Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (14 page)

Jaime woke to cursing and the sound of drawers slamming shut. That meant Levi was home, which meant it was time for Jaime to get up so Levi could have his bed. Otherwise, he’d sleep on the couch, and Jaime hated to make him do that.

Another drawer slammed, and Jaime opened his eyes. Levi was standing in front of his dresser wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips. He was digging in a drawer for something. He’d obviously showered, which was a bit unusual— usually sleeping was his first priority after his shift at the bar.

Jaime checked his watch and was surprised to see it wasn’t even five o’clock yet. “You’re home early,” he said.
Levi froze, but didn’t turn around. “I know.”
“You can have the bed,” Jaime said. “I’m getting up.”
“Don’t bother,” Levi said, sounding annoyed. “I’m going surfing.”
“In the dark?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t you want to sleep first?”
“Obviously not,” Levi said.
Jaime sat up on the edge of the bed and rubbed his hands through his hair, trying to wake up. Dolly wiggled against his side, sniffing at his ear and wagging her tail. Levi was still digging through drawers.
“Are you looking for your swim trunks?”
Levi froze again, but didn’t answer.
“They’re on the floor under the chair.”
Levi turned without looking at him and crossed over to the chair. He picked up his trunks and, keeping his back to Jaime, dropped his towel to put them on. Jaime started to turn away, but then stopped. There were scratches across one side of Levi’s ass. It took Jaime a second to figure out what they were, but then he felt himself blush. He was glad Levi had his back to him and couldn’t see it.
“Looks like you had a good time last night,” he said.
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Levi snapped.
Jaime was surprised by the anger he heard in Levi’s voice, but he said, “I mean whoever you were with left a mark.”
“So what?”
“So, nothing. I was just—”
“You got a problem with it, Jaime?”
“No, I…” Jaime stumbled. He had no idea what was going on. He obviously wasn’t awake enough for this conversation quite yet. “Is something wrong?”
Levi turned on him, and Jaime was taken aback by the fury he saw in Levi’s eyes. “No, Jaime, nothing’s wrong. I fucked some guy’s face so hard he left handprints on my ass. Is that okay with you?”
Jaime felt his cheeks turning bright red. His heart started to race. He hated Levi to be mad at him. “No. I mean, of course! Yes. I mean—”
“I still have sex, Jaime! All right? I still fuck other guys every chance I get. I know you think maybe I don’t, but I do. And it’s none of your goddamn business anyway, is it?”
“I never said it was—”
“You want to tell me how I’m not supposed to or how it’s a sin?”
“No, Levi. I only meant—”
“I have a life, too, you know! And when I have a chance to get laid, I take it. That’s how I am, Jaime. That’s how I’ve always been, and you don’t get to say anything about it.”
Jaime felt like he’d been slapped. Or punched in the gut. He was trying to keep up, trying to figure out what Levi was saying, trying to figure what he’d done to make Levi so mad. Of course Levi still had sex. Jaime had never thought otherwise. What he couldn’t figure out was why Levi was suddenly yelling at him about it.
Levi was still glaring at him, waiting for an answer. Jaime didn’t have one, but it was clear he’d worn out his welcome here at Levi’s house.
In Levi’s bed.
That was when he realized what was going on. How could he have been such a fool?
“Shit, Levi, I’m sorry,” he said, getting up. His clothes were folded and stacked on the floor by the side of the bed. He picked up his pants and started putting them on. His face was burning, and he couldn’t even look at Levi. “I guess I thought you were only with guys at the club. I didn’t realize…”
He buttoned his pants, and picked up his shirt. “Well, I mean, I guess it was stupid of me to think you didn’t ever bring any guys home, and I should’ve realized. I didn’t mean to cramp your style or anything. I really didn’t mean…”
He knew he was babbling like an idiot, stuttering over words. He was so embarrassed to have not realized Levi might want to bring somebody back to his apartment. Back to his bed. And here Jaime was, sleeping in that bed and not even making it worth Levi’s time. His reading glasses were on the bedside table. He picked them up and put them in his shirt pocket. He pulled his shoes on, then picked up his keys and found the one to Levi’s apartment. He started to take it off the ring.
“Jaime, wait,” Levi said. He didn’t sound angry any more. He sounded beaten.
Jaime was still too embarrassed to face him, though. He didn’t want to guilt Levi into taking it back.
“It’s okay, Levi. I mean, I should’ve realized, right?” He put the key down on the bedside table and made himself look at Levi.
Levi looked completely deflated. All the anger that had been directed at Jaime only moments before was gone, and Jaime was relieved. It meant he was right. Levi had wanted to bring somebody home, and couldn’t because of Jaime. And he had snapped, understandably. After all, how long could a grown man expect to share his bed with somebody like Jaime? Levi had obviously expected him to fight back, but how could he? Levi was right. The fact that Levi didn’t seem to be mad anymore meant Jaime’s apology had worked. It meant everything would be okay between them again. Yes, he’d have to learn to sleep at home in his own bed again. But for crying out loud, he was twenty-six years old. It was about time he did that anyway, right? Levi had already done more than he ever expected.
“Thank you for letting me stay so long. I really appreciate it.”
“Jaime—”
“It’s okay, Levi. Really. I’ll see you for your appointment tomorrow, okay?”
He turned to Dolly and patted his leg, and she followed obediently behind him, out of the bedroom, down the hall, and out the door.

