Loving My SECRET (Corrigan & Co. Book 10) (13 page)

I’m feeling a little
more alert as I slowly open my eyes to see a woman sitting in the
chair next to my bed. “Aqeelah?” I whisper.

“Hello, Matt,” she
says, taking my hand in hers.

“I’m glad they let
you in here,” I tell her as I squeeze her hand.

“Reina told them to
before she left.”

“You met her?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“She is even more
beautiful than you described. And strong. I could feel her strength
coming from inside, even as she was hurting. I saw her at the
wedding, of course, but it was different, more powerful, having her
right in front of me.”

“I hurt her. It was
me.”

“Yes. She does not
believe you love her, and that is one of the saddest things I have
ever heard in my life. I know you love her, Matt. I’ve seen your
eyes when you speak of her. I’ve heard your heart in your words.
That you have kept that from her, or hidden it behind the lies you’ve
told her, breaks my heart as well.”

“I didn’t think I
deserved her. I still don’t really believe that, but I want her too
much to let it hold me back now.”

“She will not come
back to you easily.”

“But she’s read the
emails. She knows I’ve always loved her, and that I’m sorry.”

“She read words you
wrote, yes, but she has never seen actions to back them up. Perhaps
you should read your emails. Look at them as if you were Reina,
reading those words you’ve always wanted to hear, but never have. I
think maybe then you will understand how those emails have caused her
even more pain.”

“I can’t lose her
again.”

“For once, that isn’t
your choice. You know I love you, and think of you like a younger
brother, but you also know that I have urged you to talk to Reina for
years. You made the choice to keep pushing her away, to let a mistake
you made over a decade ago keep you from the woman you love.”

“I don’t deserve
happiness, Aqeelah. I killed your husband. Sully and Nev had their
father taken from them because I wasn’t being as careful as I
should have been.”

“You were a young
soldier who was under attack. We will never know why my sweet husband
walked into the place. Perhaps he thought he could help, or tend to
the wounded. I will never know, and I accepted that years ago. It was
his time to die, and yes, the bullet came from your gun, but it was
not the murder you insist on calling it. It was an accident. A
mistake that any of the men with you could’ve made. I have told you
that, and so have my children. No one blames you. No one except for
yourself.”

“If I did nothing
wrong, the military would’ve let me tell the public.”

“Your military was
protecting itself from bad press. From headlines about the rich boy
killing a poor foreigner.”

“I was just a stupid
rich boy. Now a stupid rich man.”

“No. You are a man
who has more money than he’ll ever need, and so he gives it freely
to others. I know that we are not the only family you have helped. I
also know that in times of tragedy around the world, anonymous
donations are made by you to help the victims. You have perfected
your playboy persona for the rest of the world, but those of us who
know you are aware that it’s just an act.”

“Reina doesn’t know
that.”

“Because she doesn’t
know you. You have not allowed her to see who you really are, because
you were afraid she would then see your love, and fight for it. You
have hurt yourself almost as much as you have hurt her.”

“I think it’s too
late now. I’ve never seen her look at me the way she did when I
woke up.”

“She is going to
leave you,” Aqeelah agrees, nodding. “And you are going to have
to let her go, and not go after her.”

“I don’t know if I
can.”

“As I have said, my
dear friend, this time it is not your choice.”

* * *

Reina

I need my things. Not
all of them, but there are things I want to take with me. Clothing,
and a few pieces of jewelry. I could buy new things, but the comfort
of having at least a couple of my old things with me as I embark on
this new journey is too enticing to pass up. All I have to do is open
the door in front of me, and go inside. Simple, right?

Walking into the
apartment I’ve shared with Matt for the last year is anything but
simple. Our marriage may have been pretend, but when we were alone
inside, it felt real. I cooked him dinner, and sometimes he even
cooked for me. We made love in every room, and on every surface
available. He zipped up my dresses when I couldn’t reach, and
unzipped them when we got home. In this apartment, I felt wanted, and
sometimes even loved.

