Me & My Boyfriend (13 page)

By morning, Meesa's face had cleared up.
Half of the night, she sat up and looked at his handprint. His huge handprint covered her entire right cheek. Looking back at her in the mirror was someone she didn't even recognize anymore. Meesa had officially lost herself. The last past year of her life, she had tried to hold onto something that never really was hers.

Yes, Black did love her, but in some strange odd way, there was always something missing. Maybe what we had been was all there was. Maybe I was wrong, maybe Black isn't the one. But this all has to mean something. I have to take something from this thing we shared. Maybe the lesson is: What looks good to you ain't always good for you!! Miss Anne always said that to her. She had wanted him so bad that she put aside common sense for what was supposed to be love. Meesa thought she would be the one to change Black. So many females wanted him, and by luck, she was the one to get him. She had gotten what she wanted, but at what price?

Throughout their relationship, Meesa put aside her goals and dreams. She couldn't blame Black as he never asked her to. She did what most females do throughout their lives, PUT A MAN FIRST!!! Staring back at her was a weary young woman. This woman was searching for answers. Answers she could only give. Getting back to the core of who she was would be hard, but it was something she was determined to do. There would be no more thinking about Black twenty-four hours a day. No more going back and trying again. No more wishing him to be there. Meesa had to please one person and one person only, herself.

Staring at the fire, Black smoked his last Black 'N Mild. Looking at the fire reminded him of his life. Stable, but yet unsteady. He had picked up the phone to call Meesa and check on her, but hung up each time. She didn't want to hear from him and he knew it.

The not seeing each other thing would not work for him. Black had to be around Meesa, she kept him sane. Without her, he would most definitely go crazy. And this dude being in her life drove him out of his mind. Black knew he had to get shit back on track.

Making a list of things to do, he jotted down his priorities. Number one: Get Meesa back.

Number two: Kill Mike.

Number three: Get out of the game.

Number two wasn't really a priority, but if Mike pushed him, it would be.

Blowing the smoke through his nose, Black replayed the sight of seeing Meesa with Mike. Black hadn't been that heated since last seeing his father. Meesa knew how to push him. She knew him seeing her with another man would kill him. Yes, they were broken up, but to him Meesa would always be his. He had never even imagined the fact that Meesa would move on. To him, Meesa would always be there waiting.

Black eventually would settle down and commit to Meesa and he really expected her to be there when he was ready. Getting with Meesa was the best thing he had done in life, and in all reality, Black knew he treated Meesa bad. He never meant to, but circumstances led him down the wrong path in his mind. He never wanted to be the man he was, but somehow, he had become his father. Hitting Meesa broke him down mentally. It was like an out of body experience. Black saw himself raising his hand, but couldn't stop himself in time. All he wanted was for Meesa to listen to him. But somehow he couldn't control her. She was out of his reach. At that moment, he felt like he was losing
her for good. Black's whole mental state was fucked up. Since being with Meesa, he had silently became a mirror image of his father. He knew she was the best woman he would ever find. Black wanted Meesa but also wanted the life. He couldn't have both. So he lavished Meesa with gifts to cover up the guilt he felt. Wanting to keep Meesa and his lifestyle had become too much to handle. Like his father, he broke Meesa down. But, in Black's case, not intentionally. He never even realized what he was doing.

Was abuse a family trait? Or was it something he got on his own? Black wondered. He didn't want to be that man he was anymore. He wanted to change. Hell, he had to if he wanted Meesa back. She was stronger than he thought. Hearing Kyan crying, Black parted ways with the Black 'N Mild. Holding his son, he promised that his family would eventually reunite. Black didn't want Kyan to grow up in a broken home like he did.

Not wanting Kyan to hate him like he hated his father, he vowed to change.

Her friends and Mike had called and called, but Meesa stayed cooped up in the house.
She didn't want anyone to know that Black had hit her. By the second day, Destiny had had enough. She thought maybe Meesa had been hurt, so she dropped by without calling.

“Who is it?”

“It's me Meesa, open up!” Destiny yelled through the door.

“Damn.” Meesa spoke to herself.

“Meesa, I know that something is wrong. Come on open up.” Not having any other choice but to, she did.

“Meesa, what the hell happened to your face?”

“Nothing.” Was all she could say.

“What you mean nothing? Who hit you? Did Mike do this?

“No.” She said, while waving her off.

