Manage Me (Toven's Circus #1) (24 page)

“Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, Baby.” I say with a smirk as I am attacked to the ground by the angry man beast.

Forty-five angry naked sweaty minutes later, we lay there panting and snuggling together.

“Fuck, that sassy mouth of yours makes me lose control. I’m going to have to come up with another way of punishing you.”

“I’ll look forward to it.” I mumble against his neck causing him to groan.

“We need to get dressed and go, before I take you again.”

We detangle ourselves, locate our clothes, before cleaning up our mess, and getting back on the bikes to head back into the city. We make the rounds to all the fun tourist places in Seattle; The Space Needle, the EMP Museum (Jaden was super excited about seeing Kurt Cobain’s guitar.) We explored the famous Pike Place Market, seeing the fish fly, all the hand-made goods, the art, and the foods. Jaden bought me a beautiful bouquet of wild flowers, which he had snuck off to get while I was distracted in a jewelry booth. If there was ever a more perfect day, I wanted nothing to do with it, this was the only day I ever wanted to live over and over again.

******************************************

We got back to the bus after having an amazing dinner in a wonderful seafood restaurant called Aqua that was right down on the water. Jaden is practically bouncing as he rushes me into the back bedroom, his acoustic guitar in hand. I dig out my little black case as the nerves start to rush in. I’ve never played with anyone else. What if I screw up and can’t follow the same beat and timing. Upon standing, Jaden is right behind me, wrapping me up tight in his large arms.

“Please don’t be nervous, I’ll still love you, always, even if you suck ass.” Surprisingly this makes me laugh and the nerves settle back.  We sit down on the bed and fiddle with our instruments, when ready we look at one another and Jaden starts playing. I wait a few beats before I jump in. We play through the whole song a few times, playing in sync and getting lost together. Jaden starts to sing softly along and I pick up harmonizing on the chorus.

“Silence is deafening

Hearts are empty

Love for none

Decay eats it away

The empty crevice remains.

Her song singing,

Her song weeping,

Her song killing and feeding,

That heart left to float

A blackened soul will never repent

Never again will breath escape

My fucking soul to die

My soul so filled with hate.

Her song singing,

Her song weeping,

Her song killing and feeding

Bleeding

Time ticking, life careening

To be used as a tool

Will tonight be your night?

Do you want to fill this hole?

I’ll never let her go

I’ll hold her heart

I can’t promise her no pain

I won’t promise her light.”

We fiddle and played with the music and the longer we are at it the more curious the band got, each one slowly trickles in. I find myself comfortable with them, even when all five of us are crammed in the back with our instruments. We play nearly all night running through several other Toven’s songs that my violin would fit in. I have always loved music but I don’t ever remember a time where I had so much fun while making it. Where I have been so relaxed and calm as the sound flowed through me and out of Lil Ella.

We worked on several other songs that we could dial back to an acoustic arrangement. Jaden was already playing ‘Her Song’ and they liked the idea of doing a couple others along with it. Then Finn shocked me.

“Nell, why don’t you join us on stage for the acoustic part of the show? The violin really makes the songs sound perfect, the fans will love it.”

“I…I…” I didn’t know what to say, I hated playing in front of others but him asking is me to join them on stage is beyond unbelievable. Before I can say no though Jaden jumps in.

“She doesn’t like playing in front of people. Even though she’s fucking astounding.”

“You played in front of us.” Ryker says.

“I was playing with you.” I correct and he laughs, there is always that one friend that has to turn something innocent, dirty…ours is Ryker.

“I’m down for an orgy. I think it would bring the band closer together.” He reaches an arm around Ashton attempting to pull her close but she pushes him off.

“Good luck with that Ry.” Finn says lightly but his face looks like he would rather rip Ryker’s arms off and beat him with them.

“The Gorge would be a great place for you to try out playing with us. There won’t be any media out there and it’s really one of the most beautiful stages to play on. If you get nervous, you can turn and look at the view. Just think about it, okay? It’s a couple days until the show and we will continue to play together, so you can get comfortable with us.” Ashton adds ignoring the boys.

“I’ve never played with a band before. It’s always been just me. Tonight was a lot of fun and I actually feel really comfortable with you guys. I would like the next couple days though. I would like to see the venue and settle into the idea. I want to thank you all so much for asking me, I don’t want you to think I am being ungrateful. I feel kind of speechless really.” I release a chuckle.

They all ban together and swoop me up into a tight hug. “You’re a keeper, Beauty!” Ryker says before getting a smack from Jaden.

Chapter 32

Nell

We head out in the morning for The Gorge but we need to pack the bus with supplies before we leave and I decide to drag Ashton along with me. We haven’t spent any alone time together without the boys and it would be nice to get to know her a little better and what better way to get to know someone than to go grocery shopping.

“So Ashton, how long have you been sweating Finn?” I ask with the most serious face I can muster. 

“Wow, you really just jump right into it huh? Don’t you want to do some small talk first?” she deadpans. “Talk about my childhood, maybe? When I got my first period or lost my virginity?”

