Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (49 page)

‘Martha! Can we get an icepop?' Charlie looked up at me. He was about the same age as tha little boy, three years. But his face looked older, a bit like an old man's.

‘Yeah! If we find money, we will. Ye never know, we could be lucky.'

We stopped at the Five Lamps on the North Strand, an I waited fer a lull in the traffic te gallop across the road, screamin at Charlie not te let go of the pram. I was tryin te catch up wit Jackser an not get us all kilt at the same time. I dodged out in front of a horse an cart turnin from Portland Row, an it was a race te see which of us got te the middle of the road first. I did!

‘Whoa! Whoa!' the driver whipped the snortin horse te a standstill, the wheels of the front of the cart leavin the ground. ‘Ye fuckin little bastard, ye nearly got us all put under! I'll fuckin kill ye if I get me hands on ye. Wha did ye go an do tha fer?'

I flew wit the pram, an Charlie was squealin wit fright, grippin the pram te hang on te his life. I bounced the wheels onta the footpath an had a quick look back te see if the man was runnin after me. But he was too busy tryin te steady the horse an calm him down. I slowed down, an Charlie was as white as a sheet. Me heart was goin like the clappers, but I was more afraid of Jackser than I was of the road. I didn't want te lag behind him an drive him mad. Teddy thought tha run was great gas, an he was hoppin up an down fer more, so I shook the pram, an he roared laughin.

We got te the top of Portland Row, an Jackser told me te wait. We were standin on the hill outside the Old Maids' Home. ‘I'm just goin over here!' he said, pointin te the Sunset House pub. ‘I won't be long,' an he rushed across the road. I stood against the railins of the Old Maids' Home an waited. I was lookin at the name, Sunset House, an thinkin, in the cowboy fillums the two cowboys say te each other, ‘We'll have a showdown at sunset!' An they arrive in the middle of the street at sunset wit their spurs clankin an their boots kickin up the dust, an shoot each other. An only one walks away. The other one gets carried in a box te be buried at Boot Hill. I wondered what it must be like te think ye're goin te die at sunset. I wouldn't like te die. I want te grow up an be a fillum star.

Jackser appeared outa the pub. ‘Yer mammy's gorra new babby. It's a boy! I'm just goin in fer a quick drink! I won't be long.' I was happy, not about the new babby but cos me ma would be home soon.

The babby was whingin wit the hunger, an we were sittin on the steps rockin the pram, tryin te get him te go te sleep. It was quiet again. The workers on their bicycles were long gone back te work after their dinner break. I looked up an down the road, fed up there was nothin happenin. No one had passed fer a long time. The childre should be home from school soon, so we'll be able te watch them play.

A young one about me own age came flyin down the hill wit a bicycle wheel an a stick. She was doin great, keepin the wheel straight, tappin it wit the stick an runnin fast beside it. I jumped up. ‘Hey, young one! Give us a go of yer hoop, will ya?' She stopped an turned the hoop aroun, eyein me.

‘Wha have ye got te give us?'

We sized each other up, makin sure we were on safe ground. She worried I might rob her hoop an me wonderin if we'd be all right together. I didn't want any trouble. She had sores all over her face, an her hair was matted. She'd no shoes on her feet, an her big toe was swollen an purple. But tha didn't stop her runnin, even if she was limpin.

‘Are ye waitin fer yer ma?'

‘No, she's in hospital. She gorra new babby.'

The young one sat down beside me.

‘Tha aul fella is in the pub.'

‘Who? Yer da?'

‘No, he's not me da, only his!' an I pointed te the babby, who was starin outa his pram, takin in everythin, forgettin te cry.

‘I live wit me granny aroun the corner on Summerhill.'

‘Where's yer mammy?'

‘Ah, I'm not bothered. Me granny says she's no good. She was out on the town, pickin up sailors. An now she's a drunkard, livin on the streets. Me granny drinks, too, though. So when she's not in the pub, she's sleepin in the bed. So I can do what I like.'

I looked at her wit me mouth open. ‘Ye're so lucky, I wish I was you. An do ye have any brothers an sisters?'

‘No. Me granny says me ma had a black one, it was black as the pot! An she says, “Ye're not takin tha home! Ye can get rid of it. I'm not takin care of any more of yer leavins. An don't darken me door again.” An wit tha she marched outa the hospital. I was only little at the time, so I don't remember wha she looks like. But me granny tells me these things when she's drunk. I'd better go, me granny sent me fer a message. I have te go all the way up te Ballybough. An tha was ages ago. She'll kill me! See ya!' An she jumped up an hopped off down the hill, smackin her hoop.