“Well, who did this? (Silence)

“Oh my God no, Black didn't do this did he? Please tell me he didn't Meesa?” (More Silence)

Gasping, Destiny hugged her so tight.

“I can't breathe Dee.”

“Oh I'm sorry, did I hurt you?”

“No, I'm alright. You want something to drink?” Meesa asked.

“Don't even try it Meesa. We are going to talk about this. Where is Kyan?”

“He's not here.”

“Whether you want to or not Meesa, we're going to talk about this.”

“Look, I'm getting ready to go upstairs.”

“Okay, we'll talk up there.”

Meesa did not want to hear no shit that she already knew. How, if he hit you once he'll do it again, and you can do badly all by yourself. She knew this and it was already driving her crazy. Flipping through the channels on her flat screen TV, Meesa avoided Destiny's eyes.

“You can ignore me all you want, but I'm going to talk anyway.”

“Go ahead and talk Destiny.” Meesa said aggravated.

Turning off the TV and throwing the remote down, she gave Destiny a now what look.

“Meesa honey, I know how you're feeling right now. When I was with Daryl, he used to treat me like shit, and I stayed because I thought hell, look how he spoiling me. Yeah, he was fucking other females. But I was in a state like he ain't throwing money at these other bitches like he doing me, so why should I leave.”

Messa quickly cut Destiny off. “First of all, your situation and mine are totally different. Daryl was crazy. Black may be a lot of things, but crazy ain't one of them okay.”

“I understand that Mee Mee, but look, Black is hurting you far more badly than Daryl could have ever hurt me. Black is hurting you emotionally. Daryl hit me and called me out my name all the time, but you see I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with the money and the life style. What you and Black have goes way deeper. Ya'll have a baby together. That right there alone is leaving you feeling obligated to hold on. Don't get me wrong, Black loves you, and we both know that you still love him. But ya'll have issues.”

“I know Dee, and believe you me, I have tried to let go. But every time I try, I think back on how it used to be. I mean, I can't let go. Black is everything to me. Hell, I can't even grasp how much him being in my life means to me. I guess, maybe because he's the first man to really love me. You know I sit and wonder all the time what it would have been like if I knew my dad.” Tears welled in her eyes.

“My own daddy didn't even love me Dee. Do you know how it feels to go through life wondering why? I mean, yeah my mom was great Lord bless her soul, but I always wanted to at least meet him once. Just to see how he looked.”

Crying along with her, Destiny stroked her hair.

“All this time I thought you didn't even trip off him anymore. I mean you never talk about it.”

“I haven't really tripped off it since I been with Black. With him, I finally had the love I've been looking for my whole life. Black has taken care of me and loved me all the way through. Dee, when I opened my heart up to love him I gave my all. If we are really through, I can't love anybody else, because I have none left to give. But I have come to realize that I do need to work on myself. Before I even attempt to get into another relationship, I'm going to have my shit straight. I know that I can't count on nobody else's love but my own. I'm sitting here wanting Black to love me, when really I don't even love myself, so I'm going to get myself straight. But I honestly can say that after I do, I still don't think I'll love anybody else again.” Through the tears, Meesa fought to clarify her whole being.

“Meesa girl, it may take some time, but you will be able to love again.” Destiny reassuringly replied.

“Dee, you don't get it, I don't want to be with anybody else.” Now standing she continued.

“He hit me yeah, but I know in my heart why it happened. He did it because he was hurt. He saw me and Mike together Dee, and I rubbed it in his face.”

“Which you should have Meesa. That nigga has cheated on you I don't know how many times. So, damn right, you should have rubbed that shit all in his face.” Destiny retorted back.

“Dee, you don't understand, I knew the shit would push him over the edge, and I did it anyway.”

Destiny was still sitting with a ‘so what’ look, so Meesa explained further.

“Look Dee, I never told you this, but Black's daddy killed his mother.”

Destiny gasped.

“His father used to beat his mom's all the time, and Black used to witness the shit. It has fucked him up in the head severely. He has been afraid since day one that he'll end up being like his dad. That's why Black does the shit he does. He opens himself up and then shuts down again, and when he hit me, he let himself down. Black is just as afraid of losing me as I am him, and with all the stuff that's been going on between us, I guess it just built up.”

“That still doesn't give him the right to hit you though Mee Mee. You shouldn't have to rationalize why it happen.”

“I know that Dee, but I also understand why it happened. We are all we got. We are each other's family, and if we lose each other, we ain't got nothing.”

