Loving Summer (Loving Summer Series) (14 page)

            Or maybe it’s just that
he
doesn’t want to be unhappy. Maybe by doing all this, he can take his mind off what’s happening with his mom and dad. Or maybe it’s even simpler than that. Maybe this is just Drew finally being himself without his brother and sister around. It’s hard to tell which answer is the right one, here. I know one thing it isn’t, though. It isn’t the thing I kind of fear it might be when Drew first starts being so nice. I’m worried that with Nat and Astor gone, he’s simply trying to make a move on me. Yet that’s one thing he doesn’t do. He doesn’t try to kiss me. Doesn’t try to pressure me into being his girlfriend, or into sleeping with him the way so many other girls have. He’s just
there
, as a friend, as someone who I can talk to, whom he can talk to, to hold hands and walk on the beach with, to run with, to sit together and watch the sun set. There are times when we go swimming, too. He wears swim trunks instead of his boxers like the first day, and it’s like we were ten years old again, splashing and chasing each other in the pool.  But when he catches me and holds me, all I can feel and think about is his warm skin against mine, and how when we look into each other’s eyes, we can’t seem to stop looking.

            The others aren’t there in the same way. They can’t be. Astor is still caught up in filming with Lindsay, and the next time I go out there, he has to re-shoot several scenes so that we don’t get to see as much of one another as I would like. At least one of those scenes involves kissing her. Even though it’s just acting, it’s hard watching the two of them like that. It’s even harder when Astor kisses me straight afterwards. It’s obviously intended to show me that it’s still me he cares about in real life, but it’s like I can taste Lindsay on his lips as we kiss. When I’m there, though, he goes out of his way to spend time with me, cuddling with me and holding me while we fall asleep on his bed, his fingers entwined in mine. It’s sweet, but at the same time, I can sense how much he wants to take our relationship further. I know he’s sincere, but the way the film is going and how he has to do intense intimate scenes now with Lindsay, I can’t help thinking if any of it is real.

            Rachel calls most days, but it’s more than a week before Nat calls me, phoning me one afternoon while I’m out on the beach.

            “Hi Summer,” he says, his voice deep, warm, and soft like velvet.

            “Nat.” I can’t help smiling at the sound of his voice. “It seems like forever since I last heard from you.”

            “I didn’t…” Nat pauses. “I wanted to be sure about what I was going to say before I said it. I wanted to concentrate on things here.”

            “How’s your mom?” I ask. That’s one thing Rachel hasn’t told me much about. She gets upset when it comes up, like it’s too hard for her. I’ve gotten into the habit of being a distraction from it all, talking about things that don’t matter.

            “She’s better than she was,” Nat says. “She’s out of the hospital, over the physical effects of the overdose. Now though… there’s still so much to deal with.”

            “Like the divorce,” I say.

            “No. Dad at least cares enough not to take advantage of this with the divorce proceedings,” Nat says. “He’s called a halt to them for now. What happens after that… well, I guess it’s up to Mom when she’s feeling well enough to deal with it.”

            “You’re making it sound like this is going to take a
long
time,” I reply.

            Nat sighs. “I think it probably will. Depression… it isn’t just what Dad did, Summer. My mother has been depressed most of her life, so dealing with this… I guess it won’t ever be over. Not really.”

            I can hear how saddened he is by that thought. He sounds like he’s still blaming himself for it. How many times can I tell Nat that it isn’t up to him? I don’t think he’ll believe it any more now than he did before he left.

            “Nat, the important thing is that you’re doing the best you can.”

            “It just doesn’t feel like it’s enough some days, you know?”

            I kind of do know. I know it every time I see Aunt Sookie looking a little tired or run down by her day. I know it every time she insists to keep on going despite that.

            “I’ve missed you,” Nat says softly like he’s hanging onto every word. The words come out of nowhere, catching me completely off guard. I guess I should have expected them somewhere, after everything we said to one another before he left, but they still take me by surprise.