I walked up an down pushin the pram, leavin Charlie sleepin on the steps wit his head against the railins. The babby wouldn't stop sobbin. He was exhausted an soakin wet an starved wit the hunger. The mammies had called the childre in fer their tea long ago. If only I could go home. But tha bastard would kill me. I wish he was mashed under a lorry. Why does me ma have te have more babbies? Why is she not like other mammies an make herself busy lookin after us? I hate havin te mind her. I felt like openin me mouth an runnin down the hill, cryin, I want a mammy! Get me a mammy! I'm lost, I'm on me own. Somebody mind me! Lock up Jackser, an put me fuckin ma in a home. That'll teach her. But I kept quiet. I have te wait until I'm big meself, then I'll be somebody, no one will look down on me.

I heard a door slam from aroun the corner. It sounded like the pub. Then shouts. Jackser came reelin aroun the corner, hangin on te the neck of another fella. ‘Come on, come on! Ye're comin wit me!' Jackser was sayin. ‘Ye'll be all right!'

They lurched across the road, right in front of a bicycle. The bike swerved, an the man landed on the footpath. ‘Drunken bastards!' the man roared.

‘An fuck you, too,' Jackser roared back, wavin his fist.

I rushed over te Charlie an grabbed him off the steps. ‘Get up quick! He's here. Let's get movin fast, before he starts.' I put his hand on the handlebar of the pram, took off the brake an started movin ahead slowly.

‘Look, Moocher! This is me son.' I stopped an Moocher looked at the pram.

‘Yeah! He's grand, God bless him, the spittin image of ye!'

Jackser leaned inta the pram an pinched the babby's cheek. The babby screamed wit fright, an Jackser couldn't get himself back up. I put the brake on, an he was hurtin the babby wit his elbow. I tried te get him off, an Moocher dragged him up. ‘Ah! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I wouldn't hurt me son fer the world,' he said te Moocher, wipin his long dribbles. ‘I'd give me life fer him an me new son! I'm goin te straighten meself out. Nothin will be too good fer them, wait an see,' an then he started cryin. ‘I'd give me life, honest te God I would. There'll be no better man. I'm goin te see te tha. Mark me words, Moocher!'

Moocher was agreein wit everythin. An smilin an lookin me up an down. I didn't like tha look in his eyes. He looked at me like I was a woman or somethin. No! I don't like him.

I started te move home, leavin Jackser an Moocher staggerin behind me. I looked back, an they were stopped. Jackser was cryin again. ‘Ye're grand! Ye're grand! Ye're sound as a pound!' Moocher was sayin an pattin him on the back. Jackser was wipin his snots wit the sleeve of his coat an long spits comin outa his mouth.

‘I'm not tellin ye a word of a lie,' Jackser was whingin. I moved off, hurryin on now. It was dark, an the babby'd get pneumonia from this night air. Charlie kept whinin wit the tiredness. Let us get te bed, God. Just let us get te bed. Tha's all I ask!

I put the babby inta his cot an gave him his bottle of tea an a bit of bread, an I took off Charlie's shoes an trousers an put him inta bed. ‘Don't go asleep. I'm bringin ye a sup of tea. Mind tha jam jar, it's hot. Here's yer bread.'

‘Mrs, would ye ever get a plate an put out me fuckin chips! They're gone cold. Fer the love of Jaysus, do I have te do it meself?'

‘OK, Jackser! I'm runnin te do tha now!'

I rushed inta the scullery an opened the two bags of chips an put them on the two dinner plates we had. I put a few aside fer Charlie an the babby, an pushed two inta me mouth. Then I rushed back in an handed Moocher an Jackser their chips. Jackser grabbed the plate an shovelled a fistful of chips inta his snotty mouth. Moocher laughed an said, ‘By God, I could do wit someone like you! How old are ye now?'

‘Eight. I'm eight years old.'

‘Ah, it won't be long till ye're out workin.'

I ignored him an went back inta the scullery an brought the few chips I'd left te the babby, who threw his empty bottle over the cot. An I managed te catch it before it broke. I took the empty jam jar from Charlie an gave him the rest of the chips. Then I went back inta the scullery an ate me bread an tea. The tea was cold, an there was no margarine left. An we'd have no bread or milk fer the mornin. Them two ate the lot. I put the babby down an covered him up. He went out like a light. Charlie covered himself up an was noddin off, too.

I hesimitated fer a minute, wonderin if I should go te bed wit them two still sittin there. ‘Do ye want te go te bed, Jackser? I should put the light out! It's very late now,' I said quietly.

‘Wha? Wha?' Jackser muttered. He'd been dozin in the chair. An Moocher was followin me every movement wit his sly eyes.