Jaime hoped things wouldn’t be awkward between them the next day at Levi’s appointment, but he could tell as soon as he let Levi in his door his hope had been in vain. Levi was red-cheeked with embarrassment and could barely meet his eyes.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to be sorry. I’m the one who should apologize for taking advantage of your hospitality.”
“You don’t understand—”
“I
do,
Levi,” he said, making himself smile. “It’s
okay.
”
Levi slumped a bit, whether in defeat or in relief Jaime didn’t know.
“I’ll go out while you get undressed.” That made him think of watching Levi, and of the marks that would most certainly still be visible on his ass cheek, and he felt his face turning red. He hated the way he blushed so easily, especially in front of Levi. “Let’s start face up today.”
When he came back, Levi wouldn’t look at him. He kept his gaze on the ceiling, and Jaime sighed. He had no idea how to make things right. He only knew how to do one thing. Luckily for him, that was the thing Levi was there for.
He put his hands under Levi’s neck and pushed his fingers up into Levi’s sub occipitals. “Start with three deep breaths.”
“Jaime, I can’t. Can I talk to you? Please?”
“You don’t owe me anything, Levi. You certainly don’t owe me an explanation or an apology.” If anything, Jaime thought Levi had been incredibly patient with him, putting up with his childish terrors. “Just relax. Let your head hang heavy.” He pushed on Levi’s neck, kneading with his fingers until he felt Levi relax a bit. “Good. Now take three deep breaths.”
Levi obeyed, and Jaime started to work, massaging his sternocleidomastoids and his scalenes. Levi was rarely so tense, and Jaime spent a long time on his neck, wanting to feel the muscles give way beneath his hands. He knew it was time to move on to Levi’s arms, but something told him Levi needed this more. He started to rub Levi’s scalp, working his fingers through Levi’s dark hair, then rubbing his temples. He slid his fingers down Levi’s sideburns to rub his jaw. He could tell Levi’s teeth were clenched.
“Relax, Levi,” he said quietly. “Quit fighting me.”
Levi closed his eyes, sighing in frustration. “I can’t.” He put one hand up and gripped the fingers of Jaime’s left hand. Jaime instinctively tried to pull away, but Levi held him until he stilled. Levi opened his eyes again and looked up at him. “Jaime, please, I need you to understand—”
“I
do,
” Jaime assured him. “I’m not mad at you. I don’t blame you at all.” His free hand stroked Levi’s cheek. He looked down into Levi’s troubled eyes. He wanted to soothe him. He wanted to take away all of his doubts. Without quite knowing he’d decided to do it, he leaned forward. He put his lips on Levi’s forehead. He felt Levi’s grip on his fingers tighten as he kissed him, first in the center of his forehead, then one eyebrow, then the other. He heard Levi’s breath catch. Part of him wanted to go on kissing Levi forever—his eyes and his cheeks and maybe even his gorgeous full lips. But he stopped. He looked down into Levi’s hazel eyes, and said, “You’re the best friend I have in the world. I don’t want that to change.”
Levi sighed and let go of his hand. Jaime finished his massage. But Levi never did relax.

Levi barely made it through his massage without crying. It was a horrible feeling. He’d seen Jaime cry and he hadn’t thought any less of him for it. But for himself? He didn’t cry. Certainly not in front of other men.

He couldn’t stop thinking about Jaime’s gentle touch on his cheeks and how it had felt when Jaime kissed him. His heart had hammered in his chest, and he’d had to fight to keep from reaching for him. He’d wanted to beg him for more. And then Jaime had said those words: “I don’t want that to change.” Levi knew Jaime wasn’t ready for whatever it was Levi longed for. And although Jaime nagged him through the entire massage about how tense he was and how he needed to relax, Levi couldn’t let go for fear he’d lose himself completely. He’d either burst into tears or he’d open his heart up to Jaime and never get it back. Or both. So instead, he fought and he had managed to hold on until he made it home.

He knew he had been a fool on Saturday night. He’d been given a chance with Jaime to do something right and good, and he had fucked it up. The worst part was, he didn’t even know why.

It wasn’t about sex. He hadn’t gone back to the storage room because he was horny or because he really wanted to get laid. Those things had been part of it, but they weren’t the parts that led to the blackness. He had gone with Jory because he felt he had something to prove. The question was, to whom? To Max or to his parents? To himself? Or was it to God?

