    

So, when I saw my girl walking
down the aisle toward me, I was relaxed and calm.  She was already mine.  This
was for everyone else. 

Jen…two months after Fiji
(At our
‘second’ wedding”)

I saw his face as I was walking
toward my husband.  We both had the whole ‘cat that ate the canary’ look, but
no one noticed. 

Rylan winked at me when I got
close to him and I nearly started laughing.  This was a game for us…just us and
I loved it.

After all the ‘I do’s’ and junk,
we all made our way to the reception and had a blast with all the people closest
to us. 

When it was time for our dance,
Ry whispered, “Funny how all these people are carrying on about us and they
don’t have a clue.”  I laughed thinking the same thing about him.

“I know, babe.  Can we leave
soon?  I need to get naked with my sexy husband.”  And, I had a little surprise
of my own for Mr. Rylan Daniels.

Ry pulled back to look at my
face.  “Um, hell yeah!”  He stared at me for a few seconds then said, “You
okay?  You look a little pale, babe.”

“Yes.   Just tired.”  I settled
my face into his neck, grinning.  I whispered, “Let’s go home, baby.”

Rylan grabbed me by the hand and
started pulling me through the crowded dance floor.

“I’m on it!  Don’t you worry!” 
He was so freakin’ cute!

After all the hugs and good-bye
kisses, we left, leaving Em and Cale is charge of shutting the place down.  The
party was still in full force when we climbed into the limo and drove away.

I snuggled up to Rylan feeling so
happy and complete.  I was excited to tell him what I had learned earlier in
the week.  I thought it would make the perfect ‘wedding’ present.

We had moved into Rylan’s house
after we got home from Fiji and sold my condo.  I loved the house and had
started to add all my own little female touches to it. 

Pulling into the drive, Rylan
stirred a bit to see if I was awake.  I leaned up and smiled, “Home?”

“Yeah, baby.  We’re home.”  His
eyes were full of absolute peace and I just melted. 

Rylan carried me over the
threshold, for the second time, making us laugh.  “We’re double married now, so
you’ll never be able to get rid of me.” 

I kissed him and said, “Same goes
for you, babe.”

When we were in our bedroom, I
made a slow production of removing my wedding dress as Rylan watched me from
our bed.  I crawled up to him and stopped just before reaching his face.

“Uh, a little further baby.  I
need a kiss.”  He was just adorable.

“Oh, you’ll get a kiss….but
first, I have a wedding present for you.”  I couldn’t stand not telling him.

“Present?  We’ve already done all
the presents, babe.  You told me not to get you anymore.”  He looked sad and
nervous.

“Well, this one came as a bit of
a surprise to me too.”  He was totally confused.

I reached around him and under my
pillow, pulling out the grainy black and white picture.  I sat up, straddling
him, still wearing my sexy white lace bra and panties.  I looked down at my
tummy and could see what, only a few weeks ago, I thought was a little pudge
from not working out much since my surgeries. 

I put the picture in front of him
and sat still waiting for his brain to compute what it was seeing.

It only took a few seconds.  He
sat up straight, grabbing me around the waist with one hand and snatching the
picture out of my hand with the other, as he let out a loud gasp.

“Jen, baby, please tell me this
is what I think it is?”  Rylan’s voice was dripping with emotion.

“Yes, Ry.  We’re having a baby.” 
I started crying.

He looked at me, then back at the
picture.  “A baby….”  His eyes filled with tears.  He laid the picture down and
kissed the tears falling down my cheeks.  “A baby.”

We just held each other for
several minutes while the emotions consumed us.  “Tell me, baby.”

I knew he wanted to hear the
story of how I found out. 

“I just found out on Monday.  You
know, I hadn’t had a period for months with all the medication and surgery
stuff.  So, when I went for my yearly checkup on Monday, my OBGYN asked if I
could be pregnant.  I didn’t think so, but he decided to check anyway.”  I
paused and felt the tears well up again.  “I’m already three months pregnant,
Ry.”