Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (11 page)

The next few weeks were hard for Jaime. The night in Jacksonville had wakened the monsters in his mind. No matter what he did, the nightmares seemed to find him more often than not.

Night after night, he woke in a cold sweat, his heart pounding in his chest. The dreams started out erotic, only to turn terrible and frightening before he reached his climax. Sometimes the horror of it overrode the sexual component. But other times when he woke, his dick would be so hard it was almost painful. He’d feel like he was only one stroke away from the orgasm of his life. Then he’d remember his dream, and it would be all he could do to make it to his bathroom before losing what was left of his dinner.

He knew his nightmares were related to his growing attraction to Levi, but he had no idea what to do about it. The only logical answer was to stop seeing Levi, but Jaime knew that was the last thing in the world he wanted to do. He wasn’t sure it would help anyway.

At two-thirty Wednesday morning, he woke from yet another disturbingly erotic dream. He couldn’t stand to stay in his bed, replaying the terrifying visions in his head. He knew he wouldn’t be able to fall back to sleep. He got out of bed, and Dolly followed him downstairs. She sat on the couch next to him with her head in his lap, and he petted her absentmindedly while watching bad latenight television. This had become routine. On good nights, he’d fall asleep on the couch around four or five, but not this time. He felt like he’d hardly slept in days, but he was still awake at sixthirty when Dolly started nuzzling him and whining to go out.

He took her for her morning walk and fed her before starting his own breakfast. He only had three clients scheduled for the day, with the third one being the very object of his turmoil—Levi.

He was exhausted. On top of that, every passing minute brought him a minute closer to seeing Levi. The thought filled him with something that was half excitement and half dread. He knew both feelings were completely ridiculous, but chastising himself changed nothing. He worked through his first two clients in a bit of a daze. He had an extra half-hour after his second appointment before Levi was scheduled to show up. He was supposed to use that time for lunch, but he found he couldn’t eat anything. His stomach was full of butterflies.

Levi arrived for his massage, cheerful as always. Jaime could tell he’d been surfing. His hair was still damp, and Jaime swore the smell of the ocean and sunlight had followed Levi into the small, dark room. Jaime couldn’t even manage to make eye contact with him as he told him to get undressed and lie down on the table, face up.

“I’m sorry I didn’t shower first,” Levi said, when Jaime came back in the room. “Seems rude not to, but you’re only going to get me all greasy anyway.”

“It’s fine,” Jaime said, trying not to think about pouring massage oil all over Levi’s naked body. He straightened the sheet over Levi, pulling it up higher on him than he usually did on men, in an attempt to keep from being distracted by Levi’s bare stomach and chest.

“Are you okay?” Levi asked him as he sat down on the little stool behind Levi’s head. Levi was straining his neck backward, trying to meet his eyes.

“Of course,” Jaime said. He pulled on Levi’s head to stretch the neck muscles, then put his fingers up into Levi’s sub occipitals. “Let’s start with three deep breaths.”

Jaime tried to concentrate on his job, but he had to admit he was losing his ability to be professional with Levi. He didn’t just want to massage him. He wanted to look at him and he wanted to touch him. He found he spent too long on Levi’s hands, simply because he knew how much Levi liked it.

