Mad Worlds Collide (23 page)

Invisible to the Earthly radar and telescopes, the Zok planet came in using a planetary cloaking device. Secrecy helped the Zoks win many wars. (Someone always won, and since Zoks fought Zoks, Zoks always won.) The Earthlings weren’t expected to put up much of a fight but the Zoks trusted no one, especially themselves.

To circle a star became increasingly important, even necessary for survival. The reserves of Uranium and other combustible materials were in short supply on planet Zok. The Zoks traveled through in the Milky Way through a barren track on the edge of the Galaxy. How humans could do business in this part of the Galaxy made no sense to the Zoks. Travelling in space is very cold, even for a Zok. As soon as planet Zok made it near Jupiter the Zoks planned a gravity whip maneuver to push the Zok world into a stable orbit around the Sun, or so they thought.

Zok Planetary Commander Biknot took full responsibility for the large job of moving the planet into BrightLight orbit.  For those unfamiliar of such a big job, Biknot was more than happy to explain his very important responsibilities, written for him by his press secretary. Biknot would explain to other cloned minds the following:

"You see, moving a planet requires great amounts of energy.  I’m in control of that energy."

When asked how one turned a planet, he teletransferred another piece of paper written by his secretary: "I am having all our Zok engineers point our nuclear reactor thrusters in the appropriate direction to give the exact amount of thrust to push us in the correct path. A planet is a hard thing to turn, and once turned, there is no stopping. We must calculate this very carefully—and we have done exactly that.

No questions on the reactors please, confidential for military reasons."

The formula used by the Zok engineers is something known by every Zok clone that studied rock physics. The theory was discovered by a Zok over 100,000 years before when a non-clone, a "natural" Zok, had his head hit by a stone thrown by another Zok in what was known as a "stoning". The concept was called Stone Mass. Along with Stone Mass came other formulas such as Stone Speed, Stone Gravity and what not. A planet was just a big stone so if you could calculate how to throw stones, you could calculate missiles, satellites and even planets.  Or so went the Zok theory. 

Biknot continued his lecture reading: "Our engineers calculate that we have the right amount of energy to get just the right Stone Velocity. This will be achieved with a blast equal to the Stone Force of a billion thermonuclear blasts and we will swing Planet Zok around Jupiter picking up energy from Jupiter and be Stone Thrusted into an orbit 5 million miles from the Earth orbit, between Earth and Mars circling BrightLight.  No questions on thrusters please, confidential for military reasons."

Biknot did not know about the Devils Triangle between the Earth and Mars, an area that had wiped out more satellites and planets than man could recall. The asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter had resulted from an attempt by another species millions of years before to do the same thing.

Something or someone had put a jinx on the Devil’s Triangle but no one told the Zoks. Even the humans didn’t know. They were not moving planets yet.

On the day after the big Stone Thrust celebration Biknot met with his engineers.

"What do you mean we overshot the reactors?" asked Commander Biknot.

"Sir, we used the original Stone Mass of our planet from 5,000 years ago in our calculation. Over the last 5,000 years the military burned up 10% of the planet and did not tell anyone. Our Stone Mass is less, Sir, someone put in the old numbers."  The engineer folded his tentacle arms behind his back and grabbed his behind.

Biknot, although a smart clone, had focused his life on the military, so Stone Mass did not mean much to him.

"Yeah, so?  Explain," said Biknot.

"Well, Sir, we should have burned less fuel.  We burned up all the fuel trying what we
thought
was the right Stone Velocity."

"Yeah, continue," said Biknot chewing his large yellow tongue.

"Well, we have a situation.  We will overshoot our orbit"

"We will not make Stone orbit?"

"No sir."

"Well why don’t we just fire them up again?"

"Like I said, Sir, we burned up all our fuel."

"Well, go out and get some more fuel!" Biknot hated the engineers.

"We need 400 billion tons of plutonium sir.  Even if we could find it, we’ve already used our ship’s fuel too."

"Stale Kripits!!"

"We have another problem, Sir"

"What’s that?"

"Our new trajectory puts us on a direct path with the BrightLight"

"What?

"We’re going to burn up in four days."