Black hadn't hit the streets in days. Everybody was wondering what was up. Black knew he had to get his shit together before he killed somebody.

Everything he cherished in life was being torn apart. But today he sat in a chair waiting. He had not seen his father since the day before he killed his mother.

Too much had taken place now. He knew only one person could give him answers.

Black had tried to block this part of his life out, but it always seemed to call him. Despite the odds, he had made it. It may have been by illegal means, but he still had accomplished things his father never did. Black was nervous though. He had intentionally avoided any contact with his father. Black hated his father for what he did to his mother, but right now he needed his father more than ever. Black fidgeted with nervous anticipation. It had been twenty years since they had laid eyes on one another. Black had wondered what he looked like now. Growing up, people always said he looked just like his dad. Now he would get to see if this still rang true.

In came a man with shackles around his hands and feet. His dark skin now a little wrinkled, but he still had a pretty decent build for a man in his fifty's. Ron Patterson had a head full of gray hair. His eyes weren't clear anymore like in his youth. Now, they were filled with sorrow and regret. But Black still saw himself in his father. Black picked up the phone, Ron did too. He couldn't believe his ears when the guards told him his son was here to see him. He thought Black would never step through the prison doors unless he was being brought in himself. They sat for a second and observed one another. His son looked good. Ron could tell he was making money. Black finally decided to speak.

“So, how you been?”

“I've been hanging in there man. How are you?”

“I'm cool man.” (Silence)

“So how is Rose?”

“She's fine, I just bought her a new house. She's doing good.”

“So, you doing big things I see.” Ron said, while eyeing Black up and down.

“Yeah, I'm doing okay.” Black laughed.

“You got any kids?”

“Yeah, I got a little boy. He looks just like me.”

“How old is he?”

“He's only like five months.”

“Are you taking care of him?”

“Yeah man, I'm taking care of my son.” Black answered angrily.

“I'm not trying to upset you Black, I just wanted to know if you were doing right by him. Being that I wasn't there for you.” Ron said.

“I understand man.” Black responded, calming down.

“Are you with his momma?” The thought of Meesa brought sadness to his face.

“You don't even have to answer, I can tell by the look on your face. You got the same look I have when I think about your mother.” Ron spoke in a low voice. Black looked into his father's eyes as he spoke.

“You love her to death don't you?”

Black nodded yes.

“She's everything you ever wanted and you can't handle it can you?”

“Yeah man, how you know?” Sighing, Ron remembered Teresa.

“I'm not gonna sugar coat shit, a'ight Black? I wake up everyday and think of your mother. I eat, sleep, and breathe your mother. This jail shit, don't mean shit to me, because when I took your mother's life, I took mine as well. When I got with your mother, she was young and beautiful, and I knew she worshiped me. I knew that your mother would never leave me. I didn't deserve her. Your mother only wanted to make me happy, but I was still so afraid that she'd leave me. I couldn't offer her anything but me. I didn't think that was enough. I ain't have no high school education. I couldn't afford nice things to give her, but she still loved me.

I blamed all my shortcomings on her to try and ease my pain. Man, I ain't trying to get into all of this with you, because what I did is unjustified, and I can't take it back. You probably hate me, and I can't blame you if you do. But, if you're going through life hurting because of me, man don't. Black you may look like me but you aren't me. You are doing well for yourself.”

Whispering into the phone, he added, “But don't depend on the shit you doing forever.”

Black nodded in agreement.

“You don't have to turn out like me if you chose not to. If you love this woman, then love her Black. If I could go back and do things over, I would. But I can't, you can though.”

“Man, it may be too late. I have done some fucked up shit, but I love her too much to let her go.” Black answered.

“I know she's the one, but it's hard.”

“It's only hard if you make it hard Black. My time is almost up, so listen. Black, if you love her like you say you do, then step your game up. Love doesn't have to hurt. I thought that and look where it got me. Live your life and enjoy it. Stop living your life through me and live it through your eyes. We all have choices, I chose to make the wrong ones. You don't have to do the same.”

“Times up.” The prison guard said.

“It was nice seeing you Black. If you don't do anything else in life that I say, please do this.”

“A'ight man.” Black spoke sincerely.

Black didn't anticipate that hanging up would be so hard. Years behind bars had changed the once bitter man. Black didn't want to become that way. He didn't want to end up hurting Meesa or himself in the long run.

Now was the time to make a change. Black had to get his mind right, money tight, and Meesa and him back together.