‘Come an sit on me lap!' Moocher said, smackin his knees. I backed away, headin towards me bed. But Moocher was outa the chair an liftin me on te his lap. I tried te wriggle free, but me frock was caught up aroun me, an I was wearin no knickers or a vest.

‘No! Let me down,' I cried. ‘I want te get down.' He was laughin an grabbin me arms an pinnin them down by me side. An pressin me hard down inta his lap.

‘Be the holy!' Jackser snuffled an laughed. ‘She's a fighter!' He kept lookin, an touchin himself, an lookin aroun, an back, snufflin, an givin a laugh. An he looked like he was enjoyin himself. Then he got up an shuffled off te the scullery, mutterin, ‘I'll just get a sup of tea.'

Moocher pulled up me frock an jammed his hand between me legs, pullin an draggin at me, an rockin me very hard on his lap. He was red in the face an breathin very heavily. ‘Stay quiet! Be still! It won't hurt.'

I arched me back an straightened me legs an slid off his lap. He grabbed me by me hair an yanked me back on te his lap. ‘I'll fuckin burst ye!' he said inta me face, wit his eyes bulgin an his teeth gritted. ‘Now stay quiet an do as ye're told!'

I couldn't understand why Jackser was lettin him get away wit this. Me heart was hammerin in me chest, an I knew this man would hurt me badly if I didn't stay quiet. He opened his trousers, an a horrible hairy long wet thing slid out. ‘Here, pull this!' he said.

I looked away, it was smelly an dirty. He kept pullin at it an rubbin his fist between me legs. Jackser stayed in the scullery. An somethin came pourin outa the thing between his legs, an he pushed me belly down on top of it an nearly smothered me head in his coat. Then he lifted me off him an buttoned his trousers up. I was covered in the smelly sticky stuff an tried te clean meself wit me frock. But the frock was soakin wet, an I was wet all over. Me neck was very sore, cos he'd put his arm aroun me, nearly chokin me. It hurt between me legs, an I felt I'd been put through a mangle. I didn't know wha te do next.

I went te the bed, te climb in beside Charlie. An I heard Jackser an Moocher whisperin an laughin. When I looked towards the scullery, Moocher was givin Jackser money. ‘Here's five bob. Tha should see ye straight.'

‘Ah, thanks fer tha,' Jackser said. ‘Do ye want a cup of tea before ye go?'

‘No, ye're all right,' Moocher said.

‘I'll be seein ye so,' Jackser said. An I jumped inta bed, coverin me head wit the blanket an coats. Jackser came in snufflin. ‘Ah, ye know wha? I miss poor Sally. Where are ye? Get out here, I want te talk te ye.' Me heart hammered through me, an I leapt outa the bed.

‘Get in there an sleep beside me! Ye can keep me company until Sally gets home.'

I stood there not takin in wha he was sayin. ‘Get in, fer fuck's sake, will ye!' I crawled inta the bed an lay at the very edge an rolled meself inta a tight ball. Jackser climbed inta the bed, an I held meself very still, afraid te breathe. He grabbed me arm an spun me aroun. ‘Wha's this? Get tha fuckin thing offa ye.' An he bounced me up te sit me an tore the frock over me head. Then he pushed me down an started maulin me. I went very stiff, tryin te ease the pain, cos he was hurtin me all over. ‘Jaysus, there isn't a pick on ye, ye're like chicken bones. Here, pull tha!'

No! No more, I thought. ‘Can I not go back te me bed? Please, Jackser, I'm tired.'

‘Stay fuckin quiet. Wha's wrong wit ye? Yer mammy loves this.' An then he climbed on top of me. Me head was suffocatin under his chest, an tha hard thing was pressin inta me stomach an hurtin me between me legs an me bones. An he was rockin like mad an snortin, an the filthy smell. An I knew this was hell. I shouldn't have been bold an cursin an fightin an callin people names. If I'd been good, I would have had a bit of peace like other childre.

‘Let me up! I'm smotherin!' I tried te move me head, but I was caught under him. I'm drownin. Jackser was snortin louder, rockin himself like mad, an he covered me face even tighter. I was goin te die, lights was flashin on an off in me head. An then it started te go dark. I felt somethin hot spillin over me, then Jackser rolled away. It stopped! It stopped! I'm covered in tha smelly stuff an I can't move meself. I can't straighten me legs. How can I get away from this bed?

Jackser started laughin. ‘Jaysus, tha was good! Did ye enjoy tha? Whatever ye do, don't say anythin te yer mammy! She will get mad jealous an think I like ye more than her. Go on, get back te yer bed. An remember what I said. Say nothin te nobody or ye won't live very long! I don't make idle threats, ye should know tha!'