Manipulation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (7 page)

“A truthful witness gives honest testimony, but a false witness tells lies.” (Proverbs 12:17)

As you prayerfully practice saying
no
to manipulators, practice saying
yes
to God by consistently clinging to the Lord’s promise to meet your inner needs for ...
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• Sacrificial Love
  

  “The L
  ORD
  appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.’”
  (Jeremiah 31:3)
  

• Significance
  

  “‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the L
  ORD
  , ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
  (Jeremiah 29:11)
  

• Security
  

  “The L
  ORD
  himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
  (Deuteronomy 31:8)
  

Their words are sweet as molasses, rolling off their lips, but they should stick like glue on their tongues.

They praise Jesus for having qualities they do not have themselves,
“Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity. You aren’t swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth”
(Mark 12:14).

It is a cunning commendation. The men are ready to trap Jesus,
“to catch him in his words”
(Mark 12:13).

The Pharisees, the religious leaders of the Jews, and the Herodians (Jews who support Herod and Roman political authority) actually despise Jesus, resenting His favor with the people, resenting His call to repentance. They hope to trip Jesus up over the issue of taxes, but He is fully aware of their manipulation and hypocrisy. Their snare comes encased in a question.

“Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not? Should we pay or shouldn’t we?” (Mark 12:14–15).

Jesus asks them for a coin and then offers up a few questions of His own.

“Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?” “‘Caesar’s,’ they replied.” “Then Jesus said to them, ‘Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.’” (Mark 12:16–17)

The manipulators walk away marveling.

While some snares come cloaked in a question, there are many questions regarding manipulation that are authentic and deserve a legitimate answer.

Q
UESTION: “I know I’m being manipulated. Why don’t I end the relationship?”
29

A
NSWER:
Probably because you fear losing the real or perceived benefits you are receiving in the relationship. Ask yourself what it will cost you to walk away. Even unhealthy relationships can provide a sense of feeling loved, significant, and secure.
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A desperate fear of rejection often paralyzes a person who is trying to make healthy decisions. The belief is often that “any relationship is better than no relationship.” In such cases it is helpful to remember the words of King David and then to practice them:

“I sought the L
ORD
, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:4)

Q
UESTION: “How do I know whether I am being manipulated?”

A
NSWER:
Evaluate: Am I doing this to gain someone’s approval or because I fear losing someone’s approval? Will my decision affect my relationship with the person who wants me to do this? Or am I doing this because it is the right thing for me to do? Is my motive to please a person or to please God?

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)

People have been coerced into doing any number of things in the name of love, loyalty, and kindness. If Sarah had encouraged her husband to trust God, rather than submitting to his request to misrepresent their relationship, they might have been spared much sorrow and shame.

Q
UESTION: “Is a wife still being submissive to her husband when she takes a stand against his manipulation?”

A
NSWER:
No wife is to submit to a husband’s sinful request. And manipulation is a sin because faith is placed not in the Lord but in the manipulative tactics used. Therefore, if a wife perpetuates the sinful pattern of her husband by engaging in sin with him, she is not helping him but is rather hindering him. She is both endorsing and encouraging his sinful behavior because ...
31

“Everything that does not come from faith is sin.” (Romans 14:23)

Clearly, Jesus did not yield to the manipulative maneuvers of the religious leaders of His day. Every tactic and trick they tried on Him, Jesus thwarted. None of them worked. He never yielded to their pressure or fell for their ploys. He was never sidelined by their schemes or sidetracked by their scenarios. They never diverted His focus from His Father’s will or His purpose.

“‘My food,’ said Jesus, ‘is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. ... For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me.’” (John 4:34; 6:38)

If it is your heart’s desire to be like Jesus and no longer succumb to the shenanigans of selfish manipulators, apply the directives in the following acrostic on DEPENDENCY.

D
ecide not to be dependent on the manipulator.

• Decide you have had an unhealthy dependent relationship and confess it to God.
  
• Decide you want a healthy relationship that glorifies God.
  
• Decide you will be dependent on the Lord to meet your deepest needs.
  

“God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
(Philippians 4:19)

E
xpect exasperation from the manipulator.

• Don’t expect the manipulator to understand or agree with your decisions.
  
• Don’t expect the manipulator to acknowledge being manipulative.
  
• Don’t expect the manipulator to be willing to stop controlling you and to set you free.
  

“Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.”
(Psalm 31:3–4)

P
repare yourself for pain.

• Accept the fact that change is painful. However, in time peace will reign in your heart, and in time peace may also reign in your relationship.
  
• Accept the fact that change will be resisted by the manipulator.
  
• Accept the fact that if you don’t change, you will stay in pain and peace will elude you.
  

“I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.”
(Job 3:26)

E
xamine the methods of the manipulator.

• Ask God to open your eyes to the ways you have been manipulated.
  