They all had expectations. Max had said, “It’s who you are,” and for some reason, Levi had believed him. After all, wasn’t that what he’d been trying to prove to his family all these years—that even God could not take away what he was? So he’d gone in the back room and fucked Jory hard, putting all his frustration, his anger and his rage into it. He let the blackness rule him, and when he was done, he hadn’t felt better. He hadn’t felt vindicated. He’d only felt angry and ashamed.

He’d wanted to prove something to the family who had hurt him—the family whose expectations he could never meet—but what about his own expectations? Jaime needed him, and Levi had sworn to himself, if not to anybody else, that he would take care of him. And he had failed. Why? Because it was who he was. He hated who he had let himself become.

Of course, what had happened with Jory wasn’t the worst part. The worst part had come later. He’d gone home full of shame, anger and pain, and he’d taken it all out on the one person who had never asked him for anything. Everybody else had expectations he hated, but Jaime had only one—that Levi be his friend. And Levi had failed at that, too.

He opened his cell phone. He scrolled through the names with no idea of who he was going to call. He hit the call button without even realizing he was going to do it.

He was so surprised when he heard her voice he almost hung up the phone. It took a second to make himself say, “It’s me.”
“Hey, Leviticus.” And despite their unfriendly conversation less than forty-eight hours before, her voice was warm. “What’s up? You’re not in jail or anything are you?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“Because you’ve never called me before. I figure it must be an emergency.”
Was she right? He’d never called his own sister? Out of his entire family, she was the one who made a little bit of an effort for him, and this was how he repaid her? “I wouldn’t quite call it an emergency, but I do need your help.”
“What’s going on?” she asked, suddenly serious.
He couldn’t believe, now that he was on the phone with her, how hard it was to keep himself together. However, unlike with Jaime, he didn’t have to fight it. It wasn’t as if Ruth had never seen her little brother cry before. He put his head down in his hands and he let the tears come. “Ruth, if God tests you and you fail, do you think you can get second chance?”
“I suppose it depends on the test and the reason you failed. What’s this about, Levi?”
“I had a chance to do something right. And I screwed it up. Part of me wants to make it right, but it might be too late. And I’m not sure if trying to fix things now, after I’ve already done it wrong…I don’t know if that’s good. Or if it’s cheating. Like I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t know if changing my life now will make a difference. And if I do change things, how do I know that’s right if I still failed to begin with?”
He had to stop and wipe and eyes, and he knew he wasn’t making any sense at all. “I don’t know what to do, Ruth. I don’t know what he wants me to do. And if it’s what you all think, then I don’t want to do it anyway. But if it’s what I think, then… Well then, I think maybe I do. But is it wrong for me to want to place conditions on it? What if it is what you all think, and doing what I think only make things worse? What if—”
“Levi, stop,” she said with a gentleness that reminded him of his childhood and of a ten-year-old Ruth putting a Band-Aid on his skinned knee. “Listen. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I don’t need to know. You obviously have a question for God. You feel like he’s put you at a crossroads, and you don’t know which way to go. You have us telling you to go one way, and you’ve always insisted on going the other. But now it sounds like there’s a third path before you, and you don’t know if he wants you to take it or not. Is that it?”
“Yes,” he said, feeling relieved she understood. “Tell me what to do.”
“Let me ask you this, Levi: if you need to know what God wants you to do, why on Earth are you wasting your time talking to me?”
“Because…”
Because God won’t listen to me. Because I’m a sinner. Because I’m an abomination. Because I’ve done everything I can to turn my back on him.
“All I can tell you is, if you talk to him, he
will
listen. I can’t say he’ll answer you instantly, but he’ll hear. And if you have repentance in your heart Levi, he’ll know. And you have nothing to lose by trying.”
Levi hung up the phone with a heavy heart. He had wanted Ruth to give him an answer, but he wasn’t sure he liked the one he’d received. Yet, what she’d said at the end was true—he had nothing to lose by trying. So Levi did what he hadn’t done in nearly ten years: he prayed.
It wasn’t a good prayer. Not in the way he’d been taught. Certainly his parents wouldn’t have approved. But his church taught that it was okay to talk to God any time. He only needed to open his heart. So that’s what Levi did.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I know you may not approve of me or of the way I’ve lived these past several years. And I’m not asking you to forgive me for that because I’m not sure I’m sorry. But I
am
sorry for what happened on Saturday. I think you led me to Jaime for a reason, and I’ve screwed it up. I don’t like what I’ve let myself become. I don’t mean being gay, and if that’s something you don’t like, I can’t change it. But there are other things I can change. And I think maybe I should. So I’m going to do what I can, and if you really did send me to Jaime for a reason, then I’m asking you please to let me try it again. Because I know I’ve failed at a lot of things, but I don’t want to fail with him. Amen.”
He climbed into bed and fell asleep. When he woke in the morning, he had a plan. He couldn’t have said if it was God answering his prayer, or if it was only a matter of having finally admitted what he knew was right. But he knew what he needed to do.