Loving My SECRET (Corrigan & Co. Book 10) (11 page)

Always and
forever your husband in love,

Matt

* * *

Reina

I can’t take it
anymore. Any of it. For the past 24 hours, I have been reading these
emails. Flipping forward and back, over and over again. I’ve read
almost all of them, and I don’t want to read the rest. I know I
have to, because I’ll always wonder what was in them if I don’t,
but I honestly wish Aiden had never given me the note.

He thought he was doing
something good for me, but this isn’t good. Not at all. The emails
have made everything worse for me. Just the fact that Matt thought so
little of me is killing me. That first email, when he said why he
broke up with me? It broke my heart all over again. I hurt for him,
but I also hurt for me. How can he say he loves me, over and over
again, when he doesn’t trust me enough to love him back? Why would
he even be so in love with someone who obviously isn’t worthy of
his love?

I know that’s not
what he meant for me to feel, and it’s definitely not what Aiden
expected—which is why I’ll never tell him—but that’s what it
is. What it feels like. These fucking emails make me feel so small.
So small, and so completely not “enough.” Because if I was, he
would’ve trusted me with his secrets. He would’ve trusted that
I’d help him face his demons instead of running from them. But he
didn’t, and now I feel even more empty than I did when he
blindsided me with the divorce papers.

I want to yell at him,
and throw things. Break my computer, and beg him to tell me what I
ever did to give him such a low opinion of me. Since he hasn’t
woken up yet, all of that will have to wait. Yes, he’s alive, but
he hasn’t regained consciousness.

Kendrick and part of
his team were in the air before Matt was shot the first time, and
since no one had to hide any longer, they helicoptered in to the
village from the airport. Thank God Audrey decided she needed to send
him just in case, because there is no doubt in my mind that without
him, Matt would be dead. He brought all kinds of portable equipment
with him, and spent twelve hours removing every bullet while
repairing the nicked arteries and setting the broken bones. Matt’s
beautiful body will be covered in scars, but to me, they make him
even more beautiful. Now I just need him to wake up.

I close the laptop, and
stand up, stretching my tired muscles. We just got back to Vegas an
hour ago. I wanted Matt moved to the Society hospital wing, but
Kendrick insisted that he be taken to one of the public hospitals
instead. We have state of the art facilities, but while our staff is
amazing, they are also small. Kendrick keeps privileges at this
hospital just in case something too big for his staff to handle
should happen.

The problem with being
in this hospital, instead of our own, is visiting hours. Jane and
Maggie have donated enough money over the years to ensure some
special treatment, but not as much as we’d all like. Since Matt and
I are not formally divorced, I can stay overnight in his room
tonight. Jane can see him, and so can Miles. Our friends can’t and
that’s killing them. Especially Nate and Aiden. Those guys are just
as much brothers to him as Miles is, but without sharing the same
blood, they’re forced to stay in the waiting room. And I have no
doubt that they will stay right there until Matt wakes up. Just like
I’ll stay in this room, reading and crying.

“Mrs. Corrigan, would
you like to place your dinner order now?” a nurse asks me as she
enters the room.

“Thanks, but I’m
not hungry.” I’m not. I don’t even remember when I last ate,
but I don’t feel even an ounce of hunger.

“You need to eat. We
have no idea when your husband will be waking up, and you don’t
want to be in another room when that happens do you? Passed out
because you didn’t eat anything?”

In the guilt wars, this
nurse wins, hands down. “No. I want to be right here in the room
when my husband wakes up. Let me see the menu. And again, thank you.”

I place my order, and
watch as she checks Matt’s vitals. Kendrick is napping somewhere in
the hospital, and then he’ll be back to talk to me. There’s
nothing else anyone can do until Matt wakes up, and I know I should
sleep, too, but I can’t.

These damn emails are
just rattling around in my brain, making me sad and angry at the same
time. I mean, who wants to know that their engagement ring was bought
because your fiancé wanted you to hate it? Or that the man you love
hurt you with his words because he was so in love with you that he
didn’t know how to cope? That part’s just bullshit. Who does
that? Matthew Corrigan, that’s who.

