Manipulation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (4 page)

5
Spiteful Sounds

• Audible sighs
  
• Deep grunts
  
• Long groans
  
• Smacked lips
  
• Scripture reveals ...
  

  “All my longings lie open before you, O L
  ORD
  ; my sighing is not hidden from you”
  (Psalm 38:9).
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t meet my expectations, I will let you know how perturbed I am with you.”
  

6
Suppressed Support
17

• Withholding compliments
  
• Withholding gifts
  
• Withholding affection
  
• Withdrawing presence
  
• The apostle Paul said to the Corinthian church ...
  

  “We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us”
  (2 Corinthians 6:12).
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t meet my standards, you will not get any attention whatsoever from me.”
  

7
Strategic Stalling
18

• Intentionally slow
  
• Intentionally late
  
• Intentionally not hearing
  
• Intentionally forgetful
  
• In contrast, 1 Corinthians 13:5 says ...
  

  “[Love] is not rude.”
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t give me control, I’ll take control in other ways.”
  

8
Sniveling Sobber
19

• Timed tears
  
• Subtle sniffles
  
• Tearful stories
  
• Extended crying
  
• In contrast, Hosea 7:14 says ...
  

  “They do not cry out to me from their hearts but wail upon their beds. They gather together for grain and new wine but turn away from me.”
  

• The manipulator implies ...
  

  “If you don’t meet my emotional needs, I’ll get your attention and make you feel guilty by falling apart.”
  

Exit, “blessed” Jacob. Enter, “beaten to the punch” Esau.

He enters his father’s presence with food in tow, eager for Isaac to begin eating and expecting the blessing to be bestowed. But Esau’s world gets turned upside down with the following question from his father:
“Who are you?”

“‘I am your son,’ he answered, ‘your firstborn, Esau.’”

“Isaac trembled violently and said, ‘Who was it, then, that hunted game and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came and I blessed him—and indeed he will be blessed!’”
(Genesis 27:32–33).

Esau breaks out with a loud and bitter cry, having no trouble identifying his impersonator and devising a dastardly plan of his own.

Every ruse has repercussions whether the initiator is relative, friend, or foe, but especially serious repercussions when the ruse affects a person’s relationship with God.

Although people may have a heart for the Lord, they may tend to be spiritually manipulative.

Q
UESTION: “If spiritual manipulation is not used, what will motivate people to follow God’s will?”

A
NSWER:
No manipulation is needed to motivate people—instead God Himself is the motivator. The Bible says that the Lord writes His laws on our hearts and minds.

“This is the covenant I will make with them ... says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds”
(Hebrews 10:16).

• He prompts you to do His will.
  

  “It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose”
  (Philippians 2:13).
  

• He provides you with the power to do His will.
  

  “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it”
  (1 Thessalonians 5:24).
  

• He puts His words in your mind and reminds you to do His will.
  

  “The Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you”
  (John 14:26).
  

Ultimately, because Christ indwells every true Christian, we have both His will and His supernatural power to do His will.

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness.”
And the next verse tells us why—we “
participate in [Christ’s] divine nature
” (2 Peter 1:3–4).

Q
UESTION: “What is the difference between spiritual manipulation and biblical obedience?”

A
NSWER:
Obedience is the act of conforming outwardly to God’s righteous standard and inwardly to the character of Christ through the enabling grace of God.

• In
  manipulation
  , the resource is self-effort—the motive is self-promotion. Manipulation results in pride and is based on a performance-based approach to God.
  
• In
  obedience
  , the resource is the Spirit of God—the motive is to glorify God. Obedience results in humility and approaching God on the basis of Christ’s performance.
  

  “The grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good”
  (Titus 2:11–14).
  

Before Esau turns his attention to the
“rightly named Jacob”
(Genesis 27:36), he pleads with Isaac.

“‘Bless me—me too, my father!... Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!’ Then Esau wept aloud”
(Genesis 27:34, 38).

But the subsequent words of Isaac for Esau are pitiful compared to what has been proclaimed for Jacob.
“Your dwelling will be away from the earth’s richness, away from the dew of heaven above. You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother. But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke from off your neck”
(Genesis 27:39–40).

The tragic turn of events leads Esau to look ahead to “payback time.”
“The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob”
(Genesis 27:41).

Rebekah becomes aware of the planned revenge and decides to manipulate and deceive her husband again. She concocts a story about how Jacob needs to be sent away to live with her brother Laban in order to “protect” him from marrying a Hittite woman because Esau’s Hittite wives so grieve her.