I have also felt
disgust and anger in this apartment. When Matt would insult me, or
make light of our marriage to his friends. When he would flirt
shamelessly with other women while I was there in the room, making it
seem harmless, because I
was
there. It wasn’t harmless. It was a way to keep me in my place. The
worst was when he stood against me in Cyndryann. I stayed with Darcy
for a couple of days, but then came home, and moved his clothes to
the guest room. Again.

The betrayal I felt
after that was worse than anything else I have ever encountered. I
put on a brave face, but I was dying inside. I thought it would be
over then. That we couldn’t come back, but we did. And then the
unthinkable happened. Matt finally told me he loved me, and wanted to
be with me for real. Right before he gave me our divorce papers. I
was so stupid, thinking he would really want to be with me again
after all these years. I won’t be stupid again.

I take a deep breath,
and open the door. Nothing is changed, but then I’ve only been gone
for less than a week. It seems like much longer with everything
that’s happened, but it was only a few days ago that I woke up
thinking my life was changing for the better. It didn’t then, but I
think it will now.

I walk past the comfy
couches and elaborate chandeliers that I helped Chloe Griffin pick
out for us. I wanted this place to truly be
ours
,
so I worked with her on everything. I didn’t just look at designs
like I had with my own Corrigan apartment, because I wanted to spend
my borrowed time with Matt in a place that we would both be
comfortable in. A place where I had personally picked every item of
furniture, and every knickknack, lighting fixture and piece of
artwork. We mixed things from Matt’s old place and mine, and merged
our styles together perfectly. I remember his jaw falling open when I
showed it to him. I was so proud of what we’d done, and when he
told me he loved everything, I pulled him on top of me on one of the
couches, and showed him just how comfortable they are.

Looking at it now, I
realize that it was too perfect. I was trying so hard to make it
ours, that it really isn’t. It’s a mix of our things, but it’s
not
us
. It’s the
“us” that we both wanted to show the world, both separately, and
together. But it’s not what I would have picked if we were just a
guy and a girl. We haven’t been that in a lot of years, and we
never will be again.

I give myself a mental
shake to remind me why I’m here. It’s not to reminisce about sex,
or lazy Sunday breakfasts. I’m here to gather my things, and go.
Well, get ready to go. I still need to talk to everyone, and then
talk to Matt. Or yell at Matt. I’m not sure I can be calm when I
see him. We’ve fought for years, but I’ve almost always been the
one to back down, to fall back into his arms. That won’t be
happening this time. There are things I hope will happen down the
road, and if I’m honest, some of what I hope for includes him, but
I’m not counting on it. Or on him, ever again. A person can only
take so much disappointment in their life, and I’m far past my
limit.

My closet is the one
room in the apartment that I didn’t pick for myself. Stella
insisted that each of us have a full room for our clothes. None are
as big and grand as hers, because some of us didn’t care all that
much about it, but we have one nonetheless. I grab one of my
suitcases from its designated spot, and start to fill it. I’m not
taking anything that has special meaning, or sentimental value;
although, truth be told, it all holds memories. Matt and I shared the
chores instead of hiring someone to do them for us. More often than
not, Matt was on laundry duty. Every piece of clothing I’ve worn in
the last year has been touched by him, in one way or another. I sink
down to the floor in the middle of the room, and let the tears come.
Again.

I’ve needed to cry so
much in the last day, and I have. I tried to get it all out when
Stella was gone yesterday, but I know she heard me last night. She
didn’t call me on it, but she did leave a pint of ice cream and a
spoon outside my door after knocking and telling me goodnight. I’ll
miss her, and all of my other friends so much, but I know I’m
making the right choice for me. I just don’t know how I’m going
to tell them that.

* * *

Matt

“Good afternoon,
Matt,” Kendrick says as he walks into my room the day after my talk
with Aqeelah.

“Are you moving me
today?” I ask, needing to get to his hospital wing, and see my wife
again.