"I see, not a pleasant situation is it… burning up?"

"No sir."

"We’ll have to do something about that…hmmmm"

Commander Biknot ordered the immediate extermination of fifty of the engineers, and went back to his command center to prepare a discussion of the situation with the new Zok Emperor, Zord-575.

Biknot entered Emperor Zok Lord’s main residence fearless, as fear was not part of the Zok military command. The Zoks military waged war for thousands of years with most emotions wiped from their brainstems.  Except for an occasional giggle from defective clones, feelings were hard to find.

Biknot entered the building oddly placed on top of an inactive volcano. The building was partly carved out of cooled lava. Hardened black and green lava circled the residence, evidence of an eruption three hundred and fifty years before. That one had wiped out a Zok city in a fireworks display. The current Zok Lord, called Zord, insisted on having his home on top this mountain, ignoring minor tremors. Scientists had calculated that every three to four hundred years the Volcano would erupt, killing anyone in the building and surrounding areas. This information did not concern the Zok Emperor; it actually excited him.

The building looked like St. Patrick’s Cathedral, but was built of a shiny green and white marble, with a large glass semi-dome top in the center for viewing the stars. Most Zoks would not use anything as extravagant as the Zok Emperor’s home. The clones did not have such rich taste. Zok Emperors were created through actual sex. This had become difficult, as the gene pool narrowed. Most Zoks were cloned. With their equipment broken, the population was in rapid decline. The Zok world needed new juice, and Biknot promised Zord that the Earth would provide that juice.

Biknot, as the Planetary Commander in charge of the complete Zok Military, worked directly with the Zok Emperor, Zok Lord, or ‘Zord’.  All Emperors on planet Zok received this title regardless of their previous name. The current Zord was number 575.

Zord could see that Biknot was unhappy as he entered the Emperor’s chambers. Zord looked almost human except for extra long arms, hands with six fingers and small suction cups at the end of the finger tips for easy clasping of objects. The rear ends and heads of the Zoks were a little larger than those of humans.  Zok Emperors all had large blue eyes with a red ring around the pupils. The eyes and large yellow tongue were the most striking feature of the Emperor’s make-up. Zord sat in a long reclining chair listening to music. Emperors had both telepathy and sound hearing. Zord loved looking up at the sky, lackadaisically daydreaming about things that, if known to Biknot, would cause a rebellion. Zord covered his thoughts and communicated with Biknot via speech.

"Are you Ok?" asked Zord.

"Not really my Zord," said Biknot, standing at attention.

"Why? Aren’t we on schedule to swing around Jupiter?"

"Yes we are my Zord."

"Well that should be good news. We’ll then get closer to BrightLight."

"That we will my Zord, that we will."

"Well you don’t sound happy. What’s the matter?" Zord got out of his chair and used his long arm to scratch his large behind, a favorite Zord maneuver. The other long arm reached out and picked up a glass of Slok, a Zok drink used to deaden the rear end senses and upper brain stress areas all in one chug. Zoks never understood why Slok worked on both areas but it was like a gift from heaven to have two wonderful effects in one drink.

"Would you like some Slok?" asked Zord.

"No thanks, my Zord."

"Suit yourself," Zord drank the gallon of Slok in one healthy chug.

Zord burped. "Excuse me."

Zord then wiped his mouth with a red cloth. He looked at his large yellow tongue in a nearby mirror, checking to see that the color was sharp
.
Might need a tongue cleaning,he thought to himself.

"And this really smart computer and ape gene pool. Are we not on our way with commander SnikerBlik? Are we not taking over that ape planet for resources?" asked Zord.

"Yes, that’s in motion, my Zord."

"So what’s the problem?" asked Zord inspecting Biknot’s large yellow tongue.

"Well…" stammered Biknot.

"You’ve been chewing your tongue Biknot, haven’t you?"

"Well, yes my Zord."

"Not good, you should always keep a clean tongue.  So anyhow get on with the problem."

"We have a problem with Zok Trajectory."

"Yeah, well what else is new?  Is it bad?"

"We’re going to crash into BrightLight."

"Can it be fixed?" asked Zord.

"No, my Zord."