He also knew he should spend more time on Levi’s psoas and lumbar and less on his thigh. Yes, Levi had pain in his leg, but Jaime knew his psoas was the real problem, and the thigh just a symptom. Still, he loved how it felt to rub his leg. He liked that when he did it, he could see most of Levi’s stomach. Of course, there was also the tantalizing bulge between Levi’s legs, covered by the thin sheet. Levi no longer became aroused during his massages. On one hand, Jaime knew that was good. But sometimes, he couldn’t help but wish his touch still turned Levi on. He wondered sometimes what would happen if he pushed the thin sheet out of the way.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Levi asked, startling Jaime out of his thoughts.
“Yeah. Why?”
“You don’t look so good. And you’re a little spacey.”
Jaime felt the heat of his blush. He hoped Levi couldn’t guess what he’d been thinking. “I haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Why not?”
The answer to that question was more than he wanted Levi to know, so he changed the subject. “Do you feel like the therapy is helping?”
“I do, but…” Levi hesitated.
“But what?”
“But can you tell me how much longer this is going to take?”
“It’s hard to say for sure. It took several years to get your body to this point of imbalance. You’ve made a lot of progress, but it’s common to reach a bit of a plateau. It might feel like it’s not getting any better, but the massage keeps it from reverting to how it was before.”
“It keeps it from getting worse again?”
“Right. Think of it as maintenance.”
“Well, the thing is, Jaime”—and Jaime was surprised to see that for once, it was Levi who was blushing—“I can’t really afford maintenance. I could afford to come once a month, I think. Twice maybe. But this twice a week thing is going to break me.”
Many clients had to quit treatment or come less often due to the cost, but never before had Jaime experienced such a sense of loss over one. Levi had become a bright spot in his life—a bright spot that sometimes blinded him and made everything a bit more complicated than he liked—but a bright spot nonetheless. He didn’t want to let Levi drift away.
“Keep coming, Levi,” he said. “You shouldn’t quit now. I’ll do the massages for free.”
“You shouldn’t have to do that.”
“I want to.” He didn’t look at Levi’s face. He was afraid Levi would look at him and see how desperate he was to keep him around. He didn’t want Levi to think he was pathetic. Even if he was. Jaime went back to rubbing his arm, then moved to his hand.
“Not many people want to come to a male therapist,” he said, and it was the truth. “Women are too self-conscious, I guess, and men get freaked out about having another man touch them this way. They worry they’ll be turned on.” He couldn’t help but smile as he thought about it. “Not all of them, of course, but enough. The women don’t mind if they know I’m gay, but it’s not like I’m going to list my sexual orientation in my Yellow Pages ad.”
“You could put a little rainbow penis,” Levi said.
It surprised Jaime enough he burst out laughing. “What?”
“People put those little Christian fish in their ads. It’s the same idea. It’s like a code. You could start a new trend.”
“No, thanks,” Jaime said, still laughing. “Full color ads cost extra. Anyway, my point is, my schedule’s fairly full, but it’s not like I have anyone clamoring for your spot. So if you want to keep coming, you should.”
“I can pay you twenty-five dollars per treatment,” Levi said, and Jaime could hear the embarrassment in his voice. Twenty-five dollars was a third what he normally charged.
“That’ll be fine.”
“Twenty-five dollars, and you go surfing with me.”
Jaime smiled. “Okay. Maybe next week—”
“Tonight.”
“Tonight?”
“This afternoon. When we’re done here.”
“Are you serious?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You’ve already been surfing today.”
Levi gave him a killer smile. “No rule says I can’t go twice. Besides, some exercise might help you sleep, and you could use the practice. What do you say? Do we have a deal?”
Yes, Levi was his bright spot. And Jaime swore he could feel Levi’s light filling him up. He couldn’t help but smile. “Deal.”

Jaime was surprised when he followed Levi outside to find Levi’s motorcycle parked by the curb. He knew Levi had come straight from the beach, so it was odd he wasn’t in his truck.

Like he was reading his mind, Levi said, “My apartment was on the way, and the truck’s too fucking hot. Didn’t figure we’d be going straight back out.” He climbed on and looked at Jaime expectantly. “You coming?”

The motorcycle was shiny chrome and bright red speed, and just looking at it made Jaime break out in a cold sweat. “No way am I getting on that thing.”

That may or may not have been true, but as was so often the case with his fear, logic did little to abate it. “I’ll take my car and meet you at your place,” he told Levi, and although Levi rolled his eyes in good-natured exasperation, he agreed.

The surfing turned out to be a good idea. Levi surfed a little, but mostly he floated on his board in the surf while he helped Jaime. The sun and the water and the Levi’s cheerful company burned away some of Jaime’s lethargy and the depression that had been building over the past weeks. When they were done, he was tired, but it was a weariness that made him feel strong and healthy. He climbed back into Levi’s truck sunburned and hungry, but feeling better than he had in days.

“You want to go out?” Levi asked him as he started his truck. Jaime shook his head. “I don’t have the energy.”
“You want to come over?”
“Why?” Jaime asked in surprise.
Levi shrugged. “Why not?”
“Can we stop and get Dolly first?”
Levi practically rolled his eyes at him, but he smiled, too. “I

It wasn’t. Not really. But Levi took him back by his house and barely blinked an eye when Jaime put Dolly in the cab with them instead of in the back.