“Yes. You have been
responding well to everything, and your wounds are healing nicely. We
can move you, but are you sure you want to?”

“Why wouldn’t I
want to move?”

“Reina is very angry
at you.”

“Yes, she is. Staying
here won’t make her less angry, though.”

“But it would prolong
your ‘talk’ would it not?”

“No, Kenny, it
wouldn’t. You asked for 48 hours, and she’ll be coming for me
after that, no matter where I am. At the Foundation, she won’t get
arrested when she goes off on me. So it’s obviously a better
option.”

“I feel like we
should have guards in the room.”

“No. It’s going to
be just me and her. When it’s over, we’ll pick up the pieces and
move on. We always do.”

“You know her better
than I do,” he says, shaking his head. “Honestly, despite all of
my medical and psychology classes, I cannot figure any of you out. I
just know you are all good people who make bad choices about where to
have sex.”

“There’s no bad
choice about where to have sex. It worries me that you even think
something as insane as that, Kenny. You’ve obviously been sheltered
your whole life, and we need to work on awakening the beast.”

“My…beast…is just
fine, thank you very much.”

“When was the last
time he came out to play?”

“How did my simple
visit to let you know about being moved turn into an awkward
conversation about my sex life?”

“That long, huh?”

“The nurses will be
in to prep you. Try not to make any of them faint today.”

“That was so not my
fault. I only smiled at her. And winked. I was just trying to be
friendly.”

“Well, don’t. That
poor girl has a large bump on the side of her head to go along with
the embarrassment she feels.”

“Should I send her
candy or something?”

“Goodness no. That
would just make it worse. Why would you send candy to a woman you
have no romantic interest in?”

I shrug. “I send the
Society girls chocolates after every mission. They know I don’t
wanna fuck them. Well, except for Reina, of course.”

“You really never
fail to surprise me.”

“Good. I like to keep
you on your toes, Kenny. And don’t worry, once I’m back to
normal, the guys and I will take you out and get you laid.”

“That is not
necessary,” he says through a clenched jaw.

“Oh, I’m ever more
sure it is right now than I was a few minutes ago. Your whole body
just clenched thinking about it. We need to loosen you up.”

“If I agree to going
out once with you and your friends, will you please stop talking?”

“Sure. I knew you’d
come around.”

“Keep telling
yourself that if it makes you feel better,” he says with a
completely deadpan look on his face.

“You just made a
joke. Brilliant, man, abso-fucking-lutely brilliant.”

“I have my moments.”

“Whoa. Another one.
You might just have some game, after all.”

“I told you I didn’t
need your help.”

“You dirty doctor,
you. You’ve been unleashing the beast all this time, while acting
like you’ve got a stick up your ass.”

“There has been no
unleashing for some time,” he admits, looking a little forlorn.
“But that doesn’t mean I don’t know how.”

“Fair enough.”

I hold my hand out for
a fist bump, and he rolls his eyes before bumping knuckles. Oh yeah,
I’m going to clear things up with Reina, and then have some fun
with Kendrick. The plans are all falling into place.

* * *

Reina

I just got word that
Matt’s being moved to the Foundation. It’s time for me to call
the meeting I need to have, but am dreading more than most anything
else I’ve ever had to do. I won’t leave without an explanation
this time. I can’t. My friends deserve better than that. I pick up
the phone, and call Ainsley.

“This is Ainsley
Martin, how may I help you?”

“It’s Reina.”

“A burner phone?
Really? Amateur hour, Rei.”

“It’s all I had
time to grab before I left.”

“If you had told me
you were leaving, I would’ve hooked you up.”

“I’m actually
calling because I need a hook-up right now.”

“Sure. Whatcha need?”

“A visitor’s pass
for the Foundation please.”

“You’re not a
visitor. Use your normal method of entry.”

“I deactivated
myself.”

“Duh. And I
reactivated everything I could without you being here. We’ll take
care of your arm when you come in.”

“Um…I need to talk
to everyone. Can you see when they’re free? Alex, too?”