Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (21 page)

What to do if you are a doormat

Learn to say no

Elton John says that sorry is the hardest word. Perhaps, but “no” comes a close second. I confess I used to find it difficult to say
“no.” I remember many years ago being astonished when I was invited to a party I really didn’t want to go to and a friend said to me “You could always say no.” It had genuinely not entered my mind that that was an option. It seems a lot of people don’t realize that no is an option. Go on—try saying “no”: it can be fun!

Learn how to say no

If you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do, be honest. Explain why it is you cannot say an enthusiastic “yes”:

Useful example

“I must admit I feel completely overwhelmed at the moment. I have this deadline for next week and I’m helping Steven get his report done, which is due at the end of this week. I just don’t have time to take on anything new.”

Sometimes the best way of saying no is to offer the other person a choice. If your boss asks you to take on a new task, explain that you can but you will not then have time to do a different project. Ask which she would rather you did. This can work in family situations, too:

Useful example

“Darling, I can certainly write that letter for you, but it will mean I won’t have time to get the dinner ready tonight. Can you organize that? Then I can write the letter.”

Being honest means making it clear you’re not being lazy or seeking to shirk responsibilities. Instead, the message you convey is that you are already fully committed.

Ask yourself whether the person asking you to do the task is acting respectfully. If they are not, there’s no reason why you
should feel you should say yes. They may need to learn that in relationships there must be give and take. In the work environment, they need to learn to respect co-workers. If they’re not respecting you, you may not be helping them by doing what they ask.

Learn to walk away

There’s no reason why anyone should ever call you names or make fun of you. That’s utterly unacceptable and you should not put up with it. If you find this is happening at work you should complain to someone in management about it. If it’s your boss who’s the problem then walk away when he does this. Ask him politely not to talk to you in that way. If there is no response, you may need to leave. If so, it might be worth seeking legal advice on whether you are entitled to compensation.

Prioritize

Remember, the problem with being a doormat is that you’re too nice. You want to help everyone. But you must be honest with yourself and realize that you cannot. You don’t need to feel guilty about saying no. You’re probably facing many commitments and demands on your time. You can’t satisfy everyone. Try to see your no in a positive light. For example: “I’ve said no so that I can make sure I have enough time with my children.” If your saying no has meant that a job hasn’t been done, that is the organization’s problem, not yours.

Sometimes doormats feel it’s selfish to refuse to help in order to do something they enjoy. That’s very worthy. But remember that if you become downtrodden, dispirited and exhausted you won’t be able to help anyone. Everyone needs time to themselves, if only to recharge so that they can help other people again.

It’s important here to distinguish between other people’s wants and true needs. A person may
want
you to do something, but that doesn’t mean they
need
it done. Being a kind person, you’re likely to want to meet their needs as best you can. But don’t confuse that with meeting their wants. A person may
want
a
gourmet dinner, but they
need
just food. Your boss may
want
you to work 12 hours a day, but the company only
needs
8.

Avoidance—pros and cons

The temptation might be to avoid situations or people you find threatening. This can sometimes be justified, and at other times not. Are there some areas of your life where you feel more in control, and others where you feel you are a doormat? Consider carefully why this is so.

Why not offer to do extra things when you have spare time? That will create a good impression and make it easier when you say no. When offering extra help you can also choose the kind of jobs you like doing.

A recent survey declared that a major argument with your boss can be very good for your heart. Men who don’t complain about unfair treatment double their risk of a heart attack. That study had problems with it, but it does indicate the dangers of keeping feelings of frustration under wraps. If you think you have been badly treated at work, it’s best to do something about it.

Protecting yourself

Another danger for doormats is that they tend to be especially kind to those who are rude to them. There is a hope that by being extra kind and helpful you can win over the unpleasant person. This can be a particularly destructive phenomenon in relationships where one person does everything they can to be kind to the other person to ensure they are kept pleased. Ironically, it sometimes seems that the nicer the doormat is the more unpleasant the other person becomes. This leads to the doormat being even more desperate to please. Such a cycle is a very harmful one. Friendships, partnerships and marriages should be based on equality and fairness. If yours is not, it needs to change. Your views and desires should count as much as the other person’s.

When you feel that you no longer have a choice in a relationship or, at work, when you feel you have lost the power to say no, then you must act.

Wider issues

If you have concluded that you’re a doormat, it’s worth thinking about why this is so. Are you desperate to please people? Do you attach too much weight to other people’s opinions of you and don’t think highly enough about yourself? Do you like being regarded as a “saint” who always helps out? Remember that what you think about yourself can be reflected in how others treat you. If you see yourself as weak or useless, others may see you that way, too. Conversely, if you see yourself as strong and independent, others will respect you and not “use” you. Choose friends that make you feel good about yourself and build you up.

Getting it right

Zhu:        “Poppy, would you mind staying a bit late tonight and finishing off the project?”

Poppy:     “I’m sorry, Zhu. I’m afraid I can’t do that. However, I could finish the project first thing tomorrow morning.”

Zhu:        “Oh Poppy, we really appreciate you and it would be so helpful if you could do it tonight.”