“I only have a limited amount of alone time with you. I’m pretty sure the Finn shit goes back years, so stop evading and spill it, Sugar.”

“God you’re bossy. Jaden and you are perfect for each other.” She says with a sigh, crossing her arms over her chest. “Yes, the Finn thing goes back fucking years. It’s goddamn pathetic, and no matter how hard I have tried, I can’t seem to shake these feelings I have for the big beautiful bastard. How did you know? Did Jaden or Ryker tell you?”

“Honey, it’s written all over your face whenever that huge piece of Outlander man steak walks into the room. I take it he doesn’t know?” The sadness that fills her face as she shakes her head no about breaks my heart. “All this time, all these years, and nothing? Damn, that boy is dumb.”

“Jaden noticed first, then Ryker figured it out later, after ‘The Kiss’. She says.

“Wait, you two have kissed? How was it?” Fuckin-A, at least there was some hope.

On a huge sigh she flops back in her seat. “Holy fuck me, it was toe curling incredible and perfect. But of course the next morning he came and apologized.”

“You have to be fucking kidding me! Apologized? How insulting!” I’m so pissed off for her. “How did ‘the kiss’ happen?

“We were in Dublin, Ireland, it was the last show of our European tour. So everyone was partying, drinking, and having a great time. We were completely pissed drunk. Jaden had gone off…Uh…Sorry.” She stumbles to a stop, looking guilty.

“Ash, its fine, I’m well aware of Jaden’s former whorish ways.” I say causing her to giggle.

“Yeah, he was a huge man whore. So anyway, Jaden was off being a slut. We’d been drinking at a pub and when Finn started trying to nap on the table, we decided it was time to go back to the hotel we were staying at. Ryker and I practically had to carry Finn’s gigantic ass to his bed. Ryker left to go pass out and I stayed to make sure Finn wasn’t going to die in his own vomit. I pulled off his boots and jeans, making sure he was comfortable, of course.” She sends me a wink.

“I put a trash bin next to his bed and made sure he was on his side, just in case. At that point, I may have sat down next to him, just to look at him. I totally went creeper and ran my fingers through his hair, across his face, and into that fucking sexy beard he has. While admiring his lips, brushing the bottom one with my thumb, imagining how they would feel against my own, they opened, and my thumb was suddenly sucked into his mouth. Fuck, I was shocked, and instantly horny as a beast. He grabbed the back of my head and yanked me down to his face. I pulled my thumb from his mouth as he stared at me. I could tell he was questioning his next move, when he finally said, “Fuck it.” Slamming his mouth to mine. Nell, it was the most hypnotic, addictive, astonishing moment in my existence. Then his lips and hand go completely lax. The asshole passed out while I was experiencing complete euphoria. The next morning he pulls me aside, tells me he is sorry. That he disrespected me when he was drunk and it shouldn’t have happened.”

“That fucking Asshat.”

“Right! Ugh, I should have punched him." She says with anger but looks so sad. “I was so hurt that I couldn’t move or say anything. He said he never should have kissed me. We had all been drinking and I was like a sister to him.” The car comes to a stop as she finishes talking. I reach out a hand for hers and when she grabs it I pull her into a hug.

“Finn’s a blind idiot.” But I think he does have something there for Ashton. Alcohol is like a truth serum, his actions that say a lot and I think he is just worried about messing things up. I’ll have to talk to Jaden and Ryker, see what they think, see if they will help open his eyes.

We climb out of the car and head into the store. They guys helped make up a list of foods that they would need, pretty much everything from the junk food sections. Ashton and I decided to cut out most of the crap and get healthy stuff. They would bitch but George, WA was in the middle of nowhere, so they would have to eat it or starve. Ally, my nanny, while I was growing up taught me to cook and bake. So I decided I would cook several dinners and bake some snacks.

With our two carts completely loaded up, we chat about life as we stand in line at the check-out. I glance over at the magazines on display deciding to grab a few to keep me occupied while on the road. I grab Vogue and Cosmo tossing them in the cart before looking at the rag mags and stopping dead in my tracks.

“Oh shit,” I whisper but Ashton hears me a looks.

“Fuck…” She says grabbing one. On the four celebrity rag magazines displayed, all of them have a picture of Jaden and me from the day before, hugging, holding hands, laughing, and kissing. One reads “CHEATER!” another “Jaden James Affair Already!”, “Jaden James: Caught with His Pants Down.” The fourth reads, “A Heartbroken Emily Snow Speaks”.

“Jesus, how does this shit happen so damn fast?” I hide my face in my hands. Ashton grabs all the magazines tossing them in the cart. Why, I don’t know since most of it is probably lies but I’m masochistic enough not to stop her.

We make our way through check out and back to the car. My phone is deeply buried in my black embossed LV Neverfull bag, I can hear its annoying buzz but I’ll ignore it for as long as possible. Jaden will call Ashton’s phone if he needs me, my dad will just keep calling mine and I would rather just avoid him thanks.