Making It Through (9 page)

“I’m hurting today, Matt. I’m hurting, and I’m so tired. Why the hell did you have to go?” I whispered to the slab of stone. “Why couldn’t you just see the amazing things you had in front of you?”

My breath shuddered, a wave of pain slamming into me, like water crashing onto a rocky shore. I slammed my balled-up fists against the ground in front of me.

“I mean, I can’t even have fun at a party. They were such wonderful people, Matt, and all I could think about is how fucked up our family is now. I want to feel normal again. I need to, and I don’t know how!”

My vision blurred, the tears staining my cheeks. A loud sob erupted from my chest. With my head hung, I let the tears out, dulling some of the immediate pain.

“I thought I might find you here.”

I spun my head around and my eyes widened at the sight of Max standing a few feet away. He walked slowly toward me, his eyes locked on my face. He crouched beside me and took my hand in his, a small bit of comfort from such a minor act.

“What are you doing here?” I asked breathlessly.

“You didn’t answer my texts, and I got worried. You were acting weird last night. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”

I laughed humorlessly. “All right. You know, I hate those words.”

“What happened last night? You looked like you were having a good time, and then you didn’t.”

I shook my head. A tear escaped, making a trail down my cheek. “You and your family were wonderful.”

He reached into his pocket and produced a tissue.
“It’s clean I promise.”

I laughed in spite of my mood. Pulling me closer, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “So we’re wonderful, but...”

A large sigh escaped my lips. “I’m jealous.” That’s what it really boiled down to, wasn’t it? My family would never be whole again, and I knew it would be just a matter of time before it disintegrated further.

Max squeezed my shoulder. “Jealous? Oh babe, you have nothing to be jealous about. I was speaking with my mom this morning. She has already made me promise to ask you to come over again so they can spend more time with you. I know it’s not the same as your own family, but
I'm
pretty sure that
you're
an honorary Granger already.”

I glanced over to him and smiled. “Thank you for coming over here to check on me.”

“Will you do me a favor? Will you talk to me if you start feeling overwhelmed? You know, I’m a great listener. Now, come on, we have to get to class.”

I looked at Max with doubtful eyes. “I’m not sure
I'm
up for class. I mean look at me,” my hand waiving a circle around my head.

“Whatever is it that you think is wrong with yourself, cut it out, woman. You look perfect to me. Besides, you don’t want to mess with the studying progress we've made, do you?”

I shook my head. That would be a dumb thing to do.

“All right, let’s go.”

Max jumped to his feet and held out a hand to me. I placed my palm in his and stood. He began to walk to wherever he had parked, but I paused and turned back to the headstone. I kissed my fingers and rested them on top of the stone for a moment before following after Max.

The curtains were drawn, shutting out the world and the beautiful sun shining down. My eyes, puffy and hurting from crying all night, couldn’t handle the brightness. In a futile attempt to soothe the ache in my soul, the blankets covered my body, and my knees were drawn to my chest.

I had gotten through the last week with minimal rides on the emotional roller coaster in my head. Max had been around, and he kept me focused on school. Unfortunately, none of that mattered today—Matt's birthday.

The morning came and went. I had planned to wallow in bed and sleep as much of the day away as possible, so I had silenced my phone the night before. The doorbell rang, then I heard the mumbles of a conversation. I hadn’t been aware that anyone else was even home.

Hearing the soft padding of feet up the stairs, I rolled over so my back was to the door. I didn’t care who was coming, I just wanted to be left alone. I was entitled to one day, for God's sake.

The sound of a light but firm knock on my door broke the silence in the room.

“Go away.”

The door creaked open. “You know I can’t do that.”

Max
. “
I'm
taking a ‘me’ day, okay? I just want to be alone.
I'm
entitled to feel shitty.”

“I never said you weren’t, babe.” The bed beside me
sank
as Max helped himself to a seat. “Why must you insist on struggling alone?
I'm
here for you. You don’t have to be alone. I don’t even have to say anything, just like on the bridge.”

Immediately, the tears started to trickle down my face. “It’s not fair. I can’t wrap my head around any of it. You've been a great distraction, but the insane pain I feel inside is still there.
I
t’ll never go away.”