The door opens again,
but this time it’s Miles who enters the room. I stand up and hug
him. “No change, huh?”

“No.”

“I know it’s a
stupid question, but how are you holding up?”

“Not well.”

“You can talk to me,
you know. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in here with him
after all that went down.”

“It’s been a hell
of a week, that’s for sure. I mean, getting served divorce papers
from the man I love, being kidnapped by a man I hate, and then having
the first man unexpectedly come to my rescue. Yeah, it’s all FUBAR
as Matt would say.”

“Aiden wanted me to
ask you about the emails. I don’t know what emails he’s talking
about, but it seemed pretty important to him that I check in with you
about them.”

“Your brother has
apparently been writing me daily emails since he broke up with me all
those years ago.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep.”

“What did he say? I
mean, shit, you don’t need to tell me, but I kinda want to know.”

“Most of them are
apologies for his behavior after a certain thing happened, plus the
explanation as to why he ended things. Oh, and every fucking email
ends with him telling me how much he loves me, and how he’s mine
forever.”

“Jesus.”

“No, Matt. Your
rat-bastard of a brother.”

“Can I ask you why he
broke up with you?”

“You can ask, but I
can’t tell you. I will say that he should have never broken up with
me because of it. It just goes to show how little he’s always
thought of me.”

“Little? There’s no
one my brother thinks more highly of than you. You should hear him at
our executive meetings. He always makes sure to mention how much of a
difference you’re making with the Foundation. And once when we were
out somewhere, a lady asked him if he was ‘Reina Corrigan’s
husband’ and I have never seen him smile brighter than when he told
her that yes, he was. I don’t know what went down, because everyone
had to leave for Mexico right away, but I’ll be talking to him when
he wakes up.”

“I had no idea that
he ever mentioned me to anyone else. Ever.”

“Because he’s an
idiot. He did go after you, Reina. And he let himself get shot. I
know my brother and there’s no way he would just stand there and
let someone shoot him.”

He deserves to know at
least this. “He was shooting the man who took me. He could’ve
easily killed him, but he was making him suffer first. Matt didn’t
take the kill shot until he had already been shot several times. I
took out those guys as fast as I could, but I should’ve been
faster.”

“Don’t do that. You
can’t think about being faster or better. Matt’s alive, and
you’re alive. That’s all that matters.”

“Thanks, Miles. I’m
glad I got to be your sister-in-law for the last year.”

“I have a feeling
you’re going to continue with that title for longer.”

“We signed divorce
papers.”

“Yeah, but that
doesn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, does
it?”

“Um, yes. Your
brother doesn’t want me. He came to Mexico because he felt
obligated.”

“You just told me he
said he loved you in all of those emails.”

“Words on paper don’t
mean anything. Actions mean something.”

“Well there you go.
By your logic, the divorce papers mean nothing, and him coming to
save you means everything. Think about it, Reina. Just promise you’ll
do that.”

“That’s all I’m
doing, Miles.”

“I’ll let you get
back to it. Gram will probably stop in soon.”

“Thanks Miles. For
telling me the things you did.”

“Did it make things
better?”

“No.” It made them
worse. Again. “But I needed to know.”

We hug and then he
leaves me alone. With my thoughts, and my anger. Sadness is still
there, but anger is the strongest emotion I’m feeling now. Matt
talked about me to people? Praised me even? How can I be happy about
that when he never said those things to me? He supported me, sure.
But never once did he tell me the things from the emails—that he
was proud of me, that he believed in me, and that he thought I was
doing a great job. Why couldn’t he tell me? And why does knowing he
felt that way make me feel even more betrayed?

Reina

I’m not done with the
emails. In fact, I haven’t even looked at another one since Miles
was here earlier. I just really can’t do it. I’m so drained, and
so done. I need Matt to wake up, and give me some answers. I thought
the divorce papers would be closure, but they’re not.