            “I’ve missed you too,” I say. It’s the truth. I’ve thought about Nat just about every day since he’s left. Even on those days when I’ve been visiting Astor. I guess crushes that have lasted for years don’t go away that easily.

            “I wish you could have come up to San Francisco with me,” he says. His voice sounds raw, like he’s having a hard time saying it. There is so much emotion in it, so much meaning, I can feel it thick around me.  Then I remember how he broke my heart again that day, after that passionate  kiss, the kiss we’d been waiting all our lives to have.

            That makes me just a little angry. “I offered. You turned me down.”

            “I couldn’t…” Nat pauses. “I had to focus on Mom. But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.” He pauses and then he groans, and I imagine him running his hand through his messy copper hair. “Oh Summer.  Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I don’t care. I’ve been keeping this to myself for so long. I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about what could have happened after we kissed.”

            “So you’re suddenly saying that you want us to be together again?” I ask, still annoyed with him, even though there’s a part of me that is hoping more than anything that Nat will say yes.

            “I… I think the problems are still there,” Nat says. “I’m not coming back to Malibu, Summer. I’m going to stay in San Francisco and take a job with my father’s company. I’m going to be a part of it while I attend Stanford next year, while you’re going to be in Malibu with your aunt, and I know that you can’t run out on her at the moment. It can’t work, Summer.”

            “So you’ve raised my hopes again just so that you can squash them?” I demand.

            “No, it’s not like that,” Nat says. “I care about you, Summer. I really do. If I could think of a way to make this work, then I would. Please believe me. It’s just that I don’t think it
can
work right now between us. I’m sorry.”

            I bite back tears, feeling like I did three years ago the last time I saw him before his family moved. He made it seem like he would keep in touch with me, that he would try to come back to visit, if only he can find a way. He never did find his way back to Aunt Sookie’s until only this summer. “I’m sorry, too, Nat,” I say. “I’m sorry you don’t have the guts to go after what you want, even when what you want is there right in front of you.  I’m sorry you seem to want to protect me from those who you think will hurt me, when just by telling me you care for me, and then go around to tell me we can’t be together, you’ve hurt me more than anyone you’ve tried to protect me against.” I take a deep breath, and my tears flow freely now down my cheeks. “I’m sorry I ever had a crush on you.”

            He hangs up, and I only just stop myself from throwing the phone out into the surf. Yet again, it feels like Nat has trampled on my feelings, playing with me and never letting me get what I really want. Just one real acknowledgement that we could be together. I try wiping away my tears as I start to walk back towards the house.

            Drew meets me at the door, and when he sees the phone in my hand, and my cheeks, probably still wet from the few tears that escaped, he puts a hand on my shoulder.

            “Summer, what is it?”

            “Nat called,” I say, trying not to sound like it matters. I obviously don’t do it well.

            Drew’s face stills. “And let me guess, he pulled you around for a while before telling you that you couldn’t ever be together, but that he really cared about you anyway so that there might just be a chance.” Drew sounds even angrier than I am.

            “It doesn’t matter, Drew,” I say.

            He shakes his head. “It matters to me. If it weren’t for Nat, and that crush of yours that somehow manages to survive everything he does to you…” He sighs, pulling me into his broad chest to hold me, while gently stroking my back. “Summer, he’s my brother, and I love him, but he’s being such a…” Drew can’t finish, he’s so angry. “Come on. I guess we could both do with a run right now.”

            We run, just there and then as we are, not even bothering to get changed for it. I run without trying to pace myself, just running flat out up the beach with my hair streaming behind me. Drew runs like he’s chasing me, and together we sprint along the sand at the kind of speed we don’t normally go near in our more measured morning runs. It’s what I need after a call like that from Nat. Just something that can let me turn my frustration into something raw and physical. Something simple.

            I run until I’m almost ready to collapse, then sit on the sand. Drew is there beside me, breathing as heavily as I am, sucking air into his lungs in great heaves that match mine. He sits beside me there on the sand, looking out at the ocean. We don’t kiss. We certainly don’t do anything else. We don’t even speak right then, and I guess that we don’t need to. We just sit there inches from one another, together. After a minute or so Drew slides his hand into mine, but that’s it.