Zord grabbed another gallon-sized glass of Slok, and scratched his head. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Zord drank another gallon of Slok and put down his glass. "Well, it could be worse."

"What do you mean, my Lord?"

"Our ships could be out of fuel and we would be stuck on this planet," said Zord looking up at the stars.

Biknot unconsciously started chewing his tongue.

"My Zord," said Biknot.

"Yes," said Zord thinking of his place in Zok history.

"We used up all our fuel.  The ships on Zok are out of fuel."

Zord turned and looked at Biknot without a care. "That’s too bad, but inevitable I guess."

"What is, my Zord?"

"That all Zoks will die like this. But, oh well…probably a good time to recycle."

"Recycle?"

Zord used his long arm to reach over and grab a Kripit, a small tasteless round food item. He put in on his large yellow tongue and washed it down with another swig of Slok. "I don’t have much to live for anyhow, tired or waiting for this house to erupt."

"What should I tell the Zok people?"

"Same as usual, tell them we have found a new home and will be there soon."

"Yes, my Zord."

Biknot had an idea. "Zord, maybe we could get the Earthmen to help us save the planet. We have commander SnikerBlik in orbit.  Maybe he could find some fuel?"

Zord sat back down on his chair and closed his eyes as if sun bathing in the starlight. He turned up the music with his long arm. His eyes shut.

"Sure, why not?  And see if he can find some human women.  It’s been a little boring these days with the clone sex -- no emotion you know."

Biknot did not understand the emotion of sex; he was a warrior clone, built to fight.  No thoughts of sex or love, just war and loyalty.

Zord was built with over twenty four thousand years of inbreeding, and cared for life as one cared for a fluffy lemon meringue pie.

Biknot looked over at Zord who he wanted to despise, but something in his genetics suppressed the emotion.

"Yes, my Zord, I’ll see if they have women."

Zord carelessly flung a long hand in the air, waving Biknot to leave. "Carry on, carry on.  I need to relax and think about things a bit."

Biknot left to focus on saving the planet. He did not know why he wanted to save the planet, which was part of the clone warrior coding. He just lived to a plan and executed.

We don’t smoke the crap. We just sell it. We reserve the right to smoke for the young, the poor, the blacks and the stupid."

R.J. Reynolds executive on the question of why their chief personnel do not smoke, 1994

"In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon." 

--Scott Adams

"Please meet me at the dog statue in Shibuya, Hachiko exit at eight tonight", said Shun. So Robert looked at a map and went to the most lit up and crowded corner of Tokyo, the meeting ground for thousands of listless Japanese; shoppers, pimps, hookers, friends and even organized and unorganized criminals.  A police box, called a "koban", was on the corner of Hachiko and nearby stood the dog statue with seats for people doing whatever they did in Tokyo.

On the statue were cigarette ashes and pieces of chewing gum pressed in, making the dog look like it had warts. As an attempt at metal art, putting this statue in a public smoking section was a mistake overlooked by the local government. Although the Japanese police box was no more than fifteen yards away, this did not stop people from using the statue as an ashtray. The police were too busy giving out directions, their main task on the busiest corner in Japan, and maybe the world.

This part of Tokyo has eight major roads intersecting into one big street with twenty pedestrian lights. For thirty seconds out of every two minutes, all pedestrian lights turn green, allowing thousands of people to cross the main intersection.  They pick one of the eight roads.  Next to this artery are five subway lines and two above ground railway lines, all packed into an area half the size of a football field.  Except for two main county roads, all the other six look similar.

While waiting for the light to change, some Japanese watch one of three billboard-sized television screens flashing bright commercials on the top of all three buildings.  The sound of one selling a vitamin drink competes with another trying to sell insurance. Many people try to ignore the flashing billboards, and focus on other brightly colored, neon-lighted stores. Close by is a green StarBucks sign and a Sony TV billboard playing a commercial for a Japanese pick-me-up drink call Jet. A Japanese businessman is shown with a large brown bottle of Jet strapped to his back, the oversized Jet bottle is acting like a rocket engine.  It shoots the Japanese salaryman up to a cloud, all refreshed from drinking his caffeine-and-nicotine-laced drink.