I pick at my dinner,
and just stare out the window at the lights of the city. This city
that I came to because I had blind faith in the woman who had saved
me once. I wasn’t lying when I told Mother that I had no faith left
in me. I’m lost right now, more lost than I’ve ever felt before.
There have been lows in my life. Being kidnapped and giving up the
convent all those years ago, losing Matt, not succeeding with
missions, and just the normal things that bring a person down. But
losing Matt a second time cut me off at the knees, and after reading
the emails, mentally standing back up seems too daunting of a
prospect.

I hear the door opening
again behind me, and I know it’s not the nurse. The smell of Yves
Saint Laurent Paris that proceeds her confirms it. “Hello, Jane. I
was wondering when you’d come to see me.”

“I came to check on
Matt. And yes, to see you.”

I don’t turn around.
I can’t. I forced her out of retirement, cost the Society at least
a million dollars to rescue me, and got her grandson shot up so badly
that he almost died. We’ve had our differences lately, and are not
as close as we once were, but I still feel ashamed for what I’ve
put her through. I saw her briefly when we arrived here, but we
haven’t been alone until now.

“I’m sorry,” I
tell her softly.

“I wish you had come
to me,” she says, moving in front of me to sit next to Matt.

She takes his hand in
hers, and kisses the back of it. Then she moves some of his hair off
his forehead. She closes her eyes, and lets out a weary sigh.

“I didn’t mean for
any of this to happen. I didn’t think he’d come after me. I was
hoping you’d save the convent, but I didn’t expect you to get to
me in time.”

“Why, Reina? Because
of what happened with Darcy? Do you think I would hold your animosity
against you and let you suffer?”

“I honestly didn’t
care.”

“Did you care that
you almost brought down an entire company, along with the Society? Or
have you forgotten that as long as there are two Corrigan men living,
they both need to be part of the company in order for it not to be
dissolved?”

Shit. I did forget. “I
forgot, but again, I didn’t expect him to come for me. He made me
sign divorce papers, so why would I think he cared?”

“He made you? My
grandson held a gun to your head and forced your signature on those
papers?”

“No. He didn’t hold
a gun to me, but he’d already signed. What was I supposed to do?”

“Fight for him. Fight
him
. You are so
strong in everything else, Reina. Why can’t you be strong with
Matt?”

“I don’t know. He’s
like my Kryptonite. When he’s near me, I just lose all of my
strength. I can argue with him, and tell him off. Even kick him out
of our bed, but I can’t make him choose me. He’ll never choose
me, and I just lied to you. I
do
know why.”

“Reina?”

“I’m not enough,
Jane. I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough,
compassionate enough, or really just ‘anything’ enough for him.
That’s why I don’t fight for him. Why fight a battle that I lost
years ago?”

“That’s not true.
Not at all,” Jane says, looking alarmed.

“When it comes to
him, it is. I have just never been enough for him. To him.”

“I don’t think
that’s true. Miles told me about the emails, and I think you’re
taking them the wrong way. He didn’t write them to hurt you, or
make you feel like ‘less.’ He wrote them because he was too
broken to tell you those things in person, but he needed to tell
you.”

“Then why not email
me for real? If he hadn’t almost died, I would’ve never even
known they existed. It honestly would have been better that way. He’s
already divorcing me.”

“Did he have an
explanation for that?”

“I didn’t read the
last ones,” I admit. “I can’t bear to know that he came for me
out of pity.”

“I don’t think
that’s what you’ll find.”

“We’ll just have to
disagree on this.”

“We disagree on quite
a bit, which is why it was more than a little shocking for you to
hand the Society back to me. Running is not your style.”

I was wondering when we
would get to this. “We’ve made our peace about what happened with
Darcy. I know we both have the same vision for the new Society.”

“Reina, you are
coming back, aren’t you?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“You must. Not just
because I was enjoying my retirement, but for the women sitting in
the waiting room out there.
You
are their leader.”