            We sit there staring out over the water until the sun starts to set. By that time, we’re both breathing normally, and the cooler evening air makes me wish that I’d taken the time to put on jogging gear before running. They’re such normal concerns that they hardly seem right then, but they’re reminders that we can’t sit there forever.

            Still, we manage a little while longer, and he covers me up with his sweatshirt, which he gently slips over me. The golden orange of the sun setting over the waters casts a glow on Drew’s smooth tanned skin and his handsome features. That’s when I realize how Drew really is beautiful, inside and out.

Chapter
17

Drew

S
itting next to Summer is hard. No, that isn’t right.
Just
sitting next to Summer is hard. It would be easy if I could reach out and crush her to me. It would be easy if I could kiss her, and hold her, and slide her down on the sand next to me…

            But I can’t. I have to sit there watching the ocean with her, aware of every breath she takes. Aware of the sexy sheen of sweat on her skin after that breakneck run, so that she seems to gleam in the fading sunlight. If she were any other girl, I wouldn’t hesitate, but she isn’t. She’s Summer. I love her more than any other girl I’ve ever met, and kissing her isn’t like kissing another girl. It isn’t casual. It means something. It means the world to me. That’s why I can’t do it.

            Part of the reason, anyway. I stand up, brushing sand from my jeans as I think about Nat. He’s my brother, and I love him, but what he’s doing to Summer isn’t right. He’s stringing her along, playing with her heart the way a cat plays with a piece of string, batting it this way and that until he gets bored. If he were here, I think I’d probably knock some sense into him for that. He can’t treat Summer like that.

            But he isn’t here, is he? He’s with Mom, doing the responsible thing. He and Rachel, so that I’m here with Summer and Sookie. I want to believe that I stayed because of Sookie, because she needs the extra help while she’s adjusting to her diabetes. Maybe it’s even true. There’s part of me though that keeps asking if that’s the real reason I stayed. Did I stay here rather than going to look after my own mother because I really wanted to help that much? Did I maybe do it because I was scared of going back to the house and seeing Mom or Dad, not knowing what to say to them?

            Or did I do it because I knew Summer would be here? Did I do it because her precious Astor is away, and I’d be alone in the house with her and Sookie? No. No, I won’t believe I did it just for that. I want her. I’ll admit that. I want her more than anything, but I didn’t just stay here to be with her. As if to prove it, I force myself to help Summer back to her feet, giving her the lightest of pecks on her cheek.

            “What was that for?” she asks, smiling.

            “It just seemed like the right thing to do,” I reply. “A bit like this run. Are you feeling better now?”

            She nods. “How is it that you always know what to do to cheer me up?”

            I shrug, not wanting to give her the real answer, which is simply that I love her. “I guess I just know you that well. Now, we should probably get back for dinner.”

            “Actually,” Summer says. “I’m taking one of the evening classes today. You know, for people who want to do them after work? I’m going to take it, and then drive back with Aunt Sookie, so can you maybe drive me over there?”

            “Okay,” I say. “Race you back to the house, then?”

            We run back, and Summer quickly showers and changes before we head out. It feels strange, driving her car with her as a passenger, because so far this summer, she’s mostly been the one driving me. It feels good to finally be in control.

            “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Drew,” Summer says as we pull up outside the school.

            “You’d probably just take the bus.”

            “No,” she replies, and when she reaches out to touch my arm, that contact is almost electric. “I mean it. With you staying here to help, even with everything that’s going on… not many people would have done that, Drew. I appreciate it.”

              I know she does, and her smile is beautiful, but right then, I wish that Summer “appreciated” things in the same way some of the girls I’ve been with this summer did. God knows how much I want her…so much that it hurts.  I wince at that thought. I want more than that with Summer, though. So much more, yet sometimes it’s hard to stop thinking the way I’m so used to thinking about girls. I know I can’t treat her like that.