• Ask yourself, “How am I being manipulated?” Then write out your tactics for change.
  
• Ask a trusted friend to help you see your blind spots and develop a plan of action.
  

“A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it”
(Proverbs 22:3).

N
otify the manipulator of the necessity for change.

• State that you have been wrong.
  

  “I’ve come to realize I’ve been wrong in the way I’ve related to you. At times I’ve not spoken up because I’ve been fearful. This is not healthy for either of us.”
  

• State your commitment.
  

  “I really do care about you. I want you to know that I am committed to change. I believe we can ultimately have a much healthier relationship.”
  

Or, if it is not appropriate to continue in a relationship at all
...

• State your resolve.
  

  “I cannot continue in a relationship with you and be the person I need to be before God.”
  

“Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us”
(Hebrews 12:1).

D
on’t defend yourself.
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Although you will be accused of not being loving and caring ...

• You may choose to be silent, but don’t use silence as a weapon.
  
• You may choose to state the truth once or repeat it several times. “I’m so sorry you feel that way. What you’ve said is not true—it does not reflect my heart.”
  
• You may choose to say, “I understand that you think I am being heartless, but my intent is to become healthy.”
  

“[There is] a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak.”
(Ecclesiastes 3:7)

E
xpect experimentation with new strategies.
33

• The manipulator may resort to using other methods to control you.
  
• The manipulator needs to know you are aware of these new methods.
  
• The manipulator needs to see that these new methods will not succeed.
  

“Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse.”
(Proverbs 2:12)

N
ullify your need to meet all of the manipulator’s needs.

• Realize that God didn’t design anyone to meet ALL the needs of another person.
  
• Realize if you meet all of the manipulator’s needs, then the manipulator won’t recognize the need for the Lord.
  
• Realize you need to redirect the manipulator’s focus to the Lord as the only true Need-Meeter.
  

“Delight yourself in the L
ORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the L
ORD
; trust in him and he will do this.”
(Psalm 37:4–5)

C
ommit Galatians 1:10 to memory.

• Recognize the truth in Galatians 1:10 by saying it at least three times a day.
  

  “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
  (Galatians 1:10)
  

• Realize that the only approval you need comes from God.
  

  “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men?”
  (Galatians 1:10)
  

• Remember to live out this truth because you are Christ’s servant.
  

  “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
  (Galatians 1:10)
  

Y
ield to pleasing the Lord first.

• See that Jesus was not a “peace at any price” person. He said ...
  

  “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.”
  (Matthew 10:34)
  

• See that if you want to be like Jesus, you too must not be a “peace at any price” person.
  
• See that you are to keep your trust in God and to fear no one.
  

  “In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
  (Psalm 56:11)
  

Paul gazes throughout the teeming metropolis and finds himself
“greatly distressed”
(Acts 17:16).

Athens is a city flourishing on philosophical exchange, and the free flow of ideas, but it is a city
“full of idols”
(Acts 17:16). Everywhere are statues of gold, silver, and stone, images made by man’s design and skill. Paul preaches about an
invisible
God, one so powerful He can never be contained in an inanimate object. How will the Athenians handle
that
idea?

Because many people in Athens spend their time
“doing nothing but talking about and listening to the latest ideas”
(Acts 17:21), they undoubtedly are easy targets for manipulation and deception. But Paul’s heart is to
persuade
the lost about the living Christ. As he
reasons
(Acts 17:17) in the marketplace day after day, he gains the attention of a group of philosophers.

Up to this point, Paul has resisted any temptation to be manipulative, but now he must engage with philosophically-minded unbelievers while avoiding manipulative conversation.

If you find yourself in a similar situation with a stranger or with someone you know quite well, walk through the following steps:

1
State clearly what you are willing to accept and not willing to accept from the manipulator.

• Communicate your position in a positive way.
  
• Do not justify yourself. Do not be apologetic.
  
• “I want our relationship to continue, but ...
  
  • “I am not willing to be controlled.”
    
  • “I am not willing to hear your accusations concerning (
    name
    ) any longer.”
    
  • “I am not willing to endure the silent treatment from you.”
    
• Keep what you say short and succinct.
  

Take to heart what the Bible says:

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”
(Proverbs 17:27)

2
Announce the consequence you will enforce if the manipulator violates your requests.

• Your response should serve to disengage you from the manipulator.
  
• You cannot change the manipulator’s behavior, but you can remove yourself from frequent exposure to unacceptable behavior.
  
• “I want to visit with you, but ...
  
  • “If you call me a name again, I will leave for a period of time.”
    
  • “If you persist in making that accusation, I will terminate our conversation.”
    
  • “If you give me the silent treatment, I will find someone else to talk with.”
    
• Consequences are part of God’s divine plan that what we sow, we will reap.