Poppy:     “Thanks, but I hope you don’t mind me noting that the company doesn’t seem to appreciate me enough to pay overtime!”

Zhu:        “Ah, that’s true. But it would be so kind if you could just manage to stay and finish the project. Are you sure you can’t?”

Poppy:     “Zhu, no I am afraid I can’t. As I said, I would be very happy to put it top of my pile for tomorrow morning. I’ve made plans that I can’t change.”

Zhu:        “OK, we’ll have to make that work. See you tomorrow.”

Summary

If you’re a doormat don’t get too down on yourself: it reflects the fact that you are a kind person. But it might do you and your friends no good in the long run. You need to prioritize who you can help and make sure you are not improperly taken advantage of. You need to start saying no. There is plenty of advice in this chapter on how to do this.

In practice

Be honest with people when you feel overwhelmed. Don’t feel that you must say yes. Make sure you have time for yourself. Then you will be better able to help other people.

Chapter 19. How to be a good winner

“OK, you’re absolutely right. I now see how wrong I was.” For some arguers, to hear their opponent say this is the holy grail. They might feel the aim of an argument should be total defeat of the opponent and a grovelling acceptance of their brilliance. But that is rarely realistic or desirable. We talked about how to lose gracefully but positively in Golden Rule 10. It’s also important to know how to be a good winner.

Getting it wrong

Viv:      “So, if you look at all that evidence you can see I’m right.”

Tom:    “Well, I can see what you mean.”

Viv:      “Come on Tom, you must now accept I’m right.”

Tom:    “Well, I suppose so.”

Viv:      “I want to hear you say, ‘You are right, Viv.’”

Tom:    “Viv, you’re always right.”

Viv:      “Seriously Tom, you must now see I’m right.”

Tom:    “Oh OK, ‘You are right, Viv.’”

Remember Golden Rule 10: the relationship normally matters more than the argument. You can win the argument but lose the war. If the person you’re arguing with is left feeling humiliated or embarrassed it’s unlikely they will be keen to see you again or do business with you again. Requiring abject apologies is rarely, if ever, appropriate.

Give a way out

If it becomes clear you’re winning the argument, it may be best to give the person you’re talking to a way out. Don’t force them into conceding your point:

Useful examples

“I really enjoyed that discussion. Shall I send you a link to that article I was telling you about so you can read it for yourself?”

“It’s such a difficult issue and I often lie awake thinking about it. But perhaps we can agree that ...”

Seek agreement

Try to close an argument by referring to the agreement you have reached. The reality may be that they have come around to your point of view, or have come to accept your terms, but talking of agreement binds you both together. They are likely to feel warmer toward the argument if it’s seen as the result of a mutual process.

Useful examples

“I’m glad we’ve found we can agree on this.”

“This is a really useful decision we’ve made today. Thank you for your time in discussing it.”

Involve the loser

If there has been a disagreement within a family or in a business context, try to involve the “losers” in a positive way.

Useful examples

“Well, Lucy, we’ve decided to go to Alton Towers, which I know was not your first choice, but shall we say that you can choose where we’ll stop for supper on the way home?”

“Tom, I realize that this plan was not your ideal, but could you take on the job of overseeing the marketing side of it?”

Lording it over the loser will get you nowhere

The temptation, having won an argument, is to lord it over the other person. But that will get you nowhere. Boasting about how clever you are and how foolish they are might feel good at the time, but you will soon be very lonely!

“I just knew I was right and you were wrong!”

“I’m so glad we get to do it my way; it’s much better.”

Winning a one-sided victory may not be best

It’s possible in some situations to argue too well. Especially in the business context, it may not be wise to end up with an agreement that is entirely in your favor. If the deal leaves the other side in a bad position they are unlikely to want to do business with you again. Or, in a personal context, if you discuss with your partner how to divide up the housework and at the end it’s agreed that they’ll do everything and you nothing, you’ll live to regret that. The deal at the end of an argument needs to be reasonable for both sides. It needs to offer both parties something of benefit.

In conclusion, winning an argument needs to be done gracefully. I’ve given you the tools to win, now it’s up to you to go about it in a decent and noble manner. But remember to keep all arguments in context. Pick and choose those that are worthwhile, walk away from others. Balance winning an argument against losing a relationship. Enjoy healthy arguments, but avoid destructive ones. Keep a sense of humor. Use arguments positively. They are a great tool when used properly.

Getting it right

Viv:      “Tom, this has been a very helpful discussion. Do you feel you can now support my proposal?”

Tom:    “Well, I can see it has lots of merits.”

Viv:      “I agree that it’s not a straightforward issue. The concerns you have made are all valid. I just think the potential gains outweigh the risks.”

Tom:    “I think I can support your proposal now.”

Viv:      “That’s excellent. Actually, I was wondering whether you would be willing to be on the committee overseeing it?”

Summary

Win well. Be generous in victory and try to move on with the person you’re arguing with. Emphasize the positives for the other person from the discussion. If you win an argument make sure the other person does not leave the discussion bitter, unhappy or humiliated.