“She’s never been in the back of a truck before,” Jaime told him. “I’m afraid she’ll jump out.”
Levi just shook his head. Once they were at his place, Jaime sat down on the couch. Dolly hopped up next to him and lay with her head in his lap. Levi raised his eyebrows at her, but only said, “What do you like on your pizza?”
“Mushrooms.”
“That’s it?”
“No. Anything else is fine. Just as long as there’re mushrooms, too. Not those rubbery canned kind, though.” He leaned back on the couch, closed his eyes, and felt himself finally relaxing. His week without sleep was catching up to him fast. “
Real
mushrooms. Lots and lots of mushrooms.”
He drifted for a while, Dolly’s head a comfortable weight on his thigh, and Levi’s sultry voice in the background. His mind couldn’t seem to make sense of Levi’s words, but knowing he was close was reassuring.
The next thing he knew, the doorbell was ringing. He hadn’t meant to nod off, and part of him hated to wake up. But the smell of pizza made his stomach grumble, and he remembered he hadn’t eaten since breakfast.
“You want a beer?” Levi asked as he set the pizza down on the coffee table.
“No.”
“I have Pepsi.”
“Do you have milk?”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. Why not?”
“Why not? Because it’s weird.”
“I like milk with tomato-based things,” Jaime said defensively. “Pizza. Spaghetti. Chili. You know.”
Levi shook his head, but he went in the kitchen and came back out with a beer and a glass of milk and a roll of paper towels.
Jaime’d ordered pizza before, of course. He’d asked for extra mushrooms. What he found was it didn’t matter how many times he said it, he was still lucky to get a couple per slice. But Levi apparently knew what to say because the pizza was loaded with them.
“That was the best pizza ever,” Jaime said afterward.
“I’m glad,” Levi said, smiling at him. “Now, do you want to tell me why you’re not sleeping?”
The question surprised Jaime. He closed his eyes and leaned back on the couch and thought about how to answer. He didn’t want to lie to Levi, but he was embarrassed to admit that, at the age of twenty-six, he was still afraid of the dark. Or, more accurately, afraid of the nightmares the darkness brought with it. “I have horrible dreams.”
“You want to talk about them?”
He felt his cheeks turning red. “No.”
“Okay. Have you tried taking something?”
Years ago, a therapist had given him sleeping pills, but they only made it harder to wake from the dreams. It was better to go without. “I hate that shit,” he said.
Levi didn’t say anything, and Jaime opened his eyes and looked over at him. Levi was fidgeting with a hole in the knee of his jeans. He actually looked nervous. Jaime had never seen him look so uncomfortable before.
“Don’t take this wrong, Jaime,” Levi asked with obvious hesitation, “but maybe I could spend the night? Maybe you’d feel better having someone else in the house. I bet you have a spare bedroom, right?”
He did, although there wasn’t a bed in it. Jaime had it set up as an office. But he knew in his heart it wouldn’t matter. The thought of going back to his house and his own bed made his gut heavy with dread, and the thought of having Levi across the hall did little to alleviate it.
Levi was still watching him, and Jaime shook his head. “I don’t think it would help.”
“What would?”
“I don’t know.”
“There must be something.”
“There’s not,” Jaime said, but even as he spoke, he knew it was a lie. There
was
something. He wanted to stay at Levi’s. He wanted to climb into Levi’s big, soft bed, bury himself down in Levi’s sweet scent, and lose himself forever. But it seemed like a ridiculous thing to ask. He leaned his head back again and closed his eyes. “You can’t help me.”
“Jaime?”
Jaime didn’t lift his head, but he cracked his eyes open and turned toward Levi. Levi waited until he was watching and then slowly,
slowly
he reached across the couch. Jaime found he didn’t even have the strength to object when Levi touched him. It wasn’t much. Only his fingers on the back of Jaime’s hand.
“You need to sleep, Jaime,” Levi said softly. “Tell me what I need to do.”
This was his chance—it was now or never. He took a deep breath and asked, “Can I stay with you?”
For some reason, he expected Levi to balk or maybe even to laugh, but he didn’t. He smiled with obvious relief. “Of course you can.”
“And Dolly?”
Now, Levi did laugh. “Dolly can stay, too.”
“I’ll sleep on the couch—” It wasn’t what he wanted, but he had to say it.
Levi shook his head. “No, you won’t.”
The tightness in his chest eased. The relief of knowing he’d be able to get a decent night’s sleep was overwhelming. Levi’s fingers were still on the back of his hand, and Jaime turned his hand over. He saw Levi’s surprise and his hesitation, but then Levi’s palm met his. Jaime gripped Levi’s hand tight and didn’t bother to fight the tears that filled his eyes. “Thank you.”
All Levi said was, “You’re welcome.”