“I’m disgusted with living because of these Hittite women. If Jacob takes a wife from among the women of this land, from Hittite women like these, my life will not be worth living”
(Genesis 27:46).

As the manipulative account concludes, Rebekah never sees her beloved son Jacob again, though the two brothers eventually reconcile.

• Authoritarian
  —Implying that God communicates with His people only through a hierarchy of power
  
• Image Conscious
  —Seeking to present themselves as an image of perfect righteousness
  
• Suppressive of Criticism
  —Maintaining that those who question anything about the organization are actually challenging God’s authority
  
• Perfectionistic
  —Condemning failure of any type or magnitude
  
• Unbalanced
  —Flaunting their distinctiveness to validate their claim of having a “special” relationship with God
  
• Coercive
  —Using any tactic available to persuade followers to disregard their own logic and do what the leaders demand
  
• Intimidating
  —Threatening members routinely with punishment or excommunication in order to gain compliance
  
• Terrorizing
  —By blaming the ministry’s problems on the sins of the members
  
• Condemning
  —Heaping condemnation on outsiders and anyone who leaves the congregation
  
• Discriminatory
  —Telling average members their needs are less important than the needs of leaders
  
• Legalistic
  —Expecting members to make extreme sacrifices of money, time, and energy for the sake of the organization
  
• Isolating
  —Encouraging members to minimize or discontinue contact with family, friends, and the outside world
  

Most spiritual leaders who use spiritual manipulation present God as judge—a stern taskmaster—a judgmental judge. These spiritual manipulators have a misplaced confidence in themselves that leads to frustration, failure, and self-condemnation. The attitude toward others is prideful exclusivity, which produces frustration, fear, and resentment in others.

The Bible tells us ...

“Such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, masquerading as apostles of Christ.” (2 Corinthians 11:13)

Where did this maze of manipulation begin, and how did it begin?

The guile began in the Garden of Eden.

God pronounced everything He had made to be
“very good,”
but in time things became
very bad
. His perfect creation will be marred by manipulation, darkened by deception (Genesis 1:31).

A creature
“more crafty than any of the wild animals the L
ORD
God had made”
(Genesis 3:1) plays a part in tarnishing the crowning jewel of God’s creation—man and woman—and the stain of sin will mark all who come after them.

Eve is the first to be manipulated. She becomes mesmerized with what stands in the middle of the garden.

Satan speaks through a serpent, one apparently standing upright. But its destiny is known for sure—doomed to forever slither.

Cunning and clever, surreal and altogether satanic, the serpent draws Eve into a conversation that challenges the commands of God.
“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
(Genesis 3:1).

The serpent’s first strike is to cast doubt ... to knock Eve off-kilter, to send her mind spinning as to what God had actually said. He attacked her confidence in God’s command by altering and misquoting God’s prohibition against eating the fruit to include all the trees in the garden.

The serpent’s second strike is literally to lie about the consequences of eating the forbidden fruit from
“the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”
God had said,
“When you eat of it you will surely die”
(Genesis 2:17).

However, Satan says,
“You will not surely die”
(Genesis 3:4).

Eve is enticed in every way by the appeal of the fruit. It looks good, it will taste good, but more so, it will make her
“like God”
or so the serpent says (Genesis 3:5).

Eve picks it, tastes it, and passes it on to Adam.

“Therefore ... sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men.” (Romans 5:12)

Satan did a masterful job of manipulation, one that laid a solid foundation for sin and set the stage for continued manipulation to flow through families from generation ... to generation ... to generation.

• Had an over-controlling parent: domineering, critical, angry, punitive, or manipulative
  
• Experienced some type of abuse: verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual
  
• Grew up in an abusive home environment
  
• Had “no voice” at home to share honest facts and feelings; you never dealt with your true feelings
  
• Learned about manipulation by watching your parents—with children, more is caught than taught
  
• Grew up in a “blaming home” that used guilt to control others
  
• Accepted blame for everything in childhood, a mind-set that easily set you up to be manipulated in adulthood
  
• Blamed everyone else for all of your wrongs, setting yourself up to become a manipulator
  
• Thought your “normal” was normal—but it was not
  
• Wanted to please others, but your “pleasing” was never pleasing enough
  

First Corinthians 13:11 tells us,
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”

• Were born with a disability
  
• Were unsuccessful in school
  
• Were taunted by schoolmates
  
• Were humiliated by a teacher
  
• Were shamed by a coach
  
• Were taught that God was ready to punish every bad thought
  
• Were told you could never please God