“I’m a distraction?” Did he sound hurt?

“Sometimes, yes. But you're more than that. I’m sorry; that came out wrong.” I mumbled through sniffling. The bed moved again. This time, the length of his body stretched beside me, an arm wrapping around me and pulling me closer to him.

“Shhh, it’s all right. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

The tears kept falling. It was surprising there were any left to shed at that point. I rolled over to face him.

“You don’t get it, Max. I never got to say goodbye, okay? This is just one more day that I get to remember how I never had the chance to tell him one more time that I loved him. There was no hospital bed to sit beside, no holding his hand. This isn’t a fucking movie. He just chose his fate, and we all suffer for it. God, I fucking hate him sometimes! Why did he choose to die alone like that? Why didn’t he want to stay?”

I sobbed uncontrollably, and Max squeezed me tighter against his chest, my tears soaking his shirt.

“Life isn’t always fair, Mady, and you can’t keep trying to sort out the whys when there just aren’t any answers. He made the choice. I doubt he thought about what the repercussions would be. I wish, more than anything, that I could say something to make it all better, but I know I can’t. All I can do is be the support, that, thus far, has been lacking within your own family.”

We stayed glued together until my tears ceased. Max’s strength remained a constant while my body was exhausted.

“Thank you... for everything,” I whispered into his chest.

“Always.”

The day that would have been Matt’s birthday, Max really saved me. He stayed with me the entire day, and he only left after I swore to him that I would be fine, then promised to text or call him if I found myself falling back into the grasp of despair.

But I didn’t. Even though I hadn’t realized it before, I had badly needed the comfort of someone else. I felt better, because Max had been a shoulder for me to cry on, and I was more grateful than I would have ever been able to tell him.

Over the following week, Max had bombarded my phone with texts, and not always at the best of times, either. One such occasion was during a rare class that I didn’t take with him.

What are you doing?

In class.

Anything interesting?

Not particularly. Trying to focus.

I should have known that he was nowhere near finished.

So, what are you wearing?

Stop would you?

Not until you tell me what
you're
wearing.

Jeans and a sweater. Happy?

:( No, that’s no fun. I was hoping you would get a little more creative.

Horny or something?

Wouldn’t you like to know.

Seems more likely that you want me to know.

Just trying to add a little fun to your day.

How would me knowing be fun exactly?

You could always come and find out.

Max, stop. I need to focus.

All right, all right. I’ll leave you be.

Thank you.

Nope, he still wasn’t done.

But
I'm
bored.

So am I, but I need to get through this.
You're
the one who's supposed to be encouraging me to study, not chatting with me during class.

Can't seem to help it today

Try.

What are you doing tonight?

Studying with you, as if you didn’t already know.

Oh yeah... about that.

Shut up.

No, I’m sorry, I think I'll be too busy saving the world tonight?

Did you guys get a new video game or something?

Ha ha, funny girl.

Oh yeah, award winning comedian right here.

Ah, I thought you looked different.

You know
I'm
in class, right?

Well, you should stop texting me. You’re bugging me anyway.

What? You started it.

No really, stop. Your obsession with me is getting out of hand.

My giggle at Max's over-the-top antics awarded me with a couple of strange looks from the students around me. I
sank
a little further into my chair and managed to take a few more notes before the class ended.

When I exited the auditorium, Max was leaning against one of the building's pillars and grinning ear to ear.

“What the heck is so funny?” I asked as I approached.

Instead of answering me, he wrapped his arms around my waist and spun me around.

“Max, put me down!” I squealed in shock.

Finally, my feet met the ground once again, and I noticed people had slowed down to watch. “Way to go, now everyone is staring at us.”

Max shrugged, his face dismissive. “They clearly don’t have enough fun in their lives, if they need to watch ours.”

I smacked him lightly in the chest. “You’re trouble, you know that?”

We started to stroll away from my class, and I thought we were heading to our stop at the library, but Max grabbed my arm and turned in a different direction.

“The car is over here. I thought we could study at my aunt’s restaurant. She won’t mind if we take over a table for a while.”

My stomach loudly grumbled.

He laughed. “That is all the confirmation I need. Let’s go.”